Episode 232- “You Rule”- Except When it Comes to Youth Athletics

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;31;27
Unknown
Hey, it’s me Erin. Thanks for joining us on the Moor Love podcast. Do not tell Rebecca, but this podcast is about empathy. She likes people to think she’s dead inside. But the truth is, she’s a big time feeler who has truly helped me uncover that empathy is my superpower. Here she comes. Hey, bestie. Hi, love. What are you doing?
00;00;31;28 – 00;00;56;07
Unknown
Oh, just getting ready to host a podcast. A podcast about what? Our life. Our life as best friends who are more like sisters. Oh, yay, I love this, and I can’t wait to share our stories with the world. Especially the ones that involve us pushing each other right to be our most authentic selves. Oh, man. Okay.
00;00;56;10 – 00;01;14;23
Unknown
I just started the timer by myself. Yes. Damn it! Yeah. It’s okay, Scott, but I just wanted you to know that I did it because I’m a responsible adult who keeps track of her time. I start start it now after the intro. Oh, I did too. So you were going to do it like we were going over time.
00;01;14;24 – 00;01;35;27
Unknown
What’s the time you have right now? 23 seconds. 24 seconds. 17. Oh, well, we’re going to get going with here. Actually, it’s probably a good idea that I started mine in advance. Awesome. Oh. Oh, boy. Is this your favorite thing that you do during the week? Oh, 100%. Hey, know the podcast? I know the sessions. The sessions?
00;01;35;28 – 00;01;56;01
Unknown
Yes. Isn’t it? I really love it. I agree. So if we were to do this full time. Yep. What do we need our listeners to do for us? Pay for our salaries. Pay for our cost of living. If you want to hear us every day, well, you need to find my salary. I’m not positive. The world could stand us every single day.
00;01;56;03 – 00;02;24;21
Unknown
But in all reality, I think if our listeners want to help us get to where I think we all hope we are going, like the number one podcast in the world, we are. Wow. Like maybe a little ways to go there. But yes, it is good to to shoot for the stars. There. They have got to share some of their favorite clips or they have to share some of our their favorite episodes.
00;02;24;22 – 00;02;44;23
Unknown
Oh that’s right. Great idea. So they have to go to the YouTube and they have to be like, you need to watch these girls, you know, check this out, or even just send in, topics that resonate with them that you want us to, you know, debate. That’s right. That’s right. We would love your master debaters.
00;02;44;26 – 00;02;52;23
Unknown
This is the time where you hold up your little mini chapstick that looks like a master debate or master debater.
00;02;52;25 – 00;03;12;00
Unknown
I would love that. That’s another way that they could help us, right? Is they could be like, I would love to hear you guys talk about this particular topic and email us at the More Love podcast at gmail.com. They could like and subscribe on our YouTube YouTubes at the More Love podcast. They could join our subscription service.
00;03;12;01 – 00;03;30;09
Unknown
So we have two different subscription levels. One is $5 a month, one is $9 a month. But you get some pretty cool things for that. So, you know, it’s one of those things that you see going around on Facebook or other social media platforms of like, if you want to help support a small business, this is what you can do.
00;03;30;10 – 00;03;52;13
Unknown
But the reality is, that’s exactly it. You can like you can subscribe, you can share, you can tell people about it. We’re on every single podcast platform you can possibly imagine. So, anything that anyone is interested, if you like what we’re saying or what we’re doing to help support what it is that we are doing, just helps us get a little bit closer to doing this full time.
00;03;52;15 – 00;04;26;01
Unknown
And, if you can’t handle that, we understand. So we don’t have to buy any of that. So I have to tell you an empathy story that happened to me in, the Burger King Drive-Thru. So, okay, there’s a Burger King over by my house, actually, over by where I bought my my Telluride. And I like to stop there very occasionally to get a became Mocha Joe.
00;04;26;03 – 00;04;45;13
Unknown
Okay. So the first thing I do when I pull in is I noticed that they have two lanes and I have the Burger King. You mean like the McDonald’s? Yeah. Wow. I thought you had a reaction to that, too. I didn’t know that was. I mean, it’s been a very long time since I’ve been there, but the one by my house is right by the Amazon returns.
00;04;45;19 – 00;05;03;19
Unknown
So I see. Yeah, you see it all the time. Yeah, but they don’t to. But why would you have that reaction? Why would you be confused about why there’s two lanes at Burger King? Because I’ve never seen one like that. That’s it. There’s no part of you that’s like, does Burger King have enough traffic for two lanes? Cause that’s what happened to me.
00;05;03;20 – 00;05;20;00
Unknown
I mean, that’s that’s a good point. That’s what happened to me. I gave up a good a long time ago, so I don’t know. Never and never have I ever had to wait in line at a Burger King. At Burger King. So I immediately felt bad when I say felt bad. Like it. It was. It was hard. You feel bad that you judged?
00;05;20;03 – 00;05;39;10
Unknown
Well, I felt bad that I had that reaction. And that was like, there’s two lanes here at the Burger King, and we don’t need that in Burger King’s trying to be McDonald’s. And you don’t need to be McDonald’s, burger King, you can be Burger King. Well you rule. Well, that’s the second part of the story. Okay. I always know your brain so freaking out.
00;05;39;12 – 00;06;01;25
Unknown
I swear to God, it’s 8:00 in the morning. Okay, I pull up the ability to roll down my window. Good morning. Welcome to Burger King. Where you where you rule. How can I help you today? Okay, then I get very uncomfortable. That’s very. I don’t need them to tell me that I rule. I know I don’t like hearing I a rule I don’t like.
00;06;01;27 – 00;06;20;08
Unknown
Even the commercials make me feel uncomfortable. Well, mentality, I don’t I don’t, you know, I don’t I don’t want to be in control here at Burger King. You know, I want to be in control in my own life. But I don’t want to be in control. And I want to rule at Burger King. So then I’m like, okay, I’m feeling uncomfortable.
00;06;20;08 – 00;06;44;00
Unknown
And I say, good morning. May I please have a medium BK Mokotjo. And they’re not called that anymore. Oh, so he kindly says, do you mean a mocha iced coffee? And I say, yeah, yeah, that’s what I mean. He is a great. He said, anything else? And I said, nope, that’ll be it today. And he says, can I interest you in an apple pie or two cookies for a dollar?
00;06;44;02 – 00;07;07;09
Unknown
It’s 8 a.m., ma’am. I mean, sir, it is 8 a.m.. No thank you. I don’t want to a cherry pie, two cookies. So I then feel annoyed that I have to answer that question. So I here here I am, I have even cancel my order yet. And I’m having all these feelings. Having feelings about the fact that there’s two lines.
00;07;07;11 – 00;07;20;18
Unknown
I’m having feelings about the fact that he said, you rule that come up on Burger King where you rule. I feel like he’s been forced to say that. Oh, yeah, it’s gonna say that it’s a script. It’s the the two cookies and a pie is two peas in a pie is a you two. But it but it didn’t say on the script.
00;07;20;18 – 00;07;41;13
Unknown
Only asked us after 11. Right. It’s also you. Did you also get the question about the coupons? Oh. What if I had any coupons? No, I think they sell coupons. Oh, yeah. Oh, I probably would have bought them because I would have felt so bad at this point. Right? But I did not. I did not like that. So now he’s asking me if I want the cherry pie or whatever, and the cookies.
00;07;41;13 – 00;08;00;26
Unknown
And I say, no thanks. You know, I think even though inside I’m like, it’s 8 a.m., I’m not eating any fat bastard cookies in a pie with my already crazy coffee that tastes like a milkshake, right? So here’s the great. Okay, you can pull forward there. Again, I’m reminded of the two lanes and how there’s no one in either lane at this point.
00;08;00;26 – 00;08;21;29
Unknown
And again, I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve just been so backed up at Burger King. So I’m just feeling all these feels. And I pull up and he again says, you royal, welcome to Burger King, where you rule all that’ll be, you know, a $4 or whatever. So I got my hand on my card. And what does he ask me?
00;08;21;29 – 00;08;48;00
Unknown
I can’t do you. One more pie. Would you like a crown? No he doesn’t. You don’t even have a kid in the car. Better had fucking said yes. Same to me. You don’t even have a kid in the car. No. It’s you by yourself. Would you like a crown? Hell, yeah. Not the answer is no. What? I am so uncomfortable at this moment that I only if you put it on me.
00;08;48;02 – 00;09;08;25
Unknown
No, I would have said it like that. I am like, What is happening in this experience right now? I said, no thanks. I think I’ll pass on the crown. Without skipping a beat. He’s like, okay, right. Not like, yeah, I know, right. Again, that has to be part of the script 100%. They don’t even I don’t have a kid in the car.
