Episode 206 – People Pleasing and Self Worth with the Happiness Hussy – Christy Holt

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;34;04
Unknown
Hey, it’s me, Erin. Thanks for joining us on the Moore Love podcast. Do not tell Rebecca, but this podcast is about empathy. She likes people to think she’s dead inside. But the truth is, she’s a big time feeler who has truly helped me uncover that empathy is my superpower. Here she comes. Hey, bestie. Hi, love. Money, Dylan. just getting ready to host a podcast.
00;00;34;06 – 00;00;59;10
Unknown
A podcast about what? life. Our life as best friends who are more like sisters are. I love us, and I can’t wait to share our stories with the world, especially the ones that involve us pushing each other right to be our most authentic selves. man. Okay. Scott goes from zero to past in 14 seconds. Now, I must ask the pendulum.
00;00;59;10 – 00;01;22;12
Unknown
I almost wrote this saying, Let’s ask this. Ask the Scott questions. The pendulum. Well, I’m going to buy your access to the whole episode. it says yes. yeah. Well, Scott, for us, Is Scott going to look like it? Let’s figure out what whatever guys are going to fire you. Whatever. Scott’s not going to know what to do with himself if we are not coming in here.
00;01;22;14 – 00;01;41;22
Unknown
How many times do we text them and say, Scott, get out of town? You got a fucking ladder? What do you want? My microphone’s up that fun shirt, the stained glass. And we’re like, Scott, we got to show you this thing that we did. I cannot. Scott, Why do you go from 0 to 2? Pissed in 14 seconds.
00;01;41;24 – 00;02;05;01
Unknown
It’s called stress. It’s called perfectionism. It’s called Why Everything worked fine until it didn’t work. Does it always end up working out? Scott got a guest waiting for us. Does it? Kristy is awesome. She’s fine. She’s not pissed. She’s from Canada. They don’t get pissed. They’re also not set up for me to be on the show. Okay, so.
00;02;05;10 – 00;02;26;25
Unknown
so now you’re pissing them off even more? No, he is fine. And it’s fine. Do we? Is everyone clear? This is Scott. It’s not a Scott impostor back there. Right, Scott? Does it always work out? Do you always make it work out? So what part of you 0 to 10 seconds isn’t thinking to yourself? Well, this might be stressful right now, but it’s fine.
00;02;26;25 – 00;02;56;15
Unknown
It always works out. Yeah, I don’t think that way. I think I’m aware. I think, Holy shit, I’m screwing up. What? What I am supposed to be delivering to my clients and just. Here’s a quick question, Rebecca. Do you ever. Have you ever will you ever feel, my God, what a screw up, Scott. I mean, I think that in my head, but I’ll never see an ad for sure.
00;02;56;17 – 00;03;15;08
Unknown
It goes again. I can’t get it right back out in the trade. I was trying to get him off. Scott At a scale of 1 to 10, when you see our names on the list of coming in, are you like, God, there we go. From a scale from 1 to 10, it’s one that means like, that’s the best luck.
00;03;15;10 – 00;03;39;07
Unknown
One is means number one. Yeah. One is your guest Can’t see me, so it’s probably really awkward. She knows who you are, Scott, you’re a part of the podcast. She’s fine. Kristy’s basically a threesome, you know? I mean, it is now. Today it’s the foursome. But I got Kristy here, too. Anyway, Scott, do we need to do any more of this session, or can we work on that?
00;03;39;07 – 00;03;57;18
Unknown
Because when you go from 0 to 14, I don’t think you’re mad at yourself. I think you’re mad at me. And I don’t like how I know you’re not now. But I do. I was not mad at you at all about it. I’m mad at the equipment not working. And then you get mad at yourself. No, I wasn’t mad at myself.
00;03;57;24 – 00;04;24;23
Unknown
If anything, I was mad at myself for overreacting. Okay. I love that self-awareness right there. That’s fantastic. And is that necessary to be able to be that mad at yourself with. You’re overreacting. You’re overreacting, He hates you. He stopped listening to you 20 minutes ago. You had. All right, whatever. Scott, get with the program. Move on. Ready?
00;04;24;26 – 00;04;45;17
Unknown
We got a guest today. Yes, you do. Baking a snack and baking. I heard Evan say snack and bacon. He’s really pissed out of it. Yeah, I know, because he’s talking about snack and bacon. I heard him all of a sudden, I heard in the background someone. Someone threw, like, a cup across the room, and I’m like, Whoa, Okay, Evan Everyone went to Duncan, and he brought some snack and bacon back, and he’s trying to.
00;04;45;19 – 00;05;03;00
Unknown
He did stop. No, he didn’t. He also didn’t bring you any snack and bacon. This is the second time today people have gone to Dunkin Donuts and not brought you something I brought up. I got it. that’s. I mean, that’s not the way he’s something that is. Yeah, that’s why it’s. Yeah, it’s the only reason that he’s good.
00;05;03;00 – 00;05;19;27
Unknown
He actually has it together. It’s snack and they. that’s really sweet. That’s nice. It’s because he was inspired by us, you know who didn’t? You and you. Not only that, but you got yourself a snack and bacon. You got me a snack and bacon and you got yourself a fat bastard’s sandwich, know? And then you were like, He’s got nothing.
00;05;19;29 – 00;05;42;13
Unknown
Absolutely nothing. Sorry. The fat bastard producer as well. It’s fine. Moving on. It’s fine, but all right. I guess today, Yes, we are really excited. Kristi Holt is with us today. Hi, Christie. Hi, ladies. Super excited to be here. Yes, we’re really excited to have you. We I’m going to give you a little fair warning here. We have had a lot of guests in the past.
00;05;42;13 – 00;06;16;22
Unknown
When I say a lot, I mean, for four and maybe five. And we really enjoy having guests. But one of the things we realized on one of our recent guest episodes was that Rebecca is not her true self. Say we have. let me rephrase that. Rebecca struggles with opening her mouth when we have a guest. Okay. And Rebecca, part of what makes this podcast, this podcast is the fact that Rebecca always thinks something very different than I do.
00;06;16;23 – 00;06;39;00
Unknown
She has very different opinions. She is much more in-your-face than I am, and I will have this conversation with you today, Kristi, And it will feel like a therapeutic session at the end of it. It’ll just be really beautiful between the two of us. And then at the end, Rebecca will be like, Well, here’s all the things I was thinking during the session, and I had to say to her, Say it on the podcast.
00;06;39;00 – 00;07;03;04
Unknown
That’s why people paid the big bucks to listen to us. So this is fair warning, Christy, that I have prepped Rebecca that she needs to authentically, which is really apropos for today’s session, right. Be herself and ask her questions and put herself out there when questions come up for her. That said, Christy, I have no clue what’s about to happen here.
00;07;03;10 – 00;07;28;07
Unknown
And so I want you to know you have a friend in me. She doesn’t ever trust me with the topics, right? Because that’s how you get true genuine responses because it’s raw in the moment. I literally have. I just knew your name, right? I know. Exactly. So that’s just a little heads up. You’ve totally seem like someone who can completely hold your own in all conversations, which I absolutely love.
00;07;28;07 – 00;07;47;25
Unknown
But I want you to know if you need a little support. I’m here for you because we do not know, not what is that? You’re acting like I’m going to end. No unhinged, no start, girlfriend. I’m here. That’s right. Love it, Christy. Love it. So we will start our session. I still don’t know why we call them sessions.
00;07;47;26 – 00;08;09;19
Unknown
Because they are. Because you’re a therapist. So we have that brought our intentions to the deck today for our conversation with you. And again, I know nothing about what we’re going to talk about. So I just brought my intention to the deck to say, guide us in this conversation and show us some things. And so I pulled the two of cups, which is partnership, okay?
00;08;09;22 – 00;08;31;16
Unknown
And they are the Jesus Cup chalices, and there’s two of them should be three. So we can all have wine. Yeah. And it’s just going to be me and Christy because you don’t get it right. You know, I can handle it anyway, right? There’s a dolphin, which is. Okay. God, what am I doing in there? Okay. this is wonderful.
00;08;31;16 – 00;08;58;15
Unknown
Yeah, we’re going to do. We’re going to do. Scott, give us your best dolphin impression. Go on. Really good. Wow. Whoa, whoa. Time to head to the mat. Speaking of dolphin sounds, what are you about to say? Are you and I went to Disney World this past time at our Christmas party. Merry Christmas party. We went to the Monsters Inc Laugh House or whatever the hell that’s called.
00;08;58;16 – 00;09;16;07
Unknown
Yeah. And did they not shine the light on me and make me pretend to be a reindeer and do reindeer? So yes, right in front of the whole. In front of the entire studio. They’re like, What’s your name? You’re like, Rebecca. They’re like, Rebecca, why don’t you be a reindeer? You’re like, Okay. Yeah. That’s why I put my hands up and I had to make reindeer sounds.
00;09;16;10 – 00;09;43;22
Unknown
And I was like, I don’t want to do that. So. Okay, so partnership. This card predicts love, equality and a meeting of hearts and minds which benefits all of your relationship from friendships to romance. It also reveals a commitment or promise such as an engagement or marriage or emotional investment in a shared project. This is a healing card, so if your relationship is tested, you recently, it reveals that all will be well.
00;09;43;23 – 00;10;00;16
Unknown
You can expect someone close to you to show their love, know that you are trustworthy and dependable. So the advice is to appreciate the love and trust in your relationships. Which is so interesting because Erin’s been a royal bitch for a while and she just disclosed that she got herself some help, but now she’s all much better. So.
00;10;00;18 – 00;10;20;23
Unknown
And now you believe in our relationship once again? I’m back. I’m back. I’m back. And this is absolutely perfect because a lot of what Christy is going to be talking about today is authenticity. It’s going to be talking about your best self. She’s going to talk a little bit about an experience that she had surviving a difficult divorce and co-parenting.
00;10;20;23 – 00;10;44;09
Unknown
She’s going to be talking about personal boundaries and people pleasing and just a lot of the stuff that we talk about on this podcast in terms of empathy, a lot of our listeners, Christi, are in the helping professions in some way, shape or form. They’re very caring, loving, wonderful people. And one of the questions that has continued to come up with this group of people is, yes, I want to embrace my loving, wonderful self.
00;10;44;09 – 00;11;05;12
Unknown
And at the same time, I don’t want to be a pushover. I don’t want to constantly get railroaded by other people. How do we know when enough is enough? How do I embrace that feminine, wonderful energy that I bring to the table, but also make sure that I’m honoring my authentic self? So we specifically chose you, Christina, last week to talk about.
00;11;05;12 – 00;11;28;09
Unknown
Yeah, you know, it’s me, Kristi. She’s. Rebecca doesn’t even know what Facebook is, let alone find you on the podcast group. But so you refer to yourself as the happiness hussy. Is that right? Yeah. Tell us a little bit about that and a little bit about you. Yeah. You know, honestly, the the title Happiness has sort of came about by accident.
00;11;28;09 – 00;11;48;04
Unknown
My cousin was sort of teasing me for being so positive and kind of said it in a sarcastic way, but I was like, Hell yes, I am claiming that and I’m going to repurpose the word happiness. Well, not the word happiness, but the word hussy along with funniness, because I am on a mission to ultimately spread happiness across the world.
00;11;48;06 – 00;12;15;17
Unknown
And it’s perfect that this card came up, actually, because I generally focus my my work on relationships because everything that we experience in this world is in fact a relationship. And at the core of that is ultimately the relationship that we have with ourselves. And that is actually the cornerstone to creating the happy life business, impact, relationships, you know, everything that you want to create in your life.
00;12;15;19 – 00;12;47;03
Unknown
Absolutely. I would say it takes people, women, specifically an incredibly long time to get to that one point realization that you just said it’s all about relationships, but it starts with the relationship with ourself. How did you arrive at that place? How did you get there? You know, I went through a pretty crummy relationship with my ex-husband. And ultimately it wasn’t about him.
00;12;47;03 – 00;13;05;13
Unknown
I mean, of course he was part of it. But ultimately, what I really can recognize now looking back was that this was a relationship that I had with myself was causing most of the problems in my relationship. And I had this sort of like, holy shit moment, if you will. Apologies If we’re not supposed to swear on. No, we’re going to bring it on.
00;13;05;13 – 00;13;27;21
Unknown
Yeah, Good to know. I might throw a few more in there. Sometimes words just need more judging, so that’s great. But I have this holy shit moment like I was in my relationship and I was not happy and I was looking at all of the problems that I was seeing around me in my life, in my marriage with my partner and I forgot to look at myself.
00;13;27;24 – 00;13;47;00
Unknown
And so I had this holy shit moment like, my God, wait a minute. I’m the common denominator in every one of my problems. I’m there. And, you know, channeling a little Taylor Swift here, like I’m the problem, it’s me. And I was like, my God, it’s me, it’s me. And then I realized, Well, hold up a minute, because if I’m the common denominator, I’m involved in all of them.
