Episode 217-Bologna Whoppers

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;11;21
Unknown
What’s the plan for this one? I can’t. You’ll find out.
00;00;11;24 – 00;00;36;21
Unknown
Hey, it’s me Erin Thanks for joining us on the Moor Love podcast. Do not tell Rebecca, but this podcast is about empathy. She likes people to think she’s dead inside. But the truth is, she’s a big time feeler who has truly helped me uncover that empathy is my superpower. Here she comes. Hey, bestie. I love money, Dylan. Oh, just getting ready to host a podcast.
00;00;36;24 – 00;01;01;19
Unknown
A podcast about what our life. Our life as best friends who are more like sisters. Oh, yay, I love us and I can’t wait to share our stories with the world. Especially the ones that involve us pushing each other right to be our most authentic selves. Oh, man. Okay, we’re now at the point in the podcast where you say one word we get to talk about, and Scott goes.
00;01;01;19 – 00;01;22;15
Unknown
You’ll find out. And then boom, just starts some music. We’re officially at that point, which I absolutely love. And you know, the fact that the answer is the same all the time that doesn’t stop you from asking the question is quite fascinating. The answer is always the same. What? Always the same. It’s almost like you have this. This desire.
00;01;22;19 – 00;01;42;08
Unknown
I mean, like, what if, what if, what if I was like, oh, we’re talking about restaurant etiquette. Oh, okay, I know now. Okay. Now I realize it’s just the mind. And then like what? Like, what does that do for you? Well, fine. It just gives me context. Well, empathy. We’re going to be talking about empathy in some way, shape or form.
00;01;42;08 – 00;01;57;02
Unknown
That is broad. Yeah. Great. You want to know the exact topic because for the last episode, that we did, I had a big old plan for that one. I know we talk about any of that. I know who you’re talking about. I got my I got my post-it notes over here. I got on my stuff, you know?
00;01;57;02 – 00;02;15;01
Unknown
So then that’s what happens is I tell you what we’re going to talk about. You take us on some way, know in whatever. I’m sorry. So I don’t know. Why don’t you tell us what we’re talking about? Because I will tell you that, my TVs have not been working in my house. And, Philip, because we have this legal TV system.
00;02;15;01 – 00;02;33;26
Unknown
Right? And Philip. Philip had them. The spectrum people come and change out the road routers as I was called. Router. Yeah. Or modem or whatever. And, we’ve done all the reset like all the stuff. And so for the first time in a long time, we decided to watch a movie down in his man room. Yeah. Which when he went, he loves watching TV down there because it’s great.
00;02;33;27 – 00;02;57;09
Unknown
Yeah. Ten minutes into the movie, all fucked up. I said it’s my energy. It’s my energy. Well, I’m. I’m not going to beat that. It’s my energy. It’s the same with my computer. My computer’s not working correctly. I can only use my phone in my office. One certain angle or. It’s all weird. I nobody else’s problems. I know, I know.
00;02;57;12 – 00;03;10;07
Unknown
I can tell you up the street. Told you that I know, but I can’t see it. Oh. I’m sorry. Are you doing what you’re supposed to be doing? How are you doing with your groundedness? Are you wearing more black? Are you walking with your feet on the ground? Do you have your black stone that you rub? Are you doing anything?
00;03;10;08 – 00;03;27;23
Unknown
Because if you’re not, I have that. And I’m wearing black pants. If you are not doing a big deal and you do the things you’re supposed to be doing, I can’t keep keep sipping it, keep sipping it, let everyone know you’re done with your drink. If you’re not doing it, I guys get my password. You gotta get my money because it’s from from last Thursday.
00;03;27;24 – 00;03;43;25
Unknown
It is? Yeah. All right, well, you got a you got a hippie rule card for us. I do, but do you need me to read it? I can change the cards. Okay. So this is going to be good. The ace of swords. Ace of swords. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. this is the mermaid cards. And look at this.
00;03;43;25 – 00;04;06;17
Unknown
It’s a, great white shark. Yeah, with a jack one sword and it says victory. Oh, look at that. Sorry. It has a purple jewel, thing at the top. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. That’s a great white or a dolphin. Oh, that’s a great white. Okay. Look at his mouth. Oh, yeah. Then he also knew Neil. So please don’t use that sword.
