Erin [00:00:00]: So how parental language forms the voice that’s in our head as adults. So there are biological underpinnings that have been there and are there and will be there forever about why the biological weight of what we hear from our parents matters. First and foremost, it’s not something that you can at all help. It is there. It will be there for all eternity. And you’re still doing it to your own children today without recognizing it. Season three, my friends.
Rebecca [00:00:35]: I can’t believe it.
Erin [00:00:35]: The start of season three. When we first started this three years ago, the best advice that we got was just keep doing it.
Rebecca [00:00:44]: All right?
Erin [00:00:45]: And we just kept doing it, and season three came, and Joe’s like, we’re doing it different. We’re doing it different.
Rebecca [00:00:51]: And be ourselves.
Erin [00:00:52]: Yes, that’s right. Be authentic. Be yourselves. That’s exactly what we have coming to you this season.
Scott [00:00:56]: Be yourselves. As long as it, you know, goes along with what we’re talking about.
Erin [00:01:00]: Right, Right.
Scott [00:01:01]: As long as our guidelines of you being yourselves.
Erin [00:01:04]: That’s true.
Rebecca [00:01:05]: And how many times have I heard Rebecca Ren it in? Yeah, Right.
Erin [00:01:07]: Yeah. Be yourselves. Except maybe not that much.
Rebecca [00:01:10]: It’s okay. It’s okay.
Erin [00:01:11]: True. But we’d like to thank those of you who have been with us for all three seasons so far. For those of you who are still with us, God bless you.
Rebecca [00:01:20]: I know. Thanks.
Erin [00:01:20]: I can’t. Can’t believe you’re still here. And those of you who are actually had people that were basically standing outside with their little picket signs and where the heck is season three?
Rebecca [00:01:28]: I know.
Erin [00:01:28]: I’m like, not okay. I know, girl. Stacy’s been wa. Been waiting for this a long time. Kelly up the street. Been waiting a long time, right?
Rebecca [00:01:34]: No, we’ve been prepping.
Erin [00:01:35]: Yeah, we’re here for you girls.
Rebecca [00:01:36]: We have a lot.
Erin [00:01:37]: We got a lot going on. Those of you who just joined, welcome.
Rebecca [00:01:41]: Good luck.
Erin [00:01:42]: Welcome, and good luck. Strap yourselves in. Season three, exciting. For today’s episode, we. I’m sorry. Session.
Rebecca [00:01:51]: Oh, yeah, sorry.
Erin [00:01:52]: Some things don’t change. Some things don’t change. Number one, an episode is also referred to as a session.
Rebecca [00:01:58]: Even I created an outline, and I even called it a discussion.
Erin [00:02:01]: They are called sessions. We have our premenopausal fans still in the room for season three, so some things just don’t change. So for this session, we are going to talk about the biological weight of parenting. What does that mean? It means the voice that is inside your head from your parents or your primary caregivers is there and has been there for a Reason it continues to impact your life to this day. We’re going to talk about what ways that has been impacting and then how to break the cycle if it’s no longer a voice that you want to keep churning inside of you every single day.
Rebecca [00:02:38]: I’m excited to talk about this because this is. This has been an ongoing conversation with us for a long time.
Erin [00:02:42]: Oh, yeah.
Rebecca [00:02:43]: Even. Even before we had kids.
Erin [00:02:45]: Oh, absolutely.
Rebecca [00:02:46]: This has been a. This has been an interesting topic.
Erin [00:02:48]: Absolutely.
Rebecca [00:02:49]: Yeah.
Erin [00:02:49]: So.
Rebecca [00:02:50]: So some things don’t change in the podcast. Yes, some things don’t change. They’re still. We’re still doing the hippie boo. Still doing the hippie boo, folks.
Erin [00:02:56]: Still doing the three. Still Hippie boo. Hippy boo. So what you’ve got for us? We pulled a card.
Rebecca [00:03:00]: This one’s called Strength. I think we had this before. This is the merman who is pulling out the fish from the net that looks like a vagina.
Erin [00:03:08]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:03:08]: Yep.
Erin [00:03:08]: Absolutely. Definitely had this before. Let’s see those vagina lips. Let all that fish come out.
Rebecca [00:03:12]: That’s right.
Scott [00:03:12]: I’ve gotten trapped by many a net.
Erin [00:03:16]: That’s right, Scott.
Rebecca [00:03:17]: Now we haven’t. We haven’t. But that’s okay.
Erin [00:03:20]: Maybe not.
Scott [00:03:21]: Maybe not trapped. And maybe it was voluntary.
Erin [00:03:24]: I was going to say, is the word trapped or enjoyed?
Rebecca [00:03:26]: I mean. Yeah, that’s right.
Erin [00:03:27]: That’s right. Appreciate it.
Rebecca [00:03:28]: All right, so this is actually pretty cool. This says this card shows patience in the face of conflict. You standing your ground rather than. Rather than being overwhelmed. What opposes you is lower than you are. This may be your own fear, guilt, or other emotions that shake your confidence. Or a person, person who is acting in an unreasonable way by projecting these emotions onto you. Having compassion while keeping your personal boundaries strong and refusing, Refusing to be taken advantage of shows the strength of your character. An additional meaning to the card is literally physical strength. So you must stand firm, be calm, and take the higher moral ground.
Erin [00:04:06]: Wow.
Rebecca [00:04:07]: This is pretty cool for this episode.
Erin [00:04:08]: I’m telling you, I swear to you all, we do a lot of ad libbing in this podcast. We sure do. If you can’t tell. I know, it’s really surprising. We all just always look so polished. But Rebecca, legitimately, maybe you do just pulls these cards the minute that we get in here. That’s right. She does a little shuffle thing and one of them falls out. She thinks that that’s a sign. She thinks that she picks it up. I could not think of a better. Should be talking about what we’re talking about. It’s so true.
Rebecca [00:04:34]: It’s so true.
Erin [00:04:34]: Biological weight of parenting.
Rebecca [00:04:37]: So I’m going to give you a little bit of a background now. Aaron and I prepped just a very little bit because we wanted to, you know, have some type of definitions, you.
Erin [00:04:43]: Know, and we wanted to make sure that we were both okay with what we were talking about. That’s how to be rude to our own parents. Because we have that ticker running in the back of our head that’s like, they’re not going to be happy. They’re not going to be happy if we talk about it. That’s right.
Rebecca [00:04:54]: So I’m just going to give some basic quick background and we’re going to kind of focus on our own kind of personal experiences. So our both of our parents are from the boomer generation. So I’m going to give some quick bullet points of what kind of characteristics are from boomers. So when it comes to our parents, they are kind of when it comes to parenting, they were the hands on guidance when it came to parenting and they kind of taught their children to follow the correct path. So there was a right way to be, a right way to do things, a right way to talk or act, act in public. They kind of had this version of conditional love. So you had to do things in order to receive love. You had to do the right thing to receive love. Love is earned, that kind of thing. And then when Aaron and I were talking, she kind of came up with this term murderism. Not murder.
Erin [00:05:54]: No, not martism.
Rebecca [00:05:56]: Martism, martyrism and can. Do you want to talk about that real quick?
Erin [00:06:01]: Absolutely. So one of the things I was thinking of, that’s a pretty big generational difference between my mom and myself, my parents and our generation is this concept, particularly in regard to my mom, where when she was parenting, she was in some ways this martyr for our family. Do all be all at all costs. It did not matter if she was working a job and also taking care of us and making sure that the meals were made and all of these things. It was this concept that this is my role in this family and I will do it. Despite everything, compared to our generation is much more, wow, that doesn’t seem to work really well because you’re going to burn yourself out and you’re going to really struggle with the self care aspect. And so having those two things that pretty strong odds with one another. You can imagine, as we’ll talk about here in a minute, how when I’m going on a cruise with some of my friends, as a matter of self Care and my husband is home with my child or I’ve called in the troops to help assist while I’m away. My mother might be really confused about why I would at all choose self care over what I needed to do to make sure that my son was up in the morning or going to school or those types of things. So martyrism versus a more self care approach.