00;13;47;00 – 00;14;15;21
Unknown
I can also be the common solution. And so I really started to shift my focus onto things that actually can make a fucking difference. And that’s changing me. When you were noticing that you were the common denominator, were you noticing that you were a common denominator in a negative away? Like were you in some ways, like negatively drawing things to yourself or in what way were you the common denominator?
00;14;15;23 – 00;14;36;04
Unknown
Yes and no, depending on the situation. I mean, ultimately I just realized I am the staple person in all of these issues. And so if I’m the common thread, right, there’s something to be looking out for myself. And yes, I absolutely looking back now, I can see that I was I was doing a lot of complaining. I was doing a lot of venting.
00;14;36;08 – 00;14;52;19
Unknown
I know that, you know, and I give my self grace for this because in fact, when I was complaining and venting, it was because I didn’t feel heard. Like, it’s not like I had a, you know, a big you know, it didn’t really benefit me, but I just wasn’t feeling heard, which is why I continued to do it.
00;14;52;21 – 00;15;14;29
Unknown
And I didn’t see anything changing. And then it slowly dawned on me like, Well, hold up a minute, I’m doing a lot of complaining, but that’s actually not fruitful. It’s not actually helping anything. It’s actually just keeping me focused on the problems. And now I have I have 14 for teen who is not 14, but that’s too many for teenage boys.
00;15;15;02 – 00;15;32;20
Unknown
my God. The four is is plenty. And I tell them a lot because they they will bicker a lot and they really get harping on the problem. And I have to remind them really regularly and myself, we’re human. We forget so easily, so cute like that. But, you know, if we focus on the problem, we experience more of the problem.
00;15;32;22 – 00;15;51;19
Unknown
And if we focus on finding a creative solution, we actually free up brain space that otherwise would have been wasted. And so if we want to be at our greatest capacity for creating the life and the love and the impact that we desire in the world, we’ve got to focus on the one thing that we actually have the power to change, and that is ourselves.
00;15;51;21 – 00;16;16;17
Unknown
So whether that be the way that you are responding and engaging in creating the situation or simply reacting to it. Right, and moving yourself from a reactive response to a more intentional chosen response is actually you standing in your power. You don’t always have the ability to change what’s going on around us, but we do always have the power to choose how we are going to show up in that moment.
00;16;16;20 – 00;16;45;18
Unknown
Even very sometimes it sure doesn’t frickin feel like it, right? It very much appreciate the fact that you’re teaching your teenage sons. Yeah, this concept, because I just don’t have a lot of faith in humanity or I don’t have a lot of faith in the way people our age are raising their children today because they’re raising their children to be victims, to be catered to, to not take accountability for anything.
00;16;45;21 – 00;17;09;26
Unknown
And then they become the adults. And this is why we have these problems in my mind, because I raise my children very similarly to you and you get to choose your response no matter what. I mean, as simple as getting a gift at Christmas time, you choose your response, you choose the lens you’re looking at it through. And that is a lifelong lesson that I don’t think a lot of people really, truly understand.
00;17;09;29 – 00;17;33;03
Unknown
So I very much appreciate that you’re teaching not only your children, your teenage children, but boys. Yeah. And, you know, I think what’s really tricky is that when when we’re in the muck, at times, we don’t feel like we have a choice. And so I want any listeners out there to recognize that I see you. I get that when you’re right in the shit pile, it doesn’t feel like you have an available choice.
00;17;33;03 – 00;17;58;13
Unknown
It feels like the world is just happening and there’s nothing you can do. However, that’s not the truth and the only reason that you’re feeling that way is because your survival response mechanism has kicked in. It is literally put your brain on power save mode right where we’re trying to be efficient and like, don’t die. Like, that’s the only it’s not really reasonable, it’s not rational, but that’s what our brain does.
00;17;58;13 – 00;18;27;19
Unknown
It’s like, don’t die right? So it focuses on survival and any other creative, helpful, logical solutions are kind of pushed aside while we’re going through this initial survival response. And so ultimately, the key here is learning to navigate that survival response, anticipating it. It’s going to come up from time to time and giving yourself the resources and tools to navigate through that so that you can find your way to that choice because it is always available.
00;18;27;21 – 00;18;45;07
Unknown
You know, it’s funny, we talk a lot about how your brain just is different when it comes to empathy and how you view the world and what you’re saying to me, I do not have that part of my brain that goes into survival mode. When something happens, I’m immediately like, okay, we’re going to ship, we’re going to shift.
00;18;45;07 – 00;19;13;25
Unknown
Right now, there is there’s not a lot of times in my life that I can say that I was in a woe is me or a I’m I every I’m the bit I’m, you know, like people need to help me mentality. And I’m I actually view one of my superpowers as immediately being able to pivot and move in a completely different direction and a great all that other stuff is that are raised in a lot of ways.
00;19;13;28 – 00;19;40;10
Unknown
Yeah, right. So this is so fascinating. I frickin love this because this whole time that we’re having this conversation, you two are on the same exact page. Okay? I’m way back at the starting line. I know, because it takes you forever. I’m not sure you guys have gone from 20 to the age of 55 in learning lessons in the last eight, 7 minutes.
00;19;40;16 – 00;20;08;06
Unknown
And I’m over here way back at the part where she’s at survival mode. And I’m looking to myself. Survival. Let’s think about survival. So this whole time I’m sitting here, I everything you’re saying, Kristy, I’m like, I love that. That sounds really great, but I mean, not positive if I’m on board with it or buy into it or can understand it because I’ve not connected it enough with my own personal experience.
00;20;08;06 – 00;20;25;21
Unknown
So as you’re talking, I swear to you, for the first time in all of these podcasts, I’m like, I will fall in your faces. And that’s like, Get your shit together, go get your face another minute. Give me a minute. Right. But let me tell you what I got. Let me I’ll get there. You know, hopefully by the end of the frickin show.
00;20;25;25 – 00;21;22;05
Unknown
Let me just get there for a minute. So what I can relate with Kristy is we talked in the last episode, otherwise known as Session, about how I very much can relate with being in survival mode, but not even recognizing that as me being in survival mode. So for me, I think a lot of what I’ve done in life has been to lessen myself, to decrease my sensitivity, to fake it till I make it, to allow myself to accept partners who don’t have the same level of communication skills, who to allow myself to say, well, it’s okay to have all of these friends around me and to give to them if I’m not getting back
00;21;22;05 – 00;21;53;02
Unknown
at the same depth. But the reason that I’ve been doing that, which is a very recent acknowledgment for me, that’s what I said, takes me a long time to get here, is because if I did not do that, I would never be in a relationship. I would never have friends, I would constantly be lonely. I’d constantly be living at a standard where I was expecting people to give back at the same level of intensity and connection, and I would be incredibly lonely.
00;21;53;05 – 00;22;29;27
Unknown
And so my excuse, my survival tactic, because I also noticed that I was the common denominator. I’m like, I’m always helping other people. I’m always giving more of myself to everyone until I can’t give anymore. And then I still give more. I’m constantly surrounding myself with people who need help in some way. I’m constantly choosing partners who in some way, shape or form either need me or are not to the level that I need them to be.
00;22;29;27 – 00;22;51;06
Unknown
And it’s not for lack of not wanting those things. It’s for having looked everywhere I could possibly imagine to find it, never finding it, and then feeling like I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t mean to say that I’m settling or that I have settled, but that I was in this survival place without realizing I was there until very recently.
00;22;51;06 – 00;23;19;29
Unknown
Having read the book Codependent No More, and coming off of my Prozac, which we talked about in the last session, and really getting to a place where I was like, Wow, I can be me and I can authentically resonate with who I am as a person and recognize that there’s been some things I’ve been doing in a survival capacity to lessen the feeling and the brunt of what that is so that I didn’t have to feel X, Y, and Z.
00;23;19;29 – 00;23;47;23
Unknown
Those two things can coexist. But I’m telling you, it took me 42 years of my life to get there. So that’s how I can relate with that. Now, you to fill in, are you talking about the same thing I am, or are you just like eons ahead of where I am right now? Well, you know, I have lots lots of personal experience with people pleasing and perfectionism, which sounds a little bit like what what you’re describing there.
00;23;47;25 – 00;24;08;25
Unknown
And I think that here’s the real rub of it, is that empathic people who are sensitive, people who have a heart to give, and I genuinely think that this is most humans to a degree, some of us more so than others. We want to make others around us happy. We want to love and give and nurture the people in our lives.
00;24;08;25 – 00;24;33;13
Unknown
That’s a natural desire. Now, that’s that’s not a problem. That’s actually I think, you know, the way nature made us, because we are not meant to live alone. We are meant to live in community. The problem lies when we don’t have boundaries and we are consistently over giving and then we feel resentful, we feel frustrated, we feel unseen, we feel lonely, we feel like we don’t have anyone.
00;24;33;16 – 00;24;55;06
Unknown
And this is actually kind of by our own doing because we are, first of all, in the entire act of people pleasing is in now hold on for the whole ride here. It is sort of a form of manipulation now, not with a negative intent. I know that none of none of these people have a negative intent. They actually just genuinely want the people around them to be happy.
00;24;55;08 – 00;25;18;00
Unknown
But there is this deep need probably from childhood trauma, from not being seen or heard or loved. And this need comes out in a way to seek this validation, this approval, this love, this acceptance from other people. Now, again, it’s not intentional. Most of the time we don’t have a fucking clue that we’re doing it. It’s just happening.
00;25;18;00 – 00;25;48;24
Unknown
So we’re seeking this from external sources. We’re looking to people around us to validate us, to say you’re okay, you’re worthy or worth accepting. You have value. And the real problem here is that, first of all, you’re typically contorting yourself and giving not out of a genuine desire to give every time. Because if you’re giving with an expectation of receiving a certain response, right, you’re not giving freely.
00;25;48;29 – 00;26;10;04
Unknown
You are giving. It’s a contractual exchange that the other person doesn’t have a fucking clue they’re involved in, essentially. And so it is this sort of form of manipulation, which I know people get real squeamish around the word manipulation, but again, no ill intent, but you are trying to elicit a certain response or a certain outcome. It might even be avoiding conflict.
00;26;10;06 – 00;26;33;25
Unknown
It can be really sneaky. So the problem is, is if we are not ourselves, if we are not authentically ourselves, we are never giving anyone the opportunity to see us for who we truly are and what we want at the deepest core of our being is to feel like we belong, to feel as though we have value, to be loved and accepted for who we are.
00;26;33;28 – 00;26;51;25
Unknown
And yet if we’re wearing masks and we’re people pleasing and we’re over giving and we’re doing all of these things to effort to get people to love us, we are not actually being authentically ourselves. And so there’s always going to be this little part that says, Well, if they knew the real me, they might not feel this way.
00;26;51;25 – 00;27;13;02
Unknown
They might leave if they knew what I really felt, they might not like me. And so there’s this sort of fear of abandonment and this fear of not being loved that permeates all of our behaviors because it’s such a core belief running deep within us that it can’t not affect the way that we’re showing up in the world.
00;27;13;08 – 00;27;36;27
Unknown
So ultimately, we do need to figure out who we are and stop right there. Hey, it’s Scott coming to you from inside the bubble. How do you like the interview so far? It’s pretty interesting, right? Well, the moral of podcasts is going to be switching over to a subscription based service. I mean, Rebecca has got to pay for those hair extensions in some way, right?
00;27;37;00 – 00;28;03;29
Unknown
So at this point, this is where if you’re a free viewer, this is where the interview would end. There’d be a little discussion afterwards and that would be the end of the podcast. But I figured they said, you know, cut it off. I said, No, Rebecca, Aaron, let me take care of this. And so I said, Let’s show people what it would be like had they subscribed.
00;28;03;29 – 00;28;25;10
Unknown
So what you’re going to see from this point on is all the extra stuff. If you were a subscriber of what we’re going to call even more love, it’s an extra feature that’s going to be available to people who will like to pony up for even more love. What’s coming next is what you will be missing if you don’t subscribe.
00;28;25;13 – 00;28;48;14
Unknown
Now back to the show. And when I was back in my marriage, I suffered, I call it very lovingly, just a marmite ass, which essentially is to say I didn’t know who I was outside of being my kid’s mom. You know, I was in all the other parents cell phones as Jayden’s mom, but did they know my first name?
00;28;48;14 – 00;29;12;17
Unknown
Even I don’t even know. Right? And so I really lost track of who I was. And absolutely, motherhood changes us in the most incredible, amazing ways. And I am not they’re not suggesting that we can go back to a time before that. That’s not possible. We’re always evolving. However, there is space in motherhood for us to discover who we are as an individual person.