00;04;06;17 – 00;04;25;17
Unknown
So we’re asking dolphin if there is one. There is no sludge, just the shark. Okay. The meaning is victory. This ace reveals that you will benefit from a smart decision that leads to immediate victory. If you’ve been beset by uncertainty or delays in your plans, this. Each ace shows a breakthrough as you cut through. Do you hear that?
00;04;25;18 – 00;04;43;15
Unknown
Just a truck going by. Oh, I thought he was putting music on. I’m like, he’s getting ready for the big reveal. Yeah, okay. The ace shows a breakthrough as you cut through confusion to win power and success in relationships. You make a positive new beginning. The card is also a sign of mental clarity. So you are sharp witted.
00;04;43;15 – 00;05;02;12
Unknown
There may be a legal victory or a triumph in an argument or to be sued. The advice is to use your intelligence and the victory is yours. All right, bring it up for me. What do you want for me? No. Yeah. That’s my legal victory for my house case. What’s been going on ad infinitum. Okay. It’s finally going to come to a close.
00;05;02;12 – 00;05;21;16
Unknown
Okay. Shark attack. Shark attack with your spear, I got it. Could not be any more clear. I can’t, the answer is you are wrong. You didn’t complete the requirements. You said in the contract I am correct. Don’t you know that I have the answers? I know the answer, right? Right. You know who agrees with me? My lawyer. Right?
00;05;21;18 – 00;05;43;14
Unknown
Right, right. Yeah, yeah, that one’s for me. That one’s definitely for me. You think it’s for you. Oh yes. Oh you do. Oh there’s, there’s many, many things that we can’t discuss on the session on the public air. Okay. But yeah that, that you’re hitting the home run for. Oh yeah. Remember last week we had a whole plan and then I screenshot it and said here’s the plan.
00;05;43;18 – 00;05;58;26
Unknown
Yeah. Yeah. That’s yeah. That’s, okay. I think that’s going to come together and be really great. Okay. I love it. So and then you tell me the plan and I said, hey, make sure you send it to me in advance so I can let you know that you need to up your prices. And then like I said, no, I’m not kidding.
00;05;58;28 – 00;06;26;04
Unknown
I’m actually not kidding. Yeah, we’re also at that. So we’ll see. Okay I see, it’s exciting. We’ll see. Okay. I got a good story for you okay. So last week I was in Buffalo with Renee and we went to a few consignment shops. and I remember one at if we went to our favorite one, I wouldn’t tell you because you wouldn’t be able to handle it.
00;06;26;04 – 00;06;42;01
Unknown
And then I would have to talk about it all day. So instead, you just didn’t go, so. Oh, you went. No, I’m telling you, if we did go, I wouldn’t even tell you that we went. I would tell you. Nope, nope. We didn’t just want to say consignment shops. now, how do you feel now? You want to talk about your feelings?
00;06;42;03 – 00;06;58;24
Unknown
Now I want to know if there’s anything good there. Yeah. Anyway, I went to a couple consignment shops. One of them was a first for a real junk shop we’ve never been to before. And it was. It was fascinating. It was a good no. Oh, it was bad. No, no, but it was. But some of those are hit or miss.
00;06;58;25 – 00;07;13;17
Unknown
Like a good one. It looked like a good one. You know, we can’t make a lot of you can’t make an assumption about the outside. I know because it’s either dead on or dead off. I know, I know, and there’s this the amount of stuff that was in the windows made me think, it’s this one, this is it.
00;07;13;17 – 00;07;35;22
Unknown
But then I walked in. It was a little too organized, a little too. It wasn’t it, it wasn’t it. but I didn’t know until I how I’m feeling about the shops on Westridge. I’m like, it’s just becoming Hobby Lobby. I know now what they did have the poor, but still, I know, I know, I did change it up because I know it’s much more of a boutique.
00;07;35;22 – 00;07;56;12
Unknown
It’s classy, it’s not quite lovely, beautiful, but it’s not what we want. We want your dog. We want the we get the shop from the 80s. That’s just like, yeah, garage sale center, right? This is. You don’t know what you’re going to find right? There’s a little hidden gems. I know, I know, when we go to the shop, some restaurants, we do get excited.