00;09;08;25 – 00;09;34;07
Unknown
Not to me. I’m 42 years old. I’m getting a coffee. I don’t need a Burger King crown. No. Right. So he hands me back the the card. He then says it’s free fries today. Would you like some free fries? Of course. You said yesterday pretty well. Fries, I don’t care. Let’s say you em. Let’s. Hashbrowns. Yeah, I just might as well I.
00;09;34;10 – 00;09;52;23
Unknown
So I’ll be right. Sure do. Brian. I think it was. I think it was free fries. But then. But it was it like you can have the fries now. It was come back later and you can get the free fries. Just so you know, it’s it’s free fries, right. I can’t and I said thank you very much. I’m thinking I’m not going through this line twice.
00;09;52;23 – 00;10;20;12
Unknown
You have to have this experience. Right. So anyway, he gives me my coffee. And what does he say? You roll your eyes. I can’t, that’s his job to say that it’s supposed to say it’s the worst. I just have some questions about that one. Why are we doing that? Two it’s our marketing. It’s they’re. Who came up with that I know, why are we requiring people to say those kind of things to other people?
00;10;20;12 – 00;10;45;16
Unknown
For why am I so uncomfortable in this line to just get a mocha iced coffee? It’s just weird. Three times I was told that I roll, so my car is pulling away and he’s like, you’re wrong, you know? And is it because of the king? And the king rules the kingdom? Yes, yes, yes. It’s bad. Just the app and I it’s not even good marketing.
00;10;45;16 – 00;11;01;16
Unknown
It’s not even funny. I don’t like to go back to the dark lounge. Do you remember the lounge? That was the best. What was in the B.K. lounge? It was just. It was. They called Burger King. The lounge comes right out of the back lounge. Like you’re in the 70s. Like, you know what? I really like Arby’s. We got the meat.
00;11;01;18 – 00;11;26;14
Unknown
Well, have you seen that? Arby’s is really like redoing its buildings. They have a new color scheme. Oh. They’re updating. What? What’s got you sound like you just stub your toe. Oh, shit. What? What you got the meat? What’s the meat? Oh. What happened? You put he you pull her jaw, you put it like it doesn’t mean he’s like he pulled the straw.
00;11;26;15 – 00;11;53;04
Unknown
He’s thinking of the tube steak. The cheesecake tube steak. Bogey. No. So now I have to interrupt your story with another story. Oh, good. Why? Can’t wait. What’s it about? Meat sweats. That means. No, I had gotten flu. I had Bell’s palsy on the side of my face. When, Do you want me to. 2002. 2002. Oh, wow.
00;11;53;06 – 00;12;14;14
Unknown
Was a long time. We had had it for, like, almost six months. Totally like from a wireless stress. No, they. Yeah, it’s a virus that attacks the, the nerves in your in your face or whatever. And I don’t know what happened, but, this is what happened. They couldn’t figure it out. But anyway. So yeah. So this side of my face didn’t work.
00;12;14;17 – 00;12;42;15
Unknown
So when I was doing voiceovers and stuff, I had to actually, like, lift this part of my life up to stop it. Yeah, I know he’s got tons going to have him talking. Yeah. Foreign. I know, I just I just knew that this was a mistake talking about this, but it’s anyway been there. When we’re back, let’s talk about the meat sweats the two of snow when she said this, when she said Arby’s and certain certain it read your Bell’s palsy.
00;12;42;17 – 00;13;12;19
Unknown
No, no, let me talk. Sorry. Because of my Bell’s palsy, I have like this this TMJ problem where certain night. I’m done. Goodbye is said two stick this sad dancing. That’s I got the palsy. Stop it. Do you realize this is the last time right now myself honorable speaking. We are very into what you’re tired, Mo right now.
00;13;12;19 – 00;13;32;19
Unknown
And I’m gonna put together. Rebecca’s fine. You’re worse than my friends in third grade. She’s the one doing it. I’m not gonna look at her, Scott. And present with you right now. Can you tell me about your BP? I’ve moved on. No. We’re not. No, not. BP is cam. Jay Bell’s palsy. No, I know, but doesn’t listen. I’m not looking at Rebecca’s so that we can hear.
00;13;32;21 – 00;13;52;14
Unknown
But you had to say it reignited your TMJ. What did the meats know? What do you with the. Oh, yeah. So you said that, and then what happened? It hit your TMJ. Yeah, it made my my jaw freeze up. What’s it feel like? Like like a pulled like like a plug muscle type of them. No. That was that.
00;13;52;14 – 00;14;16;24
Unknown
It. Yeah. It’s that was the whole story. It’s the whole story. I’m sorry that happened to you, Scott. Sure. And I hope that your jaw feels better. Do you want to know what I do intentionally? No. Specifically at Starbucks. What? I refuse to use their lingo. It’s a small, medium or large. You won’t say venti? I don’t even know what that is.
00;14;16;26 – 00;14;34;16
Unknown
I like that, I like that, yeah. What is that from? This is 40 or. It’s one of those clips. It’s it’s a Paul Rudd clip. Can I take your order? I can have a tall chai and a large black coffee. What large black coffee do you mean event? No, I mean a large. He means event. Yeah. The biggest one you got, venti is large.
00;14;34;19 – 00;14;55;20
Unknown
No, venti is 28. Yeah, large is large. In fact, tall is large. And grande is Spanish for large. And he’s the only one. That doesn’t mean large. It’s also the only one that’s Italian. Congratulations. You’re stupid in three languages. But venti is a large coffee. Really? Says who? Fellini. How much is that? Here’s a ten. Do I accept lira or is it?
00;14;55;20 – 00;15;31;11
Unknown
Okay? So anyway, that’s an example of when, highly sensitive person goes to Burger King and can’t just enjoy the experience of getting a coffee. And has it kept me from going to Burger King again? Yeah, it has, because it’s uncomfortable and weird. I feel badly and uncomfortable. I don’t want someone to have to say those things to me and I wonder if anyone has checked in with Burger King about their marketing and what they’re doing, and what maybe they should be doing differently.
00;15;31;12 – 00;15;52;27
Unknown
That’s pretty bad. It’s pretty bad. It’s time for reevaluate. It’s time for a Swot analysis. Yeah, right. And you know what. You want them now a Swot analysis. Use your most highly empathic people to determine if it’s okay. Yeah. Because they will let you know how they feel about the experience. Really bad. You got a hippie view for us tonight.
00;15;52;27 – 00;16;15;00
Unknown
Yeah. I don’t think we’ve had this one before. This is the High Priestess. Then I’ll go. It’s pretty. She cute, right? Yeah. All right. If you’ve ever wondered what sort of wisdom dwells in your subconscious, sign up for the High Priestess is all access to her. She has the power to connect you to the powerful intuition you’ve always known was there, but haven’t always trusted.
00;16;15;02 – 00;16;44;10
Unknown
Follow her into the depths of your being. Pay attention to your dreams, listen to your hunches, and maybe drop a few breadcrumbs so you can find your way back. I listen to my gut and honor its messages, except the ones that say I should eat another pizza. So did you know that when I was in my undergrad, I did my honors thesis on why people believe what they believe when it comes to pseudoscientific phenomenon?
00;16;44;10 – 00;17;04;21
Unknown
Yes, I did know that because we’ve talked about that a lot. Did we talk about it on the show? I don’t know about on the show, but you and I’ve talked about it a lot. And did we talk about on the show how as one of my research gathering mechanisms, I put my mom’s wedding ring on my left hand and went to a psychic fair in Syracuse, New York.
00;17;04;22 – 00;17;28;29
Unknown
Okay, so I must have been 21 years old, 22 years old. And, they had tarot readings. They had psychic readers, you know, it was like, like a whole kit and caboodle. Okay. And I put my mom’s wedding ring on because I was curious if that was going to adjust any of the readings that I received. And it absolutely did.
00;17;28;29 – 00;18;05;20
Unknown
Sure. So what we’re talking about my, you know, white picket fence, I see this in your future in that near future. Right? And one of the things that came about in my research was the role of confirmation bias when it comes to tarot cards or when it comes to, horoscopes. And how many people are drawn to horoscopes and to tarot readings because they are most often written in a positive confirming light.
00;18;06;07 – 00;18;39;11
Unknown
So if 80% of what is provided is positive or gives you a good feel good sense, you’re willing to entertain the 20%. That might be like a hey, watch out for this. Or hey, you know, know that this might be happening. Because 80% of it was positive. And in these other research studies, if they gave the same, reading but separate to people where 80% was negative and 20% was positive, people had a tendency to be like, nope, that’s not true for me.