00;29;12;20 – 00;29;42;13
Unknown
You know, without the labels, without the the titles, without the job descriptions. But just at our core and what I discovered about myself in that time was at my core, I am love. And it wasn’t honoring that love within when I was over giving and people pleasing and trying to measure up and not holding boundaries and hanging on for dear fucking life with my fingernails just to survive.
00;29;42;15 – 00;30;00;06
Unknown
Now I need to know now I have a lot of questions for you. I knew it. I knew it. You see, my daggers come out here. Here we go. Because I love every single thing she just said. Now, a hundred years now she’s switched to my wavelength. Now she’s going slow enough for me to be able to understand and get in depth.
00;30;00;06 – 00;30;24;13
Unknown
And how are you feeling? I mean, I feel great, except for the fact that I and I don’t know how to describe it. Like I figured all of this out in high school. I figured out I’m not a people pleaser. I am not going to pretend I’m not putting on a mask. I am not going to be somebody who I’m not going to be.
00;30;24;20 – 00;30;48;07
Unknown
I remember distinctly I was a we were very active in our church, Lutheran. And when you’re Lutheran, you become you get confirmed in 10th grade and the pastor was talking to us girls and boys, and he was describing what we should wear because in Catholic you wear the white like Mini Brite outfit, whatever. Like when you’re getting your first communion, whatever.
00;30;48;10 – 00;31;08;02
Unknown
And he said, Boys, you’ll wear a suit or a shirt and tie and girls, you wear dress. I immediately went home and I bought a suit. I bought a man’s suit, and I wore it to get confirmed in a church. And not anybody was going to tell me I wasn’t going to do that. Interesting. You know what I love?
00;31;08;04 – 00;31;29;16
Unknown
I story 15. I got my haircut into a pixie cut. Well, yeah, when I was 16 and everybody called me a lesbian. I didn’t care. Scott. I’ll be sending you that. Yeah, just so we’re clear, Go ahead and call me a lesbian. I don’t care. I don’t need to have friends. Like I had friends and I had people in my life.
00;31;29;16 – 00;31;53;27
Unknown
But I am not a people collector. I don’t care if I raise my hand and I see something that you don’t like. How did you get that way? I’ve always been that way. I think I was born that way. My mom tried to change me. She’s like, You cannot change things like that. And I’m like, Why? Because it might hurt someone’s feelings or make them think a little bit differently.
00;31;54;03 – 00;32;23;02
Unknown
She’s like, They may not like you. I’m like, And so you don’t have any fear not associated with loneliness? No. You know, I feel incredible. I’m not alone and I’m out and I have the people in my life that I want in my life. But how did you get those people? By being me. You either want to be around me and you want to learn more and you want to connect or you don’t.
00;32;23;04 – 00;32;45;26
Unknown
I don’t need to convince you to be a part of my life because that’s too much work and effort and it’s not who I am. I’m not going to go to a class to learn how to get a job and society say, You need to dress this way. You need to not make that person feel, you know, in a job interview, threatened by you, this, that and the other.
00;32;45;26 – 00;33;14;20
Unknown
Well, what now? I’m going to wear a dress. I’m not wearing a suit, which is ironic. I’m wearing a suit to my confirmation, but I have never owned a blazer since then and I have never owned a pair of dress pants. And I will never put those two things together, ever. I will go to a job interview with my six inch heels and my pencil skirt, and you’re either going to like it or not, because when I show up to work and work for you, that’s what I’m going to look like, period.
00;33;14;20 – 00;33;39;14
Unknown
You know, this is this is the picture of complete self-worth, which is ironic because I don’t, do I? But I don’t feel that way. I don’t look in the mirror and say, Man, you’re really nailing it like that’s mine. I’m just well, this is this is what’s confusing to me. This is where I’m over here assessing the entire situation.
00;33;39;14 – 00;34;04;18
Unknown
I know, but I have always felt like I have personally worked on Rebecca’s self-confidence with my own bare hands. Yes. Because I don’t view myself as a self-confident person. 15 out of the 20 years. Yes, but that is first five years. I was just stunned the whole time. I was just confused. It’s just like I think I’m a wild, wild, wild card.
00;34;04;18 – 00;34;33;07
Unknown
Yeah. For the last 15 years, just so we’re clear, we met in a professional capacity. Erin and I met as coworkers. Right. And what a ride it’s been since that first day. But I think why this is confusing or interesting to me is I’m not kidding. I say for the last 15 years, crafted with my own hands, saying to her, I’m confused about why your feeling this way.
00;34;33;07 – 00;34;54;19
Unknown
Instead of feeling this way. I’m confused about why you’re allowing this person to dictate this. And so those things are so separate to me that you’re not faking it. I, i, it is very true that it is a and this is who I am. This is what I’m going to wear. Party on party people in the Yale Library kind of person.
00;34;54;22 – 00;35;21;00
Unknown
Right. But how those that connected with self esteem is not the same. It is. Are you agreed? And here here’s a great example. I say all of all of those things and then I act like that. So let’s say in the work force, I do act like that. I’ll send it, I’ll send an email that’s very straightforward, and then I’ll have pushback and then I’ll call Erin and go, my God, I totally offended that person.
00;35;21;00 – 00;35;46;17
Unknown
I don’t know. I need to apologize. And then I go overreacted overboard in the apology, correct? Yes. Because I think, I came out too strong. I came out too hard because I am a mold of I am molding, I am learning. I am trying to always be better. So I view my I’m going to be authentic. But then I’m like, maybe that wasn’t the nicest.
00;35;46;24 – 00;36;13;20
Unknown
Or so. Yeah, I think what you’re saying, Christi, that’s so interesting me specifically about Rebecca, is that it is not the case that authenticity and being yourself and pushing yourself to the world is always synonymous with self-worth, with acceptance, with, you know, being fine with who you are and with an unwavering confidence that authenticity and confidence are not necessarily aligned.
00;36;13;20 – 00;36;34;19
Unknown
And that’s what’s throwing me off, at least for me, right? At least for me. And then specifically in the work environment, because my entire life, because I’m authentic and because I show up a certain way, the message I receive is, you don’t belong here. You’re not good enough. You don’t deserve to be at the table. You’re too wild.
00;36;34;19 – 00;36;55;10
Unknown
But that doesn’t make me walk away. It doesn’t make me walk away. I still show up every day. I still show up with my same energy. I still show up with my same information, hoping to learn more. But I will never change who I am at my core to make somebody else feel more comfortable. I will not.
00;36;55;12 – 00;37;14;13
Unknown
So what do you make of that, Kristi? Well, I. I think that authenticity is ultimately sort of a foundation. But you’re right. Confidence is something that can build on top of that. And it sounds like. Rebecca, what you’re talking about is a little bit of imposter syndrome, a little bit of not feeling like you’re measuring up, maybe a little perfectionism woven in there.
00;37;14;20 – 00;37;39;21
Unknown
And of course, we all, you know, have different displays of our our little inner traumas that we might have experienced. I also grew up feeling like I had to be perfect. And I actually found myself honestly feeling like I wasn’t good enough and that I was too much at the same time. Which is a very interesting paradox because it’s essentially between a rock and a hard place, and neither direction will help you win that game.
00;37;39;23 – 00;38;01;06
Unknown
And so ultimately leaning back into, you know, this self-confidence, it’s not that you’re confident in every situation, but you’re confident in who you are, right? So different types of confidence, the kind of confidence that radiates out into the world actually comes by showing up and doing the things like it’s like motivation. We don’t sit on the couch and wait to get motivated.
00;38;01;06 – 00;38;17;19
Unknown
We do the things and then the motivation follows. Same thing with clarity. People often think, I just need to figure out what the whole plan is before I take the first step. But the truth is, the clarity reveals itself when you start taking just the very first next step. And so confidence, I feel, is in the same way.
00;38;17;19 – 00;38;40;12
Unknown
You can be confident in who you are and showing up as as the authentic version of you. But that doesn’t mean that you’re going to feel confident and everything that you do. It’s not that you’re necessarily going to feel confident in putting yourself out there that requires not just confidence, but vulnerability, right. To express yourself in that way, to be seen, to be heard.
00;38;40;13 – 00;39;10;03
Unknown
That’s it. Our ability. I do not like that. I do not like to be there. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s the vulnerability. And this is what’s coming together for me. This is why we’re twin flames, because I have the confidence of an F. And I know even when you said it, even when I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about, you will make it up and you will say it so that people are like, What’s going on in the mall?
00;39;10;03 – 00;39;34;24
Unknown
Yeah, it’s a bookstore That’s always been a bookstore, right? You didn’t know. You didn’t know it. Yes. Okay. But here’s what’s fascinating about this, right? So what you bring to this relationship is I am who I am, and I’m not going to change that to make you feel comfortable. I’m just authentically myself. I have the confidence that says this is where I’m at and this is what I’m doing.
00;39;34;24 – 00;40;00;29
Unknown
This is where I’m going. You can move the heck out of the way. And I have thought for the longest time that that was associated with authenticity. I am 85% authentically or have been myself. This journey as I’ve moved into 42 has been about are you authentically the person who wants to give until you have nothing more to give?
00;40;01;01 – 00;40;24;07
Unknown
Or is that a byproduct of needing to do the people pleasing that is the small fine tuning is. Here’s a couple tiny examples. I don’t want to meet with the person who sends me an email and says, Hey Aaron, We connected three years ago about such and such a topic. How is concerned center going? Can we connect? My authentic self says no, we cannot.
00;40;24;07 – 00;40;42;01
Unknown
I’m I’m very busy very interested to hear that things are going great for you happy about that. But unless you have something that’s going to move us forward in a correct direction, I don’t have time to chit chat. 85% Authentic Erin before this time said Absolutely. Here’s a link to my calendar. Right. And then I’m pissed the whole time.
00;40;42;01 – 00;40;58;06
Unknown
I got to have this half an hour meeting because I’ve wasted the time. What have you said all the time? No, we’re protecting your calendar. You don’t have time to talk to people. I’ll take care of it. Right. So the other examples will be people will constantly reach out and will say, I need help with this. Can you help me with this?
00;40;58;06 – 00;41;19;28
Unknown
Can you find me a support person for this? I 85% authentic. Erin has said, my God, absolutely. That’s who I am. I’m a helping provider. I’m happy to give of myself to you at the extent of myself. I will stay up until 12:00 at night researching for your child and make sure that you have that. Is that authentic?
00;41;19;28 – 00;41;45;29
Unknown
Erin No, that’s people pleasing. Erin Authentic. Erin says you are capable. Here’s a link to Psychology Today, right? Please let me know if you’ve narrowed it down to three therapists and I’ll give you my opinion on those three. So the boundaries are yes, right. Again, of Prozac. So what’s really fascinating about all of this is that you have had the authenticity all along, the confidence.
00;41;46;02 – 00;42;05;11
Unknown
And I’ve had the confidence with the 85% authenticity. The reason it’s important for me in this moment to even talk about 85% authenticity is because I’m very clear I was not a fake version of myself pushing that out to people. So similar to what you said, Kristi, I am that person who cares deeply at core, there is no doubt.
00;42;05;11 – 00;42;26;27
Unknown
Yeah, where it got overextended was in the childhood trauma associated with not being seen having gigantic feelings that weren’t tended to, and feeling like I had to continue to over give. Because if I didn’t over give, I had no worth and no value. And I want to be clear that it’s not that I don’t care. I actually care very deeply.
00;42;27;04 – 00;42;47;26
Unknown
But I learned a long time ago that I have to have the boundaries or I will be up until two in the morning doing all of those things and then not being seen because you didn’t follow through with it. And now I’m bitter about that. Yes. And reeling and this, that and the other. And you’re down the rabbit hole and you’ve now lost everything about what you were planning on doing, Correct.
00;42;47;26 – 00;43;06;11
Unknown
So I learned that way long ago and had to rein in it. So it is it is not that I don’t care because I do. Yep. And and what’s here’s what else is fascinating. Kristi, I’d love to get your intake on this your take on this let’s not intake we’re not doing an intake session. We got to take on therapy.
00;43;06;13 – 00;43;29;26
Unknown
Sorry. Now I lost my conception. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Just the good. I want your take on this. Yeah, but what was it about? What are we talking. We’re talking about me going down the rabbit hole and that I actually do care. She cares. You cared deeply. I have also cared. My confidence has been what has allowed me to get to the place where I am.
00;43;29;26 – 00;44;03;13
Unknown
I think I was going to say something about that. Something along the lines of it has been my confidence or my clarity around that. That has helped us fake it till we’ve made it. But what’s interesting about that is that in this year, 2024, there’s an interesting role reversal that’s happening where I’m finding myself still confident but leaning into you more to be like, Do I really like to do that?
00;44;03;16 – 00;44;20;06
Unknown
Is this really what I like to do? Is this what I want to be doing? And this is where you coming to that conclusion? So much quicker? You will say, we’re not taking our phone call. You don’t have time to take the phone call. I’m still over here. Perceive reading about the fact who was it? What was the relationship?