00;07;56;12 – 00;08;10;13
Unknown
And then it’s 150 bucks, I know, and then we’re like, I know. And that’s that’s not why I’m there. No, I’m there for the $2 and 50 cent American flag. Remember? Remember when I wanted that bird pillow and she said it was 30. There was no tag on it. I don’t know how much it was. And she’s like, it’s $30.
00;08;10;13 – 00;08;29;19
Unknown
I’m like, not today. And then she brought it down and I’m like, still, not today. She brought it down. No, no, she said it was $45. Oh then then because we stood there long enough, right. She brought it down to $29. Right now I’m thinking absolutely that’s we can do that. And I said no, and you said no.
00;08;29;19 – 00;08;49;22
Unknown
And I turned to you and said, how much would you pay for this pillow? And you said, $20. I said, we’re $9 off. Yeah. We’re not. And you said yes. And you gave as a cashier. And I look at you and I look at that woman and I take nine, I know, $9 cash. I know. And I said, give her the damn pillow.
00;08;49;22 – 00;09;04;29
Unknown
I know. And you took that $9 shirt. And I look at that pillow every day and think of when you love it. Don’t you love it? I do, I do, and I got the one that looks that sweet tooth that, you know, that show that I love to watch. It looks like sweet tooth. And that pillow makes me very happy.
00;09;04;29 – 00;09;28;06
Unknown
Yeah, but you don’t even care about the price. I care about the price. That was 599. All day. All day. It was at least $20. Now, that was fine. Yeah, it was at 29. Not freaking junks for us. That’s the other thing I was I was buying something with, Rene last weekend, and she is like, I picked it up and I put it in the cart.
00;09;28;06 – 00;09;44;23
Unknown
She’s like, how much does it? Oh, okay. We don’t care how much it costs. And I laugh. And because you guys are always like that and you don’t even look at that. And I said, if I want it, I want it. I don’t know what to tell you. I will put it in the cart. And I don’t do that for every thing I do check the prices on some things.
00;09;44;23 – 00;10;06;09
Unknown
But if I know I’m not leaving here without this thing, why bother looking at the price? I mean, show me when we get up there. So anyway, we’re at a consignment shop and we’re walking around, you know, doing a whole bunch of stuff, looking at a bunch of stuff. Rene doesn’t like to shop. She doesn’t. She’s she’s a good sport, you know, she’ll she’ll hang in there, but she’s over it in about five, seven minutes after we get in there.
00;10;06;11 – 00;10;30;08
Unknown
And, so we’re walking around and we get to this section that’s more home than clothing. Oh, my favorite part. Our home. Really? Yeah. And I’m talking about who knows what. There’s a woman back there. It’s cold. Who the heck knows what we’re talking about? And all of a sudden the woman says, ladies, may I have your opinion on on something?
00;10;30;08 – 00;11;02;08
Unknown
Oh, boy. And we turn and I say, yeah, sure. So she’s holding up two vases. Oh, okay. They’re exactly the same. And it’s gotta be. How tall would you say this? two for two feet, two feet, two feet. And it’s teal blue. But it is like teal blue speckled clear glass. No. It’s like like pottery you would make.
00;11;02;08 – 00;11;21;13
Unknown
Oh yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. In high school okay, okay. And it has these like pedal looking things that come up. These are the things that you can find it like a craft fair. Yes. Yeah. It’s it’s pedal coming up with a hole in the metal pedal coming up with the hole in metal. It’s pedal upon, pedal upon pedal on pan, pedal what you’re talking about.
00;11;21;13 – 00;11;46;15
Unknown
You know what I’m talking? Ugly, ugly, ugly. Thank you for saying that. Rene is listening right now. And dying. She’s cracking up ugly. Because you just said that. Put it back, lady. Put it back. So she’s got both of these that she says. You guys, Now, I need to preface this. Rene is not a home decorator. Rene is the last person that you’re going to ask for some home advice on what you should do in your house.
