Erin [00:00:00]: Foreign. So quick recap. I’ve been held to the word quick here. So this is what you do about the last time. If you did not watch our season opener of the More Love podcast, you’re going to want to hit that back up before you watched this episode. So that was about the biological weight of parenting where we talked about generational differences, how your parents voices are in your head, how is it continuing to impact who you are today and what we’re gonna do about it. You also called me a boomer, but it was only because of your quasi outdated thinking on some things. Okay, it’s fine.
Rebecca [00:00:52]: That’s more me. I’m really more of a boomer.
Erin [00:00:54]: You’re massive boomer.
Rebecca [00:00:55]: I know. I really am.
Erin [00:00:57]: It’s true.
Rebecca [00:00:57]: It’s true. I identify as a boome.
Erin [00:01:02]: But at the end of our last episode, what we did was we started to get into this measly little topic that some of you may know a little something about. Do we still have the. The sounds for this, for this season, Scott? There it is. Mom guilt. Mom, mom guilt. Mom guilt. So today, in today’s episode, we are going to talk about what is mom guilt, where the heck does it come from? How do we call BS on it? And essentially what do we do about it? How do we reframe mom guilt into something that’s much more productive?
Rebecca [00:01:39]: And as usual, we start start with the hippie boo and what we did tease a little bit in the last episode about some of the guilt you feel that, you know, we go on trips a lot, you and I specifically. And so the card that we that I picked was the eight of wands, which is called travel, ironically. But I don’t know if it’s really about travel, which is funny. It’s the seahorse with the eight wands.
Erin [00:02:04]: Okay.
Rebecca [00:02:05]: And so the meaning is travel. It says all aspects of your life, from love to family work to creative projects, speed up under the influence of this eight. Delays are done with as decisions are made, words turn into actions. Projects and travel plans fire up and you find yourself finding more calls, emails, social engagements and meetings than ever before. This is an exciting, if bewildering time when everything happens all at once, you’ll be in constant demand.
Erin [00:02:35]: That’s what happens when you get rid of the mom guilt. I mean, travel all the time. That’s what’s about to happen.
Rebecca [00:02:41]: Take a breath before saying yes to all offers. Choose carefully and you won’t waste energy or time running in circles. So that’s what’s interesting because that also does create mom guilt.
Erin [00:02:51]: What? The traveling and the being away and being constantly in demand, not just necessarily.
Rebecca [00:02:55]: Traveling, but saying yes to everything and doing all of the things that you personally want to do and accomplish that you. You know, it takes away from being a mom. And I’ve said numerous times that it’s hard to have it all. It’s hard to be the mom you want to be, but then also fulfill yourself and do all the things that you want to do as a person, have all the hobbies and, you know, pursue your career and be the wife you want to be and be the, you know, involved in your community and be the best friend you want to be. It’s really hard to check all of those. All of those boxes to the 100% level you want it to be at.
Erin [00:03:30]: We’re not unidimensional.
Rebecca [00:03:31]: We are not.
Erin [00:03:31]: We’re not just one thing. Right. Which really does tie into the last episode, Excuse me. Session that we had, where we were talking a little bit about how the transition between boomers and millennials is that when we did have more boomer mentality, they were a little bit more unidimensional.
Rebecca [00:03:48]: Yeah, that’s right.
Erin [00:03:48]: I would beg to say they weren’t, but they were forced into that. My mom is more than just a mom.
Rebecca [00:03:54]: Oh, absolutely.
Erin [00:03:54]: She wasn’t given the opportunities to figure out what that is.
Rebecca [00:03:57]: Right, right.
Erin [00:03:58]: And what she really loved to do and what brought her passion and those types of things. But we, as we moved into this more millennial parenting type, very much have taken on an exorbitant amount of mom guilt. So let’s define mom guilt so that we’re at least all on the same page.
Rebecca [00:04:17]: I want to say one more thing to what you had said about your mom being more than being just a mom. What I realized or whether it’s true or not, when I think back, my mom pursued a lot of her passions, incorporating us, so she would join different things that also allowed for her children to get involved in that. So that was. You know, we were heavily involved in a lot of things as a family growing up. And so I think that fulfilled her in a lot of ways, but also allowed her to be a parent at the same time. So that was. That was kind of cool.
Erin [00:04:53]: I’m thinking about my mom, and I think she really took up stained glass much, much later on in life, and she was quite good at it.
Scott [00:05:00]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:05:00]: Artistic.
Erin [00:05:01]: And she’s always been very artistic. Right. And I just think to myself, now she will do paintings. She will go out in the yard, literally in the backyard in the middle of summer. And she’ll paint our house. Right. She’s always been really artistic. Never did I see her doing any.
Rebecca [00:05:17]: Of that when I was growing up.
Erin [00:05:19]: And so it just makes me wonder, like, if, if she was allowed to have multi dimensions of her personality or really like, exploit those in some ways.
Rebecca [00:05:28]: Who would she be?
Erin [00:05:30]: And I see her coming into her own now. And sometimes it makes me feel sad that she didn’t have the opportunity or didn’t allow herself or societally didn’t give her the opportunity to do those types.
Rebecca [00:05:40]: Of things back in the day.
Erin [00:05:41]: We’re making up for it now, though. Millennials, we sure are, myself included.
Rebecca [00:05:45]: Oh, my gosh. Well, speaking of, let me give a really quick background about the generational differences. If you didn’t, you know, hear our episode last time. So the boomers were specifically talking about our particular parents and then us, our generation. So the boomers, in terms of their parenting, they specifically were parenting in terms of doing hands on guidance or taught their children to follow the correct path. They taught their children to do the right thing or there was a right way to do things, they very much would have conditional love. And that love was earned. So you needed to do the right thing to be loved. And then Aaron coined this term martyrism. So this was their primary role. This was mom’s primary role as, as they were parenting.
Erin [00:06:38]: If I coined the term martyrism, I need to be making a ton that I’m making right now.
Scott [00:06:43]: That’s right.
Rebecca [00:06:44]: So then millennials, this is, this is Aaron and I and, you know, a lot of our listeners. So these, the way that we’re parenting generally, not necessarily, you know, Aaron and I, but this is generally how millennials are parenting. We teach our kids to foster independence and teach them to be resilient. We ex, we teach them to explore their individual identities and their individual passions. We are very much unconditional love. We don’t, you know, teach our children to that love is earned. And we as moms very much prioritize self care. We are more than just moms. We are not martyrs in a lot of ways. And, but at the same time, that doesn’t mean we don’t have mom guilt. So.
Erin [00:07:33]: Right. So, so let’s hop into this topic of mom guilt, starting with defining what mom guilt is. So mom guilt is defined as the constant feeling that you’re not doing enough, particularly as a mom. So in your stereotypical expectations of what a mom is, you’re not doing enough or being enough. Showing up enough, being present enough for your children. This happens to come about through societal conditioning and our own internal and innate feelings of who we are supposed to be as a nurturer, as someone who cares deeply, as someone who guides our children toward the right light. Right. So we have these pressures of social conditioning. You’ll hear us talk a little bit about the social media influence of mom guilt and how you hear the term Pinterest mom. Right? The. The mom who’s pulling together the most adorable Valentine’s craft you could possibly think about, and you’re over here buying some.
Rebecca [00:08:43]: Pretzels, just hoping that I’m definitely the princess Pinterest mom.
Erin [00:08:47]: Right.
Rebecca [00:08:48]: It’s true.
Erin [00:08:49]: I’m very aware. Very aware. So you’re going to hear about societal conditioning and some of the ways that social media plays their loop. A loop. A loop.
Rebecca [00:08:57]: Yes, a loop.
