Erin [00:00:00]: We walk down the aisle with these thoughts and these perceptions and these goals. And then when we are in the heart of the marriage is when we have never outwardly said to anyone, this is what I was hoping you were gonna heal for me. How come you’re not healing this? Right? Or we’re so clear about our own point of reference and what we need that we sometimes fail to think about the perspective taking of what that partner may feel in our marriage or our relationship. Well, I need you to strap yourself in today again.
Rebecca [00:00:56]: Strap it in. Strap it on.
Erin [00:00:57]: I think it was clippity clip bitch, is what you said, Scott.
Rebecca [00:01:00]: Yeah, clippity clip bitch.
Erin [00:01:06]: Because today my question for you is, how does your partner view your marriage? How is it that two people can be in exactly the same marriage and experience it so differently?
Rebecca [00:01:20]: I mean, that’s a great question.
Erin [00:01:22]: The best example that I can think of when it comes to this is anyone that I have known that’s been in a marriage that is ending in divorce. And one person is like, I’m all done, and here’s the 400 reasons why. And then the other person on the other end is like, we’re gonna get a divorce. What do you mean, we’re gonna get a divorce? Like, it’s so fascinating to me that two people can be experiencing the same exact marriage and yet have such drastically different positions. So that’s what we’re gonna dive into today on the More Love podcast is how does your partner view your marriage? We’ve decided that Rebecca is going to pull her hippie view. Hippie view.
Rebecca [00:02:04]: The hippie view. Which is funny. This just.
Erin [00:02:06]: Just fell out live because we are always impressed that whatever falls out literally is the coolest. And so she just literally pulled this.
Rebecca [00:02:17]: No, I didn’t pull it. It fell. It fell out.
Erin [00:02:19]: Oh, it fell. Yeah.
Rebecca [00:02:20]: And this one’s weird.
Scott [00:02:21]: I don’t know of you just joining the podcast. Hippie voo. Hippy means hippie voodoo.
Erin [00:02:27]: That’s right.
Scott [00:02:28]: Arrow cards. And we mixed with dark forces and whatnot.
Erin [00:02:32]: I mean, that’s right. Let’s say. Let me give you the short down and dirty of hippie voo. Rebecca has a spirit in her house that’s inside her portal, which is into her bedroom. And she’s decided that she’s basically a witch. So she pulls out these cards and decides she knows exactly what she’s talking about. And she would not let me move forward in this podcast unless we include a tarot.
Rebecca [00:02:51]: Okay. So it’s the nine of pentacles. So it’s the. It’s like nine coins with a turtle and it’s called gratitude.
Erin [00:02:58]: Okay.
Rebecca [00:02:59]: Interesting.
Erin [00:02:59]: Right?
Rebecca [00:03:00]: So. I don’t know. I don’t know. I think we’ve had this before. So now is the time to treat yourself to some leisure and luxury. Furnishing your home, tending to your garden, indulging in your favorite pursuit, or otherwise spending on yourself as you as you’ll be, feeling rich in both time and money. You love your home, so you’ll redecorate, rearrange, bake, and invite others to share in your relaxed, comfortable space. So the advice is to devote time and money to your interest and your home. You can be the center of your world and appreciate all good things in life just now. So that is interesting as we talk about marriage from our own perspectives, specifically today, because we did not do what we did on the past episode where we interviewed our husbands. This is from our perspective.
Scott [00:03:49]: What do I think my wife thinks of?
Rebecca [00:03:51]: Yeah, yeah.
Scott [00:03:52]: And then how wrong am I?
Rebecca [00:03:55]: Well, just try to put yourself in their shoes type of situation, really small feet. And think about it from their perspective. Because I think sometimes when we talk, I think we’re gonna talk a little bit about love languages a little bit later on. And one of the main takeaways is we often lead from what we want. And that’s probably not the best way because when we’re leading from what we want, we’re not fulfilling other people’s wants and desires.
Erin [00:04:25]: Which is hard.
Rebecca [00:04:26]: Which is hard because, you know.
Erin [00:04:28]: Anyway, so that’s how I was gonna frame this. Let me tell you what I know to be true. And then you and Scott jump in when you either also know something to be true or you believe something different to be true.
Rebecca [00:04:39]: Okay.
Erin [00:04:40]: So people get into marriages for a multitude of reasons.
Rebecca [00:04:44]: That’s right. We talk about this all the time.
Erin [00:04:46]: And often the reason is not just pure love and attraction.
Rebecca [00:04:53]: Well, and people define love very differently all the time.
Erin [00:04:56]: True, true. But typically there’s this inner child that is seeking some type of reconciliation that they then find in this partner. And you’re walking down the aisle to each other with all the hope and promise that this is just going to be a very different experience. Right. Or something that heals you in some way.
Rebecca [00:05:23]: Yeah.
Erin [00:05:23]: And I’ve mentioned before on this podcast that for right or for wrong, my black and white nature, my, like, pretty, like, specific way of thinking did not have me thinking what the rest of life was going to look like. And do I have I picked a partner that can weather all of those Storms. I guess it was a concept for me, but I’m certainly someone that has to live it in order to experience it, in order to. To then assess it. Sure. Right, sure. And so what I know to be true is that we walk down the aisle with these thoughts and these perceptions and these goals, and then when we are in the heart of the marriage is when our either inner child comes out to play. That we have never outwardly said to anyone. This is what I was hoping you were going to heal for me. How come you’re not healing this? Right. Or that? Like you said about the love languages, we’re so clear about our own point of reference and what we need that we sometimes fail to think about the perspective taking of what that partner may feel in our marriage or our relationship.