00;18;39;11 – 00;19;06;19
Unknown
Nope, that’s the wrong card. Nope, that’s not my right. So, that was a huge part of my journey through college. Was this like, what do you call it? Skeptic skepticism, you know, that kind of stuff. And, it’s been interesting as we’ve gone through and read those cards, how I still feel very pulled in these two directions.
00;19;06;19 – 00;19;23;21
Unknown
One is like, oh my God, I really love to use that as a tool to better understand, you know, or the intuition and the leading of the breadcrumbs and the trusting myself, because so much of that is true to who I am. Right? And then immediately feel this pull on the left hand side of will you read the research on that?
00;19;23;21 – 00;19;46;21
Unknown
And of course, that’s what that says. And of course that’s what. Right. How do you think people reconcile that like because there’s some people that are just so devout in their in their spiritual beliefs that they’re like, I don’t care what you read in, in your scientific research, but there’s also so many people that are so devout in their scientific research that they won’t even entertain in the hippie evo.
00;19;48;00 – 00;20;06;21
Unknown
I mean, I think that’s a great question. I don’t know, I don’t know if it’s the way you were brought up, the way you were taught to critical think, or if you’re the type of person that’s like a Pollyanna and you just want to feel good and so you’re gravitate towards things that make you feel good and exciting.
00;20;06;21 – 00;20;33;03
Unknown
I don’t I don’t know, like your tolerance level of how much you will tolerate when it comes to, belief or futuristic, you know, identification or future planning. Like I was told by a psychic once I was going to marry someone with the name of C. First name starts with a c. And I remember the only person I knew at that time was Courtney Graham, from my high school.
00;20;33;23 – 00;20;50;24
Unknown
And he was in a, he was in a posse, and and I thought that that probably wasn’t going to be my best choice, but he was very nice and sat next to me in math, and he was smart home. But I remember our limited, our limited pool of high school. That’s all I knew was he was the only person I know with the level C, right.
00;20;50;24 – 00;21;21;23
Unknown
But that I bought into that and I had been like, all right, I think I finally well, it’s really nice to meet you, Mark. Right. M doesn’t seem to resonate. Right. I think it also depends on your belief system. Like I very much believe that trajectories and things can change in an instant. I don’t do I believe that there is a potential path or like a, your life is outlined for you type of thing.
00;21;21;23 – 00;21;52;01
Unknown
I think that there’s a. Maybe a potential roadmap or a guide, but I do think based on decisions or things that happen, things can things can change. And a new roadmap can be laid out. So you believe that there is a certain identified path, but that that path doesn’t need to remain what it was going to be like.
00;21;52;01 – 00;22;09;26
Unknown
It will not like the universe will not always draw you back to that path, whether you want to be there or not. No, I think I think the universe does. I think that it’s it just depends on how you get there. But I also don’t take it literally. I don’t think it’s going to be you will be the president of the United States, like I don’t I don’t think it’s that definitive.
00;22;09;26 – 00;22;45;16
Unknown
I think it’s maybe characteristics. Or your personality, things like that. I don’t necessarily think it’s, you will have two children. I don’t know, I don’t think it’s that specific. That’s the word I don’t, I don’t I don’t think it’s that specific. I’d be curious to hear what our listeners had to say about that. Because I know in my conversations I’ve had with Rene, she and her partner are very much of the mindset of it is written, right.
00;22;45;18 – 00;23;21;04
Unknown
It is written, it is written, it is written. And so there’s a saying like a saying for that within their religion that is very much like it doesn’t really matter what the details are, because what is written is written. And I actually have found comfort in that. As someone who might be over a lot of different choices that are made or think that there’s a right or a wrong way to go, I’ve actually found comfort in the fact that, well, if it is written, then I’m just going to make the decisions I was going to make that are, you know, in keeping with myself and my integrity anyway.
00;23;21;04 – 00;23;43;07
Unknown
But I don’t have to worry about the big plan so much because it’s going to happen the way it was going to happen. And so that part for me is interesting because to my question about, you know, how do we decide what our tolerance level is? Is it just what you need? Right. Do I need that? It is written script in the back of my mind because that’s what makes me feel comfortable in the moment.
00;23;43;09 – 00;24;08;27
Unknown
Does someone else need something different? But then you look at tragedies and you look at things and it’s like, well, why was that person’s destiny to have a child die? Or why was their destiny to get a terrible disease, an incurable disease? Like, why? So what’s that saying that people say God only gave you what you can handle?
00;24;08;27 – 00;24;27;22
Unknown
That’s like the worst thing to say, in my opinion. That’s the worst thing to say to someone because it’s like, oh wow, you’re strong enough to handle, having a child that dies. What? Yeah. All right. No. No one is strong enough to figure out, oh, you have to, right? By God. Or, you know, God cannot. Oh, God only puts on your plate which you can handle.
00;24;28;06 – 00;24;49;06
Unknown
Okay. So therefore, you know I have to lose my job, I have to go through bankruptcy like all these things that that’s part of the plan. I don’t, I don’t know if I buy that right. What that a part of it too. Right. Is it, is it that the truth is the reality is regardless, we just all try and make our own renditions of that based on what makes sense for our own life environment?
00;24;49;07 – 00;25;11;06
Unknown
Maybe. Right. And there’s privilege wrapped up in that. There’s, you know, lack or certain experiences that are wrapped up in that. Right. I’m curious about that because when you when you read those or when I read the affirmation card, I notice myself have like, oh, that’s kind of cool, you know? But that’s really as far as it gets for me.
00;25;11;06 – 00;25;36;00
Unknown
But I know that that’s not the case for a lot of people who are very into spirituality or tarot or or the opposite, they’re they’re absolutely deathly afraid to even entertain the word because it is considered a tool or an object that is used by people with not good intentions or whatever it may be, you know? Right.
00;25;36;02 – 00;25;57;16
Unknown
So. Right. That’s a good point too. Interesting. Just something I thought about when you were reading that. Yeah. All right. We’ve talked about Burger King, we’ve talked about spirituality. I think the only thing left for us to talk about today is kids sports. Oh yeah I do and I guess we got a lot of hoops and a lot of traction on that, which, yes, I wasn’t surprised about because it’s so alive and well.
00;25;57;19 – 00;26;20;12
Unknown
Yeah, really I was surprised. So yeah, well, a lot of the people that listen to our podcast have children in our same age demographic as by themselves or. Yeah, they, they themselves have experienced, some sort of maybe it’s not even sports, just kids activities like it could be Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, it could be for each. It could be art, whatever, whatever it is a band.
00;26;20;29 – 00;26;54;08
Unknown
You know, I think there’s a lot of emotion tied into that. Specifically when maybe you’re even even great at school. Right? Like when your kid isn’t the top at the top or when your kid may not be as good or it’s socially awkward or whatever. There’s a lot of high emotions attached to that because you want to fix it or you want to put them in any, experience where they are thriving and feel good about themselves because that’s that’s natural, man.
00;26;54;08 – 00;27;16;29
Unknown
Not for me. I’m going to put you in a situation where you’re going to get better, and I, you know, if you can hang right when you when you’re at the top of the top, it’s time to go right. It’s time to go. That’s right, that’s right. I was I was surprised, but also like pleasantly surprised because gosh, we get so much cool interaction and synergy when people are like, wow, that spoke to me.
00;27;16;29 – 00;27;39;20
Unknown
Or while people are calling it sessions. Now, I know that when I read that I crack up, I love it. That’s how culture. That’s that’s actions for people. That’s right. They’re like a really like today session. I love it, but that’s what prompted you to say, you know what, I think we need to round two of the conversation about sports, because there was also because of my era or in my it’s the era that I’m in.
00;27;39;25 – 00;28;10;02
Unknown
Okay. That prompted me to say this to you. You’re not there yet because your child is only nine. I have a child who’s nine and or ten and, high school kid. So I’ve had two very different experiences now based on that and what that is coming to light. And that blew my mind. I also had have had the opportunity to run the I, elbow to the eyeball situation past a couple of parents who are in a similar situation that you are, and they all had the same reaction you did.
00;28;10;02 – 00;28;40;10
Unknown
What’s fascinating to me, people are blown away that I would threaten to go out on the court, and make a statement about what was going on. And I have had such a hard time wrapping my mind. So, so again, this is like one of those linear things for me where like, it’s so clear that that’s what you do in that situation because that’s the right thing and that now I’m receiving social feedback.
00;28;40;21 – 00;29;00;07
Unknown
That that might not be an acceptable cultural, not as a, not as a spectator. Right. The people who are in charge, what should have happened. And this is probably where your colleagues or whoever you were talking to, the referee should have intervened. It should have been clear cut on what was going on. There should be no conversations.