Erin [00:08:58]: A loop. It is a roll. There is a role that is on loop. Yeah. Um, and then the damned if you do, damned if you don’t trap. So are you a working mom? Are you a working stay at home mom? Are you a CEO, business owner mom? Do you have a nanny? Are you someone who’s trying to prioritize yourself as a human being outside of your identity as a mom? Or are you someone who’s full time, all in mom? And how do we each feel about all of those roles? And really, how we feel about those roles is an extension of how we feel about ourselves and what we ourselves are doing in those types of roles. Right. So you have the, you have the, the moms who work outside of the home, who look at the stay at home moms and maybe think, oh my gosh, if that’s what I had to do day in and day out was just manage the actual chores and the home and the travel and all of that. Kind of like Brandon Schwartz practice and the grocery shopping and all of that. That does seem like a full time job. And I wish that that was all I had to do. Right. And then you might have the moms who stay at home, who look at the moms who work outside the home and maybe thinking, I wish that I got to get out of this house for a little while and go do something else or make an impact in some other way. Right. And how there’s this infighting that sometimes happen that isn’t typically externally fueled, but it’s more of like an internal feeling about how we are or how other people are that contributes to this sense of mom guilt. So essentially, mom guilt is this feeling that you’re not Doing enough or you’re not enough when you are a mom.
Rebecca [00:10:39]: That’s really interesting because I’ve shared with you before that I don’t experience mom guilt at all. And I think you just clarified it for me because I was like, when I say things like I am the Pinterest mom. I do those things only because I enjoy them. It’s not because I feel like I have to. It’s not because I want to one up somebody. It’s not because I want my kid to look better. I just actually, I love crafting and I love being creative and that’s what I want to do. And I actually had the time to do it. If I didn’t, I would absolutely be perfectly fine going to the store and getting those dumb paper $1 Valentine’s and be just as happy given those two.
Erin [00:11:29]: Would you?
Scott [00:11:29]: Yes.
Erin [00:11:30]: Would you?
Rebecca [00:11:30]: If I did? Again, it comes down to my calendar and my time.
Erin [00:11:35]: So.
Scott [00:11:35]: Yes.
Erin [00:11:36]: So this is a. I know you.
Rebecca [00:11:38]: Don’T think I would.
Erin [00:11:39]: I know because I do. Of mom guilt. I will never forget the time.
Rebecca [00:11:43]: Stop it.
Erin [00:11:44]: You know exactly what I’m gonna say.
Rebecca [00:11:45]: Are you bringing up the glitter in the Walmart?
Erin [00:11:47]: Oh, no. But that was a good one too. I’m bringing up the time that in your kids. I don’t even know what age they were. For Valentine’s Day, I called you and you had purchased this Alphabet cereal that you were hot glue gunning onto frickin spoons that for each of the individual kids in the class and gave them a box of cereal. I don’t even know what was going on, you guys.
Rebecca [00:12:10]: So it was quickly too.
Erin [00:12:13]: I bought much.
Rebecca [00:12:14]: I bought individual, you know, those individual boxes of cereal.
Erin [00:12:17]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:12:17]: And then I bought plastic spoons and I bought those beads.
Erin [00:12:20]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:12:21]: With the individual name, individual letters on them.
Erin [00:12:23]: Yeah. And I hot glued every student in the class’s name on the spoon onto.
Rebecca [00:12:30]: The spoon and then attached it to the box.
Erin [00:12:32]: Okay, guys, I can’t.
Rebecca [00:12:34]: That was just one year.
Erin [00:12:35]: I can’t make her achiever. But that it wasn’t on. That’s just crime example. So you might have had the time.
Rebecca [00:12:41]: I did.
Erin [00:12:42]: You might have had the ability. You might have had the desire to.
Rebecca [00:12:45]: Craft just for fun. That was not.
Erin [00:12:47]: That might be just. You’re thinking to yourself, oh my God, this is so great. And that motivation does feel different. Right. Because if you’re like me, but I.
Rebecca [00:12:55]: But I have owned an event planning company, like that’s just who I am.
Erin [00:12:59]: But this is what I’m trying to explain about mom Guilt.
Scott [00:13:02]: Right.
Erin [00:13:02]: So then you call me.
Scott [00:13:03]: Right?
Erin [00:13:03]: And you say, what are you doing for Valentine’s Day for Carter? And I say, I bought the $1 great shit. That you shove in the envelope.
Scott [00:13:12]: Yeah.
Erin [00:13:13]: And we’re going to be lucky if I can find the class list to write the name on the outside of the envelopes. And what did you say to me?
Rebecca [00:13:20]: I know.
Erin [00:13:21]: I know. What did you say to me? You did not say in that moment.
Scott [00:13:23]: I know.
Erin [00:13:24]: Good for you. Dollar Store.
Rebecca [00:13:25]: I know.
Erin [00:13:26]: Good for you. I’m so happy I can bust your balls. In fact, what you said to me was. I know. I’m pretty sure you’re not letting him go to school like that. Are you serious?
Scott [00:13:34]: I know.
Rebecca [00:13:34]: And then I’m pretty sure I came up with something and told you what?
Erin [00:13:36]: I’m going to tell you exactly what you came up with.
Rebecca [00:13:38]: I know.
Erin [00:13:38]: You said, go to the store right now.
Scott [00:13:41]: I know.
Erin [00:13:41]: And you go get yourself one of those individual bag boxes of Teddy Grahams.
Scott [00:13:46]: I know.
Erin [00:13:47]: I can’t stand you. This. I can’t stand you. This episode’s no longer about mom guilt. This is about all the ways that I have been shamed. Shamed into feeling. This is exactly where mom guilt comes from. You said you go to the store and you buy individual boxes of Teddy Graham. Teddy Grahams. And then you’re going to make these stupid ass tags that go on the site. I can’t even remember for the life of me. I did what it said.
Rebecca [00:14:12]: I remember the telegrams.
Erin [00:14:14]: I came up with the saying, here’s the bear hug.
Scott [00:14:16]: For real.
Erin [00:14:18]: Some stupid.
Scott [00:14:19]: I know.
Erin [00:14:20]: Like. I know. What did I do?
Rebecca [00:14:22]: You did it.
Erin [00:14:22]: You want to talk about. I had. I had the Dollar Store ready to go to my kids and was I fine with it? I was. I was happy with who I was a mom.
Rebecca [00:14:32]: I know.
Erin [00:14:32]: I was happy who I was in that moment. And that wasn’t okay with little miss over here.
Rebecca [00:14:36]: I know.
Erin [00:14:37]: And so what did I do?
Rebecca [00:14:38]: I know. You did it.
Erin [00:14:38]: My ass went to Wegmans.
Rebecca [00:14:40]: I know.
Erin [00:14:40]: And got individual.
Rebecca [00:14:42]: I’m pretty sure I made the hang tags for you. You just had to print them out.
Erin [00:14:45]: You did.
Scott [00:14:46]: Yeah.
Erin [00:14:46]: You even cut them into stupid heart shapes.
Scott [00:14:48]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:14:49]: I’m pretty sure my ass went to.
Erin [00:14:50]: Wegmans and bought these stupid ass Teddy Graham. Let’s see. That’s how we’re a team.
Rebecca [00:14:54]: I did the work for you. You just had to go pick them up.
Erin [00:14:56]: You guys, this is gaslighting. When she said that we are a team, that is not exactly what happened. All right, so anyway, this is a prime example of what happens with mom guilt. So you say I don’t experience mom guilt. No, I just don’t experience what you should be doing. Because everything related to being the crafty mom and the mom who’s doing all the Pinterest and whatever is well within your wheelhouse.
Rebecca [00:15:19]: That’s true.
Erin [00:15:20]: Those of us who couldn’t care less, who were fine in our own zone, then got guilted into buying the Teddy.
Rebecca [00:15:27]: Graham just because I enjoy it. I should have just done it for you.
Erin [00:15:29]: And now I’m going to tell you the school where you did experience mom guilt.
Scott [00:15:33]: What?
Erin [00:15:34]: The time that we had to go travel somewhere. And your response was, I don’t know if I can go. And I said, why? And you said, taylor has a fricking modified soccer practice for two hours.
Rebecca [00:15:53]: But that wasn’t mom guilt. That’s just cause I wanted to go to that.
Erin [00:15:55]: No, no. This is why you don’t understand the concept of mom guilt. The mom guilt you were experiencing in that moment is. I don’t wanna miss.
Rebecca [00:16:04]: Yeah.