Rebecca [00:06:39]: Well, then don’t forget when you start adding, like children. Yeah, yeah. When you add to the dynamic or when you add extra things like just layers. Layers to that, it becomes more. Think about it. Traditionally, a lot of people don’t even live together before they get married. So you’re like living apart and then people come together and then all of a sudden you have to now live together and experience that. You have to combine income, you have to manage time like it’s. It’s a whole gamut of change. Yeah.
Scott [00:07:15]: And the age.
Rebecca [00:07:16]: Age. Yeah.
Scott [00:07:17]: Because the old get the more set in your ways you become. Harder for you to like, bend and accommodate someone else’s ways.
Rebecca [00:07:24]: Yes. And your brain chemistry, everything is different.
Erin [00:07:27]: If we had reckless abandon and we just threw out how we felt, how we thought, and we just focused on, would my partner say that he or she is satisfied, is happy, is having his or her needs met? If we just look at it from that perspective, I just think it’s such a fascinating question to ask. So let’s start there. If you were to just think about your partner, this is true for you too, Scott. And really get in their mindset, what do you think they would say about the current state of your relationship, the current state of your marriage?
Rebecca [00:08:13]: Right now, today? Sure, Right now, today.
Erin [00:08:16]: Well, I mean, is it different than it was yesterday or like Casey not happy right now in this season?
Scott [00:08:21]: I think Kelly would have nothing but good things to say.
Erin [00:08:24]: Hmm.
Scott [00:08:25]: I think we’re in a better place than we’ve ever been in our 20, almost 23 years of marriage.
Rebecca [00:08:32]: Mm. That’s awesome.
Scott [00:08:34]: So, yeah. So I think we would both. If you sat us down in different rooms and we were to explain it, I think we would come pretty close to the mark together.
Rebecca [00:08:43]: Oh, I love that.
Scott [00:08:44]: Really do.
Erin [00:08:44]: And this is the first time in. In how many years? You said in 23 years that you feel like you might both be on the same page.
Rebecca [00:08:51]: Yeah.
Scott [00:08:51]: We’ll be married 23 years in November. And, yeah, I would say that this is probably. There may have been some times here and there throughout the years that. That we were kind of, you know, together, but for the most part, we haven’t been. And it took us many years of growth, introspection, and therapy to figure out how, like, what we wanted and how we were going to get there and what it was gonna take. And thankfully, we both had the same ideas. Like, we both had the same goals. Yeah, there weren’t. That’s the thing. It’s like, if you have different goals, that makes it even more difficult for you to, like, get to that singularity, I guess, for lack of a better word. We have the same goals.
Rebecca [00:09:35]: Yeah.
Erin [00:09:35]: Mm.
Rebecca [00:09:36]: That’s awesome.
Erin [00:09:37]: What would Philip say?
Rebecca [00:09:39]: I think he would say that he wants more. More, More. More time together. We are in the season of devotion to our children’s activities, and it’s divide and conquer. And that means limited time together and limited time as a foursome. And that is the thing that we, as a couple value the most and are getting the least.
Scott [00:10:18]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:10:18]: And that I would concur.
Scott [00:10:20]: That’s the same with us. Like, we have. If we’re talking about what’s missing and where we want to be, definitely not enough time.
Rebecca [00:10:28]: It’s just not enough family time, not enough hours in the day.
Scott [00:10:31]: Scattered.
Erin [00:10:32]: And.
Rebecca [00:10:32]: Yeah, when you. I mean, I looked at the other day, I looked at my calendar. From now, it was. It was the beginning of May through the beginning of September. There is not one weekend that we have free. Not one to do anything. And I. And that means together, like, we’re dividing and conquering. Sometimes we’re together, sometimes we’re not. And it just sucks.
Scott [00:11:05]: Can I just interject real quick?
Rebecca [00:11:07]: Yeah.
Scott [00:11:08]: Trust me, you’re gonna blink your eyes.
Rebecca [00:11:10]: I know, I know. And we are trying our best to just. In. In.
Scott [00:11:13]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:11:14]: You know, we’re. We’re very conscious of, like. Yep, yep, yep. I know.
Scott [00:11:18]: Can make time.
Rebecca [00:11:18]: That’s right. That’s right.
Scott [00:11:19]: That time. And move on, because.
Rebecca [00:11:21]: Absolutely.
Scott [00:11:21]: Before you know it, you’re gonna be like, holy shit. We’re close to being. Well, not really close to being empty nesters, but, I mean, it goes fast. It’s potentially only a few years away as compared to, like, where you are.
Rebecca [00:11:35]: I know.
Scott [00:11:36]: In your journey.
Rebecca [00:11:36]: Oh, I’m Very aware. I’m very aware. I keep saying. Even I said to Taylor yesterday, I said, we only have you two more years. And I am very, very, very aware. Very conscious. Yeah. So that’s what he would say. We want. We want to be more conscious of that and we want more.
Scott [00:11:53]: So would you say the same? You would say the same, right?
Rebecca [00:11:56]: I would say the same, yes.
Scott [00:11:57]: Yeah. So you both are in alignment.
Rebecca [00:11:59]: Oh, very, very, very much.
Scott [00:12:00]: That’s good.
Rebecca [00:12:01]: Yes.
Erin [00:12:02]: God, I’m. I’m struggling with this one. What would Mark say? I view Mark as coming from a one down position pretty consistently. And so it’s hard for me to say how would he assess our marriage right now? Because I think a lot of what Mark has done in his life is had himself in a place where he’s just trying to keep up. He just wants to make sure that I’m happy. He just wants to make sure everything is going okay. And that’s often been at the. At the sake of having his own strong opinion about where things stand in our marriage. Does that make sense?
