Episode 212- What Is Keeping People from Asking Deeper Questions?

Hey, it’s me Aaron. Thanks for joining us on the Moor Love podcast. Do not tell Rebecca, but this podcast is about empathy. She likes people to think she’s dead inside. But the truth is, she’s a big time feeler who has truly helped me uncover that empathy is my superpower. Oh, here she comes. Hey, bestie. Hi, love. What are you doing?
00;00;31;07 – 00;00;54;28
Unknown
Oh, just getting ready to host a podcast. A podcast about what? Oh, life. Our life is best friends who are more like sisters. Yay! I love us, and I can’t wait to share our stories of the world. especially the ones that involve us pushing each other right to be our most authentic selves. Oh, man. Okay. Buckle in.
00;00;54;28 – 00;01;17;27
Unknown
Guys. This show is off the rails. It’s off the rails. We haven’t even started yet. It is off the rails. First of all. Rebecca looks over to our little timer. That’s got sets up for us that we never pay attention to. And she looks at it and it says, 00.33. And she goes, oh my God, it’s been 30 minutes already.
00;01;17;29 – 00;01;37;23
Unknown
Oh that’s funny, 30 minutes. She wasn’t that off. It’s actually been 20. Stop. I’m not says the timer started oh oh. But because it’s normally behind my head, you usually you don’t even ever. It’s me because it’s a wave. Yeah, yeah. But now it’s there and I’m I’m like, Holy crap. Scott moved it because he’s like, you know what?
00;01;37;23 – 00;01;54;19
Unknown
Maybe we’ll have a higher probability. Do you have higher probability of them actually stopping on time if I move it? And then he’s like, it fell off the wall. Right. Oh yeah. Okay. I had to replace it. Did I say to you. And I’m like I have a hard stop today. I have a meeting and you’re like, yeah.
00;01;54;19 – 00;02;11;27
Unknown
When I’m like I said, wait a minute, you have a meeting with me and Scott after. I know I got to go from that one. So I double but basically you’re double buck. Yeah. Yeah. Like I got it. So really this podcast is supposed to start at 1045 in the morning. And you said I got to be done by 1230.
00;02;11;28 – 00;02;30;07
Unknown
We only get an hour. Where I know what what time is it now? It’s already late. I don’t know, I don’t know. We got around. Wait for what we dig around with. Why don’t you sing everyone your song? That you got in trouble for us? Well, because he said sit up straight. And what do you say? Boobs out.
00;02;30;09 – 00;02;47;13
Unknown
Yeah, yeah. So you guys set up to say boobs out. And so I went into my backaches, my belts to my boobs shake from left to right, back to back. So you could eat the back of my butt. Why? I got to the. Oh, I got in trouble for singing that in second grade on the seesaw, I can imagine.
00;02;47;13 – 00;02;55;09
Unknown
And I had to go to the principal’s office and get back to. I don’t even think I knew what boobs were. I.
00;02;55;11 – 00;03;10;19
Unknown
I’m thinking. No, you want to hear it? I do like I got, I got like the, the theme sound, but I got, I got to know the word I know you really I know. Did you jump rope to that little ditty? No. And the seesaw hopping seesaw. Yeah, yeah. We were with the girl screaming at your school. Oh, yeah.
00;03;10;21 – 00;03;30;25
Unknown
Oh, you have to take that. What is that from? I don’t know. Oh, she made it up, I don’t know. Oh, I didn’t take it off. I don’t know where it’s, you know, it’s like Miss Mary Mack, you know, those kind of things. Yeah, yeah. Now you had to go to the principal’s office. Oh, and then I had that conversation, I don’t remember, I probably didn’t listen.
00;03;30;27 – 00;03;57;11
Unknown
Miss her. That’s. No, that’s not wasn’t my name. Oh. That’s right. It was Becky Christopher Becky, tell me the song you were singing on the playground today, and then you were like my back and my butt so tight there, like, inside there, like. That’s hilarious. I know, but they had to be like, I don’t know. Do you know why that’s an inappropriate song to sing?
00;03;57;12 – 00;04;20;13
Unknown
Did adults find that stuff to be funny in the 90s? It’s a great question, Jerry. Did they have a sense of humor? Because I’m pretty sure if my mom found out, she’d be angry. Oh, very angry, inappropriate manner. That phone call home. You knew who I don’t think went home because I don’t remember. Get in trouble. Miss Christopher, I’d like to tell you about a song that Becky was singing today on the playground.
00;04;20;15 – 00;04;40;24
Unknown
Yeah. At the age of seven. I don’t think we have her here. Yeah, they don’t let her perform it like that for no good. No good? No. Yeah. That was. But so then, because we weren’t allowed to sing bad songs, then. Well, you transitioned to the monkey bars. The ones that are, like, illegal now because they’re metal and super high.
00;04;40;24 – 00;04;57;08
Unknown
Yeah. And probably broken with the screws hanging out. Yes. We would all all us girls would go to the top and we would fight over who got to be area. Okay. And then everybody else was the sisters, okay. And then we’d sing Part of Your World. Oh very nice. Not that I didn’t get in trouble for that yet.
00;04;57;08 – 00;05;16;11
Unknown
That’s appropriate. Right. Okay. That that it was kind of like King of the mountain. Yeah. We were we were the mermaid foster bitch down. You know, we were the I’m area, right? Yeah. We had to take turns. You’re Ursula, right? Yeah. No, no, no, Ursula doesn’t sing that song part of your world. Oh, that’s true. That’s just didn’t sing any of that songs.
00;05;16;16 – 00;05;36;28
Unknown
Heaven forbid some say Ursula, you know what we were doing on the playground? You know, the tallest slide, the tallest metal slide, Palmer Elementary School playground. And someone would go to the very top and would pretend like they were clinging on for dear life. Like if they got to the bottom, that that was like the pit of lava.
00;05;36;28 – 00;05;55;05
Unknown
Oh, that was all done. And so it was the other kids turns to try and get that person’s fingers on stuck and all the way up the tall way at the most dangerous slides that are like 90 degrees solutely. Absolutely. And if the sun was shining and you’re wearing shorts in the metal. Oh yeah, yeah. Burning your best guess.
00;05;55;08 – 00;06;17;27
Unknown
Burning your best get is absolutely right. Yeah, yeah. We were like the bottom of the slide. It was a dirt pile that was hard as hell. Stones. It’s got its stones left over from some driveway project they did last summer. Yeah. Kids today. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, we’ll play it. What? Yeah. Damn it. Damn rubber woodchips. Yeah, boy.
00;06;17;29 – 00;06;39;08
Unknown
Okay. Yeah. Your turf playgrounds. Okay. Oh, you know what else we had? Wooden ones. Playground. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that one had to be taken down at one of our elementary school, so I know it’s the best it was. It would grassed wooden playground now. But we’re talking slivers. Oh, we’re talking beehives. Oh yeah. Yeah. Natural elements. Yeah. Whatever.
00;06;39;08 – 00;06;58;23
Unknown
Kids today don’t know how to. Did you run back and forth? Those are so soft. Right, right. Did you run back and forth the the yeah. The Matt. No, the the drawbridge. That that it’s a jingle bell jingle. Yeah. You’re like oh yeah. Yeah. So closely and like your, your foot toe got stuck in it. Right. You spread on your plan it.
00;06;58;23 – 00;07;07;06
Unknown
Yeah. Nobody cares. Yeah, yeah. Nurse nurses be like you’re fine. Yeah you’re right.
00;07;07;08 – 00;07;28;06
Unknown
those are the days. Good. The other the day. The other thing Rebecca said to take us off the rails really early today is she looks at me all seriousness about 30s before we’re about to start. And she’s like, do we have a plan today? Now, folks, listen to me. I know, I love to know what happens for you in the moment before we actually go live on air.
00;07;28;13 – 00;07;46;12
Unknown
Are you is it are you asking me a question? Yes. Oh, is it really at that moment? 30s before is the first time you’ve thought to yourself. Yeah, except for today. Oh, what are we going to talk about? Except for today. I did think about it on the way in, driving in, because I was listening to the episode that dropped yesterday.
00;07;46;12 – 00;08;04;08
Unknown
Yeah. And I’m like, I want to we’re going to talk about today because I don’t have anything to say, okay. So so if I didn’t call you to Preplan. So I want to be clear, it wasn’t you thinking. I have some ideas of topics we could talk about today. No. It was. Well, I wonder what Aaron’s going to bring up.