Erin [00:16:05]: Modified two hour practice. Right. For my kid. We’re not talking the prom. We’re not talking like playoffs. We’re talking some practice.
Rebecca [00:16:12]: So I was choosing the practice over going with you.
Erin [00:16:14]: Yes. And so.
Rebecca [00:16:16]: But that’s not mom guilt.
Erin [00:16:17]: That’s. You didn’t do that. You went on the trip. Oh, so then I justified time. You were talking about. Oh, Taylor’s are practice right now. Whatever. That is a prime example of mom go. Okay, I need you to identify with it so we can carry on with the rest of the episode. Because.
Rebecca [00:16:32]: Because we’re at.
Erin [00:16:33]: I need you to know.
Rebecca [00:16:34]: Okay.
Erin [00:16:35]: What we’re talk.
Scott [00:16:35]: Got it.
Erin [00:16:36]: Here. Got it. So that is mom guilt. Where does it come from? Well, it comes from your best friend telling you to go buy some damn Teddy Grahams. That’s where it comes from. So it comes from society’s unsolicited opinions. Did you hear me say unsolicited? Because that part is incredibly important. You’re right. Good moms do this. Good moms breastfeed. Good moms only give themselves give their children organic baby food that they’ve mixed up from the frickin. Whatever those baby Bijorn things are. Ew. Good moms are a part of the pta. No, Good moms are terrible. Right. And so you have these unsolicited opinions on what a good mom is. And then if you are not one of those moms who’s falling in line, it can create this Discrepancy between what society is telling you you’re supposed to be doing versus who you are or what you are as a mom. Generational guilt. So related back to what we talked about last time. So what our moms felt guilty about versus what we feel guilty about are very different things.
Rebecca [00:17:38]: So, so how, how do we call BS on mom guilds? Because I’m very clear how we’re going to call bs. I remember.
Erin [00:17:45]: What is it? How are we. We’re going to stop answering the phone when you call?
Rebecca [00:17:48]: Well, yes, you absolutely can do that. But I remember very distinctly that you brought up breastfeeding. And I decided very early on I was not going to breastfeed. And I remember walking into the hospital and making it very clear that no one in that room was going to bring it up. No one was going to make me feel bad about it. And they, they respected my wishes and that was the end of it.
Erin [00:18:10]: So I think you bring up something really important related to the bs. How do we call BS on mom guilt? And that is a lot of my mom guilt. I’ve been thinking a lot about this since I knew we were gonna talk about it. When I feel mom guilt, it is not necessarily because I myself feel bad for what I’m doing. It’s not. I love being a CEO of my business. I love making money for my family. I love being able to be the one who says I’m not planning the vacations, but I will fund the vacations. Yes. That is a role that I really love to play. I love going on girls trips and just recharging my batteries. That doesn’t feel bad to me in any way, shape or form.
Rebecca [00:18:49]: No.
Erin [00:18:50]: What happens for me is that when whether it’s the societal pressure or for me, it’s less than society. It’s more. My close friend group starts to imply, including my own mother starts to imply that something I am doing is not appropriate, well regarded in my son’s best interest, that I feel really unseen and that that’s when I start to feel it’s, it’s mom guilt, but it’s also this shame that I feel for the person that I am creating or trying to help, you know, build into a successful human being. So like I mentioned, I am fine just like you are with staying in my lane with, let’s use the example of the dollar store Valentine’s. That’s fine with me. I actually have reset the bar. I feel like that’s my capacity. I’m totally fine.
Rebecca [00:19:44]: Absolutely.
Erin [00:19:45]: And if I go to my wine Club, and everyone in wine club is doing something completely different. I’m still fine with that. Right. But my mom guilt tends to center around time and attention. So when my son and my husband and I are all in the house together, we are rather introverted and all like to have our own time to ourself. It is not uncommon for Mark to be in the basement, Carter to be in the middle level, and for me to be upstairs. And we all just sort of are recharging our batteries. Right. But I will notice myself being like, I’ve not checked on Carter enough. I need to go downstairs. Or I will notice myself saying, oh, you know, you’ve worked so much today, you really need to sit with Carter on the couch. That’s not necessarily because Carter wants me to sit with him on the couch. It’s because I’m feeling that pressure to do those things because my mom, for instance, in the back of my mind, again, related to session number one, is like having this constant dialogue about, well, did you make him dinner? Did you do this? Did you do that? Right. And so in order to call BS on some of what I’m experiencing it, one of the things I have to do is reframe it. So guilt is often just a sign that you care, not that you’re failing in some way, and then getting right with what you genuinely care about. Putting yourself in this Golden Globe where you’re like, now, I cannot be bothered by the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of everyone around me. Justification is important for me. I can justify why I’m doing what I’m doing right now. But most important for me was being able to call out and name why other people were making me feel guilty.
Rebecca [00:21:30]: Yeah.
Erin [00:21:31]: And to say to them, I need you to know you’re making me feel incredibly guilty. Now, we joked in the beginning about the story about. About the Teddy Grahams. I very well have said to you, you’re making me feel like a really shitty mom.
Scott [00:21:41]: Right.
Erin [00:21:42]: And you would have been like, totally fine, not a problem. What’s your credit card? I’m going to go do it for you and I’m going to drop it off at your house. Right, Right. Or fine, Or I don’t want to do that. I don’t feel that way.
Rebecca [00:21:51]: Right, Absolutely.
Erin [00:21:52]: So part of calling BS on mom guilt is reframing it. Yeah. Another tactic is what would you say to a friend? Right. This is so true in so many areas of our life. So if someone were to call me, I’m thinking, Kelly up the street, or just, I feel like a really bad mom right now because of whatever. I know exactly what I would say to her. You’re a phenomenal mom. You’re a kick ass mom. Right. You’ doing all of the things right. I know you might feel like this, but you know, we can’t do all.
Rebecca [00:22:15]: Things at all times.
Erin [00:22:16]: Right? Screw them. Do you realize? And then I’d come up with 16 different ways that she was a phenomenal mom and the tiniest little things that she had done every single day. Right?
Rebecca [00:22:24]: That’s right.
Erin [00:22:25]: But what would you say to a friend? And then how are you going to reinterpret that for yourself as well? What would a friend say to you?
Scott [00:22:31]: Yep.
Erin [00:22:32]: Yep. What actually matters?
Rebecca [00:22:34]: That’s, I think, love the biggest, that no one cares.
Erin [00:22:38]: Nobody cares.
Rebecca [00:22:38]: That’s right.
Erin [00:22:39]: How often do I say that?
Rebecca [00:22:40]: That’s right.
Erin [00:22:40]: Nobody cares.
Rebecca [00:22:41]: That’s right.
Erin [00:22:41]: So the what actually matters test. So separating your real concerns from the made up concerns that you’re coming up in your mind, there’s plenty of made up concerns. There’s plenty of stories that we tell ourselves about what people are thinking or how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking about, what something looks like or whatever.
Rebecca [00:22:58]: And even if they are, who cares?
Erin [00:23:00]: Right.
Rebecca [00:23:00]: Who cares?
Erin [00:23:01]: So does it really matter? No. Right. Does it really matter that you decided to not go to one practice because you needed to recharge your own batteries?
Rebecca [00:23:10]: The reality is they’re thinking that because they’re so jealous that they want to be able to do it too.
Erin [00:23:18]: So you’re recharging their batteries.
Rebecca [00:23:20]: The reality.
Erin [00:23:21]: Interesting.
Rebecca [00:23:21]: The reality is, here’s a great example. How come your kids can take a nap anywhere at any time when my kids have to go home and sleep in their bed? The answer is you trained them that way. The answer is I trained my kids to do what I need them to do around my lifestyle.
Erin [00:23:44]: And so you’re saying some of that mom guilt comes from. I wish I had done that with judgment.
Rebecca [00:23:48]: Some of the judgment comes from that.
Scott [00:23:50]: Yes.
Erin [00:23:51]: Which I think is another way to call BS on mom guilt. I think it’s okay to call those things out 100%. Right.
Rebecca [00:23:57]: It’s got to be a self reflective process too, right?