00;11;46;17 – 00;12;08;21
Unknown
She, you know, will wear these these clothing items that she’s like, I don’t know if this is it. And I’m like, it’s not it, right? Like she is. And so she, she knows this about herself. This it’s not a surprise. She doesn’t feel insulted by it. She knows that this ain’t it. Right. Okay. But that it also doesn’t keep her from sharing her opinions very clearly.
00;12;08;23 – 00;12;40;23
Unknown
Someone has some questions about some things. This woman who in the back is holding up these two faces and says, ladies, I was just wondering if I could have your opinion. my home is boho and I’m wondering if these vases would go really well in like a boho type house. So I, I usually I had my bets a little bit because I’m aware that sometimes people need some, some softening.
00;12;41;00 – 00;13;05;22
Unknown
Right. But I, I either wasn’t in the mood or I thought I was with you. I don’t know what happened, but out of my mouth comes. Absolutely not. That’s not it. Okay then I said put those back. Okay, okay okay. Renee goes, oh yeah, those are great. No she didn’t. I like at the same time, same time. Those are great.
00;13;05;25 – 00;13;24;27
Unknown
The woman goes, well that clears that up for me you know. Thank you. So then I’m thinking to myself in my head, Renee doesn’t know this is this. She doesn’t know that’s this isn’t her area. Right? You should journey, Renee and be like, what’s boho? No, that’s the best part of the story. She’s so fast for the story.
00;13;24;29 – 00;13;47;08
Unknown
So she goes once again. I’m already anticipating. So Renee says out loud. But to be fair, I’m not the one that people come to for home advice. I’m not the decorator Erin is. So now this woman standing here with the vases and I can tell in this moment she really wants the vases. She really she’s, she really just wanted confirmation.
00;13;47;08 – 00;14;10;23
Unknown
So she’s really excited that Renee has said yes. But now Renee is like I’m not really the person that you know, would would acknowledge this. And so, I said, that’s correct. She’s not. And, I actually went to her house and redid her entire house inside out, up, down, right to. And she gave me carte blanche freedom to be able to change it into anything.
00;14;10;23 – 00;14;31;22
Unknown
So I said, it’s it’s just not it. Right. And so she’s like, oh, okay, okay. And she takes it and she goes to put it back and I’m feeling so bad that I have wrecked this woman’s dream. You know what? But if she asked your opinion, then I know she loves it so much. You don’t ask people’s opinion.
00;14;31;22 – 00;15;01;29
Unknown
No, I know, and but it’s it’s not it. Right. And she’s she’s upset that I could tell that she’s, like, slinking around a little bit. Like maybe she’s not in a good enough place to be able to say, oh, I really liked them. So she goes to put them back and I’m like, ready? I feel really bad. I think maybe I came on a little strong and she’s like, she’s like, well, you know, you, you gave an honest review of those.
00;15;01;29 – 00;15;36;25
Unknown
And I said, it’s not it. That is not those are not cute. Number one. Number two, it’s definitely not boho. If if I didn’t like it, but it was boho, I would have told her it’s boho all day. And if you love is boho, oh oh is happy hippie. Tapestry. It is, wheat flowers. Yeah, it is flowy, long blond hair with a flowing white feather.
00;15;36;27 – 00;16;04;04
Unknown
feather it is. it’s like precious. You know what rattan is like? Rattan furniture, not wicker. No. Rattan. Yeah. It’s a, the Florida, I think South Florida, but not tropical and not 85 years old. Right? Right. It is beach vibes. It is whimsy. Flowy. Just kind of my house. Comfortable, right? Come to my house. My house is there all.
00;16;04;07 – 00;16;23;17
Unknown
That’s all these things. Yeah. So I’m feeling bad about it. And we walk back through like the rest of the store. And I just keep saying to her, oh my God, you know, I feel really bad. Like, should I, should I have said something like, I don’t really like it and I don’t think it’s boho, but I do think you should, you know, follow what you want to do.
00;16;23;17 – 00;16;47;04
Unknown
And Renee’s, you know, very confirming. She’s like you said, what you thought in that moment and she asked your opinion and you know, it’s okay. So then the woman locks up like down, down the aisle as we are in the area where the shoes are. And I look at her and immediately I’m overcome with this feeling of like, oh no, oh, like, what if she has them in her hands?