00;08;04;12 – 00;08;23;21
Unknown
I don’t want to say today. I didn’t even think about that. I just thought you were worried you might not be on yourself. Yeah, I, I like I got, I got nothing to add to the to the okay, to the session. Okay. And no part of you ever thought about our everyday morning phone calls. No. Because they’re so each other just to talk about absolutely nothing.
00;08;23;24 – 00;08;36;08
Unknown
Well, I called you. I told you yesterday, you called me, and I called you back because I need to tell you about my dream. But I tried to call you numerous times, but you were busy yesterday. And then I completely forgot about my dream. Okay, so now you don’t get to hear about it, okay? Because I can’t remember.
00;08;36;08 – 00;08;57;02
Unknown
But it was really funny in the moment. Okay, I’m sure it was. It why I called you yesterday to process something incredibly important before I walked into a lion’s den and you didn’t answer, so that’s fine. You didn’t call me back? No, I called you first. But you didn’t call me back after I called you 300 times. And I saw some pictures online.
00;08;57;05 – 00;09;20;04
Unknown
Some pictures? Yeah, because you were busy yesterday. Oh. Oh, you mean the Women Empowering Women’s Lunch? Oh, you have a feelings about that? No, no. I was like, no. You want to go? No, I don’t got no, I don’t want to go. That shit. No. And then I was like okay, so so she has a reason she didn’t get oh I just there’s you stalking my Facebook page.
00;09;20;04 – 00;09;38;19
Unknown
It was that bitch doing. What is she doing? She better not be out walking that dog because she can talk to me while she’s doing that. No. Oh my God, oh my God. Speaking of dreams, I got to tell you what happened at the busy been today I see been. You know, this is my new coffee shop. Well, now the Dunkin Donuts isn’t going to happen.
00;09;38;21 – 00;09;59;03
Unknown
Thank you for saying that, because I, I need to really acknowledge for anyone to Dunkin Donuts that still listens to us. One still, if he had a Dunkin Donuts at Dunkin Donuts, I’ve gone occasionally to Dunkin Donuts. I don’t want my girls to think that I’ve just left them high and dry. But here’s what happened. I went on a sugar detox and now hate sugar.
00;09;59;03 – 00;10;31;27
Unknown
And now I like cannot stomach. Are you drinking the cup like basically stop. It’s basically damn not coffee. Try mine. Oh it’s going to be bad. Okay, here we go. Oh that’s good. You don’t like that. Oh. Oh it’s nasty. It is. That is so strong. It’s like. Well, there is an espresso in the coffee that, like, sticks on your breath for day like that is not.
00;10;32;00 – 00;10;51;20
Unknown
Oh I got to do my now. Okay. it’s not that bad. Mine still has a little bit of something in it. But anyway, I did feel the need because I’m going to start talking about busy being because I really love busy being. And then I was like, well, Dunkin Donuts. My Dunkin Donuts girls are going to be upset because I, I have a nicely developed relationship with my Dunkin Donuts girls.
00;10;51;20 – 00;11;17;20
Unknown
And the reason I haven’t been there has nothing to do with them. It’s because I couldn’t stomach my normal caramel swirl latte and then I would get every single day. What’s so interesting is you could try another coffee, but we’re not going to do that. We’re going to change coffee shops because there’s only one selection at the Dunkin Donuts.
00;11;17;22 – 00;11;38;20
Unknown
So it I don’t realize these things are you’re saying that. But you’re right. That’s what I get at Dunkin Donuts. And if I don’t get that Dunkin Donuts then I gotta go somewhere else. I hate to stop 75,000 different options on the menu, but it’s fine. It’s fine. are you trying to. So true. Yeah. It’s so true that I was worried.
00;11;38;21 – 00;12;05;14
Unknown
I didn’t want them to feel sad. Disappointed. left, you know, So I’m really happy you brought that up, because I did. I did want to say that today. That it’s not like I’m never going back to Dunkin Donuts, but I really can’t stomach the extra caramel swirl right now. It’s too much sugar. And I’m hoping I don’t go back to that because I lost some weight by not having sugar bombs for breakfast.
00;12;05;14 – 00;12;29;11
Unknown
I mean, you know, think it’s funny how that works. But speaking of dreams, I was at the busy bin today. Busy being in Penfield. My girl Arisa is there. Talk to her basically every single time I’m in there. So it came up that I would got podcast. Oh, okay. Okay, so we got a new listener. She listens to the podcast.
00;12;29;11 – 00;12;45;19
Unknown
She tells me today, I love the frickin podcast. That’s hilarious. Just like I had to start at the beginning because I needed to know all the things. She loves the podcast. Did she read our timeline? And then, oh, I don’t know if she knows about the website or the girl We Got website to. You got to read. You got to read our relationship timeline.
00;12;45;26 – 00;13;16;00
Unknown
Remember when I added some stuff to the timeline recently and you’re like, what did you add? Why didn’t you talk to me about it? I’m like, you were a part of the timeline. I don’t lie on the timeline like, I got this. I can handle the timeline. So anyway, I’m in there. Larissa’s making my coffee today. I get my breakfast bowl like I usually do, and somehow the topic came up about me being a mental health professional, and she’s like, do you do a good job reading people?
00;13;16;00 – 00;13;39;14
Unknown
And I said, oh, very well. I said, I read people very quickly. I have a very clear sense. And I said, I have a strong sense of reading, so I can really read all the things. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder how quickly if you’ve murdered people, if you are a shady mother. Effer. I know immediately because I can feel it.
00;13;39;15 – 00;14;01;26
Unknown
Yeah. Oh, yeah. So she says that she has to trust her intuition a lot and let her intuition guides a lot of what she does. And I said, oh, that’s really great. You know, tell me more about that. What is it about your intuition? She’s like, it’s actually reverse intuition. And I said, what does that mean? And she says she has dreams.
00;14;01;29 – 00;14;23;11
Unknown
And in these dreams she almost predicts the future about what is going to happen. Am I sensing Larissa is going to be on this podcast? Yeah. I said, well, as we get to the end of this story, I say to her, oh, we’re a back. We’ll know what to do about that. Right? So so I basically assigned your services here.
00;14;23;13 – 00;14;54;12
Unknown
Great. So she says that if she speaks her dreams out loud, they do not come true. If she does not, they do come true. Okay. And every one of her dreams are negative. Pessimistic, right. So she’ll talk about, her significant other not doing well in a job interview. So she had this dream he wasn’t going to do well in a job interview.
00;14;54;14 – 00;15;09;25
Unknown
And she has experiences where she doesn’t speak that out loud. Then in that case, he wouldn’t do good on the job interview. If he she does speak it out loud. He does do good in the job interview, right? You mean she just has to repeat what happened in her dream? Yes. Oh, she needs to say this is what happened in my dream.
00;15;09;25 – 00;15;37;20
Unknown
And then that somehow changes the course of what happens moving forward. Okay. She’s like. However, recently I’ve had been having dreams about my dad, and my dad passed a few years ago, and she’s like, but they’re not good dreams. All he’s doing is walking around aimlessly, confused, looking up like he’s stuck in another dimension. now this is this is not.
00;15;37;22 – 00;16;01;09
Unknown
This is not my jam. Okay? But here I am standing at the busy Pan Am I got goosebumps. All I can imagine is her dad confused. Yes, his soul has departed and has not made it where it’s supposed to go. We got called Theresa Caputo. Well, so I was like, I ask Rebecca what we do about that. I don’t know, I’m like, he’s stuck there.
00;16;01;09 – 00;16;20;01
Unknown
That’s sad. He’s stuck there and now I don’t feel good about it. And now we need to help him. He’s his. He’s a symbol. If she speaks it out loud, then he’s gonna figure it out. Well, that’s what I said. Do we need to speak it out louder so that he can ascend? Is that. I mean, how do we get him to the next level?
00;16;20;01 – 00;16;46;01
Unknown
Because that has got to be scary as shit. If your soul is stuck in a demon ocean or in a place where you’re not sure, you know, Catholics, we call that purgatory. But I in my mind, purgatory wasn’t a confusing conflict place. it was a place where you’re spending time thinking about your past actions like you weren’t great enough.