00;44;20;06 – 00;44;42;13
Unknown
Let me go back and look at my notes. Is it worth while? Right. I’m leaning more into allowing you to be the guide associated with that authenticity. Because yes, I know myself, but you know me in such a different way. And in some ways, you know the true version of myself better than even that. People pleasing version. Right.
00;44;42;14 – 00;45;02;12
Unknown
And that has been vulnerable. Yeah, For me, yeah. The vulnerability I do feel comfortable with is I will put myself out there. I will be very confident. I will tell you that here’s how things go. That is very true and authentic. But that vulnerability has also been a guide for us. Whereas for you you’re like, I’m putting any of that out there.
00;45;02;12 – 00;45;29;12
Unknown
I don’t want any of that to happen, right? It’s really, really interesting. How does vulnerability play into this, in your opinion? Christi, I mean, vulnerability is a crucial piece of building meaningful relationships. And like I said, everything is relationships. So this is really important piece to get on board with. I want to touch on a couple of things that you said because I want to offer a couple of tweaks.
00;45;29;12 – 00;45;55;09
Unknown
Number one, fake it till you make it. That’s something kind of bullshit. We shouldn’t have to fake anything. We I like to say instead of fake it till you make it be it until you see it. Because it is about showing up authentically as yourself, you know. And it does require vulnerability to show up authentically as yourself, because the chances are and I mean by chances, I mean like 100% chance someone’s not going to like that, right?
00;45;55;11 – 00;46;24;05
Unknown
You make them question their beliefs that they hold about themselves, and it’s far more important for them to be right than anything else. And so it really most of the time has nothing to do with you and everything to do, whether they’re facing their own insecurities, which is probably why Rebecca is just like, I don’t care what other people think or say, because she has already grasped this idea that, quite frankly, everyone is just worried about themselves and how they’re showing up and they really actually don’t care that much and not in a mean way.
00;46;24;10 – 00;46;41;06
Unknown
But it’s not that important. It’s not the top of mind. They’re top of mind for themselves. So honestly, no one else’s. Whereas worried about you as you are about yourself. And there is a great piece available in that. The second thing I want to touch on here too, is there’s a very big difference between being nice and being kind.
00;46;41;09 – 00;47;08;22
Unknown
And being nice, actually, nice means pleasing and agreeable. Okay, so this comes from all this good girl conditioning that we had growing up, being told from the age of two that we are girls that are meant to be nurturing and giving and kind and nice and share and do all of these things if we want to be a good girl and there’s so much pressure for us to show up and be quote unquote good according to societal standards that we often shove aside, that 15% of us that doesn’t fit that mold.
00;47;08;22 – 00;47;29;25
Unknown
And so while you’re right, we were probably not being inauthentic, but we’re also not allowing that that 15% probably has to do with the vulnerability and showing those parts of ourselves that someone probably once said isn’t good enough or they don’t like it, or your emotions are too big. But it was never about you. It was actually always about them.
00;47;30;00 – 00;47;52;08
Unknown
But we take that, we internalize it, and we shift who we think we are because of these experiences and circumstances. So most often, while we believe we’re being completely authentic, we’re missing the curiosity piece that says, But who am I? Is this the belief that I choose to hold, or was this one given to me? And I just accepted it, right?
00;47;52;10 – 00;48;21;23
Unknown
And there is that leads to a lot of speaking. It told me, make it because we’re sure completely who we are, because it’s scary, it’s risky, it’s vulnerable. It might result in more pain. And as humans, we are designed to avoid pain at all costs. So if it feels like it might lead to something really risky and again, in our brain is usually going off like, my God, my die, like it makes it way more extreme than it is.
00;48;21;26 – 00;48;40;18
Unknown
But here’s where we might not sure up bubble. I was just going to say I have the in my mind the best example. Well, let me let me say say this here’s the Rebecca bubble. Here’s the Kristi bubble. Here’s the Erin bubble. And then there’s this fourth bubble that we just said go like, this guy is still pissed off back there.
00;48;40;18 – 00;49;12;21
Unknown
Whatever. 0 to 14. Scott’s angry. Anyway, the other bubble is society, and society is perception that society decides to state it. And then liberal thinking liberal. Gosh, I can’t. And here’s my example. My example is it My, my, my daughter? We live in New York. My daughters go to public school in New York. Everything’s about fairness, equality, inclusivity, all this bullshit, Right?
00;49;12;24 – 00;49;37;19
Unknown
And I feel very strongly about that, right down to the fact that my child’s not allowed to bring invitations to school to invite certain people to a birthday party because somebody might be offended. Sorry. That’s like number one. Number two, my version of kindness is you need to be nice to everyone. Yes, you need to be polite, nice to all the people in your class.
00;49;37;22 – 00;49;56;04
Unknown
You do not need to like everyone and you do not need to include them in your life. And if we’re going to have a birthday party, the kind thing to do is to on the side have conversations with people and not bring it up in front of anybody else who might not be invited because that’s when feelings get hurt.
00;49;56;06 – 00;50;18;03
Unknown
We don’t need to shove things in your face, but we don’t need to include the entire class because somebody’s feelings might get hurt. Yeah, Nice is like fitting into the mold and doing what you’re supposed to do. And being tolerant is being yourself with boundaries and the boundary to me. I’m not going to shove it in your face, but I’m not inviting you to my party because you’re fucking weird and I don’t like you.
00;50;18;05 – 00;50;43;00
Unknown
I’m like, I’m sorry, that’s real. But what is that? What? That I don’t like you. You’re out and we’re not that. Our boys are crustaceans. They’re all right. You know what? I’m just trying to give a broad example of What about it? Is that that’s not society in your mind. That’s what that society in. In. Yeah. In school in New York.
00;50;43;02 – 00;51;05;14
Unknown
Liberal teaching is we need to include everyone and everyone deserves to be here. No. Interesting You don’t. Why? Why are you equal to me? Equal to that equal. But here we all deserve to go to school. But here was my answer. I frickin love this so much because I can’t help it. I get really angry. That’s your example.
00;51;05;21 – 00;51;36;27
Unknown
My example to what you said, Christie, was this. My career in student affairs changed drastically because I was in circles, liberal school with particularly white men. Sometimes it was the white women which made me irate when it was white women who could not embrace the authenticity and the realness and the strength that I would bring to the conversations.
00;51;36;29 – 00;51;58;05
Unknown
And so I had to learn and condition myself along the way. That’s not going to go over very well, and you’re going to get a bad performance evaluation. What if you speak your mind or if you have an opinion? Yeah, I mean, that’s that’s an example. Or you need to be this particular way when you’re with this person and when you’re with this person, you can be this way, right?
00;51;58;11 – 00;52;21;11
Unknown
And we learn, well don’t, don’t do that. Right. Do something different. But I got to tell you, I went as far as I did in my career through that awareness and social awareness of the fact that we, particularly as women, are very much conditioned to happen, have to ever been. We’ve in the societal creation of what it is that we’re supposed to be doing if we’re going to ever get any.
00;52;21;11 – 00;52;40;25
Unknown
But that’s exactly what she’s saying. She’s saying, you’re faking it. You’re not being authentic. Right? You’re calling it I need to be a certain way in order to progress here. But you’re not being authentic at all. You’re playing the role. But what I’m saying is, whereas that might be, you know, what you’re in, you need to be more authentic.
00;52;40;27 – 00;53;06;00
Unknown
I want us to really be clear about that society bubble that similar to what you said before. Chrissy we have to play certain roles because not because we’re stupid, but because we’re frickin intelligent and able to manage the systems of oppression that have been put in our paths as women, specifically minority women have it worse. I know, I know.
00;53;06;04 – 00;53;29;14
Unknown
And I can I can hear that and I can see that. And we have to be aware in which that society bubble plays into this whole entire conversation. We can talk about authenticity all day, but similar to what you said, Kristy, in some ways, the authenticity that we show up as, as manipulative or as constructed as it needs to be is a survival tactic because of shit we did not ask for.
00;53;29;18 – 00;53;49;15
Unknown
But we have to navigate. But now single touch eating the problem because we continue to play those roles and you’re teaching the people below you the balance, right? Because which is why I got the book out. But if you ever want to get to a stage where you can have an you have to play the game in some way, shape or form, but are you really going to have an impact in that environment?
00;53;49;16 – 00;54;07;27
Unknown
I would say no. I don’t know. I would say no. I don’t know because let’s say I was. The student affairs vice president. Right. And then all of a sudden I get to a place where I’m sitting at some tables where I’m able to push the boundaries a little bit more than maybe what I had before, or maybe I need to work for someone who is able to hear something more.
00;54;08;00 – 00;54;28;08
Unknown
I now have a division of 500 people that I can be more of a role model to for me maybe got out before that because I can’t play those games anymore. Right? And that’s nice. So there’s a higher education. There is always a cost. But isn’t this what women are constantly trying to battle with is how much am I willing to endure?
00;54;28;13 – 00;54;48;28
Unknown
What is that putting up against in terms of our authenticity? How can I still be myself but also play the game as much as I need to? How do I sit at the table with these people? And then at what point do I decide that I’ve just given up so much of myself? If people play so much, or in my case I shut my mouth too much, that now I’m like, Y’all stupid, I’m done.
00;54;49;00 – 00;55;06;11
Unknown
But then I decide I have to leave and go run my own business. Why? Because he nobody going to tell me what to do in my own business. But maybe that’s where I got way back in high school. I saw the writing on the wall real quick and I knew I wasn’t going to play the games, so I never aspired to even pursue that.
00;55;06;13 – 00;55;28;25
Unknown
It was very. So I told you when we were resident directors, I’m like, I never want a title. A resident director, even that was too high of a title. But is that because you genuinely didn’t want the play the game? Yeah. Or was it that you like? Yeah. Was it that you didn’t want the responsibility associated with having to play the game, or was it that you just genuinely weren’t interested in that?
00;55;28;25 – 00;55;47;17
Unknown
Because it would be sad for me is if you were genuinely interested in that and then you didn’t do it because you knew you didn’t want to play the game. I do think a lot if I was genuinely interested in it, I would have played the game because that’s it’s one that’s worth it, right? What, you didn’t think that you knew right away This is not or it’s not worth it.
00;55;47;17 – 00;56;06;14
Unknown
It’s not going to give me any sort of outcome that aligns with any sort of values or any sort of desires I want for my future. So I’m real clear then I’m not playing the game in order to be put in these situations. I’m not saying yes to extra things because now all of a sudden I’m put in this in this role and I’m all of a sudden getting different tasks thrown at me that I want nothing to do with it.
00;56;06;17 – 00;56;25;04
Unknown
I just was very clear about that. Right. Of course, abandoning yourself and isn’t exactly a fucking higher cost to pay. Agreed. And so those are the things I’m teaching my kids right now. I mean, my daughter is only in ninth grade and I look at her, I’m like, You can make that choice. But I’m telling you right now, this is how it’s going to play out down the road.
00;56;25;04 – 00;56;50;16
Unknown
And if you like that, good for you. Yeah, it’s just important for me to be clear that the role of authenticity is not always just as simple as be the person that you are, no matter what. Because there are costs associated with being the person that you are for writer for wrong. Whether that’s you don’t get the promotion, you don’t continue to move up.
00;56;50;16 – 00;57;33;03
Unknown
You can’t continue to stay in the same relationship. Your children hate you, right? Whatever the case may be, authenticity is often the goal that we strive to achieve. And it’s important for me to frame authenticity in the context associated with choices, societal expectations, values, to use a word that you use all the time. Right? I might be willing to forego some of my authenticity in this small little space because there’s a bigger goal for me here, whereas I’m willing to adjust my authenticity.
00;57;33;03 – 00;57;52;00
Unknown
I don’t want listeners to get the feeling that you’re either authentic or you’re not authentic, and you’re either a lying fake piece of shit who can’t get your shit together or you’re so well actualized that you just are constantly authentic all the time. I can’t think of one human being in the world that is authentic one 100% of the time.
00;57;52;00 – 00;58;27;19
Unknown
That’s so not realistic, you know? Yeah, I’m just. I’m just saying that I think you have to. That I think it’s okay to be in the room and be like, I don’t agree with this, but I’m going to do it because I know this is what the group wants. I think that that’s okay. I think that if we’re making the conscious choice, right, with the awareness, you are sacrificing part of your authentic being to make it happen and recognizing the cost involved, which is abandoning yourself, that’s at some point you’ve got to say this is too fucking much.
00;58;27;26 – 00;58;57;08
Unknown
Generally, if you’re resentful or you’re frustrated, your your ill in any kind of way, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, those are signs that you have probably too far. You’ve probably, you know, the cost is too high for you. Otherwise, you know, and we do this without knowing. So there is that part of it too. But this conscious awareness that you have a choice to make, you can conform, you can do what you’re supposed to do.