Rebecca [00:07:21]: Yeah. The other thing we had in common is both of our mothers worked.
Erin [00:07:24]: Yes.
Rebecca [00:07:25]: So not all of our friends parents. Yes. Both parents worked. Some of our friends moms were stay at home moms.
Erin [00:07:31]: Yes.
Rebecca [00:07:32]: So I think that that also played a role in the martyrism. Also because they worked all day and I went to daycare. You didn’t necessarily go to daycare. Your parents were both teachers. Mine were not. So I also went to daycare and summer camp over the summer. So when we were home as a family, that was our family time. You had a lot more family time than I did, so that played another role. Then there are millennials. Us. Us, the millennials.
Erin [00:07:58]: We actually are in some weird generation. I can never remember the name.
Rebecca [00:08:01]: We are like a micro generation, Generation X. We are on the cusp. Well, I’m, I’m 1981, like you like to say. So I’m born December 27th.
Erin [00:08:10]: Yes.
Rebecca [00:08:10]: 1981.
Erin [00:08:12]: One.
Rebecca [00:08:12]: She is January 11th, 1982. So we’re on. On the cusp. Even though we graduated the same exact year.
Erin [00:08:19]: Yeah. 81 versus 82.
Rebecca [00:08:21]: I know.
Erin [00:08:21]: She likes to make sure you guys.
Rebecca [00:08:22]: We are two weeks apart. It’s fine.
Erin [00:08:24]: Older. She’s older. She’ before I do. It’s fine. That’s right.
Rebecca [00:08:28]: Anyway, we are still the same generation, but we were very much raised. Our parents raised us the same way. That’s to clarify that. So millennials, millennials foster we as parents, we foster our children to have independence and to have resilience. We parent by having our children explore identity, their own identity and their own passions. We parent our children with unconditional love. We don’t have a conditional sense. We don’t make them earn love. We do prioritize self care. We are more than just moms. So we are parenting different these days. And you’ll see a lot of that through social media or talking to other moms or things like that. And there’s a lot of talk about that out there. And so I think that this session we’re going to talk about those kinds of things and kind of where they came from. So let’s, let’s get into it. Let’s let’s get into why parents. Let’s start out with why our parents words carry so much weight and you know, kind about even prior to us having our own children, why when we maybe were in high school, when we first started to form our own identities or why when we went to college or we’re starting to choose our own friendship circles or our own mates, meaning our boyfriends or our career paths or whatever they may be. Why do you think our own parents words carried so much weight in our lives? What was it for you?
Erin [00:10:05]: It’s so, it’s so fascinating for me because I wouldn’t have told you that that was a conscious thought that I had.
Rebecca [00:10:10]: Me neither.
Erin [00:10:11]: Right. I wouldn’t have said, oh, I’m just so aware that John is in my head at all times telling me. But then once I got a little older and now I think I’ve explained on the podcast before, my parents live in an in law house next to mine. So you want to talk about large in charge and right in your face all the time about these generational differences.
Rebecca [00:10:28]: Yes.
Erin [00:10:28]: It’s come to a blow a couple of times because of the different expectations they have versus the expectations that I have.
Rebecca [00:10:36]: Yeah.
Erin [00:10:36]: And then poor little Carter’s in the middle of like, what that sort of looks like, right?
Rebecca [00:10:42]: Yep.
Erin [00:10:42]: But I think to myself, it wasn’t a conscious thought that I would have John Halligan or Ellen Halligan in the back of my mind, but boy, they are there so clearly in a majority of my interactions that I have hundred. So I’m thinking things like, here, here’s. Here’s a stupid but small but real example. So my husband and I have been married for 10 going on 11 years. His office is in the basement and he wanted to spray paint the ceiling of his office in a copper color. Now I think that’s totally fine. Nobody cares. It’s your office. Have a great time. Keep the window open so you don’t get high down there, but have an awesome time. Now, mind you, my parents live next door. In my head is John Halligan saying things like, you did not physically say this. This is just in my head. You’re telling yourself a story that’s not a great idea. Why are we using spray paint? Or have we made sure that all of the little tags that are hanging off of all of the pipes have been covered properly so that they’re not covered by spray paint? So we now know what each of the pipes does. Is there proper ventilation down there? Have we had. I could go on and on and.
Scott [00:11:59]: On that Sounds like wise advice to me.
Erin [00:12:03]: Whatever, Boomer. Whatever. Boomer basically might as well be Boomer. So this is where this becomes a problem. So this then interacts and it becomes an issue with me and my husband, because in my heart, I just want him to have an office that he wants to have. But I find myself saying things like, do you have fans down there to blow the fumes out of your office? Have you covered up the little tags that go on the pipes just so we make sure we know what they are? That’s not me. I genuinely, I think at my core am very much like, we’ll figure it out later. If that’s a problem, you know, go ahead and just do whatever. But I’m sort of connecting what I already know is going to be an issue to what situation is unfolding. And so these little things would come up for me, particularly around my dad. I think it’s different for you because your dad wasn’t around for a majority of the time. Right, right, right, right. But for my dad specifically, I’ve really tried to look into, like, what. What is this? Right. And so here’s some of the things that I have found. Kids brains are wired to absorb parental messaging like little sponges.
Rebecca [00:13:17]: Yeah.
Erin [00:13:17]: It’s actually what keeps them safe.
Rebecca [00:13:19]: Totally.
Erin [00:13:19]: Right. So what you are feeding your children in terms of how we treat the world, how we react with other people, what is going to keep them safe? What do they do when they come in contact with strangers? How do they make friends? Right. They are. Because they’ve not had those neural connections yet. Are looking to those parental figures, whether it’s parents, aunts, uncles, it’s who you surround your child with matters.
Rebecca [00:13:45]: Oh, my God.
Erin [00:13:46]: Because.
Rebecca [00:13:46]: Made me think of something. What? I picked Taylor up the other day and she said something in the car and I gave her a look, and she says to me, oh, my God, Mom. The other day I was walking down the hall and somebody said something and I gave them the look. And they said to me, why do you always give me the look? And she goes, because I’m my mom. And they go, what do you mean? And they go, my mom gives the same look when people say the stupidest things.
Erin [00:14:16]: Yep, it’s the same thing. She’s absorbed that like a sponge.
Rebecca [00:14:21]: She absolutely has.
Erin [00:14:22]: She’s effective. And now she’s using it on her classmates.
Rebecca [00:14:25]: Yes, absolutely. And so I thought I sat back and I was like, oh, my God, I gotta stop doing that.
Erin [00:14:31]: So from a brain development standpoint, completely normal. Absolutely. Right. So that’s a Part of it. Here we are as young people, we are set to gather this information from our parents, and that is what keeps us safe, and that’s what sort of frames our worldview. Right?
Rebecca [00:14:44]: Yes.
Erin [00:14:44]: The second thing is that we have this cortisol and dopamine. Right. All these little, like, I want to call them hormones because I’m in perimenopause. And what are they? Whatever. They’re these little chemicals that are in the brain. Right. You’ve probably heard about cortisol and dopamine all over the place in terms of depression and anxiety and those types of things. But the same is true when it comes to praise and criticism. So whenever we get praise for doing something well or that people liked, we get this little dopamine rush. That happens. Right. When criticism happens, then the opposite effect happens. We do. We tend to not feel great about ourselves. We feel shame, we feel guilt, we feel all of these other little emotions. Right. So when those types of things happen, we are positively reinforced when we’ve done something that our parents say, I’m proud of that. That’s really good. And we are negatively reinforced when they either verbally or, in my parents case, passive aggressively send you the message that that was not a. A preferred activity or response.
Rebecca [00:15:49]: Or the look.
Erin [00:15:50]: Or the look. Exactly right.
Rebecca [00:15:52]: I’m very good at giving the look. So that, in fact, we’re going to develop a look when you’re off time.