00;29;00;07 – 00;29;15;04
Unknown
It doesn’t matter how old you are. There’s a there is rules, right? I think that’s probably what they’re feeling because as a parent and a spectator you do not intervene. But they felt similarly that you did that. Oh well, that probably isn’t going to happen because oh well, that’s just how sports are played now. And yeah, things are just overlooked.
00;29;15;04 – 00;29;33;23
Unknown
And like this massive injustice just happened on this court. But, well, I guess that’s what you get for playing sports, but that’s it’s the referee’s job to manage that. But when the referee doesn’t, and everyone was in agreement with you that no one else should step in. No, and I don’t. That’s the part I don’t understand. So I’m going to let the referee judge it.
00;29;33;27 – 00;29;57;13
Unknown
I’m going to let the referee stand in. I’m going to let the coach stand in. And then at that point when none of those things have happened from a bystander perspective, I just saw something happen that’s completely inappropriate. And if I don’t feel it’s been handled, I’m going to handle it. That’s the part socially that I’m getting interesting feedback from that every other parent.
00;29;57;16 – 00;30;18;24
Unknown
It’s a it’s a fear based response and I’m just being so genuine when I say this. I can’t understand the fear based response. What are we worried about? We’re worried we’re going to get judged by the coach. We’re worried that the other people on the bench are going to have a reaction. So there’s about a fine. There is read about parents, spectators, do not interject.
00;30;18;28 – 00;30;37;04
Unknown
That is not your place. This is not the playground. This isn’t I just witnessed something happen. This is it. Or where does it say that’s a rule? You’re saying that the social rule. No, it’s a league rule. There. Are you signed forms? Oh, we’ve not signed any form. Oh, so we sign for you guys. That’s a rule. It’s not a rule where we are.
00;30;37;05 – 00;30;56;16
Unknown
We sign forms, we get email notices, and we get talked to from the board prior to our season. These are the rules you do not interject period. A little bit more frequent on the on the west side for some reason than it is on the east side. Well we play on the east side all the time. Well here’s the thing.
00;30;56;16 – 00;31;15;03
Unknown
So that’s the rules. Yes. Then my response would be not a problem. Happy to follow those rules. Make sure you’re holding up your end of the bargain about what happens with those rules. Correct. And so when, when and it does happen on the field because as a spectator now keep in mind the referee can only see what the referee can only see everybody.
00;31;15;03 – 00;31;39;24
Unknown
Absolutely. And there are referees who are terrible. Sure. And allow very bad things to happen. There. It is our expectation as parents that coaches now get involved. Absolutely. And when the coach looks the other way, yep. That’s when you have feelings. Now my coach will say he will. He will address referees but he’s allowed to. And if he gets kicked out fine.
00;31;39;25 – 00;32;00;02
Unknown
He will not tolerate parents getting involved. Fair it is. But this has bene. But it’s fair spoken who’s been identified? He has signed the form. So we’ve talked about it. We’re all clear what the culture is. Yes. So that could be a part of it. Because that’s not happening and I’m not. And then sign a form. I would not have signed the form right.
00;32;00;02 – 00;32;19;12
Unknown
Because the form would have to say I am perfectly fine taking a back seat to justice when other people are upholding it. Yes, also. And that should be fair. I do not need you to to fight justice at the level I would fight justice. Right? So if the coach had gone over in that particular situation and been like, hey, you know, this is not okay.
00;32;19;12 – 00;32;51;16
Unknown
You know, let’s, let’s, let’s talk about that. If it was addressed, I think I would be like, okay, okay, I can see that. But but the feedback that I’m getting from these other parents is this like it’s a fear based response. Or in my mind, this is this is what I’m tracking it up to. It’s this fear based response of putting yourself out there in the situation because it’s not culturally acceptable, not just not previously discussed, just not culturally acceptable to be the parent who steps in.
00;32;51;18 – 00;33;11;26
Unknown
And then there’s another part that comes in that is like, oh, the frequency at which this happens is so much that we would be doing it all the time. But I hear that and I think we have a massive problem on our hands here in, in a multitude of ways. One why is that happening is in as often as it’s happening.
00;33;11;28 – 00;33;41;06
Unknown
Second, why have we created where did this cultural expectation come from that no one is saying something now like, don’t, don’t get me wrong, I’m not on every kid for every little bad call or thing. No, I happen I think it’s the opposite of what you just said. There have been way too many parents interjecting and saying how they personally feel about things, and therefore the game is constantly in chaos because parents are interjecting whatever their thoughts are, so they have to put her will listen.
00;33;41;10 – 00;33;58;29
Unknown
No one cares about what the parents think. It comes down to the ref and the coach, period. And if the coach looks the other way and allows a kid to be violent, then we just have to be angry about it. The coach should manage it because the parent, the minute the parents get involved, we now have this whole escalated thing.
00;33;58;29 – 00;34;18;11
Unknown
It’s just become a problem. So then in that situation, if I were to just let it go, I’m 100% would need to go up to the coach at the end of the game. And on a hundred hell just happened. And my kid will not continue to play on this. Now. It would be very hard for me to resign.
00;34;18;11 – 00;34;42;08
Unknown
I know that in the moment I know, right? Especially if your kid got that would be okay. Yes. Oh, you have every right to have a conversation with the coach about anything you want. And again, keep in mind I am I know nothing about sports, so for me to have any sort of conversation with the coach would probably be inappropriate until I ran a by ran it by somebody who knew what they were doing right.
00;34;42;08 – 00;35;10;19
Unknown
Well, but it’s not just that you don’t know much about sports, but you’re also conflict avoidance. So you’re not going to have that conversation because you’re going to be really uncomfortable with it anyway. Right? But if there was a situation that I felt was unjust and wasn’t handled the correct way, I would, I would just have a conversation and I would get more information and then I would have to decide, am I comfortable in how this person who is in that a quote unquote authority position role, handled them?
00;35;10;22 – 00;35;27;04
Unknown
And if not, then I have to make some choices. Right. And there have been there have been people I know who had to make that choice. Some people don’t like the way certain things go down. There are certain teams. We all have our little nicknames for certain teams. There’s certain teams on the East side that we all hate because we know what’s going to go down.
00;35;27;08 – 00;35;51;20
Unknown
Right. And so this is also an integrity lesson that the coach has to teach the kids. And it’s like, guys, we know we’re playing a really aggressive team today. Be prepared, be prepared, be conscious. You and children are not allowed to say a damn word to the ref. At all or the coach. You are silent. You listen to what you need to be to do during.
00;35;51;20 – 00;36;11;12
Unknown
This is all culture right. Of the, of the games and stuff. And then you can have conversations after. But in the moment you go with the call. How many times have you been when it’s bad calls or bad or they’re or they’re overlooking, overlooking the trips or why they’re even saying that I do feel I don’t know what that maybe maybe it’s just because it wasn’t prefaced ahead of time.
00;36;11;14 – 00;36;38;14
Unknown
Or maybe it’s because I don’t trust that my nine year old has the judgment. You know, he is allowed to feel what he needs to feel in that moment, but I don’t trust that he has the experience or judgment in that moment to not react. And but I also don’t put my own judgment to that. But that’s the that’s the difference, because I think that the things that your, your child particularly struggles with is always going to be an issue when it comes to that kind of stuff, just because that’s his natural.
00;36;38;16 – 00;37;06;17
Unknown
It’s he’s you’re you’re so linear and you’re so neurodivergent that you can’t constantly ebb and flow and switch. It’s too difficult. Therefore, God forbid, an injustice happen based on that which I totally understand or understand. I don’t I don’t know, I think it’s it’s the same thing when, when the culture, if your child gets hurt and goes down, you don’t run on the field as a parent, you have to let them manage it.
00;37;06;17 – 00;37;24;10
Unknown
And then you can walk around and go to the bench. As long as the coach is okay with it to intervene. The other component is sometimes the parents make it worse just because of the kid’s emotions, right? Because they want their parent. So all of a sudden they’re hurt more. It’s more dramatic if you let somebody else handle it.
00;37;24;11 – 00;37;48;03
Unknown
Maybe they can defuze the situation much faster. Right? You have to think about all those components. But you also know your kid, right? Yes. And that’s where you make the judgment call. Right? I understand we’re not you know, Carter’s not on a basketball team or he’s the only kid on the team. So I understand that there’s team dynamics and there’s expectations and all of that.