00;58;57;08 – 00;59;24;20
Unknown
You could be the good girl or you could say, Forget that that requires too much of me, and I’m not willing to abandon myself to that extent. And I think that you hit something for me, at least when you said if you physically feel ill or whatever I say all the time. In my opinion, 90% of your physical ailments are, not actual physical ailments, they’re emotions trapped in your body, their reactions to the things you’re doing, saying whatever.
00;59;24;20 – 00;59;45;08
Unknown
And it’s most likely because you were told this is how you need to be, but your body and everything inside was like, I don’t feel that way, right? But you continue moving forward because you’re like, But this is what society expects. This is what my schooling expects, this is what my parents expect. And then you have IBS, which to me is bullshit because IBS is not really a thing.
00;59;45;08 – 01;00;08;14
Unknown
It’s called anxiety stress. All these things when they can’t call it anything. Dr. Rebecca In the house, everyone medical degree, I mean, come on, let’s be real clear about our medical system in the United States. Here we go. That’s the next podcast. I got her all fired up. Thanks. I mean, it doesn’t. I’m just nice. The emotional pieces of the puzzle end without, you know, incorporating the emotional aspects.
01;00;08;21 – 01;00;24;16
Unknown
I don’t know how many times you go to a doctor saying you have a concern. They ask you about the physical symptoms. They don’t ask you what’s going on in your life. Have you experienced some kind of trauma or are you going through something extra stressful? No, they don’t actually consider that. And without considering that, they’re not looking at the whole human One time.
01;00;24;18 – 01;00;42;09
Unknown
One time, Kristie, I had a massive in my left back cheek. And if I went to the doctor and they said to me what Rebecca said to me, which was, well, tell me a little bit about the pain in your butt cheek. Are you angry by chance? Because Rebecca told me the pain in my butt. She was related to anger.
01;00;42;12 – 01;01;02;16
Unknown
And it was I’m walking right out of that doctor’s office just so we’re clear. Her chiropractor told her it was from ill appropriate shoes that she’s worn for 20 years. But all of a sudden last week, it’s bothering her like, okay, hey, that bill, let them know that you’re getting rid of those shoes. I think that in jest, too, because I do very much.
01;01;02;16 – 01;01;19;27
Unknown
I especially as a therapist, to buy into the emotional components. A lot of people dotted with what you’re talking about, a lot of people don’t very much interconnected. A lot of people don’t. And a lot of people take a lot of pills and they claim they’re helping them, but they’re really just becoming addicts to their pills. But I have I have a lot of feelings about that stuff.
01;01;19;28 – 01;01;52;09
Unknown
You do. I couldn’t tell a lie. My feeling, Christi, she went from 0 to 14. Scott, I’m I’m coming over. I share a lot of those feelings because I really feel like the medical thing all doctors and again, it’s not their fault. They also got into it to help people. But hey, we don’t know what we don’t know and when we’re not taught the full picture, maybe because the information wasn’t available, maybe because the information just wasn’t shared, maybe it’s because we have beliefs in the West that our way is better.
01;01;52;11 – 01;02;13;00
Unknown
It doesn’t make it true. It just makes it the way that it is. And so I personally have a whole human sort of perspective. I think that, you know, I love reading the works of Gabor Monty because he talks a lot about this, about how we are as a Western medical sort of situation, missing a lot of really important pieces to the puzzle.
01;02;13;02 – 01;02;40;09
Unknown
And I know that we all believe that it’s just a physical thing, but the truth is it’s not. There is actually a huge link between people pleasing and cancer amongst other long term chronic illnesses. And in fact, they’ve even they’ve even discovered that there’s lots of lots of chronic illnesses can be due to neural plastic pain. Right. Which is to say it’s not in your head, it feels real.
01;02;40;11 – 01;03;05;20
Unknown
But the root is something within you that’s perpetuating maybe a trapped emotion, something that you haven’t allowed to be processed. Right. Trauma that wasn’t processed properly gets trapped in your body and it does throw things out of balance. Stop your face shows done. Thanks Christine I think Chris Christie is your new best friend. Good guys. I’m going to call her.
01;03;05;21 – 01;03;29;16
Unknown
Right. Everything I do now. Yes. The best thing that’s going to happen for me, thank God. Christie. Thank God. And I’m not saying I’m not open minded and I’m not saying any of these things. And I certainly want people to have their own beliefs and I want them to be different. I value differences of opinion. In fact, I don’t think we should all think the same thing.
01;03;29;19 – 01;03;49;23
Unknown
I agree we should have separate groups of people. I don’t think everybody should be on the same page at all times. I think there’s going to be, my God, it’d be terrible. It’d be terrible. But I’m tired of people getting criticized or ostracized or whatever because they feel and think a certain way. It offends somebody else. That’s fine.
01;03;49;23 – 01;04;05;08
Unknown
And you want to know why you feel like that? Because we’re going to get an email after this show. I’m going to be coming after me about all the things I said on this podcast to piss people off because maybe they don’t recognize your voice compared to Bible. Whenever we get a fricking e-mail, it’s always, always like, You did this.
01;04;05;09 – 01;04;20;28
Unknown
I needed this and I didn’t like this that, I didn’t like this. And I’m like, I’m sorry, that was Rebecca. But they’re like, Aaron did Aaron did Aaron. And I’m like, Whatever it’s handed to me, I hold this shit. It’s totally fine. So, you know, you keep you keep saying your shit over there. It’s totally fine. Come on.
01;04;20;28 – 01;04;44;08
Unknown
Me anyway, I again, it’s not about me about that. That’s my authentic selfishness about them. If I’m, if I’m triggering. Right. Yeah, it is fine when it comes down to me anyway. Well, you know, I’ll tell you what the truth sometimes hurts. And we should all remain really curious because we can learn and grow without being open and curious.
01;04;44;08 – 01;05;02;17
Unknown
And so if you hear something that is upsetting, it, first of all, don’t you don’t have to make it mean anything about you. You don’t have to make it mean that you’re wrong. It just means that someone sees something differently. Right? We’re all seeing the world through our own very personal, unique lens. Like literally out of 8 billion people.
01;05;02;17 – 01;05;26;27
Unknown
No one else has experienced life the way that you have. We have had similar experiences. Yes. But the exact experience that you’ve had that has led to where you are with your beliefs and your understanding about the way the world works. Now, that’s that’s only you. And no one else is going to agree with every single piece. So if you are upset by other things, this might be triggering to you.
01;05;26;27 – 01;05;51;07
Unknown
It’s your responsibility to look at why that’s upsetting you. Right? This is about radical responsibility, taking responsibility for the only thing that you can change and that’s you. Okay. And doesn’t that circle perfectly back to a concept of authenticity? And that authenticity begins with you. And when you notice yourself having a trigger, something’s come up. You’re ready to write a nasty email.
01;05;51;07 – 01;06;20;12
Unknown
You’re ready to be the Karen at the manager station talking about whatever you’re pissed off about. If we took a moment and sat with why we were having our own reaction to that instead of firing off, why we’re pissed at shit about someone else doing something, wouldn’t we be in a more authentic sort of comfortable place of understanding ourselves better and focused on that path to authenticity?
01;06;20;14 – 01;06;52;04
Unknown
Because authenticity is not always a beautiful place. I found a lot of things in my own almost that autistic, often times different things, very different in our own authentic self that I was not super excited about, that I didn’t love, in fact, that I hated. So let’s not also think that authenticity is this beautiful, wonderful place of I am who I am regardless, and then I get to be as irresponsible as I want to be with that because you’re going to hear exactly what I have to say.
01;06;52;04 – 01;07;24;12
Unknown
Yeah. To circle back around to empathy, to more love. The goal is to have curiosity. To your point. Christie Kindness and to acknowledge that when we’re all in this together and we’re trying to figure it out, we are in our best possible place of being able to move forward as changed authentic people than we are. If we want to just sit on our own island somewhere and decide that I’m most comfortable with this current version of myself, and you’re going to hear about it before the end of the day.
01;07;24;14 – 01;07;49;05
Unknown
Aaron I want to stir the pot a little bit because I want to challenge your breath, your spitting in and then trying to make it work. And I really, really feel like the way to change the world, the way to make a difference because we can’t change anyone else, is to be so authentically okay with ourselves, be showing up so authentically us, unapologetic about it.
01;07;49;07 – 01;08;18;18
Unknown
Now, again, with kindness, with love, with the intention of living in a world with community, because that’s how we are intended to live. But by doing so, you give others permission to do the same, right? That is the way that we can affect change. And so if you are going to a job, not not necessarily again, this isn’t specifically for you, Erin, but for those out there who are going to a job where they feel like they can’t be in their own integrity, they’ve got to wear a mask, they’ve got to show up a certain way.
01;08;18;18 – 01;08;45;27
Unknown
They’ve got to be professional. They’ve got to cater to the patriarchy or even double, we’re not being authentically ourselves. And what that does and this is sort of what I learned through going through this divorce, this moment of like I thought I was protecting my kids by staying in this relationship because society told me that it was wrong to get a divorce, because society told me that I would have a broken home if I did choose myself.
01;08;46;00 – 01;09;28;25
Unknown
And the truth is, I realized what I was teaching my kids was to settle for less, to put up with bullshit, to potentially grow up and mistreat their future spouses in the same way. And I realized the only way I could change that was by choosing myself, by choosing me going for being authentically me, cutting out the people, pleasing, putting in healthy boundaries and being able to communicate those has allowed me to not only leave that relationship, but show my kids by going first, giving them a permission slip and a direct route to creating own happiness in their life instead of people pleasing their way to the top and realizing they had abandoned themselves to
01;09;28;25 – 01;09;52;27
Unknown
get their like, that’s not a way to create a happy, healthy, peaceful life. And I definitely wanted to show them the right path so that they could create it themselves. And I think this is the same in in women. If we band together and we say, forget it, we’re we’re not buying this patriarchal nonsense anymore, we’re going to start doing things our authentic way, whatever that is.
01;09;52;27 – 01;10;23;06
Unknown
Because you know what? Men and women, we’re all we’re all unique. You all have masculine, we all feminine. If we can start recognizing, you know, our unique strengths and even our unique weaknesses, which I think actually are often like our perceived weaknesses are actually strengths. And maybe we’ve been told that they’re no good. And so by embracing and just allowing those shadow parts of ourselves that we may have resisted and hidden away to just be a natural part of our full, all authentic self, we can find the freedom, right?
01;10;23;06 – 01;10;43;26
Unknown
We don’t have to abandon ourselves. We can be free to be ourselves and by doing that, we give others permission to do the same. And imagine a world where everyone feels free and comfortable and safe to be who they are meant to be. And to me, that’s the only way that we can actually find the love that we’re looking for.
01;10;43;26 – 01;11;05;13
Unknown
Because if you’re not showing up as yourself, you might find people who like and love you. But again, if you’re not being who you are, then it’s just a matter of keeping up the charade out of fear that you might lose if you were actually, you. I’m 65% in on that. I got I got to be honest with you.
01;11;05;13 – 01;11;25;27
Unknown
And I know that’s surprising and it might be surprising to some some listeners. It’s not surprising that you feel that way at all because you are indoctrinated into the way the world is supposed to be. This is how this is the game. This is what you do know that that actually wasn’t what I was going with, what I was going with is I don’t think that authenticity is a place that we arrive.
01;11;25;29 – 01;11;44;20
Unknown
I believe that offers that authenticity. Like before when you were in your right, Kristy, weren’t you just being it until you saw it being, be it till you see it, right? It wasn’t that you weren’t being authentic. I would just agree. I think still being authentic. I was being who I wanted to be. But that’s that’s what I was saying.
01;11;44;20 – 01;12;03;27
Unknown
Were you not being authentic? You just didn’t know what you needed to know. And as you started to come into your own and realize some things a little bit more, then you saw it and then you could be something different. But it wasn’t the case in my mind that you were inauthentic. While were in your marriage, and then all of a sudden became authentic when you left.
01;12;03;29 – 01;12;24;01
Unknown
Because I think a lot of women could hear that as I either have to be authentic and and focus on myself and do what I have to do and set my boundaries because that’s authentically who I am. I think it’s a process of becoming, I think is what I’m struggling with. I don’t think it’s the case that you just all of a sudden are this authentic version of yourself.
01;12;24;01 – 01;12;41;02
Unknown
You don’t just always know what authentic is for you until you’ve had experiences to be able to come into that a little bit more. I think it depends on the person and the journey. I think that at the end of the day, people know who they are. It’s it’s are they willing to it? Are they willing to dig deeper?