00;16;47;04 – 00;17;04;26
Unknown
What am I going to? What am I going to do? And so because I can’t not call it out or talk about it, I have to say to her as she’s walking up, oh my God, how would it be crazy if you were holding the vases right now? I’m like, if you were holding the vases, that would have been awkward for both of us, right?
00;17;04;26 – 00;17;22;06
Unknown
And then I’m looking at her hands like making sure it’s like an her backpack. I can’t because I couldn’t really just talk. And she started laughing and she’s like, no, no. You know, she’s like, if it’s not boho, you know, it’s not boho. Okay. Renee and I walk into the area where you’re supposed to try, the clothes.
00;17;22;08 – 00;17;48;22
Unknown
And I’m like, still processing this. I’m still uncomfortable. I’m still like, oh God. I was really definitive about that. And out of nowhere, Renee goes, what is boho anyway? And I don’t have my pants on right now. I don’t have my pants on. I’m looking at her in this tiny ass changing room and I said, are you are you for real?
00;17;48;25 – 00;18;15;01
Unknown
All right. Are you serious? She’s like, oh yeah, I don’t really know what boho is. I said, when that woman just said to you, do you think these, these vases are boho? You, without skipping a beat, said, oh yeah, absolutely confirmed that you were so definitive. You were so definitive. And she’s like, I liked the vases. I said, that wasn’t a question.
00;18;15;03 – 00;18;32;28
Unknown
The question was not, do you like the faces? Right. So she’s dye, right? And I’m like the question, wasn’t it, do you like the faces? The question is are the faces boho? And she said, but I liked the faces. And I said that wasn’t the question. So here I am persevering over. I gave this woman an answer that might have been really?
00;18;32;28 – 00;18;59;10
Unknown
And Renee’s just like, yes, all day. Those are it. That’s awesome. And then out of nowhere has the audacity to ask me what is boho? Yeah. So I pull out my phone. Now I search for boho and she goes, oh yeah, those are all that’s in the book. I said, I can’t, I can’t, I cannot, not right now with all of this that just happened in this consignment shop.
00;18;59;12 – 00;19;18;24
Unknown
And I said, I can’t wait to tell Rebecca. I mean, she’s says layering. Yes. I can’t tell the differences. I would have been like, no, I would have. And then but then just walked away and not thought of anything. Again, I know you have to, you know, because, you know, I usually will say it just caught me off guard.
00;19;18;24 – 00;19;36;08
Unknown
I turned real quick and was like, absolutely not. Right, right. Both. And it was a it was an easy no for me because I didn’t like what they look like and they weren’t boho, right? If I liked what they look like, then I would have gone to oh wow. Or if I really thought they were bohemian. If you put the the grasping.
00;19;36;08 – 00;19;53;22
Unknown
Yeah. What does I think you’re going to need the wheat sticks in there. Yeah. Then maybe they would be like type of rooms, like, can you show me a picture? Let’s talk. But I was just real clear. Yeah. No, no. She doubled down with what is boho she didn’t know about was I love that I love that I can’t do it.
00;19;53;24 – 00;20;16;06
Unknown
That. That’s really funny. that’s really funny. That’s my story of the day. So there was no bird in that consigned shop. Consignment shop? Oh. You know, you know, it took me off the tiniest round. I knew tiny, but I was like, you know what? I’m like. I’m waiting for her to say. The birds chirping in the back.
00;20;16;07 – 00;20;38;27
Unknown
I also knew I also knew that you knew when I said I was in that alleyway with the shoes that, you know, she came running around from the Home department. I knew you knew it, I knew it, I probably Twitter. Oh, that’s the bird. He stupid. I called you out on it before you even started. Just saying. I wasn’t even going to tell you about it.
00;20;39;00 – 00;21;03;18
Unknown
I cannot. Oh, did you go to ask name? Did you go to the one? Be like to go do it? Stupid bird. That stupid bird. Oh my God. And it was moving a lot. It was talking a lot. It was doing out of the cold. The cold area. No way. Barry, because it’s freezing. There’s like. Oh, I know, I know, you freaking liar.
00;21;03;21 – 00;21;19;17
Unknown
You tried, I didn’t lie, I had just my bats. I said I wouldn’t tell you anyway. I wouldn’t tell you anyway. Is there a bird?