Rebecca [00:12:53]: Absolutely. But you’re also the go getter. The. This is my next thing. This is what I’m doing next. He’s not the one that comes to you and says, hey, guess what, Aaron, I would really like to build a house and here’s what we’re gonna do. He doesn’t come to you with the plants?
Erin [00:13:11]: No.
Rebecca [00:13:11]: But I don’t know if that’s because he doesn’t want to. I’m not sure.
Erin [00:13:18]: Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know either. Which is part of my hard part assessing this is I’ve never known him to be someone that wants to take the reins and make the plans.
Rebecca [00:13:28]: I don’t. My gut says no. My gut says he’s totally cool.
Erin [00:13:32]: I don’t think that that would be.
Scott [00:13:32]: Hard for, like, if being in a relationship with you. I think that that would be hard to. Just from the outside looking in.
Rebecca [00:13:40]: But I don’t.
Scott [00:13:40]: Trying to be funny. It’s like it’s the truth to come in with. With a plan. I would. It would almost be like. So I got this idea.
Rebecca [00:13:48]: I don’t. But that’s not his personality.
Erin [00:13:52]: I got an idea. Ah. Do you think?
Rebecca [00:13:54]: But I don’t. That’s never been his personality. He’s always kind of been the go with the flow type of guy. Like.
Erin [00:14:01]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:14:02]: There’s certain things he’s.
Scott [00:14:04]: I’m kind of the same way, though.
Rebecca [00:14:05]: Yeah.
Erin [00:14:05]: But I’ve pushed on that a lot. You know, I’VE said something stupid like, would you rather go to the mall, or would you rather go to Five Below and then go grocery shopping? No opinion.
Scott [00:14:19]: Can’t we do both?
Erin [00:14:21]: We cannot. With my family, we can barely do one of those things because they have a capacity. And once they reach their capacity, I’m all done. So I think that’s an interesting part of this. If I have to get in Mark’s mindset and I try and do this often just due to the nature of my work, it is hard to assess where he stands on things because he either does not have strong opinions or that’s a conditioned response. Not just conditioned because of me. I know we’d like to all put that on me because I’m pretty domineering at times. But that’s what’s in his backpack, right? That’s what he brings into this marriage, is essentially sit down and shut up and go with the flow. You can have opinions about things, but you better not be pushing real hard. And so that can sometimes make it difficult for me to better understand, you know, what his perception would be. I would, though, agree with you that he probably is feeling the most stable and secure in our marriage that he has felt in 10 years, because we’ve gone through a lot, we’ve worked through a lot, We’ve had some really good conversations. The codependency in this relationship would lead him to believe that if I am more stable and happy and not as mad, then his presence is okay. I’m not saying that that’s healthy by any means, but he’s probably dictating how he’s feeling about our marriage based in Aaron’s overall feel. There’s actually a term for that. I think it’s called mirroring, emotional mirroring. That you essentially aren’t really having your own reactions to things. You’re picking up on the energy around you, specifically with your partner, and then having a reaction based on how they’re reacting. I do the same thing. You know, he was upset about a baseball game the other day, and I noticed myself taking on the feelings associated with, well, now I feel anxious, and now I feel like we don’t have an answer. And now I’m, you know. And that’s not how I feel about it, but I was just, like, absorbing it. Like a sponge. Absolutely. So it can sometimes be difficult to determine it. I totally get that based on that.
Rebecca [00:16:38]: Absolutely.
Erin [00:16:39]: So I’m hoping we could talk about love languages.
Rebecca [00:16:41]: It’s one of my favorite things. I do love the love languages, and I’ve Done it with my kids, too. The five Love Language is an actual specific thing that you can take this quiz and anybody can take it online. It’s free, it’s free to do. And there’s a book that discusses it, and there’s Love languages for your children and for your family and all these things. It’s actually really wonderful when you’re struggling to communicate. It’s an effective communication tool. And like I said, I’ve done it with my children to try to learn how to praise them appropriately and how to effectively communicate with them through that avenue.
Erin [00:17:17]: Love Language is for you. You are words of affirmation. Philip is acts of service. I am acts of service. Mark is physical touch. I know.
Rebecca [00:17:28]: Sawyer’s physical touch drives me nuts. That’s my last.
Erin [00:17:31]: That’s my least. That’s my least.
Rebecca [00:17:32]: She’s like a fricking stage five clinger.
Erin [00:17:34]: Yep, Yep.
Rebecca [00:17:35]: Can’t take it.
Erin [00:17:36]: Do you know yours, Scott?
Scott [00:17:37]: My love language is service.
Rebecca [00:17:40]: Oh, acts of service.
Scott [00:17:42]: Affection.
Rebecca [00:17:44]: When we talk about the Love Languages, it’s really important because for Philip, his is acts of service. So for him, he will clean the entire house, top to bottom. He will do the yard work and all this stuff. And I am so annoyed. I am beyond annoyed. I am like, could you stop doing those things? I could give two flying shits. I could care less if the dishes are in the sink for four fucking days. Do not care. Do not care. In fact, how many times have you come to my house and there’s four things. Garbage. Sitting in my.
Scott [00:18:23]: Oh, my God.
Erin [00:18:24]: Garbage is my favorite.