01;12;41;02 – 01;13;04;17
Unknown
Are they willing to go there? Or is it easier to remain in the people pleasing and being what other people need them to be? Specifically when you’re younger that right there, what you just said, and I would probably agree with that, Christi. What I I wasn’t being inauthentic. Like, I don’t feel like I was faking it all the time, but I was not being my fully authentic self.
01;13;04;17 – 01;13;31;19
Unknown
So that may sound paradoxical. I was holding back. I was wearing masks. I was still performing. I was still acting in the way that I thought that I had to and should act to get the outcomes that I wanted. It was, again, essentially a form of emotional manipulation in the situation. I wasn’t being fully, authentically myself. Again, I feel like there’s there’s this authentic and inauthentic and there’s a whole spectrum in between.
01;13;31;21 – 01;13;53;17
Unknown
So maybe our era, maybe it was like 85% authentic. Yeah. And the other 15 was masks that I was wearing to pretend. I was someone other than who I actually was. And I actually believe that becoming is not the word I would use. I get the gist of what you’re saying with that. To me. You are already her, you are that you are already your authentic self on some layer.
01;13;53;24 – 01;14;15;18
Unknown
It’s about stripping away and unlearning. It’s about unconditional in your mind from all the bullshit that you’ve bought, the stories, the experiences, everything that has changed you away from who you authentically are. And if we can see that way and unlearn by saying the same thing. Now this is how it’s different and this is what I love. This is the approaching it from curiosity.
01;14;15;18 – 01;14;34;25
Unknown
This is how people have really meaningful, right? Because you’re not pissed at me, Christie, And I’m not pissed at you. We can literally just have this conversation. You two, I believe, are coming from a place of you’re born with your self and you need to peel the onion away to figure out who is that person. At the end of the day, I don’t believe that.
01;14;35;01 – 01;14;59;14
Unknown
I believe that we are not born with an authentic self, that we become an authentic self through our experiences that I think frames. If you go back and listen to this podcast based on what I just said, you’re going to hear it in a very different way because we are approaching it with a different philosophical underpinning about what is authentic city, how one becomes authentic.
01;14;59;16 – 01;15;27;09
Unknown
And what I love about this is Kelly up the street had said to me recently, We need a place for this podcast. Well, whether it’s Telegram, whether it’s on the Facebook post that we have where people can actually comment in and chime in and have these types of conversations, This one for me feels like we would have so many thoughts and opinions and feelings and people are like, my God, I get it.
01;15;27;13 – 01;15;44;12
Unknown
I don’t agree with that. my God, I can’t believe you just said that. And I love that this is a controversial topic. And and I love it because this is this is what it’s about it is about. Not me saying to you. No, no, no, Chris, that’s not how we do it. You know, we become our authentic selves.
01;15;44;12 – 01;16;12;09
Unknown
And you being like, no, no, no, Erin, we don’t. We’re born with that shit, right? It’s about cool. That’s interesting. I love how you’re seeing it that way. And you and Rebecca, That’s why I love I love Rebecca so much. She believes to her core and it leads to some really brilliant conversations. But this is why one of the things we’re really focusing on in 2024 is creating an environment whether it’s on Telegram or whether it’s on the Facebook group where we can have these continual conversations.
01;16;12;09 – 01;16;42;05
Unknown
Because when we do get emails from people who are like, I thought about this, this resonated with me in this way. Tell me more about this. That’s the good stuff. That’s why we’re doing what we’re doing and why we’re creating conversations matter. Yes, right. And yes. And that’s why I feel very strongly about creating these groups in these communities, because to have these conversations is so important specifically for women who do not feel like they can live there as an authentic selves.
01;16;42;05 – 01;16;58;07
Unknown
And how do they in fact, we we both we both put up a pole the other day about what what they would like to hear from us if we were to have conversations. And the only people want to hear from the only topic from me is authenticity. That everything else for you is like a thousands of things but me.
01;16;58;07 – 01;17;19;12
Unknown
It’s being authentic because I think it’s it’s just really clear and I’m really comfortable there. And I think that other people want to be there so badly but are more on a pendulum is maybe the wrong word because I don’t think people necessarily swing back and forth, but it can feel that way because typically when you’re when you’re a people pleaser and I’ve just never been a people pleaser, so I cannot see that.
01;17;19;12 – 01;17;37;17
Unknown
Yeah, but yeah, I think I think that there’s so many schools of thought and I can see what you’re saying 100%. It makes so much sense to me. And I can see it from your perspective because I know you so well and I know you, but I also am very clear that that’s not how I’m going to think about it.
01;17;37;17 – 01;17;55;06
Unknown
And you will not convinced me to think about it differently. But I can see it so clearly from you and it makes so much sense. And I can ride that wave all day and have all the conversations and be like, You’re so right. This this pivotal moment totally allowed you to be the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But to me, but to me, deep down, that’s her peeling back the onion and finding her yourself.
01;17;55;06 – 01;18;18;01
Unknown
But it’s fine. It’s fine. Fine. So, you know, in there, it’s fine. It’s both. That’s true, right? You can be serious. Peeling back the onion and becoming at the same time. So why not leave openness for both? And nothing in this life is either or. Despite what we may have been led to believe, there is no either or.
01;18;18;01 – 01;18;35;15
Unknown
Everything is an option on a spectrum. So if you open yourself up to more than just black and white and right and wrong and good and bad, you will see life on a beautiful spectrum of all kinds of possibility. None of them have to be right or wrong. I actually don’t think there’s anything that is right or wrong.
01;18;35;18 – 01;18;59;29
Unknown
Someone’s gonna give me flack for that. But given the information, I know people have said, well, I think we would all agree that like, you know, I don’t want to station a lot of people. Yes, I agree that it is not ideal. But you know, in a grand scheme of things, we assign the meaning of what’s right and wrong and so if we can just leave space for possibility in between, we will find a much more free experience of our life.
01;18;59;29 – 01;19;18;21
Unknown
So invitation to see both Christy, I’d love for you to join our more. I love the official more love Facebook group if you have time, because I do think that some people will be wanting to chat about this or will comments associated with this episode and that will at least be a spot where we can initiate the conversation.
01;19;18;23 – 01;19;40;15
Unknown
I think you’ll be hearing from Rebecca and I more as we continue to have to develop our empathic edge business that we started very recently that is really talking about the sub context is empathy with boundaries. I can see you really fitting in to a lot of those conversations. I know you’re an international author. I know that you’re a speaker.
01;19;40;15 – 01;20;00;02
Unknown
I know that you also have your own podcast. Any of our listeners are also interested. Kristy is on podcast is called Create Your Happy and she is available basically anywhere you can get your podcasts. I know that many of you will be interested in hearing more from her if anyone would like to get in touch with you. Our new favorite Happiness hussy.
01;20;00;02 – 01;20;34;17
Unknown
How might they do that? What’s their best way to get in touch with you? Well, from everything in one place sort of standpoint, you can find pretty much all the information about all of my books, my podcast, my courses, my programs, all of the things on my website, which is Coach Kristi Holcomb. And of course, all the social links are also there at the very top of the page, if you’d like to stalk me in some way on social media as well, and stay part of the party because yeah, I do have a lot to share about relationships and boundaries and people pleasing and all of these things are actually topics that I have covered
01;20;34;17 – 01;20;58;24
Unknown
on my podcast this season. So yeah, I have lots to share on the topic and look forward to hopefully conversing with some of the listeners inside of the group. Love that. Yeah, thanks for thank you for our time together. Thank you specifically for being here in a way that allowed Rebecca’s authentic to be safe. Thank you for seeing us in many of the other.
01;20;58;26 – 01;21;15;02
Unknown
So we were trying it out today and I think you were a perfect person to try it out with. So we really appreciate you being here. This is a really wonderful conversation I’m sure people will be writing in. And I hope you do join our Facebook page so people can comment right at you. Thanks for spending time with us today.
01;21;15;02 – 01;21;41;02
Unknown
It it’s nice to meet you. Yeah, it was an absolute blast. And thank you both for being authentically yourselves because like I say, that’s the permission slip that we all need to stop again. Scott, from the bubble, you would have missed all of that if you weren’t a subscriber to even more love. But in the coming weeks, we’re going to tell you how you can unlock all that extra footage, all those extra moments of even more love.
01;21;41;03 – 01;22;00;26
Unknown
Just go to the More Love podcast dot com and we will tell you all about it. Now we’re going to pick up right here. This is the end of what you would see from the free version. Doo doo doo doo doo doo. That interview was intense. I loved everything. I know you did. It was great. She did it.
01;22;00;26 – 01;22;30;20
Unknown
With every second of it. She spoke my language. Yep, Absolutely spoke my language. So crystal clear and validated everything I felt and thought for a long time. What about authenticity? About people pleasing, about boundaries, about. And it’s funny, I’ve said this to you all the time. You always say to me, You’re so good at boundaries. And I’m like, If somebody were to ask me what my weaknesses, it’s boundaries because I don’t define it the way you define it.
01;22;30;23 – 01;22;54;11
Unknown
What I heard you say was setting a boundary to you just feels like an extension of your personality. It doesn’t feel like a boundary. It just feels like innately who you are. You don’t want to take this meeting. You don’t want to do this thing because that authentically is you. Right? But I also heard you say that in your mind, the boundary is a negative thing.
01;22;54;14 – 01;23;17;10
Unknown
Are you saying boundary, as I understand it, is a negative thing? That’s what I don’t know. Okay. I’m telling you what my brain is saying. A boundary is because I don’t think it’s correct. The way I’ve found a boundary I don’t think is correct. I think it’s wrong, which is why I’m so resistant. When you say you’re really good at boundaries, I’m like, I don’t like that.
01;23;17;16 – 01;23;41;00
Unknown
But then I’m hanging out. Yes, with boundaries. Yes. But as I’m learning what bounds boundaries are and as I equate it with authenticity and as you compliment me, it’s like I have to redefine and reframe what that is and embrace it and become vulnerable with it. So that when I say, you know what, you’re right, I do have really boundaries and I feel bad about it.
01;23;41;02 – 01;24;09;13
Unknown
Do you think it’s going to take us a little while here because we’re tired, but I don’t want to. So one of the things that Kristi talked about was confidence and one of the things that people will hear if they have subscribed to our even more love subscription pack received the full interview is that they would have heard Kristi say that you might lack confidence but feel good about your authenticity.
01;24;09;15 – 01;24;37;23
Unknown
And I have confidence, but I am in the process of becoming from an authentic standpoint. Yes. So now that you’re in authentic, correct, you’re just right. You’re cautious, right. Because you’re so aware of the room and you’re so aware of your environment, right? Yes. So if there’s a part of you that says, I don’t really know how I’m defining boundaries, but in my mind it really has a negative connotation and I don’t like how I feel to that.
01;24;37;25 – 01;25;12;11
Unknown
And on the other hand, you’re saying that I think boundaries are just a natural boundaries, whatever they are, however, I’m defining them, negative or otherwise, they’re just a natural part of who I am. I’m just clear. I’m Kurt, I’m direct. I don’t want to do that. I won’t be doing this. I won’t be doing that. Do you see a connection between the confidence that you feel that you’ve been lacking and in some ways that being associated with the authenticity of knowing that this is just who I am at the end of the day, and it’s not always accepted by people.
01;25;12;11 – 01;25;44;10
Unknown
And people might think that you’re raw, ragged and difficult to deal with and that some of your confidence may in some ways have been impacted by the fact that you do have a negative view or a negative confidence feeling associated with the fact that this is just I am at the end of the day. Well, yes. And now that I’m going to be doing a true Colors facilitation for a sap, I’ve been, you know, reading up and studying and focusing on how I’m going to deliver those kinds of that kind of information.
01;25;44;10 – 01;26;02;00
Unknown
And what’s so cool about it. And what I remember loving about delivering it so much is this idea of a spectrum. And we talked about authenticity on a spectrum. And what’s so great about this true colors personality profile is that there’s four colors. So for people who don’t know what it is, there are four colors, and each one of us have the four colors in us.
01;26;02;00 – 01;26;21;19
Unknown
It’s just a matter of what shines the brightest, what shines the lowest, and what falls in between. And each color has characteristics that are associated with them When you’re in a good mood and then they have the shadow sides, right? And so most people are to two bright colors intertwined. And I am an orange gold. You are a blue gold.
01;26;21;22 – 01;26;44;04
Unknown
Okay. Blue is my lowest orange zero lowest, which is also because where I shine really, really bright, you really, really struggle and then vise versa. But because of where we genuinely come from, curiosity, we generally from an authentic place, we both hear each other. We both really sit in it. And then at the end of the day, we both decide is it right for us?
01;26;44;09 – 01;27;20;01
Unknown
And then we both respect where we’re coming from right? The challenge with my two specifically being high orange and orange, just to give some perspective, is competitive, spunky, off the cuff, flexible, creative, you know, all of those kinds of characteristics and need to follow the rules doesn’t follow the rules in fact will block the system, will question you and not feel bad about it because at the end of the day, it is a curiosity, but there’s so much confidence there.