00;37;48;05 – 00;38;09;06
Unknown
But in the first tournament that we went to, this kid got pushed down to the ground. Not not intentionally. It just happened. Right. And you could hear this kid hit his head on that floor. Yeah. Throughout that gym. Yeah. I immediately was like, oh, oh, this is not okay. I know it’s not okay. Yeah. And within he didn’t get up.
00;38;09;22 – 00;38;29;20
Unknown
So within just a couple of minutes his mother went out on the court to check on him. And why didn’t the coach. There’s no doubt in my mind that I would have done the same thing. And it didn’t feel awkward to me. It didn’t feel weird to me. And then the coach came over and then, you know, I think they moved the players around and whatever.
00;38;29;20 – 00;38;52;07
Unknown
And then he went and sat on the bench and he got himself together. But it really sounded like he cracked his head. So there’s I think what I’m saying is for, someone who’s a little neurodivergent, there’s some weird social expectations of what happens in kids sports that, I’m not playing by the same rules and that are likely going to make it very awkward for myself or for my son.
00;38;52;09 – 00;39;12;24
Unknown
And I’m I know we’re not the only people that fall into this situation, but in that case, it was okay for that mother to go check on her son. Why? Because it sounded like this kid cracked his frickin skull open. Like that’s, you know, I understand. So my kid gets pushed down. I’m not going to be running on the court and be like, okay, but I he’d be embarrassed to share it if I did that.
00;39;12;24 – 00;39;40;21
Unknown
Right. But it’s like trusting your own personal judgment. But then it’s when the withholding of your personal judgment has to lapse, because that’s not culturally what’s happening in that sport. That is just I’m finding it very confusing to me. It’s a fine line. It’s a fine line because you also don’t want to be the problem parent, and you’ll get cut next year because then you don’t want to deal with it.
00;39;40;21 – 00;40;06;26
Unknown
But this raises an interesting dynamic too, that I think is going to go into some of what you wanted to bring up today. There’s a very odd social game that has to be played. Yeah. Alongside your kids journey in sports. Oh yeah. And it’s not with your kid. It a little bit of it is with your kid.
00;40;06;26 – 00;40;39;27
Unknown
Like your kid needs to fit in with the right kids, and your kid needs to accept invitations to go play with these other kids. And, you know, but it’s also with the parents needing to connect socially with these other parents because there’s like this weird politic game that happens all with in the who gets selected and who gets told about certain events and who gets told about the up and coming tournaments that might be happening in.
00;40;39;27 – 00;41;20;28
Unknown
You’re either in the in-group of being a part of that, or you have to find out on your own. And if you do, good luck to you, or you’re intentionally left out of that. And I’m really struggling with that whole piece because I’m completely disinterested in participating in any of that. But also have such a strong desire that if my child has, at the end of the day, after all the things we’ve tried, decided the basketball all is this thing, am I going to be the social reason why he doesn’t get asked to participate?
00;41;20;28 – 00;41;43;21
Unknown
And then what do I need to do or change among myself in order to make sure that he at least has a fair shot? And then how do I not change my personality so much and start hanging out with a bunch of people that I don’t care to hang out with, just as a result of trying to make sure that my kid has the same opportunities.
00;41;43;23 – 00;42;03;20
Unknown
I think it’s a fine line. I think. I think there is a lot that goes into that. I think there’s it. It also depends on your kid’s ability and how far they want to be pushed. Right. Because you’re not going to like we talked about this before. You’re not going to put them in a situation where x, Y and z is required and he just doesn’t want to do that.
00;42;03;22 – 00;42;25;13
Unknown
That’s totally fine. You you don’t have to do anything. You could you can play with your friends in the cul de sac. But but what’s this? What’s this social game? Has this social game always been around? I can’t answer that thing because I didn’t play sports. I can’t my parents. If there’s a social game, I don’t know. I don’t know if they would have recognized there was such a social game, but it feels like if.
00;42;25;15 – 00;42;44;26
Unknown
And so to your point that you were talking to me about earlier is this starts when they’re five, six, seven years old. Oh, even younger than that. Our kids started playing soccer at two, two and three. And then yeah, it has a programs that well, they have a program. They have a skill building program run around. And yeah, it’s like a bunch ball.
00;42;44;27 – 00;43;01;28
Unknown
But you know, they’re learning I can’t walk. And Daisy is still they’re learning the core concepts of, you know, they were in dance class two. They’re learning core concepts of in soccer. We don’t pick up the ball. And you know, like they’re learning these core things. Right. And then we then we start to move into different opportunities. And we look at the skill level.
00;43;02;00 – 00;43;18;09
Unknown
Taylor was very advanced at a very young age. So we went to different towns because she was just so bored and on certain teams. And then other coaches would see her and recruit her and be like, she needs to come over here. And then we’d look into that, you know, like it’s a whole process. But she wanted that.
00;43;18;13 – 00;43;41;05
Unknown
Sawyer saw what her sister did and just followed in the footsteps. Do I think she’s passionate about soccer like Taylor? Probably not. Is she? She good at it and capable? Absolutely. But would that have been her first pick? I don’t know, she just wants to do everything her sister does. So, I’ve had a lot more experience with Sawyer because I’ve already gone through it with Taylor.
00;43;41;07 – 00;44;00;11
Unknown
But there there’s the social ness associated with who you don’t piss off who. You need to be careful about what you’re saying things around, who you. But I had to learn that through felt a knack to yourself with. I was the one that was like you. I was like, oh my God, they just heard her and Phillips, like, you shut your mouth.
00;44;00;13 – 00;44;20;03
Unknown
You don’t say that. You shut it. You say nothing. You be silent. Let them deal with it. I’ve had to learn that through people who’ve been around the block or our refs. A lot of parents on our team, our refs in this. I’m talking about the social aspect of the relationships you have to have with the other moms.
00;44;20;05 – 00;44;41;06
Unknown
Oh yeah, relationships you have to have with the other coaches who also are married to the moms who throw their all parents in. And I don’t know what this is in basketball yet. I’m just assuming that it’s a part of this social game. But like, whose husband is the coach of which group and then who do you not want to piss off?
00;44;41;06 – 00;44;59;12
Unknown
Because they’re not going to be invited, I think. Yeah, I think you just do you want your child to interact with so that they can stay in the same hotel room because you want to be buddies, so they get more opportunities. What they want is that I think they they seek you out. At least that’s been my experience.
00;44;59;12 – 00;45;21;24
Unknown
I’m so glad I did not have to experience any of this with my coach. Seriously, what did your kids do? Scott? Sean played, baseball. He played baseball from, I think, age six to probably 12. And then he wasn’t good enough to go on to like the travel sport, the travel team. And he didn’t care enough like he played.
00;45;21;24 – 00;45;44;21
Unknown
He had fun when he was there. He didn’t get all pissed off when they lost. He didn’t go crazy when they won. He just enjoyed it and that was it. And when he wasn’t playing baseball, he wasn’t thinking about baseball. It was something that he was doing in the moment. Isn’t that beautifully normal? Yeah. Isn’t that a beautifully normal child’s reaction to just enjoying or not enjoying or participating in it last?
00;45;44;21 – 00;46;01;13
Unknown
Yeah, we didn’t have a little monster who was like, all about the Yankees and lived and died for the Yankees or whatever. And yeah, got, you know, went crazy and the kids got in fights and they were like, oh my God. And then when he didn’t, he’s like, I don’t think I want to play anymore. And he started playing golf and he was good at golf.
00;46;01;13 – 00;46;15;03
Unknown
So we’re like, yeah, you can play golf great. And then he didn’t want to play golf anymore. I’m like, all right, whatever you want to do. He kept playing the the trombone throughout school and now he’s a music major and he’s awesome at the trombone, so you know. Yeah. But he found his niche. Yeah. But and he did.
00;46;15;03 – 00;46;36;26
Unknown
But he didn’t like a sports was just something that like. And we, we did the there was a I think three years he was in International League. And so for three years he played and the Fairport team I think one won the championship that like three years after that. But the golf no. For baseball he it’s a little league.
00;46;36;26 – 00;46;52;21
Unknown
He was he was on a good team like he had good coaches. But there were a couple of times like early on where it was terrible. Oh yeah. And it was like Coach Pitch. And the guy, the coach that was pitching was terrible. He used to say, can you have the other coach pitch? Because none of the kids can hit this pitch, right?
00;46;52;24 – 00;47;10;12
Unknown
None of them. He’s pitching terribly, you know. And it was just it was an interesting ride. And I not been drinking at that time. I don’t think I could have made it through it, but thankfully, thankfully, I’m not in that place anymore. But it was. There were some parents that were just like, oh my God, really?