Rebecca [00:18:25]: Do not care. Do not care. And for him, he gets so angry with me and upset when I don’t recognize him for doing those things because he’s. Again, he’s not only he’s really doing them for himself, but that’s his way of saying, see how much I love you because I’m doing this for you so you don’t have to do it. Well, thank you. But.
Erin [00:18:48]: Yep. It’s such a great example of how if we’re just thinking about our partner’s perception, and if his perception is being viewed through acts of service, you’re failing miserably.
Rebecca [00:19:00]: Right.
Erin [00:19:01]: Not because you can’t, but because you don’t give a.
Rebecca [00:19:04]: Right. Like, I do appreciate it. Right. But at the end of the day.
Erin [00:19:08]: It’S not high on your list.
Rebecca [00:19:09]: That’s not right. Like, if you’re doing that to help me.
Erin [00:19:13]: Right.
Scott [00:19:14]: So what would it be?
Rebecca [00:19:15]: It would be, write me a letters, send me a text in the morning saying, oh, My God. Have the best day. I know that this is going to be a hard day for you. Come home and talk to me about my day because you knew it was going to be hard. Yeah. Spend time talking to me about things that matter.
Erin [00:19:32]: Hey, I knew you had an important meeting today. How did it go?
Rebecca [00:19:35]: Correct.
Erin [00:19:36]: You know, it doesn’t even need.
Rebecca [00:19:37]: Well, I would love it for be deep in connecting.
Erin [00:19:39]: This is why I’m her twin flame.
Rebecca [00:19:41]: That’s right.
Erin [00:19:41]: Because she does not get that from her husband. Oh, my God. My favorite story about Philip is that he went through the line. It was like Mother’s Day or something. He went through the line to get some beer and he was like, oh, shit, it’s Mother’s Day. And he just picked one up off of, like, the random, like, as you’re walking through the line. And you were like, this is the sweetest card I’ve ever received. Evening. He’s like, God. Got it. When I was getting some beer Today at the 7:11, I just picked it up.
Rebecca [00:20:05]: Thanks.
Scott [00:20:06]: But you know, it’s like if you’re dying of thirst and someone comes with a little tincture full of water, it’s.
Erin [00:20:12]: Like, oh, my God. I know it’s true. It’s the best water and it’s the most. I know, it’s so true.
Scott [00:20:17]: I’ve never tasted such wine before.
Erin [00:20:19]: So great.
Rebecca [00:20:20]: So I love that. So that’s.
Erin [00:20:22]: I get it.
Rebecca [00:20:23]: But I will go above and beyond and write these beautiful letters to him. And he’s like, thanks.
Erin [00:20:29]: But again, this is such a great example of how you both potentially could view it if you’re viewing it from your own lens and just be like, this just isn’t. This isn’t what I need to be fulfilling.
Rebecca [00:20:41]: Oh, wait. So Mother’s Day. Because we have. We’re at this past Mother’s Day. We were at soccer tournaments and all these things, Right. I got nothing. We didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day. I didn’t get a present. I didn’t get dinner. I didn’t get anything. The next. So the. And the house was absolute, complete disaster. The next morning, I got up super early, cleaned everything to a T. I took pictures of every single room, texted them to him, and then at the bottom wrote, happy Mother’s Day.
Erin [00:21:11]: I did seven quick things.
Rebecca [00:21:15]: Oh, good.
Erin [00:21:15]: Super quick. That you can do.
Rebecca [00:21:17]: Yes.
Erin [00:21:18]: They’re bullets. Strategies to bridge perception gaps.
Rebecca [00:21:22]: Oh.
Erin [00:21:22]: So in the event you’re at a stalemate, your partner. You think your partner would think something different. Here’s my. By my I mean, Marianne’s top seven ideas of what to do.
Rebecca [00:21:34]: Okay.
Erin [00:21:34]: First is deepen your understanding of each other’s world by sharing thoughts, feelings, and experiences. That’s really just code for start talking to each other about what’s working and what’s not.
Rebecca [00:21:46]: Okay.
Erin [00:21:46]: Second, nurture fondness and admiration. You love this. This one makes you feel super comfortable. Regularly express appreciation and. And respect for each other. Okay. So putting that out there a little bit more.
Rebecca [00:22:03]: Okay.
Erin [00:22:04]: The third is turn toward each other.
Rebecca [00:22:06]: Like eye gaze. Absolutely.
Erin [00:22:08]: Respond to bids for attention, affection, and support positively. I’m 0 for 3 right now. I’m 0 for 3. What does that mean? You love this. This one’s your favorite. When. When Philip tries to, like, indicate that he would like some of your attention, whether it’s eye gazing or hold your hand, I want to throw up. That you need to turn to each other and you need to engage. Four, let your partner influence you. Be open to each other’s ideas and feelings. Five, solve solvable problems. Address issues that have a clear solution through compromise and negotiation. Overcome gridlocking. Six, understand and respect each other’s dreams and aspirations. And then seven is create shared meaning. Build a strong sense of purpose and values that comes from a shared place.
Rebecca [00:22:59]: Thank you, Marianne.
Erin [00:23:00]: So in other words, that’s bullshit, and we’re not doing any of that. That’s a whole bunch of fluff and not a lot of reality. And no one’s doing that, Marianne.
Rebecca [00:23:09]: Try again. Try again, Marianne.
Erin [00:23:10]: That sucks. Here’s your affirmation card. My dreams manifest into reality before my. Before my eyes. Growth and change. Take a tangible step towards one of your dreams today, no matter how small. That’s right. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Wow.
Rebecca [00:23:28]: So until next time. Oh, yeah.