Erin [00:16:01]: When you’re going too long. Right. It’s like this. Right. And then we have this inner voice. So how parental language forms the voice that’s in our head as adults. So there are biological underpinnings that have been there and are there and will be there forever about why the biological weight of what we hear from our parents matters. First and foremost, it’s not something that you can at all help. It is there. It will be there for all eternity. And you’re still doing it to your own children today without recognizing it.
Rebecca [00:16:29]: Oh, my gosh. It makes so much sense. I love that. Well, the next thing we’re going to talk about is the greatest hits.
Erin [00:16:37]: Oh.
Rebecca [00:16:38]: Of parental phase phrases.
Erin [00:16:40]: Okay.
Rebecca [00:16:40]: I can’t wait. I can’t wait, because I’m sure you got some doozies.
Erin [00:16:43]: Oh, I got a bunch.
Rebecca [00:16:44]: Yeah.
Erin [00:16:44]: Just actually let me bring out my little book here. So how is this playing out in our lives currently? Yeah.
Rebecca [00:16:50]: Because they’re lasting effects. Yes, for sure.
Erin [00:16:53]: Absolutely for sure.
Rebecca [00:16:54]: I mean, I can. They. They can bring you to your knees. It’s like. It’s like how sense can bring you right back to memories. So do you have any that you can share? Or do you have, like, any experiences or. They’re even. They can be just so simple as I told you so.
Erin [00:17:07]: Yeah, right.
Rebecca [00:17:08]: You know, is. You know, do you have anything you can share?
Erin [00:17:10]: Well, I’m thinking about a specific example recently where my dad and I had. Actually, it was a beautiful conversation. And it was about boundaries. And he essentially was saying, at the end of the day, what I care the most about is that Carter, my son, is well taken care of. He’s supported, and he’s getting everything that he needs in order to succeed. That’s a Boomer phrase, right? A Boomer phrase of, I’m gonna provide for you, and I’m gonna set you up on the right path, and I’m gonna make sure that you have what you need in order to be successful. And so my response back to him was, whose opinion on whether or not he’s getting what he needs to be successful matters more yours or mine? And I saw my father stop for one of the first times. Cause usually he’s got some zingers that he just wants to come back with. And he said, that’s a really interesting point. And I said, because I don’t think that you and I necessarily are on the same page about what success looks like for Carter. So when I’m telling him that he needs to do his own laundry, the Boomer perspective may have been, well, why aren’t you doing that for him? He’s a kid. He needs to focus on other things other than chores. And in my mind, I’m thinking, I’m setting you up for the rest of your life, kid, because you need to be able to be successful in these areas without people always doing these things for you. Who’s right and who is. Who is mentality is coming out, right? So we had this beautiful conversation where he said, that’s a great point. And maybe I need to remember that my way is not necessarily just the only way. And I said, I really appreciate you saying that. Because when you have different opinions or thoughts, and I’m curious with our listeners if you experience this as well, particularly if you have parents that are boomers and if you yourself are a millennial or raising your children, first of all, you have this biological weight that you already have these things going on in your mind, right? And we have such a drastic difference between the way that boomers parent and the way that millennials parent, which immediately is gonna put you at odds. Then all of a sudden, you have this greatest hits. Right. So this aspect of. Because I said so, you are so dramatic. You can do anything that you set your mind to. Right. Those types of statements are ringing in your head. Sugary cereal’s not appropriate for you to purchase for your kids. It is not okay that you are encouraging them to play with this friend. Right. Because we don’t agree with this particular friend. Right. So like, you have these, these greatest hits that keep coming up for you. And I just think it’s so interesting to think about how the biological conditioning mixed with the fact that we can’t get these things out of our head then impacts our own parenting. It impacts the stories we tell ourselves.
Rebecca [00:20:03]: Even like gender roles. Should little boys play with dolls?
Erin [00:20:07]: Right.
Rebecca [00:20:08]: Should little boys play with kitchen sets? Should little girls play with tools?
Erin [00:20:13]: Right.
Rebecca [00:20:14]: Things like that.
Erin [00:20:15]: Absolutely.
Rebecca [00:20:16]: I didn’t really think about. I had two little girls. And what’s funny to me is when I would have the soccer teams over who had little kids. I have zero boy toys. Zero. I never ever considered buying my kids Hot Wheels. Why would I do that?
Erin [00:20:35]: Which is interesting because I would say both of your girls are stereotypically tomboyish in very much ways as well.
Rebecca [00:20:42]: But I always let, I, I didn’t buy toys for them. I would let them pick out toys. They just never picked out cars or whatever. But all of the kids in their lives were boys. So when we went to your house, they played with boy toys. They never cared.
Erin [00:20:56]: Right.
Rebecca [00:20:56]: But when it came to our house, they never picked those. Right. But I never, it was never conscious. So in that. Interesting.
Erin [00:21:01]: Yeah, it is interesting.
Rebecca [00:21:02]: Yeah.
Erin [00:21:03]: Anyway, I just think it’s. It’s fascinating that if you’re a millennial parent and you’re listening to the voices inside of your head or very, you know, verbally from your current parents, saying things to you like, why are you doing it like that? That’s not appropriate. You should be doing it different. Why are you allowing them to look this way in public? Did you see how they just responded?
Rebecca [00:21:25]: Right.
Erin [00:21:25]: Those, those types of things that I’m sure our listeners could give us a million other examples of things that are said that’s going to impact who you are at your core. Right. Because you’re tending to your own normal responses that you’re having to your parent. Again, that criticism. So my parents opinions on how I’m parenting, Carter, can come across as criticisms constantly for me, whether they really are or not, while I’m also fighting against that to say, this is how I wanna be as a parent. Here’s who I am as a mom. And so I have found this dynamic at play so clearly in my relationship with my parents that I have struggled with. Do I tell them that I’ve done this particular thing or are they gonna disapprove of that? Cause I don’t want my parents disapproval, but I also want to make sure that I’m still parenting the way that I wanna parent. Yeah, right.
Rebecca [00:22:24]: I had a great, I was telling you on the way here, I had a great conversation with my mom. I was telling her the topic we were going to talk about today and I said, you know, can we talk? Give me some examples for you. And she brought up just the concept of physically watching kids. And she said when she grew up, she grew up in a very, very, very small town where everybody knew everybody. And she said from the moment the sun came up to the moment the sun came down, you were outside. And she said because of that, you were on your bike, there was nobody calling anybody up. You just went to somebody’s house on your bike and you know, you hung out there till lunch and then somebody’s mom made you a sandwich. You didn’t have to ask your mom if you could have anything, whatever.
Erin [00:23:02]: Right?
Rebecca [00:23:03]: She goes, then I’m. Then I had my kids and we moved to a bigger neighborhood where it wasn’t a small town anymore. So now you had to call friends and make what we would call play dates, but you would drop your kid off.
Erin [00:23:15]: Yep.
Rebecca [00:23:15]: You didn’t stay there.
Erin [00:23:16]: Yep.
Rebecca [00:23:17]: She said, now your kids, you create these play dates, but you have to stay, stay with them because you don’t know these parents and you don’t know anything about them. She goes, it’s the world is so scary that you can’t even let your child stay out in the backyard on a trampoline. You need to be right there with them because you don’t know who might come in your backyard to steal them. And I’m sitting here thinking, I let my kids stay in the backyard, I’m doing dishes, I’m doing laundry, I’m not watching her. And here my mom is saying I would, you know, as the grandparent and if she knew I let my 10 year old go to the bathroom at the mall by herself, she would lose her mind.
Erin [00:23:59]: Yep. Yep.
Rebecca [00:24:01]: Lose her mind.
Erin [00:24:01]: Yep. Absolutely. And, and I think what this brings up is this, this concept of how difficult it is to be a parent anyway right now. All of the different changing social expectations. Social media is a part of the game. Kids have cell phones now.
Rebecca [00:24:18]: Oh, don’t get me started.
Erin [00:24:20]: So. So many different parts of parenting. I’m not saying that it’s, oh, so much harder to be a parent right now because there were other challenges that were happening for our boomers parents. Right.
Rebecca [00:24:30]: The world is always changing.