00;47;10;15 – 00;47;28;07
Unknown
Well, the part I have to keep track of for this is how much is how much is what Carter really wants and how much is me. Right. Feeling like I might need to scheme in the background to figure out how my kid has the best opportunity for success? Yeah, after I have schemed, I have not. But let’s pretend I have schemed.
00;47;28;10 – 00;47;54;15
Unknown
After I have schemed. If he then decides he doesn’t want to do this thing anymore, am I going to allow him to not do the thing? Because I’ve now created a social bank that is big enough in order to accommodate where he wanted to go? Well, I think I think you have to assess that fairly early, I just do I think you have to start doing that with a neurodivergent kid who, like Scots, jumps around from chess club to basketball to this, to that, to the other thing.
00;47;54;15 – 00;48;13;08
Unknown
And that’s another part of the problem. I don’t need my kid to know he wants to go to the NBA at the age of nine. I want him to enjoy playing like at the rec center. They offer this thing in the summer. That’s like, come try out a bunch of different sports. I’m like, I frickin love that. Yeah, you know who’s not going to that?
00;48;13;08 – 00;48;36;29
Unknown
The kids that are like hell that I’m basketball all the way. Yeah. Hell bent. I’m lacrosse all the way. Yeah. Hell bent I’m between lacrosse and basketball. But that’s where I’m spending my time. And I’m not guest on anything. A lot of kids are multi-sport athletes specifically. And in my until they also have to figure out, you know, you better be pick and soccer at the end of the game and you’re having to make that investment strategy socially into no.
00;48;37;02 – 00;48;54;12
Unknown
I put it in both places. My experiences, they they so pull it off all the way through high school. I know a lot of kids who are sure multi athletes and their parents have them in travel leagues, all of them, and then the coaches just work together because at the end of the day, the coaches want them active every single day in some capacity.
00;48;54;18 – 00;49;10;24
Unknown
And that may mean you’re on this team doing the Euro lacrosse game today, but then tomorrow you’ll come to practice because you can. They just make it work. What if I’m wrong? If those kids that that are all about sports and that’s their thing, sure. But that to be their thing, that has to be. Yeah, there have to be.
00;49;10;25 – 00;49;38;20
Unknown
Yeah. It’s all in because it’s her. I’m actually annoyed. I’m like, oh my God, do we have to go to another damn game? Right? It’s all as they want to. Yeah. What though? My, I don’t even know if I should say this on the podcast. We can let her know it, but one of the reasons why my my sister in law’s family is not close with our family and my in-laws anymore is because they put their kids sports ahead of everything ahead of all of it.
00;49;38;22 – 00;49;54;05
Unknown
So we had a we had a birthday party for my for my mother in law was their 70th, and none of them came because so-and-so had a game and, and they were younger. So it was like, are you telling me they can’t miss this game? I was like, we play games. Well, he well, he’s the best player on the team.
00;49;54;05 – 00;50;15;22
Unknown
So if he misses a game then everybody’s like, it’s like, come on. Oh no, no, really. And it’s like, oh. So like you couldn’t take them to the game. Why can’t your husband take the kid to the game. And the daughter whose mother’s birthday it is could come. Correct. Right. It was that, that was like the, the, the point at which everything started to go downhill with the relationships with our two families.
00;50;15;24 – 00;50;34;14
Unknown
And it was, it was all due to like that whole sports thing, like sports was the be all, end all. And it came first above everything else, above family. No matter what, you cannot miss this game. You are the most important kid. You play all these different sports and we worship you. And that’s what that’s where they found their identity.
00;50;34;21 – 00;50;50;15
Unknown
So that that is the core of the problem. They found their identity in that. And therefore that took a priority. No, we there are many times that we’re like, nope, we can’t go to this tournament this weekend because we got such and such a going on, and then the kid doesn’t play right. You know, we make those choices all the time.
00;50;50;15 – 00;51;13;18
Unknown
Yeah. But I think it has to be child driven. Yeah. Because you the minute my kid is like, oh, I don’t want to go to practice for the 20th time this week, that’s a that’s not good. Yeah. I never said that. My brother really wanted my my nephew to play baseball. And he was he was really got to play because he played baseball.
00;51;13;18 – 00;51;30;12
Unknown
He played baseball when he was younger. My brother did. And he loved it. He was all about little league and playing baseball. My nephew didn’t want to do it. My nephew was an outdoor Katie like to climb trees. He like he liked animals. Like he had all these iguanas and stuff and didn’t want to play baseball anymore. My brother’s like, you’re playing baseball, you’re playing baseball.
00;51;30;12 – 00;51;54;24
Unknown
And finally it was like, okay, I guess you really don’t want to play baseball. You don’t have to play baseball. Yeah. Thank you. I don’t want to freaking play baseball. I’m not you. Yeah, yeah, that’s hard for some parents. Look at it, though. He figured it out. Yeah, it just took them a while. The other component that my youngest coach says at the parent meeting every year we have to have, this is supposed to be fun.
00;51;54;29 – 00;52;10;16
Unknown
This is supposed to be encouraging for the kids. This is not, you know, your kids aren’t going to the Olympics. They’re not, you know, going to the whatever World Cup. I don’t even know what soccer is called. And he said, you know, if you feel that strongly, you need to join your own damn adult league and you need to get him because of the love.
00;52;10;16 – 00;52;34;04
Unknown
It’s like, get the Yaya, get your own. Yeah, yas, out in your own, capacity because the parents are living vicariously through their child. Yes. Okay. And that’s a problem when you’re supposed to cheer and be excited. And in theory, you should be doing it for every kid on the team because we’re we’re a team. Even as parents, the minute you start screaming and getting in, the kid in the ref’s ear and all this stuff, it’s a problem.
00;52;34;04 – 00;52;55;08
Unknown
He also hates when the parents coach from the sidelines. He’s like, you have no idea what we’re teaching these kids during practice. You have no idea what our goal for this game is. You have no idea. So do not open your mouth other than yay! Good job! I swear I feel really bad for the parent. I feel really bad for the parent.
00;52;55;13 – 00;53;14;14
Unknown
You’ve created an environment here where you’re like, sit down, shut up. Don’t open your mouth and cheer it on over here. Coach says you’re being the correct over here though, you’re like, scheme behind the scenes though, and make sure your kids got the best opportunity possible. Make sure that there’s high stakes because there might be a scholarship on the horizon.
00;53;14;21 – 00;53;35;03
Unknown
Make sure that that kid knows that if they want to be anyone when they get older than they have to do X, Y, and Z, make sure that you shut your mouth enough that you’re actually, you know, fitting in with the culture, however, don’t fit in too much with the culture. That right do you see? Like we’re putting all of this socio cultural context on these parents, but yet we’re turning around and saying, shut up and sit down.
00;53;35;29 – 00;53;55;01
Unknown
But isn’t that life? Isn’t that how you go through school? Isn’t that how you go through preschool? Isn’t that through how you got it. What do you mean. It’s just navigating the situation that you’re in. So when I would, I would work with my son and throwing baseballs and you know then I’m not Mister Sports by any means, but we’d work on some rudiments and stuff like that.
00;53;55;01 – 00;54;09;16
Unknown
And then when he went to to playing the game, I’ve seen this before where the coach is saying, all right, do this. And then the and the one dad’s like, no, no, no, Johnny, remember this. This is why it’s how you do it that way. And the coach is like, what the fuck am I here for? You know what I mean?
00;54;09;16 – 00;54;38;00
Unknown
Like, they don’t want their kid to listen to the coach because they’re they want to be the coach so bad, but they’re not there. So. Yeah, I have to. You derail. I get everything they’re working for. I guess you’re talking about, right? You’re talking. I get that part. Yeah, it’s. It feels like a double standard to me where we’re like, I’m not going to pay attention to the fact of what you’ve had to do in order to scheme to get here and that you screaming on the sidelines is related to the fact that you just want your kid to have the best opportunity for success.
00;54;38;00 – 00;55;00;11
Unknown
What I’m going to do is tell you to sit down, shut down and shut down. Yeah, sit. Shut down and shut up. Right. And so, like, we lose the, I don’t I don’t think it’s I don’t know, we’re, like, creating this double standard system where we’re like, you need to sit there and act like a parent who just wants their kid to be out here and have a good time and enjoy what they’re doing.
00;55;00;13 – 00;55;24;15
Unknown
But also behind the scenes, let’s, like, fail to completely acknowledge that you’re a mini recruiter who’s doing all the things behind the scenes to make sure that your kid has the best opportunity for success. I see them as things don’t. They don’t go together. I see them as I see them as different. I see them as their. You are literally just the spectator like in that moment at the game, right?