Erin [00:23:30]: Until next time. Keep feeling, keep questioning, and keep spreading more love.
Scott [00:23:36]: Unless they ask for it.
Erin [00:23:38]: Then don’t do it.
Scott [00:23:41]: Sam.
Rebecca [00:00:56]: Strap it in. Strap it on.
Erin [00:00:57]: I think it was clippity clip bitch, is what you said, Scott.
Rebecca [00:01:00]: Yeah, clippity clip bitch.
Erin [00:01:06]: Because today my question for you is, how does your partner view your marriage? How is it that two people can be in exactly the same marriage and experience it so differently?
Rebecca [00:01:20]: I mean, that’s a great question.
Erin [00:01:22]: The best example that I can think of when it comes to this is anyone that I have known that’s been in a marriage that is ending in divorce. And one person is like, I’m all done, and here’s the 400 reasons why. And then the other person on the other end is like, we’re gonna get a divorce. What do you mean, we’re gonna get a divorce? Like, it’s so fascinating to me that two people can be experiencing the same exact marriage and yet have such drastically different positions. So that’s what we’re gonna dive into today on the More Love podcast is how does your partner view your marriage? We’ve decided that Rebecca is going to pull her hippie view. Hippie view.
Rebecca [00:02:04]: The hippie view. Which is funny. This just.
Erin [00:02:06]: Just fell out live because we are always impressed that whatever falls out literally is the coolest. And so she just literally pulled this.
Rebecca [00:02:17]: No, I didn’t pull it. It fell. It fell out.
Erin [00:02:19]: Oh, it fell. Yeah.
Rebecca [00:02:20]: And this one’s weird.
Scott [00:02:21]: I don’t know of you just joining the podcast. Hippie voo. Hippy means hippie voodoo.
Erin [00:02:27]: That’s right.
Scott [00:02:28]: Arrow cards. And we mixed with dark forces and whatnot.
Erin [00:02:32]: I mean, that’s right. Let’s say. Let me give you the short down and dirty of hippie voo. Rebecca has a spirit in her house that’s inside her portal, which is into her bedroom. And she’s decided that she’s basically a witch. So she pulls out these cards and decides she knows exactly what she’s talking about. And she would not let me move forward in this podcast unless we include a tarot.
Rebecca [00:02:51]: Okay. So it’s the nine of pentacles. So it’s the. It’s like nine coins with a turtle and it’s called gratitude.
Erin [00:02:58]: Okay.
Rebecca [00:02:59]: Interesting.
Erin [00:02:59]: Right?
Rebecca [00:03:00]: So. I don’t know. I don’t know. I think we’ve had this before. So now is the time to treat yourself to some leisure and luxury. Furnishing your home, tending to your garden, indulging in your favorite pursuit, or otherwise spending on yourself as you as you’ll be, feeling rich in both time and money. You love your home, so you’ll redecorate, rearrange, bake, and invite others to share in your relaxed, comfortable space. So the advice is to devote time and money to your interest and your home. You can be the center of your world and appreciate all good things in life just now. So that is interesting as we talk about marriage from our own perspectives, specifically today, because we did not do what we did on the past episode where we interviewed our husbands. This is from our perspective.
Scott [00:03:49]: What do I think my wife thinks of?
Rebecca [00:03:51]: Yeah, yeah.
Scott [00:03:52]: And then how wrong am I?
Rebecca [00:03:55]: Well, just try to put yourself in their shoes type of situation, really small feet. And think about it from their perspective. Because I think sometimes when we talk, I think we’re gonna talk a little bit about love languages a little bit later on. And one of the main takeaways is we often lead from what we want. And that’s probably not the best way because when we’re leading from what we want, we’re not fulfilling other people’s wants and desires.
Erin [00:04:25]: Which is hard.
Rebecca [00:04:26]: Which is hard because, you know.
Erin [00:04:28]: Anyway, so that’s how I was gonna frame this. Let me tell you what I know to be true. And then you and Scott jump in when you either also know something to be true or you believe something different to be true.
Rebecca [00:04:39]: Okay.
Erin [00:04:40]: So people get into marriages for a multitude of reasons.
Rebecca [00:04:44]: That’s right. We talk about this all the time.
Erin [00:04:46]: And often the reason is not just pure love and attraction.
Rebecca [00:04:53]: Well, and people define love very differently all the time.
Erin [00:04:56]: True, true. But typically there’s this inner child that is seeking some type of reconciliation that they then find in this partner. And you’re walking down the aisle to each other with all the hope and promise that this is just going to be a very different experience. Right. Or something that heals you in some way.
Rebecca [00:05:23]: Yeah.
Erin [00:05:23]: And I’ve mentioned before on this podcast that for right or for wrong, my black and white nature, my, like, pretty, like, specific way of thinking did not have me thinking what the rest of life was going to look like. And do I have I picked a partner that can weather all of those Storms. I guess it was a concept for me, but I’m certainly someone that has to live it in order to experience it, in order to. To then assess it. Sure. Right, sure. And so what I know to be true is that we walk down the aisle with these thoughts and these perceptions and these goals, and then when we are in the heart of the marriage is when our either inner child comes out to play. That we have never outwardly said to anyone. This is what I was hoping you were going to heal for me. How come you’re not healing this? Right. Or that? Like you said about the love languages, we’re so clear about our own point of reference and what we need that we sometimes fail to think about the perspective taking of what that partner may feel in our marriage or our relationship.