00;21;19;20 – 00;21;41;19
Unknown
whatever clearance you’re in. Clearance? I know where you. Whatever. And then also Renee’s like. Oh, by the way, I don’t wear it. I don’t buy shoes that other people wore. Oh, that’s too much. That’s too bad. That’s real. Definitively quit. Okay. It’s just like the pants are fine, but we like, should we, like, really do draw the line at shoes?
00;21;41;24 – 00;22;00;17
Unknown
I mean, there are sweaty fungus and shoes, I guess. Yeah, there’s sweaty fungus in your manga. Stop hurts, but just wash them. I know, all right? I know it’s fine. She’s not like us. Where you buy the bras? At the goodwill. Fine, I know, fine, I know, I know, that sounds like this is from the good. Well, this present $40, but it is.
00;22;00;17 – 00;22;23;11
Unknown
Yeah. Oh. It’s kill. I’m a little bralette. Yeah, well, has two, nine, nine and the good one. Oh, wow. $40. All right. That’s great. Here we go. Titties. Yeah. Go for heels. Are you. Do you. So yeah, I’m consignment shop with the bird. I don’t ask about them. It. Yeah. Here’s a there is a bird guys in the second room.
00;22;23;11 – 00;22;43;09
Unknown
And this bird, makes all these types of noises beautiful. Like, he’s really sweet. He’s white, but he does it like. Like said white the entire time that you’re in there. And, like, I remember you, like, makes these really weird ass noises and you’re like, oh, my God, I love this bird so much. And then pretty much you’re like, stop, bird, stop.
00;22;43;14 – 00;22;58;27
Unknown
Did you much look at my favorite jewelry? I did look at the jewelry for you. And there was there was gem jewelry there that I thought you would really love, but it’s just huge. And I was like, that is just next level. I just don’t, you know? But I did see some gem jewelry. They did have some gems.
00;22;58;27 – 00;23;20;01
Unknown
Okay. I got to tell you though, we love this place, but it’s really becoming like I walk in there and I’m like, you kind of organized this shit better. I don’t know what to tell you. You’re taking too many items. Like. And so every time we leave there, right. We’re always talking about, well, when we own a consignment shop, this is work we do every single time that that is.
00;23;20;05 – 00;23;41;17
Unknown
Want one? Just take everything. I don’t know what to tell you. Like, now it’s it’s expanded upon a whole nother room and then a whole nother room. Right. Goes all the way into the back. And they got all this stuff. And then some of the prices aren’t what I want the prices to be. There was this flower planter there that I really liked, but it was $15 and I’m like, I would spend $15 on that if I bought it at target.
00;23;41;17 – 00;24;02;05
Unknown
If I bought it at right, I don’t come here. Right. These are you hitting store to pay the same amount that I would buy for something, unless it’s a high end. I mean, if they do sell high end, purses and things like that. but they’re not full price, but. Oh, I know, I know, I remember I read the, extravagant lampshades.
00;24;02;10 – 00;24;27;18
Unknown
Oh, that was the lamp. It was the lamp. The whole lamp. It was like from the 70s. And they were like cherubs with these huge billowing, lampshades. And there was some type of like, it was a it was a porcelain. Yeah, bird or something. And I guess Sadia and a bird and whatever. And you were like, oh, we’re going to get those, put those in the car.
00;24;27;18 – 00;24;48;17
Unknown
And doesn’t she perk up and say they’re already sold? Right? And we’re like, whoa! But I won’t say I would have bought one if I was having another baby. That would have been the centerpiece of the babies that it was on. It was next. What a blessing it was, because on it was bigger than that. Okay. It was, I know, even something, something classic about it.
00;24;48;17 – 00;25;04;15
Unknown
I don’t know how to describe it. When you go crazy, just places friends. When we go to these places, we’re looking for something that you can’t just find mainstream, right? But then we also want to be able to purchase it for a reasonable price. I’m not talking cheap, right? Well, I mean cheap, but good there was. But yeah, right.