00;16;46;01 – 00;17;06;00
Unknown
So let’s spend a little more time thinking about it before we send you up to the big guy. Right. But the way she made this sound was, it’s like a void. And he stuck in the void. So we got to speak it out. But I’m like, who does she need to see? She goes, see hypnotherapist for that. She can go see Theresa Caputo.
00;17;06;03 – 00;17;12;00
Unknown
Well, so dreams are literal. Oh.
00;17;12;02 – 00;17;37;04
Unknown
They’re not literal. They’re they’re symbolic. Okay. It’s like when your teeth fall out, it means change is coming. No, it means your shift. It means it’s a communication problem. You need to floss. No, no no, no. Like, okay. It’s all symbolic. And it also depends on if you do any reading about dreams. It’ll talk about who are you yourself in the dream.
00;17;37;04 – 00;17;56;17
Unknown
Can you see yourself? Are you there? Are you not there? Like everything means something. Okay, so like dream interpreting. Okay, so it would be really interesting to actually talk to a real person who knows what they’re talking about. I just every time I have a dream, I Google it and I’m like, what does this mean? But I also do it when I see animals.
00;17;56;19 – 00;18;15;13
Unknown
Oh yeah, the spirit animals. Yeah. I feel very strongly about that. Remember that one time we were at a conference in a pigeon when it was the seagull? A seagull was multiple seagulls landing up like the 15th floor. Yeah, yeah it was. We were at the best year ever. Like where we were planning the year ahead conference, and we are like floor 89.
00;18;15;13 – 00;18;31;24
Unknown
Yeah, we were way up there. And these seagulls just start landing just on your windows. On my windowsill. That is only this big. I mean, it is not it is not big. It is not big enough for their little feet. And they are landing in hordes on this windowsill. And I’m like, what the hell is happening? Well, sure.
00;18;31;24 – 00;18;50;13
Unknown
Shit. There you go. Be me, me, me. Start googling. What does it mean when the seagulls land and you read it and I’m like, get out of here. You know, which I know, I know it’s going I know. Well, remember, not that long ago when I had the phone call with Kelly up the street, and then the next day there was a junebug, the dead on my windshield.
00;18;50;13 – 00;19;19;10
Unknown
It’s frickin middle of winter. Yeah, that’s not a thing. Know? No, no, it’s not. Okay. Remember the Blue Jays nine? All the things I know. All the things that. Okay, Philip thinks I’m so nuts. Well, yeah, I call them. I’m like, guess what? There was a dead horse fly on the garbage. He’s like, what? He now. Hey, he’s so cute.
00;19;19;10 – 00;19;41;05
Unknown
Yesterday we celebrated 19 years together. Oh, you know, cuz we did a ritual sitting in the driveway drinking alcohol to get some beers. And, we were sitting in chatting, and he’s like, you know, I wish I could go back and do it all over. I go, oh, that’s so sweet. He’s like, yeah, I want more time. Oh, that’s really nice.
00;19;41;06 – 00;20;06;18
Unknown
I go, yeah, babe, nailing it. How many beers that he had at that point. Was that was 10 p.m. when I said that it was actually 730. So only 1010 at that point. Yeah. 19 years late. And what’s funny is so we celebrated 19 years and Sawyer, our daughter, our youngest daughter was born on March 10th, but her due date was March 14th.
00;20;06;22 – 00;20;25;12
Unknown
So it was kind of funny that she would have been born, but because I had a plan C section and I wanted her out as soon as possible, the earliest I could get her at was. But I saw that 8 a.m. 8 a.m.. Get her there. Get her out. yeah, I, I put me on the cancellation list, right?
00;20;25;15 – 00;20;42;14
Unknown
No, she said I go, can I move it up to the seventh because I like the number seven. She goes, oh yes, but you have to have one of those needles that go into your stomach to to test her lungs. And I’m like, no, we’ll stick with the tongue. No thanks. And she goes, but if you go into labor, you can get out early, get her out early.
00;20;42;19 – 00;21;07;16
Unknown
Did we do everything? Oh, yeah. Everything. Yeah. Right. You’re drinking the hot sauce. All the things. Yeah. All the things. Did not work. Did not work. Did not go into labor at all. I also didn’t go into labor with Taylor. So I should have known. Barry. Yeah, I know, I know. Well, here’s the second thing. Now, I gotta apologize here because I’m going to bring up moose and breezy.
00;21;07;18 – 00;21;29;29
Unknown
Sorry. I swear to God, you know how people are like, wow, pay attention to who people you know really rag on. And that must say something about themselves. I’m really not trying to rag here, but I had the radio on, a couple days ago. Oh, and I’m driving and Moose and Breezy is on, and I’m. I’m doing my best.
00;21;30;00 – 00;21;56;07
Unknown
I’m giving them giving them a chance. You know, I’m really I’m really trying to embrace. I’m really trying to understand if we ever have a radio career. Like, what does that sound like? What does that look like? Right? I actually think that you and I are really perfect for radio because, they do some, like, little, kitschy, like, game kind of things.
00;21;56;07 – 00;22;16;07
Unknown
But what we’re not good at is time management. Know. So that’s what you would be. That’s okay. All of a sudden every like 3.5 minutes or whatever Scott’s like. So today’s episode is brought to you by Slim Jims. It’s Oscar music that comes out and that’s like, shut up. Yeah. Hilarious. Yeah. He has got like a little bell that chimes in the back or whatever.
00;22;16;13 – 00;22;46;20
Unknown
But they do all these really like kitschy type of fake like games and whatever. Oh yeah. Brawling. Oh, yeah. Like, try and be breezy at trivia, right. That was one of them. And I’m like, oh my God, we would love that. That would be really great. so this one was a parent related call in, oh, where the parent calls in and the parent tells you something that their child is doing that they need help working through.
00;22;46;27 – 00;23;11;11
Unknown
Okay. And then they leave the call and other parents can text in or can call in to share their feedback. Okay. Now I’m excited about this. In this moment, I’m like, this is really great. I’m really interested. And then it got to the point. It turned real quick and I was like, I gotta go, I gotta, I got to switch radio stations.
00;23;11;11 – 00;23;30;13
Unknown
I cannot listen to this. And they’re also not parents. So that’s interesting. Either one of them. No. Yeah. Fascinating, When they do. That’s a good point because they do preface their advice with if I had kids or I would think, you know, and I’ll tell you what, I was a rockin good parent before I had a child.
00;23;30;13 – 00;23;54;20
Unknown
Oh, I nailed it. I knew everything you were supposed to do. I knew all the by the book things. I was very judgmental of other parents. I would see the parents with the kid who would be in the restaurant that would be crying, and I’d be like, you know what you’re supposed to do in that situation, right? You know, then then you have kids and you’re like, oh, that was sweet that she thought that this is what was supposed to happen.
00;23;54;20 – 00;24;18;29
Unknown
And then I’m like, given my kid, you know, lollipops and shoving them without applesauce and people like, I’m just trying to have a nice dinner out. And I also was a great parent until I became a parent and then realized that was all bullshit, that I told myself. So interesting about that. So this this mother calls in and she has a I think he must be eight, seven, eight, nine year old kid.
00;24;19;01 – 00;24;42;13
Unknown
And she says that he’s one of three children and that he’s really struggling with entitlement. So my first, you know, ding ding ding ding. This is interesting that I’m noticing is we’re already naming what these behaviors are, which is problematic to me because once you start to name a behavior, it takes on that mentality. And then we don’t make room for other things that might be happening.
00;24;42;13 – 00;25;10;23
Unknown
So we’re already calling it entitlement, which I think is is a pretty big word to use. And so she says that he’s entitled because they don’t they they try their best to give him everything that he needs. But he seems incredibly ungrateful for these things and that, yes, he has to work for some things, but he, still expects certain things to happen for him.
00;25;10;25 – 00;25;32;14
Unknown
Then they start to talk about how he’s good at basketball, but he will beat someone at basketball, and then we’ll go tell that person how much they suck at basketball, and then that’s the thing. You would absolutely not. You would do your number one. You would never beat anyone in basketball. It’s fine. You are better at sports, some people think.
00;25;32;14 – 00;25;52;24
Unknown
But I beat my daughter the other night when we played horse. Oh, excellent. And then she spelled horse wrong and I made fun of her for some time. Good. I’m like, and she’s like, I have hoes. I’m like, what is that horse I got called whore? That’s not me. That’s what I mean. You kick someone when they’re down.