Rebecca [00:06:39]: Well, then don’t forget when you start adding, like children. Yeah, yeah. When you add to the dynamic or when you add extra things like just layers. Layers to that, it becomes more. Think about it. Traditionally, a lot of people don’t even live together before they get married. So you’re like living apart and then people come together and then all of a sudden you have to now live together and experience that. You have to combine income, you have to manage time like it’s. It’s a whole gamut of change. Yeah.
Scott [00:07:15]: And the age.
Rebecca [00:07:16]: Age. Yeah.
Scott [00:07:17]: Because the old get the more set in your ways you become. Harder for you to like, bend and accommodate someone else’s ways.
Rebecca [00:07:24]: Yes. And your brain chemistry, everything is different.
Erin [00:07:27]: If we had reckless abandon and we just threw out how we felt, how we thought, and we just focused on, would my partner say that he or she is satisfied, is happy, is having his or her needs met? If we just look at it from that perspective, I just think it’s such a fascinating question to ask. So let’s start there. If you were to just think about your partner, this is true for you too, Scott. And really get in their mindset, what do you think they would say about the current state of your relationship, the current state of your marriage?
Rebecca [00:08:13]: Right now, today? Sure, Right now, today.
Erin [00:08:16]: Well, I mean, is it different than it was yesterday or like Casey not happy right now in this season?
Scott [00:08:21]: I think Kelly would have nothing but good things to say.
Erin [00:08:24]: Hmm.
Scott [00:08:25]: I think we’re in a better place than we’ve ever been in our 20, almost 23 years of marriage.
Rebecca [00:08:32]: Mm. That’s awesome.
Scott [00:08:34]: So, yeah. So I think we would both. If you sat us down in different rooms and we were to explain it, I think we would come pretty close to the mark together.
Rebecca [00:08:43]: Oh, I love that.
Scott [00:08:44]: Really do.
Erin [00:08:44]: And this is the first time in. In how many years? You said in 23 years that you feel like you might both be on the same page.
Rebecca [00:08:51]: Yeah.
Scott [00:08:51]: We’ll be married 23 years in November. And, yeah, I would say that this is probably. There may have been some times here and there throughout the years that. That we were kind of, you know, together, but for the most part, we haven’t been. And it took us many years of growth, introspection, and therapy to figure out how, like, what we wanted and how we were going to get there and what it was gonna take. And thankfully, we both had the same ideas. Like, we both had the same goals. Yeah, there weren’t. That’s the thing. It’s like, if you have different goals, that makes it even more difficult for you to, like, get to that singularity, I guess, for lack of a better word. We have the same goals.
Rebecca [00:09:35]: Yeah.
Erin [00:09:35]: Mm.
Rebecca [00:09:36]: That’s awesome.
Erin [00:09:37]: What would Philip say?
Rebecca [00:09:39]: I think he would say that he wants more. More, More. More time together. We are in the season of devotion to our children’s activities, and it’s divide and conquer. And that means limited time together and limited time as a foursome. And that is the thing that we, as a couple value the most and are getting the least.
Scott [00:10:18]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:10:18]: And that I would concur.
Scott [00:10:20]: That’s the same with us. Like, we have. If we’re talking about what’s missing and where we want to be, definitely not enough time.
Rebecca [00:10:28]: It’s just not enough family time, not enough hours in the day.
Scott [00:10:31]: Scattered.
Erin [00:10:32]: And.
Rebecca [00:10:32]: Yeah, when you. I mean, I looked at the other day, I looked at my calendar. From now, it was. It was the beginning of May through the beginning of September. There is not one weekend that we have free. Not one to do anything. And I. And that means together, like, we’re dividing and conquering. Sometimes we’re together, sometimes we’re not. And it just sucks.
Scott [00:11:05]: Can I just interject real quick?
Rebecca [00:11:07]: Yeah.
Scott [00:11:08]: Trust me, you’re gonna blink your eyes.
Rebecca [00:11:10]: I know, I know. And we are trying our best to just. In. In.
Scott [00:11:13]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:11:14]: You know, we’re. We’re very conscious of, like. Yep, yep, yep. I know.
Scott [00:11:18]: Can make time.
Rebecca [00:11:18]: That’s right. That’s right.
Scott [00:11:19]: That time. And move on, because.
Rebecca [00:11:21]: Absolutely.
Scott [00:11:21]: Before you know it, you’re gonna be like, holy shit. We’re close to being. Well, not really close to being empty nesters, but, I mean, it goes fast. It’s potentially only a few years away as compared to, like, where you are.
Rebecca [00:11:35]: I know.
Scott [00:11:36]: In your journey.
Rebecca [00:11:36]: Oh, I’m Very aware. I’m very aware. I keep saying. Even I said to Taylor yesterday, I said, we only have you two more years. And I am very, very, very aware. Very conscious. Yeah. So that’s what he would say. We want. We want to be more conscious of that and we want more.
Scott [00:11:53]: So would you say the same? You would say the same, right?
Rebecca [00:11:56]: I would say the same, yes.
Scott [00:11:57]: Yeah. So you both are in alignment.
Rebecca [00:11:59]: Oh, very, very, very much.
Scott [00:12:00]: That’s good.
Rebecca [00:12:01]: Yes.
Erin [00:12:02]: God, I’m. I’m struggling with this one. What would Mark say? I view Mark as coming from a one down position pretty consistently. And so it’s hard for me to say how would he assess our marriage right now? Because I think a lot of what Mark has done in his life is had himself in a place where he’s just trying to keep up. He just wants to make sure that I’m happy. He just wants to make sure everything is going okay. And that’s often been at the. At the sake of having his own strong opinion about where things stand in our marriage. Does that make sense?