Erin [00:24:31]: But when I’ve said very clearly to my parents, I want you to know that it’s different and that I’m doing the best that I possibly can to parent in this environment. And my parents still want me to parent like they did when they were boomers. Really, the only thing that comes about with that is I feel shame and guilt. I feel like I’m a terrible parent. I feel like I’m not doing something right.
Rebecca [00:24:52]: Right.
Erin [00:24:53]: Which then is upsetting. I feel like I’m, again, getting disapproval from my parents. And in addition to that, I’m really trying to be an advocate for my son in the way that I think he needs to be parented.
Rebecca [00:25:04]: Yeah.
Erin [00:25:05]: That being in the in between of that is really challenging to navigate.
Rebecca [00:25:10]: Yeah.
Erin [00:25:10]: And I would really love to hear from our listeners if they can relate with this. Is this. Is this just happening at my house? No. Like, is this just something that. But. But why. We came up with this as a topic. I don’t think people are talking about this.
Rebecca [00:25:23]: Probably not. Or if they are, it’s. It’s not.
Erin [00:25:26]: I’m not loud enough in my. In my circles.
Rebecca [00:25:29]: Yeah.
Erin [00:25:29]: And a part of that, I think, is this shame and guilt that we feel sure of. I don’t want to out my parents. You know, I don’t want to say that John and Ellen are rude and mean and whatever. And actually, my parents are some of the most kind human beings you’re ever gonna meet.
Rebecca [00:25:46]: Oh, yeah. Has nothing to do with rude and.
Erin [00:25:47]: Me, but there are ways in which I am harmed by their parenting style continuing to be projected on me as their child. This is part of the conversation I had with my dad, the really beautiful conversation that ended with him saying, I’m gonna have opinions about a lot of stuff. Why can’t you just toss it to the side and say, he’s just an old man. Why do I need to care? And I said, I don’t think that’s a fair statement to make. You’re my dad.
Rebecca [00:26:14]: Yeah. Yeah.
Erin [00:26:15]: And that’s, again, getting to these biological underpinnings, like, you’ll always be my dad.
Rebecca [00:26:20]: Right.
Erin [00:26:20]: I said, do you remember when grandma was in a place where she. She was, like, fricking 85 years old. Right. And my dad showed up late to go get her for lunch. And she was not happy about it. I said, you were 60 something years old, dad. Remember how that felt? That’s what happens. That’s a biological response. Response to your parent at all times. You don’t know that even when you continue to parent young adults.
Rebecca [00:26:45]: Right.
Erin [00:26:45]: You still have massive influence over how they feel and trying to find a way to connect with them, which is getting us into our third.
Rebecca [00:26:54]: I was gonna say. So how do we break that cycle? And I think part of that is having the conversations. I think it’s. It’s talking to our parents and saying in the moment, hey, hey, red flag here.
Erin [00:27:06]: That’s right.
Rebecca [00:27:06]: You know, you. Your words impact me.
Erin [00:27:09]: Let’s.
Rebecca [00:27:10]: Let’s talk about. I want to remind you that this is how I want to raise our kid. And I respect your feelings and I understand your feelings. However, please, please know that I take your thoughts into consideration. I do all of that. And we’ve had the conversation with the kids and blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, whatever it may need to be. Oh, yeah, I’ve said things.
Erin [00:27:27]: Let me tell you what this sounds like in my house, and I’m very clear. My house is not a normal house. We got two teachers. A therapist is just a little crazy sometimes. Some of these things sound like this. I really appreciate how much you care about Carter. And also I need the freedom to be able to parent him in the way that feels best to me. I understand that you might not agree with what that parenting looks like, and I’d like to encourage you to talk to dad or your other boomer friends about what that looks like, but I’d really like you to keep that as far away from me as possible, because it impacts me. Right. It impacts me a lot.
Rebecca [00:28:05]: Yeah.
Erin [00:28:05]: I’ve said things like, I need you to know that when I’ve asked you to do something and I’ve set a boundary on something and you continue to do it because you still think it’s best. It makes me feel like you think your parenting style is better than mine. And my mom has been floored by me saying some of these things because she’ll come right out and say, no, I think you’re a wonderful mom. No, I think you’re really great. And I’ll say, your actions toward me do not always imply that for me. And I need you to know how it’s impacting me. And as someone, like, for instance, when I do go take a cruise or go on a vacation, and I hear you huffing and puffing, and I notice you’re having a Reaction because that either impacts you or you don’t like that I’ve made that decision. I need you to know that that impacts me at a really great level. And so what I’m going to do in the future is lie to you about where I’m going because I’m not going to be honest with you if. If the response I’m going to get is shame and guilt that I’m feeling is hurting and it hurts me. And our Right. So having those conversations is definitely an important first step. If you are able to have those conversations.
Rebecca [00:29:07]: Yeah.
Erin [00:29:08]: Then challenging these negative internalized messages is another thing. So making sure that when something comes up, I have to ask myself, is that me or is that my parents speaking? And I understand that I need to care because I do about many people’s opinions about what my parents opinions are. But I also want to make sure that I am first prioritizing what myself or what me and my husband have decided is the course for our child. So how do I change those internalized messages? For me, it’s something as simple as saying, is that Aaron speaking or is that John speaking? And if it’s John speaking, then acknowledging that that’s what it is and saying, what would Aaron do in this situation?
Rebecca [00:29:49]: Yes.
Erin [00:29:50]: It’s done a number on my self esteem, honestly, being a part of this type of dynamic. And mine’s a little more in my face, like I said, because I live with it every single day. It might be a little easier for you to just hang up the phone and be like, okay, whatever I’m still gonna do, going to do. Right. But to say that it doesn’t impact you. Right. Is a lie. Right.
Rebecca [00:30:08]: Of course.
Erin [00:30:08]: And impacting other people is a lie. But just really questioning those internalized images or, or messages that we’re giving ourselves.
Rebecca [00:30:17]: Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Well, I mean this is a great, this was a great episode and I’m really excited because in our next episode you actually alluded to it.
Erin [00:30:28]: Oh.
Rebecca [00:30:28]: Because what’s our next topic?
Erin [00:30:30]: Mom guilt.
Rebecca [00:30:31]: Yeah. And you brought up up a great topic. Going on girls vacations. And I, I mean I know my mom never. My mom had friends, but she definitely did not go on a vacation.
Erin [00:30:44]: Going on a cruise and leaving with the grandparents.
Rebecca [00:30:46]: Definitely.
Erin [00:30:47]: For sure.
Rebecca [00:30:47]: Definitely.
Erin [00:30:48]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:30:48]: So I’m really excited to talk about that.
Erin [00:30:50]: Stick on for our next episode when it comes to mom Guild. But yeah.
Rebecca [00:30:54]: Do you have an affirmation card?
Erin [00:30:55]: Yes, I do. And I’m hoping that people will chat with us in our Facebook group. What a quiet, adorable group. Of people. They all just like a little lurkers. They’re little voyeurs in the background and they’re. I wonder if Scott’s gonna post something. So. Yeah, please. You know.
Rebecca [00:31:10]: You know what? You know what? It’s almost time for Scott to open his pool.
Erin [00:31:14]: Oh, Scott by 3000 coming at you to clean the pool near you.
Scott [00:31:23]: Yeah, that’s a lot of work.
Erin [00:31:26]: I do have an affirmation card. Oh, this is a good one too, you guys. New season, new affirmation card. Just want to show you. Well, mind mint over here.
Rebecca [00:31:37]: Love it.
Erin [00:31:37]: Big time recommendation. Today I choose joy over fear. Oh, fear of my parents. Expectations, peace, and intuition. When you encounter a situation that triggers fear or anxiety, like living with your parents, pause and take into pause and take an expansive breath into your belly. Reflect on something that brings you joy. Whether it’s a happy memory with a loved one or a favorite activity. Allow this positive thought to shift your perspective. Peace and intuition. So join us next time for our next episode of the More Love Podcast. This isn’t great that this sits like this. This is annoying. What if this caught on fire because of the incense? There we go. It was just backwards.
Rebecca [00:32:24]: It was just backwards.