00;25;52;25 – 00;26;20;21
Unknown
Poor my kids aren’t entitled I can’t, they’re not entitled at all. This, this kid beats this other kid at basketball and that is like you suck at basketball, right? You beat her a horse and you’re like, oh, learn how to spell. Hey, well, you’re gonna look like an idiot when you’re on the court. Oh my God. So and then the other example they used was that he really has a hard time when his siblings are getting praise and he is not getting praise.
00;26;20;23 – 00;26;49;17
Unknown
And I absolutely love your face right now, because they can already tell we’re feeling very differently about this and that. These parents are terrible parents. That’s the problem. There is. It comes down to that. Your kid is a reflection of you. I’m sorry. Listen, I can’t. So then all these parents start chiming in and the parents are talking about how you need to take this kid to a soup kitchen and show him what his life could be like and how good he has it.
00;26;49;17 – 00;27;21;26
Unknown
Right. And then another parents chiming in and is like, take everything from him and make him sit in a room that has absolutely nothing in it so that he can slowly but surely earn back, you know, different things. And then someone else is like, keep praising the other children around him so that he can get used to what that sounds like, and then basically tell him in no uncertain terms, you’re going to sit there while you’re listening till you know your your children, your peers.
00;27;21;28 – 00;27;44;17
Unknown
I’m dying inside. I am driving down the street like I need to stage an intervention. Do I need to text in? Do I need to call in? Right. Finally, a second grade teacher calls in and I’m like, oh God, there’s there’s hope in the world. There’s hope in the world. And she says, oh God. Every behavior comes from an unmet need.
00;27;44;21 – 00;28;25;14
Unknown
And I’m like, there she is. Yes. Thank you teacher, thank you. It’s just so perfect. So what is the unmet need. Right. And is trying to help them understand where this may be coming from. And some of the, reactions that he’s having and why he might be having those reactions. And the part that I was really struggling with is a majority of the comments that were coming in lacked such care and empathy for who this child was, and took the easy way out of just saying, oh, he’s an entitled brat.
00;28;25;17 – 00;28;52;16
Unknown
Yeah. Oh, he needs to go to the soup kitchen because that’s going to solve all of life’s problems, right? Oh, he needs to sit there and listen to his siblings be, you know, positively reinforced, right. And that’s what this podcast is about is where is where’s the people? Where are the parents that are saying, that sounds like he’s really struggling with something.
00;28;52;16 – 00;29;32;06
Unknown
Let’s try and uncover what that is. It sounds like he’s having a hard time with other people receiving praise. What might that say about how he feels about himself? Right, I, I bring this up because I really want to know what is it that is lacking in people’s level of understanding, ability to conceptualize, ability to think through this, that does not allow them to go to the next level of what is going on for fill in the blank.
00;29;32;13 – 00;29;58;21
Unknown
That child, that person, that person behind the counter at target. What is it that’s keeping people from being able to go there? But I think it’s just they there’s a problem and this is how you deal with the problem. They don’t. It’s just like when you’re prescribed medication, right. And a lot of times you prescribed medication to fix the symptom of what’s what the problem is, but it doesn’t fix the problem.
00;29;58;23 – 00;30;15;29
Unknown
Right? I mean, so the symptom is the behavior and they’re just trying to deal with the symptom. All right. This kid needs to be chastised. This kid needs to be, you know, punished or whatever, make him work in a soup kitchen. Slap them around. I don’t know that that’s that’s the symptom. It’s it’s treating the symptom. Symptom out of him.
00;30;16;04 – 00;30;44;10
Unknown
Yeah, exactly. And that’s the old school. Why? The old school is still there. It’s still strong. Why? It’s running for president. Why why why? I mean, you know, my philosophy, my philosophy is I think the parents need to look at how they’ve raised this family, how they’ve raised these children, and look at some of the things that are going on.
00;30;44;10 – 00;31;08;13
Unknown
So it’s interesting that there’s three of them, but only one of them has the issue. Supposedly the middle child, I think it’s the oldest. Oh, he’s the oldest. I could be wrong about that, but I thought it was the oldest. At least that’s how it came through to me in the conversation. I just, I don’t know, I just parent so differently in terms of,
00;31;08;15 – 00;31;28;01
Unknown
You know, expectations. Like, I don’t believe in baby proofing. I don’t I don’t believe in any of that stuff. You just teach your kid from a very young age. You don’t get to touch this period. You don’t get to have that. No. Sorry. Yeah. I mean, all behave, all things being equal, if you have typical children, then that might be okay.
00;31;28;01 – 00;32;03;20
Unknown
But when you have someone like my child has autism, you know, wait. I mean, there’s things that no matter what you do, it’s not going to work the same way like it would with a 100%. And I don’t have that experience. I have very neurotypical children who follow the rules. Don’t question me. Don’t. Yeah. Cause issues like, you know, so I have a very different experience, which is why I feel the way that I feel now, if I had a child who had a different need, that was being met or that that was an issue, I would probably respond differently, but I don’t.
00;32;03;22 – 00;32;26;16
Unknown
So but the entitlement piece is really interesting because that has to come from somewhere. like even Sawyer, her birthday was last week. How many people asked her what she wanted for her birthday? And she’s like, I don’t know, she couldn’t come up with anything because we don’t. That’s just we don’t buy things all the time. We don’t I don’t I don’t know how to put it.
00;32;26;17 – 00;32;50;29
Unknown
My kids did that too. But like, she’s just grateful for whatever she gets. That’s fine. You know, she even with Santa, right? who, somebody will say to my kids, what? What do you want Santa to bring you? And they always they will always say whatever he brings me, he’s going to bring me whatever he wants. I’m not going to, you know, because that’s just what Santa does.
00;32;51;01 – 00;33;32;11
Unknown
Santa brings with Santa brings. So you’re saying that that’s that is a product of your parenting that is a product of entitlement. How you have clarify that entitlement, a child’s entitlement? Yes, I, I think I think you have to start there and look at the parenting style and see what kinds of things could be contributing to that. So what you’re saying, if I’m hearing you correctly, is in that parent conversation, you want people to look at the parents and what the parents are doing to contribute.
00;33;32;13 – 00;33;51;01
Unknown
For instead of focusing on what is the child’s symptoms, what are the what, what’s happening with the child? We’re not going to fix the child. We need to first fix the parent. No, that right, not fix the parent. You need to just analyze it. Yeah. Just figure out what it’s analyzing. You don’t nobody’s fixing anything. No one you need to look at.
00;33;51;03 – 00;34;17;08
Unknown
Well, if you’re constantly placating to your child’s wants, needs, emotional whatever and kowtowing to that, and they don’t have any consequences or they don’t have to wait and earn something, then I would say that that’s part of the problem. Okay. Is there still an a need a need met or unmet need? Probably. Right 100%. But I think all things have to be analyzed.
00;34;17;09 – 00;34;38;08
Unknown
Have you ever had to like your kids were bullied or there was just one kid that was always a problem that clashed with your kid? Whatever. In school, you know, like never happen. Never happen. Not for my kids. No. So we would we would find, like one of my kids would come home and say, oh, this person’s a real, you know, is bothering me doing this, doing that.
00;34;38;10 – 00;34;56;24
Unknown
And we would be like, all right, well, you know, and you tell the teacher and you tell the bus driver or whatever, and you say, hey, this is happening. And then, then 2 or 3 weeks later, you meet the parent of that kid. Oh. And you’re like, oh, I see, that’s why the kids acting like that. I seen shows like right from the Asshole Tree.
00;34;56;24 – 00;35;23;20
Unknown
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I mean it a lot of it is definitely the parents. But if you think about this, what what things are influencing that kid now? TikTok, Snapchat, YouTube, all these videos that kids watch now, these little short videos, there’s so much just junk crap out there that knows video games.
00;35;23;23 – 00;35;56;21
Unknown
But my initial question was, I’m sorry. It keeps clearing my throat. I’m sorry. Keeps killing my throat. That’s still drink some water, will. Just from what that means, we’ll just cut it like that. Oh, yeah. You didn’t like that. Okay, so my initial question, though, was what is keeping people from asking themselves a deeper question about what might be going on with that child?
00;35;56;23 – 00;36;21;19
Unknown
So the question is more about what is keeping people from asking something deeper, as opposed to going right to a solution or an opinion about what we need to do to fix this child because they know any better, right? And people communicate the way that they want to be communicated to. And so people want a solution. Yeah. That’s why.