00;25;04;20 – 00;25;29;07
Unknown
Sometimes you win in that way. Right? But there was this, white bird that was a pretty big bird, and it had a gold crown on it. And it was the tag was still on it and it said 599. And the price that they were selling it for was $5. No. And I’m like, I didn’t come here to save $1, no, use a 50 cent item to dollars.
00;25;29;09 – 00;25;45;02
Unknown
Right. Like that’s this isn’t how we do this. Yeah. But so also when I was driving out there, one of my new favorite things to do, and, Britney is going to be really proud of me for telling people this. If you don’t have a library card, you need to go and get one. I go to library all the time.
00;25;45;05 – 00;26;07;07
Unknown
That’s true. Are you again? You don’t know that I read or you don’t believe that I read. But I’m. I’m always surprised that you’re that you’re reading. Right. But I got myself a library card not to get hard copy books because I don’t like to physically read books. But I will listen to books all day, every day. So when you go get a library card, you also automatically can sign up for this Libby app.
00;26;07;14 – 00;26;27;27
Unknown
And on the Libby app, you can search any of the books that you want to read as audiobooks. And so I’ve been reading so many more books via audiobooks for free because you’re basically renting them from the library, listening slam into it as an audiobook and calling it a day. Right? You just don’t get to keep it in your library, right?
00;26;27;29 – 00;26;46;27
Unknown
Your your digital library, which why would you who listens? Who reads to me? I mean, no, it’s the same book twice. Maybe if you love it, you do. I’ve listened to some some books that I have in my audible library like five times. Why? Because I love them. Why do you watch a movie more than one? I don’t I don’t eat the same thing more than once.
00;26;47;00 – 00;27;05;25
Unknown
Right? But I do. And I feel like if that was the case and you wanted to buy it now, you would know you loved it so much you could buy audible. I would like you like you tested it, right? Like I’ll just test drive it. You can you can listen to it as many times as you want to.
00;27;05;25 – 00;27;27;20
Unknown
Like there’s not, if someone if someone’s listening to that, it’s not like it’s checked out, right? Yes. No, that is still the case. So like, for instance. Yes. So, with the codependent No More book. I was on a waitlist to get it right, and then you get it for XYZ amount of time. You can renew it like you normally do, right?
00;27;27;23 – 00;27;49;00
Unknown
So if there’s no waitlist, right? Yeah. Right. But Rene and I beat the system. Oh, and she has a Buffalo library card. So we sync our accounts. So I now get access to Rochester and Buffalo, and she gets access to Buffalo and Rochester. So now she can search both of them. And one of them might have it you know in advance.
00;27;49;03 – 00;28;09;19
Unknown
And so we’ll just put things in each other’s carts or you know like can basically get or I got earlier access to codependent no more through the Buffalo library. But that’s one of the benefits of having this library card is that you can have access to a bunch of different libraries nationwide. You have to have a card, or you have to know someone associated with that.
00;28;09;19 – 00;28;28;29
Unknown
But you can associate a bunch of different cards. So the New York City Library, Renee says, has everything you could ever possibly want to get ever there anywhere. It’s it’s supposed to be, these. And then they have. I was so funny. You just say that. I was listening to, people talking on the radio about the New York City library and how there’s a bunch of underground.
00;28;29;01 – 00;28;45;15
Unknown
It’s like, really? Well, like, physically, if you’re ever in the city, you can go there. Yeah, that’s really cool. We should do that next time we’re there. But that would be a great example of a way that you could, you know, mix your card and then have access again, free. This is free, free, free, free for you. You don’t have to pay for any of these other subscriptions.
00;28;45;15 – 00;29;10;24
Unknown
So renting is going to be a really proud of me that I just told every one of our massive numbers of listeners, because I told her it would now be my job to spread the word that the library is where people need to go for these resources. I agree the library is where people need to go, period. I agree because they have like for instance, at our library in Fairport, they have, a card that will get you money off at multiple museums.
00;29;11;01 – 00;29;30;13
Unknown
You check out the card and you get like, let’s say $10 off the Strong Museum of Play. That’s awesome. Then you use it and then you bring the card back to the library. So it’s like a you don’t have to have your own membership. You can have the membership associated with the library. So nice. Because that allows, people who wouldn’t be able to do it normally.