01;27;20;03 – 01;27;43;00
Unknown
Gold, on the other hand, is rule bound structure, family tradition, traditional will not balk. The system will do what exactly the authority figure tells them to do, because that’s the way it’s done, period. So can you see how my two colors are constantly antagonizing each other? But because my orange is my number one, I operate out of that immediately.
01;27;43;08 – 01;28;02;27
Unknown
And then the shame immediately comes in after. So when I say things like, my God, that’s so ridiculous. I hate everything, everything about it, and those people are dumb. I immediately go, my God, that was so inappropriate. I shouldn’t have said that because they’re not really dumb. I just feel that’s my reaction and let me explain myself more.
01;28;03;03 – 01;28;30;14
Unknown
So the shame component is to me what I’m trying to learn and develop and impacts my confidence the most because that shame, maybe there’s a better word for it. But the only thing I can think of right now is that will immediately come in and start to filter through everything, every single thing I said. And then therefore, any pushback I get, I immediately say, You’re absolutely right, you’re right, I’m wrong.
01;28;30;14 – 01;28;48;10
Unknown
I never should have said that. And then my confidence goes down the toilet. That would make complete sense to me if I really believed that you were an orange gold. you don’t? that’s right. I forgot. I forgot. Okay, so I’m going to remember you thinking me orange blue year or however long ago we talk about you.
01;28;48;10 – 01;29;11;19
Unknown
Are you sure do? No, because this is directly now a lie. And I’m driving down the road dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee Why are you Why are you Mario Hurricane motherfuckers driving down the road? And I said, my God, I got it. You said, What? Because this after a whole Who the hell knows what the heck we were talking about?
01;29;11;21 – 01;29;37;16
Unknown
Who? I said, You’re damn blue. You’re a blue. Now, what did you say to me? Can’t tell you. Stop looking at me and I’ll tell you exactly what you said to me. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m in complete denial. Said I don’t want to talk about it. Stop talking about it. That’s what you said. Okay, So I don’t acknowledge my blue so self.
01;29;37;18 – 01;29;55;12
Unknown
So I’m aware you just described yourself. This is what you just said. You’re like, Can you see how my orange and gold are really at odds with each other? My orange, which is like spunky and excited. And then you went on to say, and then the shame comes in. You’re trying to hijack gold to talk about blue. That’s what you’re doing.
01;29;55;14 – 01;30;23;18
Unknown
Because I want to do this blue. Yeah, yeah I don’t really. I swear, I’m not even positive gold’s on your spectrum. Okay, but let’s keep calling yourself gold because you feel better there. Okay? Let’s be real. Okay? Okay. I do. I do not identify with any blue characteristics. Because this is blue, folks. So blue is empathic, caring, loving.
01;30;23;18 – 01;30;45;14
Unknown
Can be seen as a people pleaser, cares very deeply about others, wants to make sure that everything is harmonious at all times, wants to make sure that people are taken care of and supported and loved to their core. Okay. And then there’s green, which we don’t ever talk about because. That’s the smart people. That’s just that they’re a little crazy in the oriented, which reality is, I think you’re a blue green.
01;30;45;18 – 01;31;10;16
Unknown
I am a blue gold green orange. Okay. Because we’re clear that at least my my colors are correct. Okay. But I love I love that you just facilitator. Yeah, I do what I say. Go ahead. Make sure you still pay her to come in. Job. Say if they were to come in so great. We are not talking about, say, we’re all done talking about this because you know exactly what I’m about to say.
01;31;10;18 – 01;31;33;27
Unknown
You just said, Can you see how difficult it is for me to be an orange? Gold and blue is my last blue is my last. And every single thing you just went on to describe was she what do you write down there? How do you you know you’re an idiot. Yes. She wrote that on a piece of paper that she’s now holding up proudly.
01;31;33;27 – 01;31;51;01
Unknown
I am not listening, you, you idiot. Because the laugh is, folks, this is the this is the real show right here. You know, at the end of the day, while you’re listening to me. You’re not. Close your eyes. Go ahead. Close your eyes. That’s fine. Because if you don’t look at me and it doesn’t happen. This is this is your tactic.
01;31;51;07 – 01;32;22;06
Unknown
I know. That’s what I do. I’ll tell you the name of your business. Closed eyes. Okay. Go. Are in orange, blue, and then green and gold are the same number. They’re both at the end. Okay. But yeah, I can see why it is challenging to be in orange blue. I can imagine that. That’s incredibly difficult because everything that you’re talking about right now is that you are spontaneous over the top and you will end up, I guess, when you told me to be authentic.
01;32;22;06 – 01;32;39;20
Unknown
So I was. And now I’m having guilt that somebody might be offended. That’s correct. Blue That’s correct. I’m sorry, but don’t identify you are really a gold second. You would be like, well, I still don’t very much care. But you know what I’m going to write this to do list of things that are going to happen in the event that someone responds to me, I’m going to make sure that I do this, this and this and get ahead of it.
01;32;39;20 – 01;32;59;00
Unknown
You’re right by making sure I get a Facebook group and I type this. You want me to keep going. Now Okay, So can I still go out loud? You know? Okay. okay. Well, as long as we don’t identify, acknowledging, and identify the same thing. Yes, it is. No. Yes. Nope, Not at all. I will acknowledge what you’re saying.
01;32;59;00 – 01;33;20;14
Unknown
Thank you. Thank you. And I’m just curious, is there any part of you that knows 100% that I’m correct and we’re just not going to own that right now? Miss Authentic? It’s fine. Eyes are closed. That means. Yes. okay, great. Moving on from that. So, yes, I am very aware that part of your authenticity journey, as we just talked to Kristi about, is the fact that you are orange.
01;33;20;14 – 01;33;49;16
Unknown
There’s no question about your orange. You are the person who sits in the podcast, you and Kristi, you feel a synergy with each other and you’re like, Here we go. Everybody felt really good. We’re ready. You feel great about it. But then what happens is you get you going. I mean, when you get going and then all of a sudden you’re talking about liberals and all of a sudden you’re talking about birthday parties at school and then you’re talking about strong stuff and then you and Christie New Bestie is over here, which we decided just call Christie from now on.
01;33;49;16 – 01;34;11;11
Unknown
Please, Please. She will make me feel better. I know she will. Tell me. I know. I Know she will. She’ll be like, if you don’t particularly, you know, if you weren’t born a blue, then I guess that you aren’t a blue anyway, all I smell is cinnamon rolls. Now it’s the candles and it happens. Folks, change the topic that you say.
01;34;11;11 – 01;34;32;23
Unknown
You get me distracting me. Fine. Okay, So. All right, fine. Okay. You’re still not acknowledging. I understand. So I did. That’s my way of. wasn’t closing your eyes, I said. And you said, okay, fine. Okay. That’s fine for you all. Understanding Rebecca, a little bit more here, folks. Do you see the amount of energy that goes into low levels of awareness that comes out?
01;34;32;26 – 01;34;59;01
Unknown
So what I think is fascinating about that is we have the authenticity, we have the confidence, we have the fact that when you’re talking about true colors, being an orange blue means you’re going to struggle with confidence and authenticity because you are constantly second guessing and fearful that you just being you was something that impacted someone in a really negative way.
01;34;59;03 – 01;35;17;06
Unknown
You want to call it gold, I don’t care. Same conversation. How did this turned back on to me? You’re the one who brought up true colors. I don’t even remember what question I asked you. Quite honestly, I don’t remember. I just remember I was trying to make something between the fact that we talked about you not having confidence but being authentic.
01;35;17;06 – 01;35;37;20
Unknown
Right. And I mentioned that shame. And you demanded as well. I had all the confidence in the world, but I’m boring into a more true version of authenticity, because I believe, as we heard on the interview, that you have to come into your own in terms of authenticity. And so it is not that I am an inauthentic person.
01;35;37;20 – 01;36;05;04
Unknown
It is that the experiences that I have had are helping me to further develop who I genuinely are at my core. But being a blue for me is so strong and evident, but also contradictory sometimes to your to your core self. Because what’s my second? My goal? Right, Right. So again, you have and I really am a gold second, not like I’m a closet orange second or really clear on that.
01;36;05;09 – 01;36;26;05
Unknown
no you’re gold to a T to the point where it is almost detrimental. Yes. But how that plays is I’m empathic, I’m caring, I’m supportive, and then my gold has to come in to be like, here’s all the ways that organizationally I can support you. I have to go in hook, line and sinker. I have to take over your process.
01;36;26;12 – 01;36;45;24
Unknown
I have to lead you on the journey. I have to be the one who goes into the work environment to make sure that we we’ve, you know, re-organized things the way that it needs to. My gold becomes an inhibitor to my blue because I can’t ship. I know if I was a blue orange, I would be like, I love everybody.
01;36;46;20 – 01;37;10;18
Unknown
right, right, right. And so what’s really your point, your lead in this true colors activity and that you’ve dove more into the ways that we all are a spectrum and how these colors play out. Yeah, I think is really interesting. And that to me is related in a lot of ways to authenticity 100% because because it could be because at your core, these are your natural reactions.
01;37;10;18 – 01;37;37;11
Unknown
You’re natural, these are who you are authentically, and it’s how they play out when they’re on the spectrum. But help me understand that, because I heard you and Christie say that you believe that we are born with who we are authentically. So it’s the nature versus argument and the goal is to peel away all of those other context.
01;37;37;13 – 01;38;19;13
Unknown
But when it comes to true colors, very similar to the Myers-Briggs personality inventory, Yes. What we know it’s actually very nice with is that okay, what, you know, research wise for Myers-Briggs was this interesting is that over the age of 35, you have a tendency to see pretty drastic changes in your Myers-Briggs types indicators the same from what I remember about True Colors is that just because you are, for example, sake orange, blue, gold, green does not mean that if you don’t go and take it ten years from now that you’re not blue, orange, green, gold.
01;38;19;13 – 01;39;02;20
Unknown
However, I will tell you, based on research, traditionally that doesn’t happen traditionally because of the way the spectrum works you will be in the same colors. You’ve just fine tune some skills or you fine tuned some aspects of your communication style. Therefore you just identify a little bit differently. But at the core you are the same. Unless you had a tragic event happen to you in some capacity which would then change your chemistry completely, not chemistry, just the way that you communicate or articulate, well then that wouldn’t necessarily be an authenticity question.
01;39;02;20 – 01;39;33;28
Unknown
It would be a trauma response, Correct. Which is what you interview would be thinking, who you are authentically as who you regardless. And if this very traumatic event happens, it’s not that your in authentically or different authentically, it’s that you have gone through a traumatic experience and your personification of how that looks looks different, correct? Correct. So but at the end of the day, you’re still operating most likely out of your authentic self.
01;39;34;00 – 01;39;53;15
Unknown
But if you’re if you’re trauma response are triggered in some way. Now the other the other with the particular vehicle that you like the test right, that you learned this from. It depends on how you approach it. In theory, you’re supposed to look and identify with certain words and immediately have an immediate response. And you’re not supposed to use the filter of work.
01;39;53;23 – 01;40;16;07
Unknown
Oftentimes, people at work operate very differently, just like we talked about, you are not always your authentic self because you can’t be based on your environment. So what’s tricky when I go into the workplace and serve and provide this this workshop, it can become tricky and people will call people out. They’ll say, You are not a gold, you are an orange.
01;40;16;10 – 01;40;38;02
Unknown
But some people may identify as a gold because they have to be in that box. But then when you have a you have a personal conversation with them and you’re talking with them outside of their role, they are their authentic selves, right? So you have to be really careful about how you take the test. And I try to articulate that very clearly, especially if there’s someone in the room is afraid to be viewed by their boss a certain way or something like that.
01;40;38;02 – 01;40;58;13
Unknown
So traditionally, I had done this with students, college students who generally are there to really learn about themselves. So it’s much more of an authentic response. But when I’m working with people in the workplace, it’s very different. My I just had somebody reach out to me and ask them to do it for their family so that they can have better interpersonal communication with within themselves and their family.
01;40;58;13 – 01;41;21;20
Unknown
But then also their kids can start to develop real, authentic relationships as they as they get older. So that’s going to be a very different experience than working with people who are in the workforce. So it’s all in how you approach the test. And then if you sit there and you analyze it and you’re like, Well, at work I follow the rules, but at home I don’t have any system whatsoever, You got to go with your gut.
01;41;22;09 – 01;41;47;19
Unknown
You know, this is what I think is going to be so fascinating hearing from our listeners about what they thought about the interview and how they connect with this. Because would you then say that in that scenario with work, that that person is being inauthentic? Yeah, And I would say it’s still authenticity, but it’s there is variability in in in authenticity based on the environment that you’re a part of.