00;36;21;22 – 00;36;45;15
Unknown
Well, they want it to be fixed. If you think about going back to the whole old school thing. Right. It’s only really recently that child development really started like talking about what you’re talking about seeking what’s going on here, what’s what’s the unmet need. But before it was never like that. It was like, what’s wrong with this kid?
00;36;45;17 – 00;37;10;01
Unknown
Well, because they were standard operating procedures. Specifically, when you look at standardized public school, right, everybody sits in a in rows. Everybody’s taught the exact same way. And if you don’t fit that mold right, you are considered disabled or a problem or, you know, whatever and you’re shunned. Neurodiversity wasn’t even a like, that’s not even thought. I mean, it was a thing there was clearly thing.
00;37;10;05 – 00;37;22;08
Unknown
It was always there. But it wasn’t identified. Correct. And it wasn’t respected. Right? Right, right. So you think that this is a.
00;37;22;10 – 00;37;59;13
Unknown
A change in pushing people to think differently about cause and effect. You think that this is in growth area where people are starting to push themselves to really look at the why behind things. And it’s a change in how things were previously, and that we’re just working through it right now. We’re just trying to do a better job of the understanding piece.
00;37;59;16 – 00;38;25;05
Unknown
But I think it’s I think there’s so many layers of complicated ness. I think often people raise their children the way that they were raised, but that doesn’t always work. And now you’re adding in a, partnership dynamic. If you are a two parent household, you’re raising your children trying to milk. I don’t know if everybody does, but trying to compromise and come up with effective ways.
00;38;25;11 – 00;39;02;13
Unknown
You’re also comparing yourself because we have the world of social media and all the things that everybody’s putting their highlight reel out there. So you don’t want to be the one whose kid is an issue or whatever. Like you’re there’s just the our world have become so much more magnified and scrutinized and all of those things that you’re keeping up with the Joneses in a lot of ways, you know, it’s different than it was in the 90s when we were singing inappropriate songs on the playground, where now it’s like some kids going to take out their phone and be like, you’re bullying me.
00;39;02;18 – 00;39;31;27
Unknown
I can hate that word. Hate it. I’m so there’s a lot to unpack here. are people aware of the damage that they do when they hop to a conclusion without trying to understand what’s underneath that? No, especially with kids, because I don’t think people think that kids have real feelings. I would agree with that. That that is why I had to change the station.
00;39;31;29 – 00;40;05;01
Unknown
because I’m like, everyone’s got a real strong opinion right now on this kiddo and his behavior are based on 125 second phone call in to a radio show, and that mom is going to be listening to the feedback in the thoughts and the opinions that these people are sharing. And I wanted to jump through the radio because I’m like, do you understand the damage you could be causing right by giving your shitty ass opinions without knowing you?
00;40;05;01 – 00;40;27;16
Unknown
Bigger context when you don’t know the bigger context, you haven’t checked your own shit at the door. Start to get fired up. I was starting to get fired up, and at the end of the day, who you’re impacting is that eight year old, right? So I find myself angry about the mom who called in. Right? Don’t open up this kid’s life to the subject ness of everyone else’s opinions.
00;40;27;16 – 00;40;49;19
Unknown
When we haven’t given ourselves an opportunity to fully understand the picture. Right? I’m mad at the people who think that their opinion is so important and wonderful that we need to call in to the radio show and tell them that the kid needs to go to a soup kitchen right? Let’s say in this situation that we don’t know, this isn’t I don’t know if this is the case or not, but that’s part of my point, right?
00;40;49;25 – 00;41;06;29
Unknown
What if this kid has a past abuse history? does anyone think that that maybe plays into some of this? Yeah. What if the father’s a piece of shit? I know it is so much more like the person who. Or again, I don’t know, this family from Adam. So I don’t know. But that’s the point. You don’t know.
00;41;06;29 – 00;41;34;28
Unknown
And those factors matter. App. So that’s what I meant when I said you have to there’s a you have to analyze and look at them huge picture before you make any sort of adjustments. Yes or anything. The only feedback I can hear is the feedback that says every behavior is a result of an unmet need. Why? Because that’s not one in opinion.
00;41;34;28 – 00;41;58;17
Unknown
We know that to be true psychologically, and two, it does not give you any definitive answers about what you should do, how you should do it, what you’re doing wrong, what you should be doing differently. It’s simply encouraging you to look at a situation differently. It’s encouraging to look at the humanness associated with that person who’s sitting in front of you.
00;41;58;19 – 00;42;28;19
Unknown
And the fact that that is not the go to makes me so angry, because any conversation on that is not focused on, well, what else? Why? How come? What could be contributing to these types of things continue to perpetuate hurt, trauma, angst, anxiety, all of these really negative emotions that we then want to crucify kids for later on when they become adults.
00;42;28;21 – 00;43;03;10
Unknown
Well, I think also some of it has to do with the fact that parents don’t want a parent either. They don’t know what that means, they don’t know. They don’t want to. They don’t. They don’t know. Hi. How I think it depends. I think it’s both. I think that our generation is very me focused. We’re career oriented. We are doing all of these things and the family dynamic is very neglected.
00;43;03;13 – 00;43;21;18
Unknown
And, you know, I had a retreat yesterday with my with my staff and we were talking about and now granted, I, I work with a group that is parent focused, I work for a dads group and all we talk about is parenting. So this is very, in my world, in my, in my site all the time.
00;43;21;18 – 00;43;43;22
Unknown
And, we’re always talking about it and we, we’re talking about the quote I think Mother Teresa said it and it said, if you want to change the world, go home and love your family. That’s all you need to do. People aren’t doing that. People are too worried about posting crap online, getting likes, all this stupid stuff. That is just a problem in in my world, in my mind.
00;43;43;25 – 00;44;06;28
Unknown
So, that’s why I just have a different feeling about it. But, I think if you really step back and you looked at the values and what you’re teaching your children and those kinds of things, you would have a very different outcome then. Oh, my God, you’re so annoying. I don’t want to talk to you. Go watch your stupid iPad and you’re not even aware of what they’re watching.
00;44;07;01 – 00;44;23;10
Unknown
I’m okay if you’re a shitty parent, okay? I’m okay if you’re a shitty parent that tells your can go do whatever I want you to own, that right? But then you can’t complain when your kid’s an idiot, you or your kid lying about it, so long as you’re acknowledging that you’ve contributed to it. But that that’s the analyst.
00;44;23;11 – 00;44;49;27
Unknown
That’s the analyzing part. Right? I need you to own it. I need you to know. Right. I’ll give you a great example. So, Scott, I didn’t know that you had a child on the spectrum. I did not know that, Carter has A.D.D. anxiety and sensory processing issues. So he’s a neurodivergent kiddo, too. Again, it was a great parent before I had a kiddo that had some issues that I had to be like, wow, I’m confused about this.
00;44;49;27 – 00;45;15;16
Unknown
This isn’t presenting the way that I that I thought it would right. I completely lost my train of thought about what I was saying. What was I talking about? You’re okay with shitty parents? Yeah. So thank you. Cake is perfect. Thank you very much. Yep. Right back. Right back to where I was. So, I would have told you before having Carter that I was not the parent that was going to give my kid an iPad during dinner time, right?
00;45;15;18 – 00;45;34;26
Unknown
Because you’re going to sit with me during dinner and you’re going to be focused. We’re going to be this great, loving family. We’re gonna have great conversations and whatever. Then I had my child. Yeah, and you’re not going to dinner. You’re not having dinner. No one is appreciating dinner. We ain’t doing shit at dinner. If you’re not going to have an iPad available to my child.
00;45;34;28 – 00;46;00;26
Unknown
I have tried the coloring. I have tried Shrinky Dinks. I’ve tried all of the things that you can do at a frickin, you know, place of where it is that you’re going to eat. So am I aware that I give my child an iPad and that a result of that is going to be that when it comes to dinner conversations, this is particularly when he was young, that he might not be as well adept to have those conversations later on.
00;46;01;00 – 00;46;30;11
Unknown
Absolutely. But again, you’re analyzing the child. You’re not doing it because he’s just annoying. Maybe you are you. Yeah. But yes, that is a part of it. I’m I’m I’m supporting his needs. But I’m also very aware that that is not my favorite part of my parenting, but it is a part of my parenting. And when I go over to my friend Sarah’s house and she’s like, why are you giving your kid that iPad at dinner, right?