Erin [00:32:25]: On the next episode of the More Love podcast. So until next time, keep feed healing.
Rebecca [00:32:30]: Keep questioning, and keep spreading more love.
Rebecca [00:00:35]: I can’t believe it.
Erin [00:00:35]: The start of season three. When we first started this three years ago, the best advice that we got was just keep doing it.
Rebecca [00:00:44]: All right?
Erin [00:00:45]: And we just kept doing it, and season three came, and Joe’s like, we’re doing it different. We’re doing it different.
Rebecca [00:00:51]: And be ourselves.
Erin [00:00:52]: Yes, that’s right. Be authentic. Be yourselves. That’s exactly what we have coming to you this season.
Scott [00:00:56]: Be yourselves. As long as it, you know, goes along with what we’re talking about.
Erin [00:01:00]: Right, Right.
Scott [00:01:01]: As long as our guidelines of you being yourselves.
Erin [00:01:04]: That’s true.
Rebecca [00:01:05]: And how many times have I heard Rebecca Ren it in? Yeah, Right.
Erin [00:01:07]: Yeah. Be yourselves. Except maybe not that much.
Rebecca [00:01:10]: It’s okay. It’s okay.
Erin [00:01:11]: True. But we’d like to thank those of you who have been with us for all three seasons so far. For those of you who are still with us, God bless you.
Rebecca [00:01:20]: I know. Thanks.
Erin [00:01:20]: I can’t. Can’t believe you’re still here. And those of you who are actually had people that were basically standing outside with their little picket signs and where the heck is season three?
Rebecca [00:01:28]: I know.
Erin [00:01:28]: I’m like, not okay. I know, girl. Stacy’s been wa. Been waiting for this a long time. Kelly up the street. Been waiting a long time, right?
Rebecca [00:01:34]: No, we’ve been prepping.
Erin [00:01:35]: Yeah, we’re here for you girls.
Rebecca [00:01:36]: We have a lot.
Erin [00:01:37]: We got a lot going on. Those of you who just joined, welcome.
Rebecca [00:01:41]: Good luck.
Erin [00:01:42]: Welcome, and good luck. Strap yourselves in. Season three, exciting. For today’s episode, we. I’m sorry. Session.
Rebecca [00:01:51]: Oh, yeah, sorry.
Erin [00:01:52]: Some things don’t change. Some things don’t change. Number one, an episode is also referred to as a session.
Rebecca [00:01:58]: Even I created an outline, and I even called it a discussion.
Erin [00:02:01]: They are called sessions. We have our premenopausal fans still in the room for season three, so some things just don’t change. So for this session, we are going to talk about the biological weight of parenting. What does that mean? It means the voice that is inside your head from your parents or your primary caregivers is there and has been there for a Reason it continues to impact your life to this day. We’re going to talk about what ways that has been impacting and then how to break the cycle if it’s no longer a voice that you want to keep churning inside of you every single day.
Rebecca [00:02:38]: I’m excited to talk about this because this is. This has been an ongoing conversation with us for a long time.
Erin [00:02:42]: Oh, yeah.
Rebecca [00:02:43]: Even. Even before we had kids.
Erin [00:02:45]: Oh, absolutely.
Rebecca [00:02:46]: This has been a. This has been an interesting topic.
Erin [00:02:48]: Absolutely.
Rebecca [00:02:49]: Yeah.
Erin [00:02:49]: So.
Rebecca [00:02:50]: So some things don’t change in the podcast. Yes, some things don’t change. They’re still. We’re still doing the hippie boo. Still doing the hippie boo, folks.
Erin [00:02:56]: Still doing the three. Still Hippie boo. Hippy boo. So what you’ve got for us? We pulled a card.
Rebecca [00:03:00]: This one’s called Strength. I think we had this before. This is the merman who is pulling out the fish from the net that looks like a vagina.
Erin [00:03:08]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:03:08]: Yep.
Erin [00:03:08]: Absolutely. Definitely had this before. Let’s see those vagina lips. Let all that fish come out.
Rebecca [00:03:12]: That’s right.
Scott [00:03:12]: I’ve gotten trapped by many a net.
Erin [00:03:16]: That’s right, Scott.
Rebecca [00:03:17]: Now we haven’t. We haven’t. But that’s okay.
Erin [00:03:20]: Maybe not.
Scott [00:03:21]: Maybe not trapped. And maybe it was voluntary.
Erin [00:03:24]: I was going to say, is the word trapped or enjoyed?
Rebecca [00:03:26]: I mean. Yeah, that’s right.
Erin [00:03:27]: That’s right. Appreciate it.
Rebecca [00:03:28]: All right, so this is actually pretty cool. This says this card shows patience in the face of conflict. You standing your ground rather than. Rather than being overwhelmed. What opposes you is lower than you are. This may be your own fear, guilt, or other emotions that shake your confidence. Or a person, person who is acting in an unreasonable way by projecting these emotions onto you. Having compassion while keeping your personal boundaries strong and refusing, Refusing to be taken advantage of shows the strength of your character. An additional meaning to the card is literally physical strength. So you must stand firm, be calm, and take the higher moral ground.
Erin [00:04:06]: Wow.
Rebecca [00:04:07]: This is pretty cool for this episode.
Erin [00:04:08]: I’m telling you, I swear to you all, we do a lot of ad libbing in this podcast. We sure do. If you can’t tell. I know, it’s really surprising. We all just always look so polished. But Rebecca, legitimately, maybe you do just pulls these cards the minute that we get in here. That’s right. She does a little shuffle thing and one of them falls out. She thinks that that’s a sign. She thinks that she picks it up. I could not think of a better. Should be talking about what we’re talking about. It’s so true.
Rebecca [00:04:34]: It’s so true.
Erin [00:04:34]: Biological weight of parenting.
Rebecca [00:04:37]: So I’m going to give you a little bit of a background now. Aaron and I prepped just a very little bit because we wanted to, you know, have some type of definitions, you.
Erin [00:04:43]: Know, and we wanted to make sure that we were both okay with what we were talking about. That’s how to be rude to our own parents. Because we have that ticker running in the back of our head that’s like, they’re not going to be happy. They’re not going to be happy if we talk about it. That’s right.
Rebecca [00:04:54]: So I’m just going to give some basic quick background and we’re going to kind of focus on our own kind of personal experiences. So our both of our parents are from the boomer generation. So I’m going to give some quick bullet points of what kind of characteristics are from boomers. So when it comes to our parents, they are kind of when it comes to parenting, they were the hands on guidance when it came to parenting and they kind of taught their children to follow the correct path. So there was a right way to be, a right way to do things, a right way to talk or act, act in public. They kind of had this version of conditional love. So you had to do things in order to receive love. You had to do the right thing to receive love. Love is earned, that kind of thing. And then when Aaron and I were talking, she kind of came up with this term murderism. Not murder.
Erin [00:05:54]: No, not martism.
Rebecca [00:05:56]: Martism, martyrism and can. Do you want to talk about that real quick?
Erin [00:06:01]: Absolutely. So one of the things I was thinking of, that’s a pretty big generational difference between my mom and myself, my parents and our generation is this concept, particularly in regard to my mom, where when she was parenting, she was in some ways this martyr for our family. Do all be all at all costs. It did not matter if she was working a job and also taking care of us and making sure that the meals were made and all of these things. It was this concept that this is my role in this family and I will do it. Despite everything, compared to our generation is much more, wow, that doesn’t seem to work really well because you’re going to burn yourself out and you’re going to really struggle with the self care aspect. And so having those two things that pretty strong odds with one another. You can imagine, as we’ll talk about here in a minute, how when I’m going on a cruise with some of my friends, as a matter of self Care and my husband is home with my child or I’ve called in the troops to help assist while I’m away. My mother might be really confused about why I would at all choose self care over what I needed to do to make sure that my son was up in the morning or going to school or those types of things. So martyrism versus a more self care approach.
Rebecca [00:07:21]: Yeah. The other thing we had in common is both of our mothers worked.
Erin [00:07:24]: Yes.