01;41;47;27 – 01;42;16;23
Unknown
It’s all authentically yourself. This is the biggest, as we talked about, difference in how we’re seeing this. It depends I think depends on it depends on the example. So like the if this is so stupid, but the only example I could think of is my boss expects me to utilize our data management CRM and to go in there and to click off my daily tasks that I’m doing.
01;42;16;25 – 01;42;53;03
Unknown
I’m doing that because I have to, but that’s not authentically me. I would never do that. I would never click off my to do list. I am crazy to this, but you’re really rocking that gold. But you know what I’m saying? So like that. So that makes sense in a task perspective, correct? But now if I’m in a staff meeting and somebody says, Hey, we are going to go to all gendered bathrooms in this building, and I am part of that team and I have a very strong response to that that I don’t like that.
01;42;53;05 – 01;43;10;10
Unknown
But I sit there and I go, That’s awesome because I’m the team player, but in my heart I’m like, I am beyond uncomfortable with that, but that’s being inauthentic. But if you sit there and you recognize your surroundings and you recognize in that moment, I’m having a strong reaction to this, but this is not the right audience in the right place.
01;43;10;16 – 01;43;30;17
Unknown
And you instead, because they’re not asking for people’s opinions, they’re just telling you we’re moving to this typical this type of environment. And you sit there and you say, okay, is that inauthentic? So this is the part that I say, yes. I would say I would. I would say an authentic person would say, I hear you telling us that that’s this would what’s going to happen?
01;43;30;17 – 01;43;53;07
Unknown
Is there any room for discussion? Because I’m having every response to this when I’m uncomfortable. So you that’s an authentic response. You are associating authenticity with spoken word that you’re only authentic when you’re vocalizing, not what it is that you need to be authentic about. But the absence of the absence of sharing is agreeing. I don’t agree with that.
01;43;53;10 – 01;44;20;24
Unknown
That’s what I think is really fascinating. So I don’t agree that the absence of just not speaking up and saying how you’re feeling, just like that meme that always goes around, that is like if, you know, if you aren’t speaking up about anything, you’re on the side of the oppressor. I don’t necessarily agree with that because I don’t believe it’s in everyone’s authentic self to be the person who’s constantly raising their hand, to be like, I don’t like that.
01;44;20;29 – 01;44;50;09
Unknown
I don’t appreciate that needs to change, that needs to be different. And in my own personal self, I notice that I often will go to these types of conversations regardless of the topic from an extreme place of curiosity about wanting to know where that other person is coming from. Right. Which is why there has to be some sort of conversation, because that person who’s authentically responding and having that reaction may not really be having that reaction.
01;44;50;09 – 01;45;12;15
Unknown
They just may be they need more information. And then once that’s delivered and it’s like, okay, I can get around that, that makes sense. Or maybe I wasn’t clear. Maybe I made an A about what you’re saying maybe to me and I’ll gender bathroom is a bunch of stalls that have no doors on them and now I’m feeling I’m just making that assumption but reality is and all gender bathroom is just one toilet with a door.
01;45;12;17 – 01;45;40;27
Unknown
It’s just a what? You know what I mean? Like so that. Have you changed your authenticity in that case? Right. Because this know what I’m struggling with. I’m having a hard time understanding the process of authenticity through the process of conversation. And in, in my mind, the process of becoming authentic is in understanding who you are, who you feel yourself to be in relation to that which is around you.
01;45;41;00 – 01;46;02;17
Unknown
And where you two were coming from was you’re born in an authentic way and that it really doesn’t matter what types of conversations you’re going to have, it’s just trying to figure out who you were born as authentically. I think what she was saying when she said you were born and I don’t want to put words in her mouth, but drilling it down, you’re born with a personality.
01;46;02;19 – 01;46;28;17
Unknown
You’re you’re born with certain things that you’re that you just are. You just are them. And as personality, a lot of ways to me, yes, I would disagree. That’s what’s so fascinating as an it it’s a really I don’t know how I don’t read social construct in my mind. no nationality, not even close, because it’s that idea of nature versus nurture.
01;46;28;20 – 01;46;48;10
Unknown
Okay. Now those things are because they’ve related. A personality is not socially constructed at all. I think that you can stifle. I think that you can train. I think you can do of those kinds of things. But that’s not your personality. That’s what you were shaped and molded in to be. So you think personality and authenticity are the same?
01;46;48;14 – 01;47;19;13
Unknown
In a lot of ways, yeah. I believe that personality and authenticity are different and that personality is a social construct associated with your authenticity, and you believe that they’re one in the same. And you know what? Yeah, there isn’t an answer about what one of us is right or right if one of them has to be right. I think what’s fascinating about the conversation is if we can’t even be on the same page, and I would guarantee you our listeners fall into they may even have a different opinion, right?
01;47;19;13 – 01;47;39;16
Unknown
Or I would love to hear a camp that if we can’t even get on the same page about one of these constructs, that’s this philosophical term known as authenticity, but yet going to the library to get books about it. And we’re watching some TED talks on it and everything to figure out how to be our most authentic self.
01;47;39;19 – 01;48;00;29
Unknown
It’s not surprising to me that people are twisted up in pretzels about the fact that they’re feeling shame, they’re feeling guilt, they’re feeling confused, they’re feeling defeated, they’re feeling excited, they’re feeling false sense of confidence associated with this construct. And it is a construct. It is not. It’s like you talked about capital T truth, right? A construct of authenticity.
01;48;01;01 – 01;48;23;28
Unknown
Anyone can create a definition for what authenticity is. But isn’t it fascinating, ironically, that the true definition of authenticity is whatever you think the term authenticity is for you, right? And so if we can’t even get on the same page or if we can’t even wrap our minds and as so many things in life come to this table, is that the definition?
01;48;24;01 – 01;48;48;12
Unknown
You know, it’s funny you sent to me that speaker this morning through a text, and then when I went down the rabbit hole of what he did, his his background was the definition of authenticity. that’s interesting. So but I’m interested now to know the actual definition. But I think what’s interesting is when it comes to these types of topics and they are in some way associated with how do you live your life?
01;48;48;14 – 01;49;15;06
Unknown
How should you live your life? Right? This is where we constantly come up upon the rub of people feeling, I’m not doing enough. I’m doing too much, God, I’m not there yet. I feel like an imposter. I’m feeling right. And so then you have these additional social constructs that are associated with the original concept that is not necessarily agreed upon by all people.
01;49;15;07 – 01;49;38;25
Unknown
So what we do even is research is is we operationally define a term not because it’s correct, but because enough research has been done that we’re pretty confident or we that this is a pretty generally globally accepted view of authenticity. And we need that because if we didn’t, then it would be you versus me versus Kelly up the street versus Rene versus Nina versus all the people.
01;49;38;26 – 01;50;02;14
Unknown
Right. So I just looked it up really quickly. And this particular definition, this is you’re going to like this. I think it says to put simply authenticity means you’re true to your own personality, values and spirit, regardless of the pressure that you’re under to act. Otherwise, you’re honest with yourself and with others. You take responsibility for your mistakes, your values, your ideals and actions align.
01;50;02;16 – 01;50;24;03
Unknown
So I can I see what you’re saying at topic, though, or that that definition perfectly aligns with what we’re both saying or getting at it from? Exactly. That’s what I mean when you say you’re building, you’re becoming your authentic self because it’s your experience. Is your this how this makes you feel? You’re whatever, but and I guess your personality can be defined the same way.
01;50;24;03 – 01;50;41;00
Unknown
But at the end of the day, when you look back to when you’re born, and the only thing I can think of which gave me the biggest moment was when my daughter was born. And I remember her acting and doing certain things and I took her right to the doctor. I’m like, This can’t be right. So I took her to the doctor and he looked at me.
01;50;41;00 – 01;51;00;18
Unknown
He’s like, I don’t understand why you’re here. I’m like, Well, why is she doing this? And he goes, It’s her personality. I’m like, How do I change that? That’s terrible. And he’s like, Yeah, good luck with that. So when you think back to when you were just a little baby, were you the type of kid, the type of baby who was able to self-soothe really easily?
01;51;00;21 – 01;51;31;25
Unknown
That’s probably part of your personality. Were you screaming and totally a pain in the ass and needed to be catered to all the time? That’s part of your personality. Yeah. I think you can mold and and do different things to teach people different things. But what is the core of who you are? I think what’s important is to pause for the last moments of this podcast and to ask listeners to reflect personally on what feeling right now.
01;51;31;27 – 01;52;07;18
Unknown
Because my guess would be there’s people are all over the place pissed, there’s people who feel angry, there’s people who feel, my God, I have so much to say about this. There are people who are doing that. Snap your finger, you know? Yeah, girl, you know I’m here. What’s super important about this, which is something that we’ve talked about over the last couple of weeks, is that in order to move into a place where you are most and more comfortable with yourself, it’s important to acknowledge that every single way you are feeling right now is valid.
01;52;07;29 – 01;52;40;02
Unknown
yeah, fine. It is also so a reflection of you, so you don’t have to be pissed at Erin for having a viewpoint that’s different. You don’t have have a massive, you know, nasty gram to Rebecca about how she’s feeling. If we all took the time to feel the beautiful feelings that we’re having, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and to now point a finger back and say, interesting, what is what am I attaching to?
01;52;40;05 – 01;53;15;26
Unknown
Am I feeling the need to jump through the the computer screen and join into this conversation? Why am I feeling the need to have my voice heard? Why am I feeling so unsettled about this particular thing? That one thing that someone so talked about has me? That is the beauty of the work. And if we don’t spend time in the work, if we don’t spend time pointing fingers back at ourselves, if we don’t ask ourselves what is coming up for me, but instead we spend all the time being like, I’m going to write an email about that.
01;53;16;01 – 01;53;38;24
Unknown
I’m going to post that on social media. I’m going to make sure I’m going to go a walk with Erin on such and such a day, and we’re going to have this conversation about whatever instead of spending some time really focused on. Let me think that through. And what does that really mean? That shit’s the hard stuff. Well, yeah, And being okay with not trying to convince somebody, you’re right.
01;53;38;26 – 01;54;02;12
Unknown
Why Is that so important? You don’t need to convince anybody. You’re right. That’s the confidence, right? It’s like that’s a lot. You what’s fascinating about that, if I was listening to you say that right now, I would be like all you and Erin have done for the last one hour. And however many, including is in through the process of the conversation, convince each other, try to convince each other that the way that you think that’s what people do is right.
01;54;02;16 – 01;54;30;09
Unknown
That you think that’s what people are hearing. Yes. Interesting is that not one time was I like, I’m going to change her mind, but in the process of the back and forth of. Well, tell me about this. What do you mean about that? How come this how come that or. I don’t like that. How come whatever. It’s in some ways this pushing through of trying to make sure I have to feel validated at the end of the day that how I am thinking and how I am responding to something feels closest to me.
01;54;30;09 – 01;55;01;27
Unknown
Because if it doesn’t, I ain’t okay. That’s that’s the this right this part. Exactly. And it’s not until you stop and say, why am I having a reaction to them trying to convince each other that their side is right. it’s because And then looking at yourself, figuring that out, if anyone gets anything out of our podcast at all, it is what Christie said today, which is it begins with you the relationship that you have with you is the most important relationship you will ever have.
01;55;01;29 – 01;55;30;18
Unknown
And until we’ve spent the time on ourselves, questioning ourselves, being pissed at ourselves, noticing what we’re reacting to, we will never be able to get to that core sense, either that authenticity or a natural sense of comfort in our own selves to then be present with the rest of the world. My favorite quote says something like Be a flame in a windless place.
01;55;30;20 – 01;55;57;02
Unknown
And that for me is the ideal of how am I so steadfast in being comfortable with the things I like don’t like? And what’s okay that when someone goes and says something on a podcast or someone pushes something on TV or some politician says something, that I am the flame in the windless place, I’m unflappable. Wouldn’t that be a windy place to be a flame, right In a windless place?
01;55;57;07 – 01;56;20;03
Unknown
If it’s not windy, then you’re always going to be brave. Exactly. That’s the point. That makes no sense to me. If you’re a flame. Yeah, stick with me. Here is. This particular frickin journey here, I swear to God, that makes no sense. That you would want to be in the land with the wind. That that happens when there is a candle in the wind, it goes out there.
01;56;20;05 – 01;56;40;22
Unknown
Do you want that? No. That’s why you want to be the flame. It’s very easy to be a flame in a windless place. Modern folks. There it is right there. I know. I did it. I was bad. I’m all done. I can’t. I loved that. Me too. Isn’t empathy. Well, we’re amazing. I don’t know about all this empathy stuff.
01;56;40;29 – 01;57;09;02
Unknown
That’s fine. I accept you wherever you are. God. I love you. I love you, too. And if you love us, please like and subscribe to more love the Power of Empathy podcast Wherever you get your podcasts. See you next time.