00;55;24;17 – 00;55;44;12
Unknown
You are the spectator you are. You are just enjoying all of the hard work that they have put into something, and then they debrief the game after with the with the coach. You, the coach even goes so far as to say don’t even bring it up on the way home. Just tell them good job. Even if they were terrible like we are the ones that give them the feedback, not you as parents unless the kid brings it up.
00;55;44;12 – 00;56;20;08
Unknown
So yeah, we’ll come home and be like, mom, I totally made a mistake. But she’s saying shit, I don’t even know what she’s talking about. I’m like, wow, looks good to me. Like I’m freaking out. But it’s it’s the relationship that they’re building and the trust that they’re building with that coach, and that’s their role. We’re just the cheerleaders, but we’re we’re the vehicle that’s putting them in that scenario, or that team or that experience or that whatever, and then just hoping and trusting that we’ve aligned them with the people we want, influencing their child.
00;56;20;10 – 00;56;41;05
Unknown
Because you have control with that. I don’t have control with who teaches my kid at school. I’m forced to the teacher. I may not like their ideals, their whatever, you know, but I got to go along with it. And I got to teach my kid how to navigate that situation. Damn liberal teachers. But, you know, like, if you don’t want to be seen as a problem child, don’t cause problems.
00;56;41;07 – 00;57;03;25
Unknown
Sit down and shut up. I am, I feel, lost and like I have a really strong opinions. I just don’t know what they are. That’s what I feel. But I didn’t get it. I think that your justice coming out, you want everything to be fair and it feels not fuzed. I feel like I feel confused and lost.
00;57;03;25 – 00;57;19;23
Unknown
And so you’re the type of person who would feel strongly that if there’s a parent cut, let’s say there’s a great kid on the team. Yeah. And they’re really great. But the parent can’t get their shit together. They can’t be on time to practices because of X, Y, and Z. They never show up to participate in extracurriculars like all the other parents.
00;57;19;23 – 00;57;36;12
Unknown
But this kid’s great, right? It’s that kid is at the mercy of the parent. That kid’s getting cut. Agreed. Right. Yeah I agree with that. You do agree with that. And I believe we should have a conversation with the parent. And I think that the coach should say to the parent, your kid has so much potential and they’re really, really great.
00;57;36;12 – 00;57;54;03
Unknown
However, the rest of this team is also important. And here’s what the problems are that arise from Johnny not making it to practice on time. I believe this to be true in band. Oh yeah, be true in theater. Be true in sports. So really true in right. And you have to have that opportunity. It’s not about the one kid.
00;57;54;03 – 00;58;16;23
Unknown
It’s about how that one kid plays into the dynamic of the rest of the kids. I feel that way about performance appraisals at work. You know it’s just in general and in ultimately if the parent is not able to get their act together for this kid, then we’re not going to continue to accommodate the bad behavior that continues to happen because the rest of the team is going to be so impaired because of that.
00;58;16;23 – 00;58;37;00
Unknown
Okay. So then what happens when your kid is a part of this particular basketball team? He’s made great friends and whatever, and all of the other kids skills are excelling, but yours is not time to go. Okay. So you would be fine with that? Absolutely. Your skills aren’t your skills aren’t to to where they need to be. And I know that you’ve tried really hard and I know you’ve put in right all of the time.
00;58;37;00 – 00;58;58;04
Unknown
That needs to. However, your skills are best matched for an XYZ group. It’s not this group. So then what is your XY? What happened to my son? Not that’s a normal thing that happens. What’s gonna happen is you know where that’s not okay from a social standpoint. What happens when you’re in all your mom’s groups, right, that are all playing soccer together and you’ve played and played and played for all this time.
00;58;58;04 – 00;59;18;19
Unknown
That’s where you build up all this social capital. And then one of those kids get cut. Oh, yeah. And that mom is she’s still part of the soccer group. Is she still in the group chat? She still comes to y nights on Friday. Yeah, right. That’s what I mean about social capital. Not normally in that group. It would be you would have to form an outside chat.
00;59;18;19 – 00;59;36;25
Unknown
Correct. And hopefully keep her right. Yeah. No there happen back. No that doesn’t happen very rarely. And if it does it ain’t last and long because your social capital is so wrapped up in that community. Well, not only that, but that is your entire that’s your life. That’s your soccer mom, right? That’s where you get the term soccer moms.
00;59;36;26 – 00;59;58;09
Unknown
Yes. You have no free time. Every moment that you spend that is not at work, right, is spent with your family or doing something soccer wise. That’s about when it comes to that social capital you’ve built up, you’ve schemed and done. What you need to do. Scheme is such a terrible word, I know, but I know what you’ve done, what you’ve had to do behind the scenes to make sure your kid fits in enough.
00;59;58;14 – 01;00;20;06
Unknown
Your kid’s friends with the right friends. Your kid isn’t making friends with the kid who’s going to be the loser? Who’s going to get kicked off, right? Right. There’s that social scheming that happens behind that you are doing in order to position your child, right. Hey, we don’t talk to so-and-so about such and such, right? Cause here’s what it because their dad is the coach of whatever.
01;00;20;06 – 01;00;40;18
Unknown
And here’s where, like, it’s like this little mini, politic game. It’s. Yeah. It’s incredible. And then the minute that you get kicked off, it’s like, what were we really genuine friends with this person? Did we really care what happened to this person? Or will we friends with this person for a little while because we really liked them.
01;00;40;18 – 01;01;01;09
Unknown
But now is that social reaction going to fall off? Because you have no social worth to me anymore, and I’m so hell bent on what I need to do from a social perspective to make sure that my kid is fitting in in this environment. That’s the part I genuinely do not think my parents were participating in any of that in the 90s.
01;01;01;09 – 01;01;27;04
Unknown
Yeah, probably. Probably not. Feels unreal. Real to me. It’s like, you know, only certain people are in email groups. Only certain people get included in text messages. Yeah, only certain people get invited to certain tournaments. So sometimes there’s like this scheming from a very young age about who is going to ultimately be on the team when we get into high school, like so that, okay, all of that is okay.
01;01;27;04 – 01;01;49;21
Unknown
But me yelling because my kid just got the, you know, like, I don’t know if they’re even in the same category. I don’t know if it’s related in my mind. I need to keep my mouth shut on that bench, because if I become the child that the trouble parent, then Carter is going to be impacted. Well, you could also be the trouble parent scheming on the outside, because if that chick gets back to the coach.
01;01;49;21 – 01;02;09;25
Unknown
Yeah. This parent problem. Yeah, absolutely. It may it may not impact the coach at all. But the coach knows it’s impacting because I say I know. So many stories of parents that have said to coaches, just so we’re clear, my kid’s not coming back. If that kid’s coming back and if that coach prefers my kid over yours happens all the time.
01;02;09;25 – 01;02;31;10
Unknown
So here’s here’s my question. On a scale of 100%, how much of it is about these kids that just want to play sports and have a good time? Not in this arena? And how much of it is who who is liked enough for, you know, keeping their act together enough or blowing someone in the corner, you know, to make sure that that kid gets on such a stretch.
01;02;31;10 – 01;02;58;17
Unknown
This team. What league is this? Yeah, Scott’s all in with him. Jay. That’s one. That’s one. Whatever. What is he got to do this. He Scott you Euro Scott. I’m cutting this up. You’re gone. We’re done. No, but you’re absolutely right, I don’t. Sorry your kid doesn’t make the cut up. But is that what you are?
01;02;58;20 – 01;03;24;10
Unknown
That is that when you’re living vicariously through your kid, like I don’t, that has defined you as a human? That your kid is so good, I don’t. I don’t know, I don’t I’m I see this is where it comes for a computer. Confusion plays for me. I don’t know if I really care about my kid playing basketball or if I’m playing a social game, or if I’m just trying to make sure he fits in or if I really care.
01;03;24;12 – 01;03;50;04
Unknown
I just that that’s specific to to Carter, and I don’t even feel at this point is specific to Carter. I’m using that as an example. I’m so confused about which game we’re playing, in which social construct we’re playing, and I wasn’t involved in any of this. It was like Sean was just going through all of this, and I was just sitting around kind of making sure he didn’t die.
01;03;51;02 – 01;04;10;11
Unknown
Yeah. I mean like if he, if he was friends with one kid, fine. If he was friends with another kid, fine. I didn’t get involved in. Oh no. Like don’t talk to that kid. And I let him choose which kids. Well usually unless the kid’s a fucking weirdo. Yeah. And I’m talking. I’m that guy. There were kid.