Rebecca [00:07:25]: So not all of our friends parents. Yes. Both parents worked. Some of our friends moms were stay at home moms.
Erin [00:07:31]: Yes.
Rebecca [00:07:32]: So I think that that also played a role in the martyrism. Also because they worked all day and I went to daycare. You didn’t necessarily go to daycare. Your parents were both teachers. Mine were not. So I also went to daycare and summer camp over the summer. So when we were home as a family, that was our family time. You had a lot more family time than I did, so that played another role. Then there are millennials. Us. Us, the millennials.
Erin [00:07:58]: We actually are in some weird generation. I can never remember the name.
Rebecca [00:08:01]: We are like a micro generation, Generation X. We are on the cusp. Well, I’m, I’m 1981, like you like to say. So I’m born December 27th.
Erin [00:08:10]: Yes.
Rebecca [00:08:10]: 1981.
Erin [00:08:12]: One.
Rebecca [00:08:12]: She is January 11th, 1982. So we’re on. On the cusp. Even though we graduated the same exact year.
Erin [00:08:19]: Yeah. 81 versus 82.
Rebecca [00:08:21]: I know.
Erin [00:08:21]: She likes to make sure you guys.
Rebecca [00:08:22]: We are two weeks apart. It’s fine.
Erin [00:08:24]: Older. She’s older. She’ before I do. It’s fine. That’s right.
Rebecca [00:08:28]: Anyway, we are still the same generation, but we were very much raised. Our parents raised us the same way. That’s to clarify that. So millennials, millennials foster we as parents, we foster our children to have independence and to have resilience. We parent by having our children explore identity, their own identity and their own passions. We parent our children with unconditional love. We don’t have a conditional sense. We don’t make them earn love. We do prioritize self care. We are more than just moms. So we are parenting different these days. And you’ll see a lot of that through social media or talking to other moms or things like that. And there’s a lot of talk about that out there. And so I think that this session we’re going to talk about those kinds of things and kind of where they came from. So let’s, let’s get into it. Let’s let’s get into why parents. Let’s start out with why our parents words carry so much weight and you know, kind about even prior to us having our own children, why when we maybe were in high school, when we first started to form our own identities or why when we went to college or we’re starting to choose our own friendship circles or our own mates, meaning our boyfriends or our career paths or whatever they may be. Why do you think our own parents words carried so much weight in our lives? What was it for you?
Erin [00:10:05]: It’s so, it’s so fascinating for me because I wouldn’t have told you that that was a conscious thought that I had.
Rebecca [00:10:10]: Me neither.
Erin [00:10:11]: Right. I wouldn’t have said, oh, I’m just so aware that John is in my head at all times telling me. But then once I got a little older and now I think I’ve explained on the podcast before, my parents live in an in law house next to mine. So you want to talk about large in charge and right in your face all the time about these generational differences.
Rebecca [00:10:28]: Yes.
Erin [00:10:28]: It’s come to a blow a couple of times because of the different expectations they have versus the expectations that I have.
Rebecca [00:10:36]: Yeah.
Erin [00:10:36]: And then poor little Carter’s in the middle of like, what that sort of looks like, right?
Rebecca [00:10:42]: Yep.
Erin [00:10:42]: But I think to myself, it wasn’t a conscious thought that I would have John Halligan or Ellen Halligan in the back of my mind, but boy, they are there so clearly in a majority of my interactions that I have hundred. So I’m thinking things like, here, here’s. Here’s a stupid but small but real example. So my husband and I have been married for 10 going on 11 years. His office is in the basement and he wanted to spray paint the ceiling of his office in a copper color. Now I think that’s totally fine. Nobody cares. It’s your office. Have a great time. Keep the window open so you don’t get high down there, but have an awesome time. Now, mind you, my parents live next door. In my head is John Halligan saying things like, you did not physically say this. This is just in my head. You’re telling yourself a story that’s not a great idea. Why are we using spray paint? Or have we made sure that all of the little tags that are hanging off of all of the pipes have been covered properly so that they’re not covered by spray paint? So we now know what each of the pipes does. Is there proper ventilation down there? Have we had. I could go on and on and.
Scott [00:11:59]: On that Sounds like wise advice to me.
Erin [00:12:03]: Whatever, Boomer. Whatever. Boomer basically might as well be Boomer. So this is where this becomes a problem. So this then interacts and it becomes an issue with me and my husband, because in my heart, I just want him to have an office that he wants to have. But I find myself saying things like, do you have fans down there to blow the fumes out of your office? Have you covered up the little tags that go on the pipes just so we make sure we know what they are? That’s not me. I genuinely, I think at my core am very much like, we’ll figure it out later. If that’s a problem, you know, go ahead and just do whatever. But I’m sort of connecting what I already know is going to be an issue to what situation is unfolding. And so these little things would come up for me, particularly around my dad. I think it’s different for you because your dad wasn’t around for a majority of the time. Right, right, right, right. But for my dad specifically, I’ve really tried to look into, like, what. What is this? Right. And so here’s some of the things that I have found. Kids brains are wired to absorb parental messaging like little sponges.
Rebecca [00:13:17]: Yeah.
Erin [00:13:17]: It’s actually what keeps them safe.
Rebecca [00:13:19]: Totally.
Erin [00:13:19]: Right. So what you are feeding your children in terms of how we treat the world, how we react with other people, what is going to keep them safe? What do they do when they come in contact with strangers? How do they make friends? Right. They are. Because they’ve not had those neural connections yet. Are looking to those parental figures, whether it’s parents, aunts, uncles, it’s who you surround your child with matters.
Rebecca [00:13:45]: Oh, my God.
Erin [00:13:46]: Because.
Rebecca [00:13:46]: Made me think of something. What? I picked Taylor up the other day and she said something in the car and I gave her a look, and she says to me, oh, my God, Mom. The other day I was walking down the hall and somebody said something and I gave them the look. And they said to me, why do you always give me the look? And she goes, because I’m my mom. And they go, what do you mean? And they go, my mom gives the same look when people say the stupidest things.
Erin [00:14:16]: Yep, it’s the same thing. She’s absorbed that like a sponge.
Rebecca [00:14:21]: She absolutely has.
Erin [00:14:22]: She’s effective. And now she’s using it on her classmates.
Rebecca [00:14:25]: Yes, absolutely. And so I thought I sat back and I was like, oh, my God, I gotta stop doing that.
Erin [00:14:31]: So from a brain development standpoint, completely normal. Absolutely. Right. So that’s a Part of it. Here we are as young people, we are set to gather this information from our parents, and that is what keeps us safe, and that’s what sort of frames our worldview. Right?
Rebecca [00:14:44]: Yes.
Erin [00:14:44]: The second thing is that we have this cortisol and dopamine. Right. All these little, like, I want to call them hormones because I’m in perimenopause. And what are they? Whatever. They’re these little chemicals that are in the brain. Right. You’ve probably heard about cortisol and dopamine all over the place in terms of depression and anxiety and those types of things. But the same is true when it comes to praise and criticism. So whenever we get praise for doing something well or that people liked, we get this little dopamine rush. That happens. Right. When criticism happens, then the opposite effect happens. We do. We tend to not feel great about ourselves. We feel shame, we feel guilt, we feel all of these other little emotions. Right. So when those types of things happen, we are positively reinforced when we’ve done something that our parents say, I’m proud of that. That’s really good. And we are negatively reinforced when they either verbally or, in my parents case, passive aggressively send you the message that that was not a. A preferred activity or response.
Rebecca [00:15:49]: Or the look.
Erin [00:15:50]: Or the look. Exactly right.
Rebecca [00:15:52]: I’m very good at giving the look. So that, in fact, we’re going to develop a look when you’re off time.
Erin [00:16:01]: When you’re going too long. Right. It’s like this. Right. And then we have this inner voice. So how parental language forms the voice that’s in our head as adults. So there are biological underpinnings that have been there and are there and will be there forever about why the biological weight of what we hear from our parents matters. First and foremost, it’s not something that you can at all help. It is there. It will be there for all eternity. And you’re still doing it to your own children today without recognizing it.