Rebecca [00:12:53]: Absolutely. But you’re also the go getter. The. This is my next thing. This is what I’m doing next. He’s not the one that comes to you and says, hey, guess what, Aaron, I would really like to build a house and here’s what we’re gonna do. He doesn’t come to you with the plants?
Erin [00:13:11]: No.
Rebecca [00:13:11]: But I don’t know if that’s because he doesn’t want to. I’m not sure.
Erin [00:13:18]: Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know either. Which is part of my hard part assessing this is I’ve never known him to be someone that wants to take the reins and make the plans.
Rebecca [00:13:28]: I don’t. My gut says no. My gut says he’s totally cool.
Erin [00:13:32]: I don’t think that that would be.
Scott [00:13:32]: Hard for, like, if being in a relationship with you. I think that that would be hard to. Just from the outside looking in.
Rebecca [00:13:40]: But I don’t.
Scott [00:13:40]: Trying to be funny. It’s like it’s the truth to come in with. With a plan. I would. It would almost be like. So I got this idea.
Rebecca [00:13:48]: I don’t. But that’s not his personality.
Erin [00:13:52]: I got an idea. Ah. Do you think?
Rebecca [00:13:54]: But I don’t. That’s never been his personality. He’s always kind of been the go with the flow type of guy. Like.
Erin [00:14:01]: Yeah.
Rebecca [00:14:02]: There’s certain things he’s.
Scott [00:14:04]: I’m kind of the same way, though.
Rebecca [00:14:05]: Yeah.
Erin [00:14:05]: But I’ve pushed on that a lot. You know, I’VE said something stupid like, would you rather go to the mall, or would you rather go to Five Below and then go grocery shopping? No opinion.
Scott [00:14:19]: Can’t we do both?
Erin [00:14:21]: We cannot. With my family, we can barely do one of those things because they have a capacity. And once they reach their capacity, I’m all done. So I think that’s an interesting part of this. If I have to get in Mark’s mindset and I try and do this often just due to the nature of my work, it is hard to assess where he stands on things because he either does not have strong opinions or that’s a conditioned response. Not just conditioned because of me. I know we’d like to all put that on me because I’m pretty domineering at times. But that’s what’s in his backpack, right? That’s what he brings into this marriage, is essentially sit down and shut up and go with the flow. You can have opinions about things, but you better not be pushing real hard. And so that can sometimes make it difficult for me to better understand, you know, what his perception would be. I would, though, agree with you that he probably is feeling the most stable and secure in our marriage that he has felt in 10 years, because we’ve gone through a lot, we’ve worked through a lot, We’ve had some really good conversations. The codependency in this relationship would lead him to believe that if I am more stable and happy and not as mad, then his presence is okay. I’m not saying that that’s healthy by any means, but he’s probably dictating how he’s feeling about our marriage based in Aaron’s overall feel. There’s actually a term for that. I think it’s called mirroring, emotional mirroring. That you essentially aren’t really having your own reactions to things. You’re picking up on the energy around you, specifically with your partner, and then having a reaction based on how they’re reacting. I do the same thing. You know, he was upset about a baseball game the other day, and I noticed myself taking on the feelings associated with, well, now I feel anxious, and now I feel like we don’t have an answer. And now I’m, you know. And that’s not how I feel about it, but I was just, like, absorbing it. Like a sponge. Absolutely. So it can sometimes be difficult to determine it. I totally get that based on that.
Rebecca [00:16:38]: Absolutely.
Erin [00:16:39]: So I’m hoping we could talk about love languages.
Rebecca [00:16:41]: It’s one of my favorite things. I do love the love languages, and I’ve Done it with my kids, too. The five Love Language is an actual specific thing that you can take this quiz and anybody can take it online. It’s free, it’s free to do. And there’s a book that discusses it, and there’s Love languages for your children and for your family and all these things. It’s actually really wonderful when you’re struggling to communicate. It’s an effective communication tool. And like I said, I’ve done it with my children to try to learn how to praise them appropriately and how to effectively communicate with them through that avenue.
Erin [00:17:17]: Love Language is for you. You are words of affirmation. Philip is acts of service. I am acts of service. Mark is physical touch. I know.
Rebecca [00:17:28]: Sawyer’s physical touch drives me nuts. That’s my last.
Erin [00:17:31]: That’s my least. That’s my least.
Rebecca [00:17:32]: She’s like a fricking stage five clinger.
Erin [00:17:34]: Yep, Yep.
Rebecca [00:17:35]: Can’t take it.
Erin [00:17:36]: Do you know yours, Scott?
Scott [00:17:37]: My love language is service.
Rebecca [00:17:40]: Oh, acts of service.
Scott [00:17:42]: Affection.
Rebecca [00:17:44]: When we talk about the Love Languages, it’s really important because for Philip, his is acts of service. So for him, he will clean the entire house, top to bottom. He will do the yard work and all this stuff. And I am so annoyed. I am beyond annoyed. I am like, could you stop doing those things? I could give two flying shits. I could care less if the dishes are in the sink for four fucking days. Do not care. Do not care. In fact, how many times have you come to my house and there’s four things. Garbage. Sitting in my.
Scott [00:18:23]: Oh, my God.
Erin [00:18:24]: Garbage is my favorite.
Rebecca [00:18:25]: Do not care. Do not care. And for him, he gets so angry with me and upset when I don’t recognize him for doing those things because he’s. Again, he’s not only he’s really doing them for himself, but that’s his way of saying, see how much I love you because I’m doing this for you so you don’t have to do it. Well, thank you. But.