01;04;10;13 – 01;04;34;15
Unknown
My kid. Anyway. So. So there there were kids. There were kids that at the time, you know, looking back retrospectively, there were definitely neurodivergent kids, and they were eccentric and they were the kids that the other kids would pick on. And my kids knew that those kids were different, but they didn’t treat them any differently, which they shouldn’t, which they shouldn’t.
01;04;34;15 – 01;04;49;27
Unknown
But the other kids did. And I could see that and felt bad. And we would talk to them and be like, you know, did you think it was okay that everybody laughed at Johnny because of what he said and how he how he plays ball? No, I think that’s terrible. Right, exactly. And that’s it. That’s the only thing that we talked about.
01;04;49;27 – 01;05;08;07
Unknown
But we didn’t we didn’t get involved in any of the scheming. Right? Yeah. We were asked to be can you do this for the team? Yeah. Because it was always the team mom, you know, the team parent or whatever. And I think one year we we were a team parent, but most of the time it was I was kind of like the same group.
01;05;08;07 – 01;05;30;15
Unknown
Like there’s clicks. You can’t get away the clicks. There’s always the kid who’s that’s the kid who’s really good. And his parents are really popular because the kid’s really good, know, like, or the parents just cool. And the and the. Yeah, right. Or they’re or they’re just they’re the rich ones. You think they had the same party at their mansion, like, hey, you didn’t come in our house, all right?
01;05;30;15 – 01;05;57;21
Unknown
Right. Well, we I do have to say one thing because, Sawyer is the first kid on the team. When somebody does something that is wrong or made a mistake or whatever, and they’re feeling very bad about themselves, she immediately goes over and hugs them. That’s her love language. She’s a that’s awesome touch, a touchy person. And, I’ve had many parents text me and say on the way home, so-and-so felt so good when Sawyer came and gave him a hug.
01;05;57;23 – 01;06;13;16
Unknown
Sawyer made a mistake not too long ago and scored on herself on our on our own team, and one girl got right in her face on her team and is like, you just lost this game for us and was like, really mean to her. So Sawyer felt really, really right. She felt really, really bad about. And I saw the whole thing happen.
01;06;13;18 – 01;06;34;23
Unknown
She sat, she sat behind the team. She was feeling really bad. Two other little girls came over and gave her a hug, and then she booster confidence back up and whatever. But you know. What what am I supposed to do? I mean, I talked to I let Sawyer come to me and talk about it. And I said, you know, we talked it through, but am I going to go up to that parent and be like, I gotta talk to you about what your kid just said?
01;06;34;23 – 01;06;56;02
Unknown
Mine. Oh, no, I don’t know. I could see Aaron’s a showing. How do you feel better about yourself saying that? You know, I would go right to the kid. Yeah, I would go right to the kid. And I would say, hey, I know sometimes it gets really tough when. When the pressure’s on, but when someone scores on their own goal, do you think they did that on purpose?
01;06;56;07 – 01;07;16;02
Unknown
Well, do you think they felt everything I do is about how do you think that other person felt? They do that for Carter all the time and they do that. And I’m not doing it to shame the kid. I’m doing it because there’s a frickin life lesson there that’s incredibly important, right? Or if I didn’t have any relationship with the kid, maybe I’d go to the parents and I’d be like, hey, I’m not telling you how to parent here.
01;07;16;05 – 01;07;31;06
Unknown
But I do know that sometimes things get a little rough. And when my kids scored on themselves and your kid decided to go up to her and say, hey, you’re really blue goats for the whole fucking team. You know, maybe you shouldn’t do that again. I don’t know, maybe that’s worth more. They’ll have a conversation. You want to have a conversation?
01;07;31;06 – 01;07;48;13
Unknown
Great. You don’t wanna have a conversation. Great. But I’m good. At least make sure that you know that we’re both clear in this moment that a fucking conversation should be happening. Because I’m not. I’m so big on accountability. I would be doing that with my kid, and it makes me so that I don’t know the only kid that’s going to be held accountable because your kid’s a damn asshole.
01;07;48;13 – 01;08;08;07
Unknown
Yeah, but did the parent feel the same way? I don’t know, you’re an asshole, too. Did the parent. Well, that’s that’s so. So the maybe that’s my part, right? My part is I don’t care who thinks what should have happened there. The answer is that was incorrect. And whether you do something about it or not is up to you.
01;08;08;08 – 01;08;26;17
Unknown
But what I’m going to do is make sure that you don’t go to bed tonight thinking you’re okay. Well, and I’m I have to check myself because I’m not competitive. So for me, it’s not about winning right where other people it is. And it’s like, well, you know, you it’s not about winning either. It’s about feelings. Well, Phillip was like, well she scored on herself.
01;08;26;17 – 01;08;42;04
Unknown
She needs to set the rest of the game. And I’m like, oh okay. You know, again, he’s a coach, right? This is how coach. And I don’t think about that. I’m just thinking she feels bad enough that she she knows she messed it up. She didn’t need some other girl on the team to throw it in her face.
01;08;42;04 – 01;08;58;17
Unknown
Exactly. You know, and so all of these things are going through. And in that moment, I’m seeing her crying. But I can’t be that mom to go over in that bench. There’s. That is not. But I’m thinking how I’m gonna pare that, do that in the car. Correct. But you know who does the extra coaches. They manage at all.
01;08;58;20 – 01;09;15;29
Unknown
And if they don’t, then they she can’t be on that team. These coaches are wonderful. We have we have been lucky I have. And I’ve gone up to the coach after the game and said, hey, I saw what you did to support Carter during that moment and I just wanted to let you know that’s exactly what he needed.
01;09;15;29 – 01;09;36;20
Unknown
Thanks for seeing him. But see, that’s you and that’s great, I like that, but that’s the environment we’re going to be. And end of the day. And that’s for me, the beautiful part about choices. You know, you’re with school, you’re forced. You’re forced with who you got right. Who you’re assigned to. At the end of the day, it comes down to this for me.
01;09;36;23 – 01;09;59;13
Unknown
We need to keep track of why we have our children in the events that we have them in. Again, I don’t care if it’s band, marching band, theater, sports doesn’t matter. Chess club. I don’t care what it is. We have to keep track of what it is at the end. Goal is the end goal for us about what we want them to learn about that experience.
01;09;59;15 – 01;10;17;26
Unknown
And as many times as whatever that choice is that you have to be in whatever event tries to pull you in a million different directions. And it will. I can tell you already it well, that if you keep your eye on what did I want my child to learn at the end of this? And how do I stay the track for that?
01;10;17;26 – 01;10;38;19
Unknown
Yeah. Then that’s ultimately, at the end of the day, what I think we’re all trying to do. And the second thing I think we’re trying to do, so we all just want our child to be accepted. Sure. No matter what that looks like, all the social scheming, all of it, you’re the best player on the team. You’re the worst player on the team, but you’re the best friend on the team.
01;10;38;26 – 01;10;55;21
Unknown
At the end of the day, we’re trying as parents to make sure that our child has a place. Yeah, and to give that child the best place it possibly can so that when an 18 you send them off and whatever they’re going to do, they’re going to do, right. You set them up to be in the best place you can.
01;10;55;24 – 01;11;20;19
Unknown
And everything that we’ve talked about in this session, it’s like the outskirts of one that goes too far. Yeah. And to keep track of that, and just if I could constantly being reminding myself what is the main thing I want Carter to get out of sports. Right, right. And if it’s team team camaraderie and enjoyment, fun and enjoyment, then the minute that whatever he’s involved in steps outside of that, it’s time.
01;11;20;21 – 01;11;45;25
Unknown
And it’s my job as a parent to get him back into the program or get back into. But I have to be prepared that all of these other things that we have been talking about are going to pull in a million different directions. I know, and it is alive and well, and it is my job at the end of the day to make sure that what my main goal I have for him is where we end up when he is 17 or 18 or whatever, even beyond, right?
01;11;45;28 – 01;12;04;24
Unknown
Even beyond. Because at the end of the day, you’re you’re paving that road, right? Yep. No. What else? You need to keep track of your time. This fucking time. I know she’s did I know we didn’t even talk about what I wanted to talk about. It’s fine. We’re going to sports part three. Whatever. I know that I am the only person who can bring forth the creativity that lives in my body.
01;12;04;27 – 01;12;28;15
Unknown
I am magic. Look at that. Look at that. Oh, wow. Wow. That’s the creativity that lives in your body. That must be it. I loved that. Me too. It is an empathy. Amazing. Well we’re amazing. I don’t know about all this empathy stuff. That’s fine. I accept you wherever you are. Oh, God, I love you. I love you too.
01;12;28;18 – 01;12;48;16
Unknown
And if you love us, please like and subscribe to More Love the Power of Empathy podcast. Wherever you get your podcasts. See you next time.