Rebecca [00:16:29]: Oh, my gosh. It makes so much sense. I love that. Well, the next thing we’re going to talk about is the greatest hits.
Erin [00:16:37]: Oh.
Rebecca [00:16:38]: Of parental phase phrases.
Erin [00:16:40]: Okay.
Rebecca [00:16:40]: I can’t wait. I can’t wait, because I’m sure you got some doozies.
Erin [00:16:43]: Oh, I got a bunch.
Rebecca [00:16:44]: Yeah.
Erin [00:16:44]: Just actually let me bring out my little book here. So how is this playing out in our lives currently? Yeah.
Rebecca [00:16:50]: Because they’re lasting effects. Yes, for sure.
Erin [00:16:53]: Absolutely for sure.
Rebecca [00:16:54]: I mean, I can. They. They can bring you to your knees. It’s like. It’s like how sense can bring you right back to memories. So do you have any that you can share? Or do you have, like, any experiences or. They’re even. They can be just so simple as I told you so.
Erin [00:17:07]: Yeah, right.
Rebecca [00:17:08]: You know, is. You know, do you have anything you can share?
Erin [00:17:10]: Well, I’m thinking about a specific example recently where my dad and I had. Actually, it was a beautiful conversation. And it was about boundaries. And he essentially was saying, at the end of the day, what I care the most about is that Carter, my son, is well taken care of. He’s supported, and he’s getting everything that he needs in order to succeed. That’s a Boomer phrase, right? A Boomer phrase of, I’m gonna provide for you, and I’m gonna set you up on the right path, and I’m gonna make sure that you have what you need in order to be successful. And so my response back to him was, whose opinion on whether or not he’s getting what he needs to be successful matters more yours or mine? And I saw my father stop for one of the first times. Cause usually he’s got some zingers that he just wants to come back with. And he said, that’s a really interesting point. And I said, because I don’t think that you and I necessarily are on the same page about what success looks like for Carter. So when I’m telling him that he needs to do his own laundry, the Boomer perspective may have been, well, why aren’t you doing that for him? He’s a kid. He needs to focus on other things other than chores. And in my mind, I’m thinking, I’m setting you up for the rest of your life, kid, because you need to be able to be successful in these areas without people always doing these things for you. Who’s right and who is. Who is mentality is coming out, right? So we had this beautiful conversation where he said, that’s a great point. And maybe I need to remember that my way is not necessarily just the only way. And I said, I really appreciate you saying that. Because when you have different opinions or thoughts, and I’m curious with our listeners if you experience this as well, particularly if you have parents that are boomers and if you yourself are a millennial or raising your children, first of all, you have this biological weight that you already have these things going on in your mind, right? And we have such a drastic difference between the way that boomers parent and the way that millennials parent, which immediately is gonna put you at odds. Then all of a sudden, you have this greatest hits. Right. So this aspect of. Because I said so, you are so dramatic. You can do anything that you set your mind to. Right. Those types of statements are ringing in your head. Sugary cereal’s not appropriate for you to purchase for your kids. It is not okay that you are encouraging them to play with this friend. Right. Because we don’t agree with this particular friend. Right. So like, you have these, these greatest hits that keep coming up for you. And I just think it’s so interesting to think about how the biological conditioning mixed with the fact that we can’t get these things out of our head then impacts our own parenting. It impacts the stories we tell ourselves.
Rebecca [00:20:03]: Even like gender roles. Should little boys play with dolls?
Erin [00:20:07]: Right.
Rebecca [00:20:08]: Should little boys play with kitchen sets? Should little girls play with tools?
Erin [00:20:13]: Right.
Rebecca [00:20:14]: Things like that.
Erin [00:20:15]: Absolutely.
Rebecca [00:20:16]: I didn’t really think about. I had two little girls. And what’s funny to me is when I would have the soccer teams over who had little kids. I have zero boy toys. Zero. I never ever considered buying my kids Hot Wheels. Why would I do that?
Erin [00:20:35]: Which is interesting because I would say both of your girls are stereotypically tomboyish in very much ways as well.
Rebecca [00:20:42]: But I always let, I, I didn’t buy toys for them. I would let them pick out toys. They just never picked out cars or whatever. But all of the kids in their lives were boys. So when we went to your house, they played with boy toys. They never cared.
Erin [00:20:56]: Right.
Rebecca [00:20:56]: But when it came to our house, they never picked those. Right. But I never, it was never conscious. So in that. Interesting.
Erin [00:21:01]: Yeah, it is interesting.
Rebecca [00:21:02]: Yeah.
Erin [00:21:03]: Anyway, I just think it’s. It’s fascinating that if you’re a millennial parent and you’re listening to the voices inside of your head or very, you know, verbally from your current parents, saying things to you like, why are you doing it like that? That’s not appropriate. You should be doing it different. Why are you allowing them to look this way in public? Did you see how they just responded?
Rebecca [00:21:25]: Right.
Erin [00:21:25]: Those, those types of things that I’m sure our listeners could give us a million other examples of things that are said that’s going to impact who you are at your core. Right. Because you’re tending to your own normal responses that you’re having to your parent. Again, that criticism. So my parents opinions on how I’m parenting, Carter, can come across as criticisms constantly for me, whether they really are or not, while I’m also fighting against that to say, this is how I wanna be as a parent. Here’s who I am as a mom. And so I have found this dynamic at play so clearly in my relationship with my parents that I have struggled with. Do I tell them that I’ve done this particular thing or are they gonna disapprove of that? Cause I don’t want my parents disapproval, but I also want to make sure that I’m still parenting the way that I wanna parent. Yeah, right.
Rebecca [00:22:24]: I had a great, I was telling you on the way here, I had a great conversation with my mom. I was telling her the topic we were going to talk about today and I said, you know, can we talk? Give me some examples for you. And she brought up just the concept of physically watching kids. And she said when she grew up, she grew up in a very, very, very small town where everybody knew everybody. And she said from the moment the sun came up to the moment the sun came down, you were outside. And she said because of that, you were on your bike, there was nobody calling anybody up. You just went to somebody’s house on your bike and you know, you hung out there till lunch and then somebody’s mom made you a sandwich. You didn’t have to ask your mom if you could have anything, whatever.
Erin [00:23:02]: Right?
Rebecca [00:23:03]: She goes, then I’m. Then I had my kids and we moved to a bigger neighborhood where it wasn’t a small town anymore. So now you had to call friends and make what we would call play dates, but you would drop your kid off.
Erin [00:23:15]: Yep.
Rebecca [00:23:15]: You didn’t stay there.
Erin [00:23:16]: Yep.
Rebecca [00:23:17]: She said, now your kids, you create these play dates, but you have to stay, stay with them because you don’t know these parents and you don’t know anything about them. She goes, it’s the world is so scary that you can’t even let your child stay out in the backyard on a trampoline. You need to be right there with them because you don’t know who might come in your backyard to steal them. And I’m sitting here thinking, I let my kids stay in the backyard, I’m doing dishes, I’m doing laundry, I’m not watching her. And here my mom is saying I would, you know, as the grandparent and if she knew I let my 10 year old go to the bathroom at the mall by herself, she would lose her mind.
Erin [00:23:59]: Yep. Yep.
Rebecca [00:24:01]: Lose her mind.
Erin [00:24:01]: Yep. Absolutely. And, and I think what this brings up is this, this concept of how difficult it is to be a parent anyway right now. All of the different changing social expectations. Social media is a part of the game. Kids have cell phones now.
Rebecca [00:24:18]: Oh, don’t get me started.
Erin [00:24:20]: So. So many different parts of parenting. I’m not saying that it’s, oh, so much harder to be a parent right now because there were other challenges that were happening for our boomers parents. Right.
Rebecca [00:24:30]: The world is always changing.
Erin [00:24:31]: But when I’ve said very clearly to my parents, I want you to know that it’s different and that I’m doing the best that I possibly can to parent in this environment. And my parents still want me to parent like they did when they were boomers. Really, the only thing that comes about with that is I feel shame and guilt. I feel like I’m a terrible parent. I feel like I’m not doing something right.