00;46;30;11 – 00;46;45;04
Unknown
I say, because I know my child and I know we’re not getting through dinner unless he has an iPad, right? But I can be aware of that, and I can be aware of the impact that that has, because I can own it and I can see it and I can know, again, it’s not my proudest parenting moment, but I’m doing it.
00;46;45;05 – 00;47;06;01
Unknown
You gotta do what you gotta do. You have to adapt, right? Oh my God. What you’re saying is exactly why, I generally when my mom talks to me and says, how are the kids? I say, they’re fine. because if I say, well, you know, John’s got this, and Abby’s doing this, and Sean’s doing this, she has an opinion and her opinion.
00;47;06;01 – 00;47;30;28
Unknown
I love her, I appreciate her opinion, but her opinion comes from absolutely no background and no education in my family. And she’s also not living it day to day and committed to making it. And she’s applying. She’s applying her experience as a as a parent from like 40 years ago ago. And that’s like it doesn’t it doesn’t. And two point about damage.
00;47;31;01 – 00;47;47;16
Unknown
Think about the damage. That and again maybe damage is too strong of a word. But think about the impact that that can have. If you have someone who has not experienced what that’s like to be in your family, who is saying, well, just don’t give them an iPad, I don’t understand right now. Exactly. Let’s let’s be real clear of that.
00;47;47;16 – 00;48;06;00
Unknown
Can I have had some drop down discussions about this because she has neurotypical children and she hasn’t had to deal with any of this. And there have been times in our conversation I have said to her, spend one week with my family and tell me that you do something different. We’ve been at odds with each other because I have felt that her.
00;48;06;00 – 00;48;28;04
Unknown
This is how you do it. This is the parenting style. This is how it needs to be. If I’m not doing it like that, that I’m somehow doing something wrong, right? Right. Or I’m I’m being judged as not being a good parent. And so we’ve come a very long way in those conversations, in those journeys where now she’s very clear when she’ll have a reaction to something that I’m doing, that her first thought is not that stupid.
00;48;28;04 – 00;48;43;28
Unknown
Why would you do that? You know, you’re really screwing him up for life. Her first thought is, you know who I trust Aaron to do the right thing for her child because, wow, I’ve never had to experience that before. I’ve never had to react in that way. I’ve never had to give in, you know, in a certain way.
00;48;43;28 – 00;49;04;13
Unknown
Here’s here’s a great example. Was it around Christmas time? Wherever it was, the dog went outside to take a shit, and he and Carter, needed to go outside and pick up after the dog. Oh, yeah. This is what I know about my child. I know that if you say, get out there and pick up the dog poop, he’s gonna double down.
00;49;04;15 – 00;49;27;06
Unknown
He’s going to stall. He’s going to tell you that he’ll do it on his own terms. Right. You have some of the, stubbornness come out to play. Right? And then here we are in a an all in battle about the dog poop outside. So Rebecca’s cleaning some squash or doing something that’s a frickin. It’s a frickin sink.
00;49;27;09 – 00;49;47;28
Unknown
And I say to Carter, hey, buddy, I noticed that the dog just went to the bathroom outside. before you move on to whatever your next activity is, could you just make sure that that’s taken care of? And he said, sure. Mom and Rebecca said, well, ready to be real assertive there, mom, wait. Tell him that he needed to go outside and, you know, pick up the dog poop, right?
00;49;48;01 – 00;50;08;20
Unknown
And within, I don’t know, ten minutes. Carter on his own terms, quietly without announcing it to anyone because he again doesn’t want to give in, that he’s doing something that someone asked him to do, goes outside, picks up the dog poop, puts it away, comes in and pretends like nothing happened. And I turned to her and I said, did it look like I needed to be dropped down?
00;50;08;20 – 00;50;24;15
Unknown
Hard ass, nasty parent with him? Or does it look like he was able to do that on on his own? And she said, that’s fair. That is fair. But I also didn’t say you needed to be a nasty parent. You could have said, Carter, go pick up the dog food, please. That’s what I would have done right. But that doesn’t work for Carter.
00;50;24;16 – 00;50;55;13
Unknown
That’s what that’s my point. That’s I, I don’t have pushback. Yeah. In my experience. Exactly. I had exactly I have a different experience. Different experience. Absolutely. But that that’s the point, right. It’s when people who don’t have the experiences like and like you said, most embraced. You don’t even have to not even Perry. Yeah. Want to have a really strong opinion on what you should be doing with your child, that those of us who have to have a unique experience because of having neurodivergent children get really fucking pissed.
00;50;55;16 – 00;51;13;24
Unknown
That one. So happy that your life is so by the books and kosher that you don’t have to come up with these other strategies. Because you know what? It’s exhausting for me to have to come up with these. Oh, it’s really exhausting. So totally get it feels in that moment. Not specifically to you. I’m just saying in general feels like real nice.
00;51;13;24 – 00;51;33;13
Unknown
Thanks for rubbing it in my face that you don’t have to actually come up with anything creative, right? Good for you. Good for your perfect family, right? Which is not it’s not right. It’s okay. But we have very different issues to those of us who who are really trying on a regular basis, I don’t I you can relate with this, Scott.
00;51;33;13 – 00;51;51;05
Unknown
I don’t know if anyone has any clue how much emotional energy it takes to have to bob weave, change, pay attention to the mentality. You know, make sure like, okay, is he in a sensory responsive mood or a sensory avoidant mood? Am I allowed to give him a hug right now, or does he want me to be as far away as possible from him?
00;51;51;12 – 00;52;11;07
Unknown
It’s exhausting. And when you are a perfectionist like myself and all you want is a happy go lucky family, that looks very similar to other families, it’s can be really difficult to have to manage the ins and outs of the people calling in to the radio show that says, you know what? That kid needs to go to a frickin soup kitchen, right?
00;52;11;10 – 00;52;33;04
Unknown
And so I found myself having this reaction on this show that was like, God, we’re doing harm. We’re harming the mom. Or basically by giving those opinions saying, you dumb idiot, didn’t you think you were supposed to do this right? And then I’m mad again at the mom for calling in and asking for these opinions because I’m like, why are we asking a whole bunch of strangers how we need to process our own kids issues?
00;52;33;04 – 00;52;53;07
Unknown
Right then I’m mad for the kid because I’m like, the kid’s going to be on the receiving end of all of this little sugar that doesn’t have anything to do with anything, has not taken any into account anything that might have previously gone on for this child. No one’s taking the compassionate moment to say, wow, sounds like he’s struggling.
00;52;53;09 – 00;53;18;02
Unknown
This this behavior sounds like a kid who’s really trying to identify himself, to be seen, to be whatever. Right? And if we can come from that place of compassion and we can say something as simple as, wow, I might not have reacted that way, but I don’t walk in your shoes. And so I can very much appreciate that you know what you’re doing because you understand your family dynamic, right?
00;53;18;04 – 00;53;36;21
Unknown
That is how these conversations start to dissipate and how we start to give back the power to the people who needed to have it all along, to look at themselves, to look at what they need to be doing differently and to help support these, in this case, children who are just trying to do their best with what they have available to them.
00;53;36;21 – 00;53;56;09
Unknown
Well, you just reminded me, when I think back to the olden days when remember those show Supernanny? Oh yeah, what I loved about her was the fact that she literally came in and just spent a week with you. Just watched you. Yeah, that was the whole purpose. Yep. Because she was looking at the children’s emotional, social, emotional need.
00;53;56;09 – 00;54;21;05
Unknown
She was looking at the parents, their needs. She was looking at the style, all of these things. And then she would come in in a very caring, loving way and say, let me tell you, yes, the here’s the research, here’s what I’m seeing. Let’s try this. Right. And that’s all it is. Yes. That’s all it is. Yes. And that was a beautiful never, never did she come in even in the hardest of hard scenarios.
00;54;21;07 – 00;54;39;05
Unknown
Never was she laying a hand on a child. Never was she getting in a child’s face. No, never. Was she trying to be really clear about the power dynamic and the fact that she was on top right? Everything she was doing was coming from a place of understanding, caring, empathy and joining the process of joining. Yep. You know.