Scott [00:24:00]: Yeah. Yeah.
Erin [00:24:00]: Right. And then it’s okay to call those things out by saying things like I’m. What I’m hearing you say is, I’m just curious, when you say that, did you. Well, did you ever. Right. And so just finding a way to reframe and band together as moms, being mindful of what you’re saying how you’re saying it, what you’re questioning. Right. That knowing that many of us moms are silently suffering inside, thinking that we’re doing a really shitty job when we’re all really hitting it out of the park in many ways, if you think of all the things that we’re trying to juggle and just know that the mom that you’re talking to, you could never say something that’s going to be more harsh than she’s probably telling herself.
Scott [00:24:42]: That’s right.
Rebecca [00:24:43]: That’s right.
Erin [00:24:44]: And then the final way we came up with with how to call BS on mom guilt is funny Mom Guilt Confessions. I love the example that we came up with, which was I gave my kids cereal for dinner and he totally survived. That’s right. And then when we were talking about it, we were like, let me tell you, eight other things.
Scott [00:24:59]: Right.
Erin [00:25:00]: That were probably a million times worse than that, that we could have said.
Rebecca [00:25:03]: Oh, so all the time, but all.
Erin [00:25:04]: The time about it being like, hey, guys, you know, I sometimes I forgot to pick my kid up from school today, and guess what? Sometimes teachers took care of it and I came a little bit later.
Rebecca [00:25:14]: And sometimes they’re great memories.
Erin [00:25:15]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:25:16]: Turn them into great memories.
Erin [00:25:17]: On social media, there’s whole forums of, like, why I’m a worse mom.
Scott [00:25:21]: Right.
Erin [00:25:23]: Which is quite hilarious. Right. And so finding ways to connect yourself with just funny stories of reminders that it really just doesn’t matter. We really do interact with you and.
Rebecca [00:25:35]: Find yourself a group of friends where you can share these things with each other and, you know, get on the same page. That show Working Moms. If you haven’t watched it, watch it. It’s one of my favorite shows, really. It is great. It’s this, you know.
Erin [00:25:47]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:25:48]: They’re. They’re great moms and terrible moms all at the same time. And it is the best show.
Erin [00:25:53]: And you can totally relate and identify. Right.
Rebecca [00:25:55]: 100%. It’s great.
Erin [00:25:56]: But I think. I think maybe one of the biggest takeaways for this particular session is we need to start redefining what it means to be a good mom.
Rebecca [00:26:05]: A hundred percent.
Scott [00:26:05]: Yeah.
Erin [00:26:06]: So related to the concept of generational differences, what we grew up with, what our expectations were as a child when our moms were momming versus when we’re momming now. I think we’re a little lost in this idea of what it really means to be a good mom.
Rebecca [00:26:27]: Yeah.
Erin [00:26:28]: And so if I were to say to you, if these three things were true, you would say you were really hitting it. Out of the park. As a mom, what would your three things be right now? Yeah.
Rebecca [00:26:39]: I would say that my children are very resilient.
Erin [00:26:43]: Okay.
Rebecca [00:26:44]: I would say that my children are very intuitive, responsible, and socialized.
Erin [00:26:53]: And if those things were true, then you would say whatever details look like for me as a mom, whether I do the Valentine’s, you know, cards or whatever, as long as those things are true, I feel like I’m really hitting it out of the park. I must be doing something right.
Scott [00:27:10]: Yeah.
Erin [00:27:11]: Yeah. And I think maybe that’s what’s important when we redefine, what does it mean to be a good mom? If you had to get back to basics, if you had to say, here’s the three things that I need my child or children to be able to do successfully, and am I doing activities? Am I giving time? Am I valuing the things that are associated with those three main concepts? Maybe that’s enough.
Rebecca [00:27:39]: Those always come first. That extra stuff. That’s a low priority.
Erin [00:27:45]: Yeah, those.
Scott [00:27:46]: Yeah.
Erin [00:27:47]: But by doing that, by acknowledging that, and you’ve always spoke this work. Your values.
Rebecca [00:27:51]: That’s right.
Erin [00:27:52]: What are your values? Put them in order. And everything that you do should be surrounded by that. But if we redefine that as moms and if we say, here’s my three main things, I want them to do, everything else is in the details. I think that gives us permission to be imperfect. I think that allows us to lead more into our intuition as moms and to sort of trust our own gut instinct of what our children need. And it allows us to sort of take action on different aspects of our life that may or may not be fitting. So, for instance, if. If me going to my son’s basketball practice is not necessarily adding to those three main points, I may be more apt to give myself permission to not have to do those things or have to go to that specific basketball practice, because I know I’m making up for it in the places where it really counts.
Rebecca [00:28:45]: Yes.
Erin [00:28:45]: Now add your partner into that conversation, and maybe he or she has three other things. If those six things are knockout parenting for the two of you, and that is what you are focusing and putting your values on, I just wonder how much of a difference that would make.
Rebecca [00:29:03]: 100%.
Erin [00:29:04]: Which brings us to our very first segment. Segment. A segment. So we have two segments this season, you guys. The first segment is called Straight to Voicemail. And straight to Voicemail is when you call us in at our Google number, which point your finger down, because you know that producer Joe, point your finger down. Is going to put it on the screen right here so that you can call in, you can talk about any topics that you want to talk about. And we will hopefully, hopefully choose you, if you’re not an asshat to be on the show and you’re, you’re straight to voicemail will come in. But our second segment, which is what we’re going to start today is called a heart hurdle. Stop it. More love. Little heart hurdle. And a heart hurdle is essentially our way of saying that we’re going to give you a challenge. And this challenge is something you have to do before our next episode. It is going to be small, it’s going to be bite sized. It’s going to be something that anyone can do. But it is something related to what we were talking about in the show that we would like you to try and get over the little heart hurdle by giving it a go. So I can think of two heart hurdles for this episode. The first would be, and I really loved the idea that Joe had for this call, a prominent mother or mother like figure in your life. Maybe it was your aunt, maybe it was your sister. Maybe it was someone else who could identify in some way, shape or form with being a mom. And ask her what type of mom guilt, mom related guilt she experienced. What was one thing that she experienced in a mom guilt way while she was going through this process? So ask her and then see what types of conversations unfold. The second heart hurdle that I would recommend. So you get to pick one of two. This just came up on the fly. Cause what can I say? I’m so spontaneous.
Rebecca [00:31:09]: I mean. Yeah, you are good at that was.
Erin [00:31:10]: Related to what we just talked about. What are your top three values? What are your top three values that if you were to say I’m nailing it in these particular categories. My child, as long as my child is able to do this, this and this, I feel really good about what I am giving to my child. What would those top three things be? And then pay attention over the course of the next week about how everything else feels rather insignificant and how you can let yourself off the hook for things that are not directly related to those top three values.
Rebecca [00:31:43]: That’s awesome.
Erin [00:31:44]: A heart hurdle, you guys. It’s a little heart just jumping over a hurdle and it’s like it’s making us so much better.
Rebecca [00:31:50]: That’s right.
Erin [00:31:51]: So that’s right.
Rebecca [00:31:52]: So we’re going to talk about next time.
Erin [00:31:54]: Next time we are going to talk about. New segment, you guys. New segment. Switching gears.
Rebecca [00:31:58]: Okay.
Erin [00:31:59]: Identity and self. Worth. Oh, Identity and self worth. So you’re going to want to hit us back up for our next sessions.
Rebecca [00:32:06]: Okay.
Erin [00:32:06]: I have an affirmation card pre picked.
Rebecca [00:32:09]: All right.
Erin [00:32:09]: Again, also adorable. Just like it was last week.
Rebecca [00:32:12]: All right.
Erin [00:32:13]: Self worth. On the front, it says I deserve to prioritize my well being. I swear to God.
Rebecca [00:32:19]: I know.
Erin [00:32:19]: How does this hippie voo craziness happen?
Rebecca [00:32:21]: Because it’s a. It’s the energy.
Erin [00:32:23]: I’m telling you, make self care a priority today. Do one thing just for your happiness, okay? Like a long bath, listening to your favorite music, going for a walk, or reading your favorite book.