Erin [00:18:48]: Yep. It’s such a great example of how if we’re just thinking about our partner’s perception, and if his perception is being viewed through acts of service, you’re failing miserably.
Rebecca [00:19:00]: Right.
Erin [00:19:01]: Not because you can’t, but because you don’t give a.
Rebecca [00:19:04]: Right. Like, I do appreciate it. Right. But at the end of the day.
Erin [00:19:08]: It’S not high on your list.
Rebecca [00:19:09]: That’s not right. Like, if you’re doing that to help me.
Erin [00:19:13]: Right.
Scott [00:19:14]: So what would it be?
Rebecca [00:19:15]: It would be, write me a letters, send me a text in the morning saying, oh, My God. Have the best day. I know that this is going to be a hard day for you. Come home and talk to me about my day because you knew it was going to be hard. Yeah. Spend time talking to me about things that matter.
Erin [00:19:32]: Hey, I knew you had an important meeting today. How did it go?
Rebecca [00:19:35]: Correct.
Erin [00:19:36]: You know, it doesn’t even need.
Rebecca [00:19:37]: Well, I would love it for be deep in connecting.
Erin [00:19:39]: This is why I’m her twin flame.
Rebecca [00:19:41]: That’s right.
Erin [00:19:41]: Because she does not get that from her husband. Oh, my God. My favorite story about Philip is that he went through the line. It was like Mother’s Day or something. He went through the line to get some beer and he was like, oh, shit, it’s Mother’s Day. And he just picked one up off of, like, the random, like, as you’re walking through the line. And you were like, this is the sweetest card I’ve ever received. Evening. He’s like, God. Got it. When I was getting some beer Today at the 7:11, I just picked it up.
Rebecca [00:20:05]: Thanks.
Scott [00:20:06]: But you know, it’s like if you’re dying of thirst and someone comes with a little tincture full of water, it’s.
Erin [00:20:12]: Like, oh, my God. I know it’s true. It’s the best water and it’s the most. I know, it’s so true.
Scott [00:20:17]: I’ve never tasted such wine before.
Erin [00:20:19]: So great.
Rebecca [00:20:20]: So I love that. So that’s.
Erin [00:20:22]: I get it.
Rebecca [00:20:23]: But I will go above and beyond and write these beautiful letters to him. And he’s like, thanks.
Erin [00:20:29]: But again, this is such a great example of how you both potentially could view it if you’re viewing it from your own lens and just be like, this just isn’t. This isn’t what I need to be fulfilling.
Rebecca [00:20:41]: Oh, wait. So Mother’s Day. Because we have. We’re at this past Mother’s Day. We were at soccer tournaments and all these things, Right. I got nothing. We didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day. I didn’t get a present. I didn’t get dinner. I didn’t get anything. The next. So the. And the house was absolute, complete disaster. The next morning, I got up super early, cleaned everything to a T. I took pictures of every single room, texted them to him, and then at the bottom wrote, happy Mother’s Day.
Erin [00:21:11]: I did seven quick things.
Rebecca [00:21:15]: Oh, good.
Erin [00:21:15]: Super quick. That you can do.
Rebecca [00:21:17]: Yes.
Erin [00:21:18]: They’re bullets. Strategies to bridge perception gaps.
Rebecca [00:21:22]: Oh.
Erin [00:21:22]: So in the event you’re at a stalemate, your partner. You think your partner would think something different. Here’s my. By my I mean, Marianne’s top seven ideas of what to do.
Rebecca [00:21:34]: Okay.
Erin [00:21:34]: First is deepen your understanding of each other’s world by sharing thoughts, feelings, and experiences. That’s really just code for start talking to each other about what’s working and what’s not.
Rebecca [00:21:46]: Okay.
Erin [00:21:46]: Second, nurture fondness and admiration. You love this. This one makes you feel super comfortable. Regularly express appreciation and. And respect for each other. Okay. So putting that out there a little bit more.
Rebecca [00:22:03]: Okay.
Erin [00:22:04]: The third is turn toward each other.
Rebecca [00:22:06]: Like eye gaze. Absolutely.
Erin [00:22:08]: Respond to bids for attention, affection, and support positively. I’m 0 for 3 right now. I’m 0 for 3. What does that mean? You love this. This one’s your favorite. When. When Philip tries to, like, indicate that he would like some of your attention, whether it’s eye gazing or hold your hand, I want to throw up. That you need to turn to each other and you need to engage. Four, let your partner influence you. Be open to each other’s ideas and feelings. Five, solve solvable problems. Address issues that have a clear solution through compromise and negotiation. Overcome gridlocking. Six, understand and respect each other’s dreams and aspirations. And then seven is create shared meaning. Build a strong sense of purpose and values that comes from a shared place.
Rebecca [00:22:59]: Thank you, Marianne.
Erin [00:23:00]: So in other words, that’s bullshit, and we’re not doing any of that. That’s a whole bunch of fluff and not a lot of reality. And no one’s doing that, Marianne.
Rebecca [00:23:09]: Try again. Try again, Marianne.
Erin [00:23:10]: That sucks. Here’s your affirmation card. My dreams manifest into reality before my. Before my eyes. Growth and change. Take a tangible step towards one of your dreams today, no matter how small. That’s right. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Wow.
Rebecca [00:23:28]: So until next time. Oh, yeah.
Erin [00:23:30]: Until next time. Keep feeling, keep questioning, and keep spreading more love.
Scott [00:23:36]: Unless they ask for it.
Erin [00:23:38]: Then don’t do it.
Scott [00:23:41]: Sam.