00;54;39;06 – 00;55;00;21
Unknown
Yeah. But I think I also think it’s okay to say no, you know, it’s okay to be like, we’re not going to ingest junk because it’s junk. We are not going to eat sugar foods because it’s junk and you can’t a body doesn’t process that normally and then you have a reaction. It’s okay to do all of those things.
00;55;00;22 – 00;55;19;00
Unknown
Absolutely. And it’s okay to have expectations and it’s okay to give in, give and take. You know, like, you know, you may feel really strongly about homework, but maybe we just can’t do it today. It’s like, hey, there’s this there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with the way you parent. There’s nothing wrong with the way I parent.
00;55;19;05 – 00;55;47;16
Unknown
Right? There’s nothing wrong with expectations. There’s nothing wrong with that lack of expectations. But in my household, as our family, this is how we function. Yep. Right? Yes and yes. Exactly. What you just said is so perfect in our family. This is how we function in my family. The three of us are rather introverted people that like to be alone a majority of the day.
00;55;47;18 – 00;56;13;29
Unknown
Do you know what that looks like on the outside? I’m upstairs in my bedroom watching TV on a Saturday when we don’t have anything planned. Mark is downstairs playing MLB The Show in his office with the door closed in the basement, and Carter is sitting in our middle level with a blanket over his head watching YouTube kids. Anyone who walks into that scenario immediately is thinking, what a disconnected family, what a non level playing.
00;56;13;29 – 00;56;34;16
Unknown
I don’t know what the heck is there? Yeah, why aren’t they doing something together? Why aren’t they doing this? I don’t think people think that. Oh, I certainly do think that. I am confident. People think that when I say not jokingly, I cannot go on a vacation with my family because we cannot we do not have the personalities that allow us to vacation.
00;56;34;18 – 00;56;54;08
Unknown
The trip to Ocean City, Maryland was a phenomenal example. Mark wants to do this. I want to do this. Carter wants to do this. We were a hot disaster, a mess. It was horrendous. It was terrible. And we all came back in in the car on the way back as Carter’s throwing up out the door because he has motion sickness issues like his mom and can’t can handle it.
00;56;54;08 – 00;57;12;20
Unknown
I said, are we all clear in this car that we love each other enough to never vacation together again? And what did they all say? Yep. Yep. Right. That if you don’t think that’s weird, maybe it’s because we’re, I’m sorry that that happened to you. Thank you. I wish it would have gone a different way. Thank you.
00;57;12;20 – 00;57;38;06
Unknown
Like we I’ve had we’ve had similar situations like when, when when my son was younger, I was a stay at home dad and had to deal with, with his sensory issues. And I was also new to winter because I grew up in Florida. So here I am in Rochester. I’ve never had to deal with boots and hats and gloves and mittens and jackets and shoes and the shoes.
00;57;38;08 – 00;58;01;13
Unknown
I can’t really do anything. So we have to be on a certain way that they slide down. She freaks out. Oh God, I can’t. Oh yeah. Now our whole body is falling in like water. Oh yeah, and I know. And at the time, I mean, nobody. This was 070809. Some people didn’t know about anything new. They just thought I had a kid.
00;58;01;13 – 00;58;20;02
Unknown
That was an asshole. That’s right. And I’d have people looking at me like, what’s wrong? You’re such a parent. Are you in control? That’s right. You can’t. How would you like your kid? Yep, I know, I know, I know. Then I would go home and drink. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. I don’t drink anymore. Yes. Right. Because you have to cope.
00;58;20;02 – 00;58;36;09
Unknown
Because it was like Sam was like, you have no fucking clue what? I have to go to school. I have no idea. They were like, you know, he’s not doing this and he’s not doing that. I said, you know why? Because he has to hold it together all day in school that when he gets home, that’s it. That’s right.
00;58;36;12 – 00;59;03;26
Unknown
He’s got to go. You want to know what a superpower is, Scott? What you just said. It is the adaptable parent who can understand the dynamics of their own relationship, family dynamic, do what’s best in the best interest of their family, no matter who’s in that family. Oh, yeah. And to stand by that in the face of everyone else who wants to have an opinion on what you should or should not be doing differently, do you have, do you do family dinners?
00;59;03;28 – 00;59;26;27
Unknown
Do you like everybody sit around the table? No, no, but we don’t either. We we have we have it’s actually kind of funny in my house that we talk about how we very rarely sit around the table and have a meal. usually it’s at holidays, but the always the story that comes up is, remember the last time we decided to sit down and have it have a meal and have a dinner, you know, at the table?
00;59;26;27 – 00;59;44;08
Unknown
And what what? Did Sean laugh? And he spit his milk all over the table and we all could need our food. That’s right, that’s right. And that’s that’s what happens. So we eat a tray tables, you know, and yeah, that’s what we do. And everybody’s fine for it. Oh, we don’t even do that. Sawyer eats in my bed.
00;59;44;08 – 01;00;01;27
Unknown
You know she. No, literally she eats dinner in my bed watching TV because she wants to watch what she wants to watch. Taylor eats in her bed because she wants to watch what she wants to watch. And Phillip and I eat together on the couch watching what we want to watch together. That sounds like my family tree, except my son Sean will take his food down to the basement and then never bring his plates up.
01;00;01;27 – 01;00;21;03
Unknown
Oh, yeah. So when you go into into his room, it’s the most disgusting thing in the world. Yeah. But don’t you wish that we could embrace that a little bit more. I’m imagining a hashtag that says my beautiful imperfect family. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And I would tell the story about Ocean City, Maryland how we don’t vacation anymore and everyone’s okay with that.
01;00;21;07 – 01;00;45;20
Unknown
I would tell the story about how the other day, Mark came to the top where he was sitting watching TV or something, and Carter’s doing, who the hell knows what I’m doing dishes, whatever. And he goes and stands by the basement door and he goes, I’m having sensory overload right now. I’m going down stairs and Carter and I, without skipping a beat, clap and say, way to recognize your needs, dad, only to recognize your needs.
01;00;45;27 – 01;01;13;03
Unknown
He goes downstairs. We’re all cracking up, right? Because we are embracing the fact that that shit’s hilarious. He he he has never identified himself as someone who has, like, especially from hearing perspective, sensory overload. He can’t handle it when the cats lick themselves. He wants to jump out of a plane. He can’t handle it when the dog has licked the water too much out of it, he’s like, how’s it going, John?
01;01;13;03 – 01;01;43;05
Unknown
You had enough to drink, right? And so, because that’s never been identified for him before, he just is a curmudgeon who’s pissed most of the time. Until you then have a kid with sensory issues that we’re like, oh, wow, look at us. We’re a massively sensory family, and we’ve never known that before. Right? So one of the things you’ve been able to do earlier than most, and maybe it’s because you’ve had a rather quote unquote typical family is that you’ve been able to identify the dynamics and the normalcy is associated with your family.
01;01;43;05 – 01;02;08;23
Unknown
You all sit on Big Bertha and watch TV together, right? You we talk about how we could live in a tiny home. Not a problem, right? My family could be in a one bedroom, right home and be completely fine. But you’ve identified those family dynamics. But what’s allowed you to do that in some ways, is the privilege associated with the fact that nothing that you’re doing is so far off course of a typical family that it would make anyone feel weird about it, right?
01;02;08;25 – 01;02;27;22
Unknown
When it comes to Scott in my family. Holy cow. You know, you would. You’d say, I don’t think your families are weird sitcom somewhere this morning. So I just ran out of, I ran out of my Cologne, my polo Cologne or Ralph Lauren or whatever. And, I asked Kelly to go get me another bottle, and she did.
01;02;27;22 – 01;02;46;00
Unknown
And there it was this morning. I took it out of the box, and I went to put it on, and they changed the bottle and made it some. I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with that bottle, but it has just the weirdest texture. And I was like, oh, I can’t use that. No. Yeah. And I put it down and look at, look at I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
01;02;46;00 – 01;03;10;23
Unknown
Like I was like, I was like, oh my God, I can’t touch that. Yeah, that’s so funny. We were talking the other day about, I’m watching all these memes or whatever, because we’re always talking about the, neurodivergent stuff. So my whole feed is full. All of that constantly. Yeah. And this, these things that keep coming up are like, a mom or whatever will showcase all the things that their kid does.