Rebecca [00:32:36]: Oh, I love that.
Erin [00:32:38]: All right, fantastic. So we’ll see you next time. And until next time, keep feeling, keep questioning, and keep spreading more love. It.
Rebecca [00:00:52]: That’s more me. I’m really more of a boomer.
Erin [00:00:54]: You’re massive boomer.
Rebecca [00:00:55]: I know. I really am.
Erin [00:00:57]: It’s true.
Rebecca [00:00:57]: It’s true. I identify as a boome.
Erin [00:01:02]: But at the end of our last episode, what we did was we started to get into this measly little topic that some of you may know a little something about. Do we still have the. The sounds for this, for this season, Scott? There it is. Mom guilt. Mom, mom guilt. Mom guilt. So today, in today’s episode, we are going to talk about what is mom guilt, where the heck does it come from? How do we call BS on it? And essentially what do we do about it? How do we reframe mom guilt into something that’s much more productive?
Rebecca [00:01:39]: And as usual, we start start with the hippie boo and what we did tease a little bit in the last episode about some of the guilt you feel that, you know, we go on trips a lot, you and I specifically. And so the card that we that I picked was the eight of wands, which is called travel, ironically. But I don’t know if it’s really about travel, which is funny. It’s the seahorse with the eight wands.
Erin [00:02:04]: Okay.
Rebecca [00:02:05]: And so the meaning is travel. It says all aspects of your life, from love to family work to creative projects, speed up under the influence of this eight. Delays are done with as decisions are made, words turn into actions. Projects and travel plans fire up and you find yourself finding more calls, emails, social engagements and meetings than ever before. This is an exciting, if bewildering time when everything happens all at once, you’ll be in constant demand.
Erin [00:02:35]: That’s what happens when you get rid of the mom guilt. I mean, travel all the time. That’s what’s about to happen.
Rebecca [00:02:41]: Take a breath before saying yes to all offers. Choose carefully and you won’t waste energy or time running in circles. So that’s what’s interesting because that also does create mom guilt.
Erin [00:02:51]: What? The traveling and the being away and being constantly in demand, not just necessarily.
Rebecca [00:02:55]: Traveling, but saying yes to everything and doing all of the things that you personally want to do and accomplish that you. You know, it takes away from being a mom. And I’ve said numerous times that it’s hard to have it all. It’s hard to be the mom you want to be, but then also fulfill yourself and do all the things that you want to do as a person, have all the hobbies and, you know, pursue your career and be the wife you want to be and be the, you know, involved in your community and be the best friend you want to be. It’s really hard to check all of those. All of those boxes to the 100% level you want it to be at.
Erin [00:03:30]: We’re not unidimensional.
Rebecca [00:03:31]: We are not.
Erin [00:03:31]: We’re not just one thing. Right. Which really does tie into the last episode, Excuse me. Session that we had, where we were talking a little bit about how the transition between boomers and millennials is that when we did have more boomer mentality, they were a little bit more unidimensional.
Rebecca [00:03:48]: Yeah, that’s right.
Erin [00:03:48]: I would beg to say they weren’t, but they were forced into that. My mom is more than just a mom.
Rebecca [00:03:54]: Oh, absolutely.
Erin [00:03:54]: She wasn’t given the opportunities to figure out what that is.
Rebecca [00:03:57]: Right, right.
Erin [00:03:58]: And what she really loved to do and what brought her passion and those types of things. But we, as we moved into this more millennial parenting type, very much have taken on an exorbitant amount of mom guilt. So let’s define mom guilt so that we’re at least all on the same page.
Rebecca [00:04:17]: I want to say one more thing to what you had said about your mom being more than being just a mom. What I realized or whether it’s true or not, when I think back, my mom pursued a lot of her passions, incorporating us, so she would join different things that also allowed for her children to get involved in that. So that was. You know, we were heavily involved in a lot of things as a family growing up. And so I think that fulfilled her in a lot of ways, but also allowed her to be a parent at the same time. So that was. That was kind of cool.
Erin [00:04:53]: I’m thinking about my mom, and I think she really took up stained glass much, much later on in life, and she was quite good at it.
Scott [00:05:00]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:05:00]: Artistic.
Erin [00:05:01]: And she’s always been very artistic. Right. And I just think to myself, now she will do paintings. She will go out in the yard, literally in the backyard in the middle of summer. And she’ll paint our house. Right. She’s always been really artistic. Never did I see her doing any.
Rebecca [00:05:17]: Of that when I was growing up.
Erin [00:05:19]: And so it just makes me wonder, like, if, if she was allowed to have multi dimensions of her personality or really like, exploit those in some ways.
Rebecca [00:05:28]: Who would she be?
Erin [00:05:30]: And I see her coming into her own now. And sometimes it makes me feel sad that she didn’t have the opportunity or didn’t allow herself or societally didn’t give her the opportunity to do those types.
Rebecca [00:05:40]: Of things back in the day.
Erin [00:05:41]: We’re making up for it now, though. Millennials, we sure are, myself included.
Rebecca [00:05:45]: Oh, my gosh. Well, speaking of, let me give a really quick background about the generational differences. If you didn’t, you know, hear our episode last time. So the boomers were specifically talking about our particular parents and then us, our generation. So the boomers, in terms of their parenting, they specifically were parenting in terms of doing hands on guidance or taught their children to follow the correct path. They taught their children to do the right thing or there was a right way to do things, they very much would have conditional love. And that love was earned. So you needed to do the right thing to be loved. And then Aaron coined this term martyrism. So this was their primary role. This was mom’s primary role as, as they were parenting.
Erin [00:06:38]: If I coined the term martyrism, I need to be making a ton that I’m making right now.
Scott [00:06:43]: That’s right.
Rebecca [00:06:44]: So then millennials, this is, this is Aaron and I and, you know, a lot of our listeners. So these, the way that we’re parenting generally, not necessarily, you know, Aaron and I, but this is generally how millennials are parenting. We teach our kids to foster independence and teach them to be resilient. We ex, we teach them to explore their individual identities and their individual passions. We are very much unconditional love. We don’t, you know, teach our children to that love is earned. And we as moms very much prioritize self care. We are more than just moms. We are not martyrs in a lot of ways. And, but at the same time, that doesn’t mean we don’t have mom guilt. So.
Erin [00:07:33]: Right. So, so let’s hop into this topic of mom guilt, starting with defining what mom guilt is. So mom guilt is defined as the constant feeling that you’re not doing enough, particularly as a mom. So in your stereotypical expectations of what a mom is, you’re not doing enough or being enough. Showing up enough, being present enough for your children. This happens to come about through societal conditioning and our own internal and innate feelings of who we are supposed to be as a nurturer, as someone who cares deeply, as someone who guides our children toward the right light. Right. So we have these pressures of social conditioning. You’ll hear us talk a little bit about the social media influence of mom guilt and how you hear the term Pinterest mom. Right? The. The mom who’s pulling together the most adorable Valentine’s craft you could possibly think about, and you’re over here buying some.
Rebecca [00:08:43]: Pretzels, just hoping that I’m definitely the princess Pinterest mom.
Erin [00:08:47]: Right.
Rebecca [00:08:48]: It’s true.
Erin [00:08:49]: I’m very aware. Very aware. So you’re going to hear about societal conditioning and some of the ways that social media plays their loop. A loop. A loop.
Rebecca [00:08:57]: Yes, a loop.
Erin [00:08:58]: A loop. It is a roll. There is a role that is on loop. Yeah. Um, and then the damned if you do, damned if you don’t trap. So are you a working mom? Are you a working stay at home mom? Are you a CEO, business owner mom? Do you have a nanny? Are you someone who’s trying to prioritize yourself as a human being outside of your identity as a mom? Or are you someone who’s full time, all in mom? And how do we each feel about all of those roles? And really, how we feel about those roles is an extension of how we feel about ourselves and what we ourselves are doing in those types of roles. Right. So you have the, you have the, the moms who work outside of the home, who look at the stay at home moms and maybe think, oh my gosh, if that’s what I had to do day in and day out was just manage the actual chores and the home and the travel and all of that. Kind of like Brandon Schwartz practice and the grocery shopping and all of that. That does seem like a full time job. And I wish that that was all I had to do. Right. And then you might have the moms who stay at home, who look at the moms who work outside the home and maybe thinking, I wish that I got to get out of this house for a little while and go do something else or make an impact in some other way. Right. And how there’s this infighting that sometimes happen that isn’t typically externally fueled, but it’s more of like an internal feeling about how we are or how other people are that contributes to this sense of mom guilt. So essentially, mom guilt is this feeling that you’re not Doing enough or you’re not enough when you are a mom.