Rebecca [00:24:52]: Right.
Erin [00:24:53]: Which then is upsetting. I feel like I’m, again, getting disapproval from my parents. And in addition to that, I’m really trying to be an advocate for my son in the way that I think he needs to be parented.
Rebecca [00:25:04]: Yeah.
Erin [00:25:05]: That being in the in between of that is really challenging to navigate.
Rebecca [00:25:10]: Yeah.
Erin [00:25:10]: And I would really love to hear from our listeners if they can relate with this. Is this. Is this just happening at my house? No. Like, is this just something that. But. But why. We came up with this as a topic. I don’t think people are talking about this.
Rebecca [00:25:23]: Probably not. Or if they are, it’s. It’s not.
Erin [00:25:26]: I’m not loud enough in my. In my circles.
Rebecca [00:25:29]: Yeah.
Erin [00:25:29]: And a part of that, I think, is this shame and guilt that we feel sure of. I don’t want to out my parents. You know, I don’t want to say that John and Ellen are rude and mean and whatever. And actually, my parents are some of the most kind human beings you’re ever gonna meet.
Rebecca [00:25:46]: Oh, yeah. Has nothing to do with rude and.
Erin [00:25:47]: Me, but there are ways in which I am harmed by their parenting style continuing to be projected on me as their child. This is part of the conversation I had with my dad, the really beautiful conversation that ended with him saying, I’m gonna have opinions about a lot of stuff. Why can’t you just toss it to the side and say, he’s just an old man. Why do I need to care? And I said, I don’t think that’s a fair statement to make. You’re my dad.
Rebecca [00:26:14]: Yeah. Yeah.
Erin [00:26:15]: And that’s, again, getting to these biological underpinnings, like, you’ll always be my dad.
Rebecca [00:26:20]: Right.
Erin [00:26:20]: I said, do you remember when grandma was in a place where she. She was, like, fricking 85 years old. Right. And my dad showed up late to go get her for lunch. And she was not happy about it. I said, you were 60 something years old, dad. Remember how that felt? That’s what happens. That’s a biological response. Response to your parent at all times. You don’t know that even when you continue to parent young adults.
Rebecca [00:26:45]: Right.
Erin [00:26:45]: You still have massive influence over how they feel and trying to find a way to connect with them, which is getting us into our third.
Rebecca [00:26:54]: I was gonna say. So how do we break that cycle? And I think part of that is having the conversations. I think it’s. It’s talking to our parents and saying in the moment, hey, hey, red flag here.
Erin [00:27:06]: That’s right.
Rebecca [00:27:06]: You know, you. Your words impact me.
Erin [00:27:09]: Let’s.
Rebecca [00:27:10]: Let’s talk about. I want to remind you that this is how I want to raise our kid. And I respect your feelings and I understand your feelings. However, please, please know that I take your thoughts into consideration. I do all of that. And we’ve had the conversation with the kids and blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, whatever it may need to be. Oh, yeah, I’ve said things.
Erin [00:27:27]: Let me tell you what this sounds like in my house, and I’m very clear. My house is not a normal house. We got two teachers. A therapist is just a little crazy sometimes. Some of these things sound like this. I really appreciate how much you care about Carter. And also I need the freedom to be able to parent him in the way that feels best to me. I understand that you might not agree with what that parenting looks like, and I’d like to encourage you to talk to dad or your other boomer friends about what that looks like, but I’d really like you to keep that as far away from me as possible, because it impacts me. Right. It impacts me a lot.
Rebecca [00:28:05]: Yeah.
Erin [00:28:05]: I’ve said things like, I need you to know that when I’ve asked you to do something and I’ve set a boundary on something and you continue to do it because you still think it’s best. It makes me feel like you think your parenting style is better than mine. And my mom has been floored by me saying some of these things because she’ll come right out and say, no, I think you’re a wonderful mom. No, I think you’re really great. And I’ll say, your actions toward me do not always imply that for me. And I need you to know how it’s impacting me. And as someone, like, for instance, when I do go take a cruise or go on a vacation, and I hear you huffing and puffing, and I notice you’re having a Reaction because that either impacts you or you don’t like that I’ve made that decision. I need you to know that that impacts me at a really great level. And so what I’m going to do in the future is lie to you about where I’m going because I’m not going to be honest with you if. If the response I’m going to get is shame and guilt that I’m feeling is hurting and it hurts me. And our Right. So having those conversations is definitely an important first step. If you are able to have those conversations.
Rebecca [00:29:07]: Yeah.
Erin [00:29:08]: Then challenging these negative internalized messages is another thing. So making sure that when something comes up, I have to ask myself, is that me or is that my parents speaking? And I understand that I need to care because I do about many people’s opinions about what my parents opinions are. But I also want to make sure that I am first prioritizing what myself or what me and my husband have decided is the course for our child. So how do I change those internalized messages? For me, it’s something as simple as saying, is that Aaron speaking or is that John speaking? And if it’s John speaking, then acknowledging that that’s what it is and saying, what would Aaron do in this situation?
Rebecca [00:29:49]: Yes.
Erin [00:29:50]: It’s done a number on my self esteem, honestly, being a part of this type of dynamic. And mine’s a little more in my face, like I said, because I live with it every single day. It might be a little easier for you to just hang up the phone and be like, okay, whatever I’m still gonna do, going to do. Right. But to say that it doesn’t impact you. Right. Is a lie. Right.
Rebecca [00:30:08]: Of course.
Erin [00:30:08]: And impacting other people is a lie. But just really questioning those internalized images or, or messages that we’re giving ourselves.
Rebecca [00:30:17]: Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Well, I mean this is a great, this was a great episode and I’m really excited because in our next episode you actually alluded to it.
Erin [00:30:28]: Oh.
Rebecca [00:30:28]: Because what’s our next topic?
Erin [00:30:30]: Mom guilt.
Rebecca [00:30:31]: Yeah. And you brought up up a great topic. Going on girls vacations. And I, I mean I know my mom never. My mom had friends, but she definitely did not go on a vacation.
Erin [00:30:44]: Going on a cruise and leaving with the grandparents.
Rebecca [00:30:46]: Definitely.
Erin [00:30:47]: For sure.
Rebecca [00:30:47]: Definitely.
Erin [00:30:48]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:30:48]: So I’m really excited to talk about that.
Erin [00:30:50]: Stick on for our next episode when it comes to mom Guild. But yeah.
Rebecca [00:30:54]: Do you have an affirmation card?
Erin [00:30:55]: Yes, I do. And I’m hoping that people will chat with us in our Facebook group. What a quiet, adorable group. Of people. They all just like a little lurkers. They’re little voyeurs in the background and they’re. I wonder if Scott’s gonna post something. So. Yeah, please. You know.
Rebecca [00:31:10]: You know what? You know what? It’s almost time for Scott to open his pool.
Erin [00:31:14]: Oh, Scott by 3000 coming at you to clean the pool near you.
Scott [00:31:23]: Yeah, that’s a lot of work.
Erin [00:31:26]: I do have an affirmation card. Oh, this is a good one too, you guys. New season, new affirmation card. Just want to show you. Well, mind mint over here.
Rebecca [00:31:37]: Love it.
Erin [00:31:37]: Big time recommendation. Today I choose joy over fear. Oh, fear of my parents. Expectations, peace, and intuition. When you encounter a situation that triggers fear or anxiety, like living with your parents, pause and take into pause and take an expansive breath into your belly. Reflect on something that brings you joy. Whether it’s a happy memory with a loved one or a favorite activity. Allow this positive thought to shift your perspective. Peace and intuition. So join us next time for our next episode of the More Love Podcast. This isn’t great that this sits like this. This is annoying. What if this caught on fire because of the incense? There we go. It was just backwards.
Rebecca [00:32:24]: It was just backwards.
Erin [00:32:25]: On the next episode of the More Love podcast. So until next time, keep feed healing.
Rebecca [00:32:30]: Keep questioning, and keep spreading more love.