01;03;10;23 – 01;03;32;12
Unknown
And then and then the dad will be like, no big deal or whatever. And the dad’s doing the exact same thing. Yeah. So, like, the more they’re learning about narrative vaginas, it’s like, yeah, it’s hereditary. Yeah, yeah, it’s not true. I mean, it’s powerful. It’s really beautiful. When you start to figure something, when you start to see, you’re like like, oh my gosh.
01;03;32;13 – 01;03;48;21
Unknown
Yeah. It took Carter coming into our lives for Mark. And I noticed right that we had these little Oreos. Oh my god. Yes. And now and now every day I send you these things I’m like and I love it. So you that one, this is me the other day, the hi masking. Oh my gosh, I swear to God I know like I got to put that down.
01;03;48;22 – 01;04;10;19
Unknown
I’m sorry. That’s not worth it. It’s all uncomfortable, right? It’s you stay like a whole new level. Yeah. I go to donuts anymore. Oh, God. We not get. No, because I don’t get the same drink that I get. I know, but again, this is why we work. Because I’m so flexible, I don’t care. My daughter died, so the other day I have, like, do you all have fun together?
01;04;10;19 – 01;04;27;02
Unknown
She’s like, yeah, when he needs a break, you just need to break. I let him redo what he needs to do and then we pick right back up. That’s great. Carter goes into his room, spend sometimes by himself a little while. I play by myself outside and car comes out and we pick right back up. Right. And but but again, like, yeah, I’m not raising her to be judgmental.
01;04;27;02 – 01;04;45;12
Unknown
Just great. Meet people where they’re at, right? Be the flexible person. If you don’t need you don’t need those needs. Yeah. So give it to the other people. That’s right. The problem is, is a lot of people that are afraid of that approach. There’s a lot of people that I know we can’t share. Goddamn French fries. I know she’s gonna go to the goddamn right in the store.
01;04;45;18 – 01;05;16;11
Unknown
Fine. We gotta do that. Fine. whatever. she can’t let me drive because she’s terrified she’s gonna die. That’s what he’s coming up to. I swear to God, I just. My whole life just have been someone who’s like, you know, just I. It just feels better if I do it this way. That all sudden Rebecca comes out of my life, she’s like, sure, we gotta go to the right and then I’m like, oh, didn’t realize the middle of your presentation in front of all these professionals.
01;05;16;11 – 01;05;37;06
Unknown
She’s like, I give myself Freedom Fridays. And I’m thinking, what the fuck is that? And she goes, Freedom Fridays means I don’t need to clean the windows and my shower and I and I can’t help myself, but I but I said, but I can only do it on Fridays because the other days of the week I cannot allow myself to not squeegee my shower walls right, right out of nowhere, out loud.
01;05;37;08 – 01;06;01;27
Unknown
Because yes, she can. Yeah, you can, you can, you can. Yeah, totally can you? Oh my God, so funny. So we just laugh about these things because they’re funny now. But now that we’re, like picking up on it and noticing that it’s a thing. Right? But it is. It’s hilarious. Yes, but I can. But that’s why people can rub each other the wrong way, because they just can’t.
01;06;01;29 – 01;06;19;03
Unknown
Some people are just and and I don’t even think it’s a rigid thing. I don’t think you’re being rigid. It’s just the way you do things. You have to remember that no one is fighting the same battles or doing the same things that you’re doing right. And at the end of the day, if we can say, you know what?
01;06;19;05 – 01;06;38;29
Unknown
I believe in you. I have more power and presence and what it is that you’re doing and how can I support you? And less why are you doing that? That’s so weird. You’re a shitty parent, right? If we can just embrace, ask the why, approach it with curiosity and maybe just trust that people are doing the best that they possibly can?
01;06;38;29 – 01;07;02;06
Unknown
Yeah, I really feel we’d be living in a very different don’t give advice unless you ask for it, right? Because there’s so many times where people will give their unsolicited advice and I’m like, thank you. You want to know? Take that a step further. Even when someone asks for advice, don’t hear as them asking for advice. Here it is them asking for support.
01;07;02;08 – 01;07;18;12
Unknown
That’s next level right there. So when you say to me, hey, I got to call you and I got to ask you about what would you do in this situation instead of me being like, the answer is that we do this, this and this, right? Maybe I say to you, I have so many thoughts about what I could do about that, but what’s your first thought?
01;07;18;12 – 01;07;34;12
Unknown
What if you had to come up with the answer right now on your own? What would you be thinking? I’m going to tell you, in the history of me doing therapy with people, 98% of the time they are choosing the thing that is most aligned with what it is that they want to do and are going to do anyway.
01;07;34;15 – 01;07;55;20
Unknown
Right? They’re wanting to because of their own anxiety, their own concern, their own confusion. They’re wanting to mask that in. Can you validate for me that what I’m thinking is correct? And if we do a little less, you know, opinion giving and it doesn’t have to be correct or wrong, right. I always I you see there’s no right and wrong for anything.
01;07;55;20 – 01;08;16;18
Unknown
There’s consequences to all choices positive negative, whatever. So you have to be able to choose and stand on that. Whether it’s you, whether it’s my three year old, whatever. I always say that’s a choice. Go ahead. And that’s such a great example of hearing what’s under the actual question. Right. So the question is I need your help validating this.
01;08;16;18 – 01;08;37;12
Unknown
I need your opinion. And what we hear under that is I’m just looking for someone to support me. I’m not feeling confident. I’m feeling like I might make a wrong decision. And what if we approached that with, if you couldn’t make a mistake here, what would you do? Right, right, right. I may not agree with it, and that may not be what I’m going to choose to do.
01;08;37;12 – 01;08;59;21
Unknown
Right? But it’s not about me. Absolutely. It’s not about me. Right? By. Absolutely. But when we can’t see that and we get caught up in that thing, we feel real good at the end of the day about making sure that our opinion is heard over other people’s opinions. Whose interests are we really serving right. And today, with a card, well, I would love I wanted to do a question.
01;08;59;21 – 01;09;07;29
Unknown
Let’s do a yes or no question. Okay. Who is a better parent, Erin or.
01;09;08;01 – 01;09;27;15
Unknown
Oh my gosh, that’s going to put you in there. Gosh, that’s how I really feel. So you didn’t even make the cut. But our approach to life. No asking a yes or no question okay Scott, give us a yes or no question. What’s the. I can be stupid. Who cares? Wait, I have to come up with the question.
01;09;27;16 – 01;09;46;09
Unknown
Well, I don’t know, because I couldn’t so I just so I felt like I’m too, content. I’m concentrating on the fact that I’ve had to urinate really bad. Oh, wow. A stack of pants. Am I going to piss my pants? Yes or no? Oh my God, what could we ask? What could we, What’s the world going to move more toward?
01;09;46;11 – 01;10;12;00
Unknown
Being open, curious and supportive of when people are looking for insight as opposed to opinionated and righteous? I answer that right now. Clear? Oh, you’re asking the cards. We’re asking. We’re asking. Yeah, it’s going to say, because I know the answer. But go ahead. So the Eight of Swords came up great. The Eight of Swords. And it’s called a restriction.
01;10;12;02 – 01;10;31;18
Unknown
Good. That’s great. My point I think that’s great. Okay, great. Eight of swords eight means change in this. Eight sees you on the brink of that change. As you realize the way you’re being restricted by your circumstances at work, in a relationship or project. The card often shows a relationship on lockdown because one of you is not free to make a commitment.
01;10;31;20 – 01;10;53;03
Unknown
An additional meaning is being bound by too much responsibility. Advice. Get practical and see that you are in control of your own future regardless of what others think. You can free yourself by being less tolerant of demands of others. Stop! Oh, is that for real? And then listen to this affirmation card. I know that my deepest desires are the pathway pathways toward my dreams.
01;10;53;03 – 01;11;19;01
Unknown
I’m going where it feels right to the right. It’s always to the right, always to the right. And lastly, unless where’s the one? We don’t go to the right. Kirkland’s. No, not Kirkland. It was Christmas tree shop. Oh, yeah, that was close. Now. That’s right. We don’t go there anymore. That’s right. It’s always the ring. Oh, it’s. Have a good day I loved that.
01;11;19;04 – 01;11;53;20
Unknown
Me too. Isn’t empathy amazing? Well we’re amazing. I don’t know about all this empathy stuff. That’s fine. I accept you wherever you are. Oh, God, I love you. I love you, too. And if you love us, please like and subscribe to more. Love the power of empathy podcast wherever you get your podcasts. See you next time.