Rebecca [00:10:39]: That’s really interesting because I’ve shared with you before that I don’t experience mom guilt at all. And I think you just clarified it for me because I was like, when I say things like I am the Pinterest mom. I do those things only because I enjoy them. It’s not because I feel like I have to. It’s not because I want to one up somebody. It’s not because I want my kid to look better. I just actually, I love crafting and I love being creative and that’s what I want to do. And I actually had the time to do it. If I didn’t, I would absolutely be perfectly fine going to the store and getting those dumb paper $1 Valentine’s and be just as happy given those two.
Erin [00:11:29]: Would you?
Scott [00:11:29]: Yes.
Erin [00:11:30]: Would you?
Rebecca [00:11:30]: If I did? Again, it comes down to my calendar and my time.
Erin [00:11:35]: So.
Scott [00:11:35]: Yes.
Erin [00:11:36]: So this is a. I know you.
Rebecca [00:11:38]: Don’T think I would.
Erin [00:11:39]: I know because I do. Of mom guilt. I will never forget the time.
Rebecca [00:11:43]: Stop it.
Erin [00:11:44]: You know exactly what I’m gonna say.
Rebecca [00:11:45]: Are you bringing up the glitter in the Walmart?
Erin [00:11:47]: Oh, no. But that was a good one too. I’m bringing up the time that in your kids. I don’t even know what age they were. For Valentine’s Day, I called you and you had purchased this Alphabet cereal that you were hot glue gunning onto frickin spoons that for each of the individual kids in the class and gave them a box of cereal. I don’t even know what was going on, you guys.
Rebecca [00:12:10]: So it was quickly too.
Erin [00:12:13]: I bought much.
Rebecca [00:12:14]: I bought individual, you know, those individual boxes of cereal.
Erin [00:12:17]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:12:17]: And then I bought plastic spoons and I bought those beads.
Erin [00:12:20]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:12:21]: With the individual name, individual letters on them.
Erin [00:12:23]: Yeah. And I hot glued every student in the class’s name on the spoon onto.
Rebecca [00:12:30]: The spoon and then attached it to the box.
Erin [00:12:32]: Okay, guys, I can’t.
Rebecca [00:12:34]: That was just one year.
Erin [00:12:35]: I can’t make her achiever. But that it wasn’t on. That’s just crime example. So you might have had the time.
Rebecca [00:12:41]: I did.
Erin [00:12:42]: You might have had the ability. You might have had the desire to.
Rebecca [00:12:45]: Craft just for fun. That was not.
Erin [00:12:47]: That might be just. You’re thinking to yourself, oh my God, this is so great. And that motivation does feel different. Right. Because if you’re like me, but I.
Rebecca [00:12:55]: But I have owned an event planning company, like that’s just who I am.
Erin [00:12:59]: But this is what I’m trying to explain about mom Guilt.
Scott [00:13:02]: Right.
Erin [00:13:02]: So then you call me.
Scott [00:13:03]: Right?
Erin [00:13:03]: And you say, what are you doing for Valentine’s Day for Carter? And I say, I bought the $1 great shit. That you shove in the envelope.
Scott [00:13:12]: Yeah.
Erin [00:13:13]: And we’re going to be lucky if I can find the class list to write the name on the outside of the envelopes. And what did you say to me?
Rebecca [00:13:20]: I know.
Erin [00:13:21]: I know. What did you say to me? You did not say in that moment.
Scott [00:13:23]: I know.
Erin [00:13:24]: Good for you. Dollar Store.
Rebecca [00:13:25]: I know.
Erin [00:13:26]: Good for you. I’m so happy I can bust your balls. In fact, what you said to me was. I know. I’m pretty sure you’re not letting him go to school like that. Are you serious?
Scott [00:13:34]: I know.
Rebecca [00:13:34]: And then I’m pretty sure I came up with something and told you what?
Erin [00:13:36]: I’m going to tell you exactly what you came up with.
Rebecca [00:13:38]: I know.
Erin [00:13:38]: You said, go to the store right now.
Scott [00:13:41]: I know.
Erin [00:13:41]: And you go get yourself one of those individual bag boxes of Teddy Grahams.
Scott [00:13:46]: I know.
Erin [00:13:47]: I can’t stand you. This. I can’t stand you. This episode’s no longer about mom guilt. This is about all the ways that I have been shamed. Shamed into feeling. This is exactly where mom guilt comes from. You said you go to the store and you buy individual boxes of Teddy Graham. Teddy Grahams. And then you’re going to make these stupid ass tags that go on the site. I can’t even remember for the life of me. I did what it said.
Rebecca [00:14:12]: I remember the telegrams.
Erin [00:14:14]: I came up with the saying, here’s the bear hug.
Scott [00:14:16]: For real.
Erin [00:14:18]: Some stupid.
Scott [00:14:19]: I know.
Erin [00:14:20]: Like. I know. What did I do?
Rebecca [00:14:22]: You did it.
Erin [00:14:22]: You want to talk about. I had. I had the Dollar Store ready to go to my kids and was I fine with it? I was. I was happy with who I was a mom.
Rebecca [00:14:32]: I know.
Erin [00:14:32]: I was happy who I was in that moment. And that wasn’t okay with little miss over here.
Rebecca [00:14:36]: I know.
Erin [00:14:37]: And so what did I do?
Rebecca [00:14:38]: I know. You did it.
Erin [00:14:38]: My ass went to Wegmans.
Rebecca [00:14:40]: I know.
Erin [00:14:40]: And got individual.
Rebecca [00:14:42]: I’m pretty sure I made the hang tags for you. You just had to print them out.
Erin [00:14:45]: You did.
Scott [00:14:46]: Yeah.
Erin [00:14:46]: You even cut them into stupid heart shapes.
Scott [00:14:48]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:14:49]: I’m pretty sure my ass went to.
Erin [00:14:50]: Wegmans and bought these stupid ass Teddy Graham. Let’s see. That’s how we’re a team.
Rebecca [00:14:54]: I did the work for you. You just had to go pick them up.
Erin [00:14:56]: You guys, this is gaslighting. When she said that we are a team, that is not exactly what happened. All right, so anyway, this is a prime example of what happens with mom guilt. So you say I don’t experience mom guilt. No, I just don’t experience what you should be doing. Because everything related to being the crafty mom and the mom who’s doing all the Pinterest and whatever is well within your wheelhouse.
Rebecca [00:15:19]: That’s true.
Erin [00:15:20]: Those of us who couldn’t care less, who were fine in our own zone, then got guilted into buying the Teddy.
Rebecca [00:15:27]: Graham just because I enjoy it. I should have just done it for you.
Erin [00:15:29]: And now I’m going to tell you the school where you did experience mom guilt.
Scott [00:15:33]: What?
Erin [00:15:34]: The time that we had to go travel somewhere. And your response was, I don’t know if I can go. And I said, why? And you said, taylor has a fricking modified soccer practice for two hours.
Rebecca [00:15:53]: But that wasn’t mom guilt. That’s just cause I wanted to go to that.
Erin [00:15:55]: No, no. This is why you don’t understand the concept of mom guilt. The mom guilt you were experiencing in that moment is. I don’t wanna miss.
Rebecca [00:16:04]: Yeah.
Erin [00:16:05]: Modified two hour practice. Right. For my kid. We’re not talking the prom. We’re not talking like playoffs. We’re talking some practice.
Rebecca [00:16:12]: So I was choosing the practice over going with you.
Erin [00:16:14]: Yes. And so.
Rebecca [00:16:16]: But that’s not mom guilt.
Erin [00:16:17]: That’s. You didn’t do that. You went on the trip. Oh, so then I justified time. You were talking about. Oh, Taylor’s are practice right now. Whatever. That is a prime example of mom go. Okay, I need you to identify with it so we can carry on with the rest of the episode. Because.
Rebecca [00:16:32]: Because we’re at.
Erin [00:16:33]: I need you to know.
Rebecca [00:16:34]: Okay.
Erin [00:16:35]: What we’re talk.
Scott [00:16:35]: Got it.
Erin [00:16:36]: Here. Got it. So that is mom guilt. Where does it come from? Well, it comes from your best friend telling you to go buy some damn Teddy Grahams. That’s where it comes from. So it comes from society’s unsolicited opinions. Did you hear me say unsolicited? Because that part is incredibly important. You’re right. Good moms do this. Good moms breastfeed. Good moms only give themselves give their children organic baby food that they’ve mixed up from the frickin. Whatever those baby Bijorn things are. Ew. Good moms are a part of the pta. No, Good moms are terrible. Right. And so you have these unsolicited opinions on what a good mom is. And then if you are not one of those moms who’s falling in line, it can create this Discrepancy between what society is telling you you’re supposed to be doing versus who you are or what you are as a mom. Generational guilt. So related back to what we talked about last time. So what our moms felt guilty about versus what we feel guilty about are very different things.
Rebecca [00:17:38]: So, so how, how do we call BS on mom guilds? Because I’m very clear how we’re going to call bs. I remember.
Erin [00:17:45]: What is it? How are we. We’re going to stop answering the phone when you call?
Rebecca [00:17:48]: Well, yes, you absolutely can do that. But I remember very distinctly that you brought up breastfeeding. And I decided very early on I was not going to breastfeed. And I remember walking into the hospital and making it very clear that no one in that room was going to bring it up. No one was going to make me feel bad about it. And they, they respected my wishes and that was the end of it.
Erin [00:18:10]: So I think you bring up something really important related to the bs. How do we call BS on mom guilt? And that is a lot of my mom guilt. I’ve been thinking a lot about this since I knew we were gonna talk about it. When I feel mom guilt, it is not necessarily because I myself feel bad for what I’m doing. It’s not. I love being a CEO of my business. I love making money for my family. I love being able to be the one who says I’m not planning the vacations, but I will fund the vacations. Yes. That is a role that I really love to play. I love going on girls trips and just recharging my batteries. That doesn’t feel bad to me in any way, shape or form.
Rebecca [00:18:49]: No.
Erin [00:18:50]: What happens for me is that when whether it’s the societal pressure or for me, it’s less than society. It’s more. My close friend group starts to imply, including my own mother starts to imply that something I am doing is not appropriate, well regarded in my son’s best interest, that I feel really unseen and that that’s when I start to feel it’s, it’s mom guilt, but it’s also this shame that I feel for the person that I am creating or trying to help, you know, build into a successful human being. So like I mentioned, I am fine just like you are with staying in my lane with, let’s use the example of the dollar store Valentine’s. That’s fine with me. I actually have reset the bar. I feel like that’s my capacity. I’m totally fine.
Rebecca [00:19:44]: Absolutely.
Erin [00:19:45]: And if I go to my wine Club, and everyone in wine club is doing something completely different. I’m still fine with that. Right. But my mom guilt tends to center around time and attention. So when my son and my husband and I are all in the house together, we are rather introverted and all like to have our own time to ourself. It is not uncommon for Mark to be in the basement, Carter to be in the middle level, and for me to be upstairs. And we all just sort of are recharging our batteries. Right. But I will notice myself being like, I’ve not checked on Carter enough. I need to go downstairs. Or I will notice myself saying, oh, you know, you’ve worked so much today, you really need to sit with Carter on the couch. That’s not necessarily because Carter wants me to sit with him on the couch. It’s because I’m feeling that pressure to do those things because my mom, for instance, in the back of my mind, again, related to session number one, is like having this constant dialogue about, well, did you make him dinner? Did you do this? Did you do that? Right. And so in order to call BS on some of what I’m experiencing it, one of the things I have to do is reframe it. So guilt is often just a sign that you care, not that you’re failing in some way, and then getting right with what you genuinely care about. Putting yourself in this Golden Globe where you’re like, now, I cannot be bothered by the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of everyone around me. Justification is important for me. I can justify why I’m doing what I’m doing right now. But most important for me was being able to call out and name why other people were making me feel guilty.
Rebecca [00:21:30]: Yeah.
Erin [00:21:31]: And to say to them, I need you to know you’re making me feel incredibly guilty. Now, we joked in the beginning about the story about. About the Teddy Grahams. I very well have said to you, you’re making me feel like a really shitty mom.
Scott [00:21:41]: Right.
Erin [00:21:42]: And you would have been like, totally fine, not a problem. What’s your credit card? I’m going to go do it for you and I’m going to drop it off at your house. Right, Right. Or fine, Or I don’t want to do that. I don’t feel that way.
Rebecca [00:21:51]: Right, Absolutely.
Erin [00:21:52]: So part of calling BS on mom guilt is reframing it. Yeah. Another tactic is what would you say to a friend? Right. This is so true in so many areas of our life. So if someone were to call me, I’m thinking, Kelly up the street, or just, I feel like a really bad mom right now because of whatever. I know exactly what I would say to her. You’re a phenomenal mom. You’re a kick ass mom. Right. You’ doing all of the things right. I know you might feel like this, but you know, we can’t do all.
Rebecca [00:22:15]: Things at all times.
Erin [00:22:16]: Right? Screw them. Do you realize? And then I’d come up with 16 different ways that she was a phenomenal mom and the tiniest little things that she had done every single day. Right?
Rebecca [00:22:24]: That’s right.
Erin [00:22:25]: But what would you say to a friend? And then how are you going to reinterpret that for yourself as well? What would a friend say to you?
Scott [00:22:31]: Yep.
Erin [00:22:32]: Yep. What actually matters?
Rebecca [00:22:34]: That’s, I think, love the biggest, that no one cares.
Erin [00:22:38]: Nobody cares.
Rebecca [00:22:38]: That’s right.
Erin [00:22:39]: How often do I say that?
Rebecca [00:22:40]: That’s right.
Erin [00:22:40]: Nobody cares.
Rebecca [00:22:41]: That’s right.
Erin [00:22:41]: So the what actually matters test. So separating your real concerns from the made up concerns that you’re coming up in your mind, there’s plenty of made up concerns. There’s plenty of stories that we tell ourselves about what people are thinking or how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking about, what something looks like or whatever.
Rebecca [00:22:58]: And even if they are, who cares?
Erin [00:23:00]: Right.
Rebecca [00:23:00]: Who cares?
Erin [00:23:01]: So does it really matter? No. Right. Does it really matter that you decided to not go to one practice because you needed to recharge your own batteries?
Rebecca [00:23:10]: The reality is they’re thinking that because they’re so jealous that they want to be able to do it too.
Erin [00:23:18]: So you’re recharging their batteries.
Rebecca [00:23:20]: The reality.
Erin [00:23:21]: Interesting.
Rebecca [00:23:21]: The reality is, here’s a great example. How come your kids can take a nap anywhere at any time when my kids have to go home and sleep in their bed? The answer is you trained them that way. The answer is I trained my kids to do what I need them to do around my lifestyle.
Erin [00:23:44]: And so you’re saying some of that mom guilt comes from. I wish I had done that with judgment.
Rebecca [00:23:48]: Some of the judgment comes from that.
Scott [00:23:50]: Yes.
Erin [00:23:51]: Which I think is another way to call BS on mom guilt. I think it’s okay to call those things out 100%. Right.
Rebecca [00:23:57]: It’s got to be a self reflective process too, right?
Scott [00:24:00]: Yeah. Yeah.
Erin [00:24:00]: Right. And then it’s okay to call those things out by saying things like I’m. What I’m hearing you say is, I’m just curious, when you say that, did you. Well, did you ever. Right. And so just finding a way to reframe and band together as moms, being mindful of what you’re saying how you’re saying it, what you’re questioning. Right. That knowing that many of us moms are silently suffering inside, thinking that we’re doing a really shitty job when we’re all really hitting it out of the park in many ways, if you think of all the things that we’re trying to juggle and just know that the mom that you’re talking to, you could never say something that’s going to be more harsh than she’s probably telling herself.
Scott [00:24:42]: That’s right.
Rebecca [00:24:43]: That’s right.
Erin [00:24:44]: And then the final way we came up with with how to call BS on mom guilt is funny Mom Guilt Confessions. I love the example that we came up with, which was I gave my kids cereal for dinner and he totally survived. That’s right. And then when we were talking about it, we were like, let me tell you, eight other things.
Scott [00:24:59]: Right.
Erin [00:25:00]: That were probably a million times worse than that, that we could have said.
Rebecca [00:25:03]: Oh, so all the time, but all.
Erin [00:25:04]: The time about it being like, hey, guys, you know, I sometimes I forgot to pick my kid up from school today, and guess what? Sometimes teachers took care of it and I came a little bit later.
Rebecca [00:25:14]: And sometimes they’re great memories.
Erin [00:25:15]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:25:16]: Turn them into great memories.
Erin [00:25:17]: On social media, there’s whole forums of, like, why I’m a worse mom.
Scott [00:25:21]: Right.
Erin [00:25:23]: Which is quite hilarious. Right. And so finding ways to connect yourself with just funny stories of reminders that it really just doesn’t matter. We really do interact with you and.
Rebecca [00:25:35]: Find yourself a group of friends where you can share these things with each other and, you know, get on the same page. That show Working Moms. If you haven’t watched it, watch it. It’s one of my favorite shows, really. It is great. It’s this, you know.
Erin [00:25:47]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:25:48]: They’re. They’re great moms and terrible moms all at the same time. And it is the best show.
Erin [00:25:53]: And you can totally relate and identify. Right.
Rebecca [00:25:55]: 100%. It’s great.
Erin [00:25:56]: But I think. I think maybe one of the biggest takeaways for this particular session is we need to start redefining what it means to be a good mom.
Rebecca [00:26:05]: A hundred percent.
Scott [00:26:05]: Yeah.
Erin [00:26:06]: So related to the concept of generational differences, what we grew up with, what our expectations were as a child when our moms were momming versus when we’re momming now. I think we’re a little lost in this idea of what it really means to be a good mom.
Rebecca [00:26:27]: Yeah.
Erin [00:26:28]: And so if I were to say to you, if these three things were true, you would say you were really hitting it. Out of the park. As a mom, what would your three things be right now? Yeah.
Rebecca [00:26:39]: I would say that my children are very resilient.
Erin [00:26:43]: Okay.
Rebecca [00:26:44]: I would say that my children are very intuitive, responsible, and socialized.
Erin [00:26:53]: And if those things were true, then you would say whatever details look like for me as a mom, whether I do the Valentine’s, you know, cards or whatever, as long as those things are true, I feel like I’m really hitting it out of the park. I must be doing something right.
Scott [00:27:10]: Yeah.
Erin [00:27:11]: Yeah. And I think maybe that’s what’s important when we redefine, what does it mean to be a good mom? If you had to get back to basics, if you had to say, here’s the three things that I need my child or children to be able to do successfully, and am I doing activities? Am I giving time? Am I valuing the things that are associated with those three main concepts? Maybe that’s enough.
Rebecca [00:27:39]: Those always come first. That extra stuff. That’s a low priority.
Erin [00:27:45]: Yeah, those.
Scott [00:27:46]: Yeah.
Erin [00:27:47]: But by doing that, by acknowledging that, and you’ve always spoke this work. Your values.
Rebecca [00:27:51]: That’s right.
Erin [00:27:52]: What are your values? Put them in order. And everything that you do should be surrounded by that. But if we redefine that as moms and if we say, here’s my three main things, I want them to do, everything else is in the details. I think that gives us permission to be imperfect. I think that allows us to lead more into our intuition as moms and to sort of trust our own gut instinct of what our children need. And it allows us to sort of take action on different aspects of our life that may or may not be fitting. So, for instance, if. If me going to my son’s basketball practice is not necessarily adding to those three main points, I may be more apt to give myself permission to not have to do those things or have to go to that specific basketball practice, because I know I’m making up for it in the places where it really counts.
Rebecca [00:28:45]: Yes.
Erin [00:28:45]: Now add your partner into that conversation, and maybe he or she has three other things. If those six things are knockout parenting for the two of you, and that is what you are focusing and putting your values on, I just wonder how much of a difference that would make.
Rebecca [00:29:03]: 100%.
Erin [00:29:04]: Which brings us to our very first segment. Segment. A segment. So we have two segments this season, you guys. The first segment is called Straight to Voicemail. And straight to Voicemail is when you call us in at our Google number, which point your finger down, because you know that producer Joe, point your finger down. Is going to put it on the screen right here so that you can call in, you can talk about any topics that you want to talk about. And we will hopefully, hopefully choose you, if you’re not an asshat to be on the show and you’re, you’re straight to voicemail will come in. But our second segment, which is what we’re going to start today is called a heart hurdle. Stop it. More love. Little heart hurdle. And a heart hurdle is essentially our way of saying that we’re going to give you a challenge. And this challenge is something you have to do before our next episode. It is going to be small, it’s going to be bite sized. It’s going to be something that anyone can do. But it is something related to what we were talking about in the show that we would like you to try and get over the little heart hurdle by giving it a go. So I can think of two heart hurdles for this episode. The first would be, and I really loved the idea that Joe had for this call, a prominent mother or mother like figure in your life. Maybe it was your aunt, maybe it was your sister. Maybe it was someone else who could identify in some way, shape or form with being a mom. And ask her what type of mom guilt, mom related guilt she experienced. What was one thing that she experienced in a mom guilt way while she was going through this process? So ask her and then see what types of conversations unfold. The second heart hurdle that I would recommend. So you get to pick one of two. This just came up on the fly. Cause what can I say? I’m so spontaneous.
Rebecca [00:31:09]: I mean. Yeah, you are good at that was.
Erin [00:31:10]: Related to what we just talked about. What are your top three values? What are your top three values that if you were to say I’m nailing it in these particular categories. My child, as long as my child is able to do this, this and this, I feel really good about what I am giving to my child. What would those top three things be? And then pay attention over the course of the next week about how everything else feels rather insignificant and how you can let yourself off the hook for things that are not directly related to those top three values.
Rebecca [00:31:43]: That’s awesome.
Erin [00:31:44]: A heart hurdle, you guys. It’s a little heart just jumping over a hurdle and it’s like it’s making us so much better.
Rebecca [00:31:50]: That’s right.
Erin [00:31:51]: So that’s right.
Rebecca [00:31:52]: So we’re going to talk about next time.
Erin [00:31:54]: Next time we are going to talk about. New segment, you guys. New segment. Switching gears.
Rebecca [00:31:58]: Okay.
Erin [00:31:59]: Identity and self. Worth. Oh, Identity and self worth. So you’re going to want to hit us back up for our next sessions.
Rebecca [00:32:06]: Okay.
Erin [00:32:06]: I have an affirmation card pre picked.
Rebecca [00:32:09]: All right.
Erin [00:32:09]: Again, also adorable. Just like it was last week.
Rebecca [00:32:12]: All right.
Erin [00:32:13]: Self worth. On the front, it says I deserve to prioritize my well being. I swear to God.
Rebecca [00:32:19]: I know.
Erin [00:32:19]: How does this hippie voo craziness happen?
Rebecca [00:32:21]: Because it’s a. It’s the energy.
Erin [00:32:23]: I’m telling you, make self care a priority today. Do one thing just for your happiness, okay? Like a long bath, listening to your favorite music, going for a walk, or reading your favorite book.
Rebecca [00:32:36]: Oh, I love that.
Erin [00:32:38]: All right, fantastic. So we’ll see you next time. And until next time, keep feeling, keep questioning, and keep spreading more love. It.