00;29;30;16 – 00;29;50;10
Unknown
Yeah. Access. But you have to know about it. Exactly. You have to know about it. You have to participate. You have to be an active member of your community or you will never know what’s going on. Or you have to have someone who does understand the library system. Right? So the day that I went to go sign up for my library card, Renee was with me and she was like, oh my God, this is such an exciting day.
00;29;50;15 – 00;30;12;06
Unknown
So she walks in to the library and says to the woman behind the counter, today is a great day. And the woman behind the counter goes, oh my gosh, is she here for a library card? And I’m looking at them like, this is what’s happening here. This is next level, right? But they work. She was so excited to tell me about the benefits.
00;30;12;06 – 00;30;32;23
Unknown
And I’ll tell you what librarians rule this world I know will rule this world. And I know you make friends with a librarian. You’re going to be all set for the rest of your life. Yeah, my grandmother was a librarian, and my brother graduated with a library science degree. Yeah. Was never a librarian, but. Right, right. I’m telling you, these people, they know how to find stuff like it’s it’s unreal.
00;30;32;23 – 00;30;54;03
Unknown
Yeah. So I say all of that to say, one of my new favorite things to do is when I’m driving long distances. The minute that I get off of the on ramp and onto the Thruway and my GPS says, keep going straight for 66 miles. And I know that my audio book is already on. I am one with the universe in that moment.
00;30;54;04 – 00;31;12;14
Unknown
You know, it’s funny you say that because I, we do a lot of soccer trips, so I always have my, like, audio books and even to the point now where when the girls bring their friends, they’re like, Mrs. Herzog, are you going to listen to your weird books? Yeah, I yeah, I am, because, you know, I’m not listening to.
00;31;12;16 – 00;31;30;14
Unknown
Let’s listen, I know, I know books, I know. Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah. Rene. To Rene, it’s like, I hate those self-help books. I really can’t get into it. It’s all I listen to. I love it so much. Which brings me to this new book that I’m reading. It’s called The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People.
00;31;30;17 – 00;31;55;23
Unknown
how to reclaim your power from narcissists and other manipulators. Okay, okay. What? so here I am, just me in the through way going down. There were times when I’m reading this book, listening to this book out loud in my own car. I’ve got my fries and my puppy right next to me. That I’m saying yes. Oh, yeah, yeah.
00;31;55;23 – 00;32;15;05
Unknown
Hallelujah. Like stuff’s coming out of my mouth confirming what this woman is saying. Yeah. Or I’m like, pushing the back 15 seconds back, 15 seconds back 15 seconds because I’m like, I got to hear that again. I got to hear it again. It’s incredible. So here I am. You can see from, you know, I usually have very nice handwriting.
00;32;15;05 – 00;32;38;14
Unknown
You can see from my handwriting here. This was me writing while I’m driving. Stop it Scott, don’t don’t clasp. That’s fine. So that I could write some of my notes. Because I had to remember to talk to you about this. So this is the heart of today’s session. Okay. Here was some of my early level findings from from this book.
00;32;38;14 – 00;32;58;11
Unknown
Okay. Now this first one is absolutely fascinating. So one, the first thing I want to be clear of about is an HSP highly sensitive person is a for real thing. This is not just someone who’s like, oh my God, I’m really sensitive. Right? In the end of chapter one of this book, there’s a highly sensitive person checklist. Oh, and it basically is how many of these things relate to you?
00;32;58;11 – 00;33;20;03
Unknown
I’m like, yap yap yap yap yap yap. Highly sensitive person’s brains are different than other people’s brains. Different parts of their brains. It get activated at certain things. They feel things at a deeper level. Their experience is not like other people’s experience. Their reward system is different than other people’s stuff gets trapped for them that doesn’t get trapped for other people.
00;33;20;03 – 00;33;36;03
Unknown
It’s why when you break up in a relationship that you are just beyond devastated in in a really terrible spot and have a really hard time rebounding, whereas someone else is really sad or really up sad or like, wow, this is really difficult, but has the ability to rebound, you know, pretty quickly. They gave a bunch of these different examples.
00;33;36;03 – 00;33;56;29
Unknown
So that’s the first thing I want to be clear is I would imagine some of the people who listen to this podcast are also HSP is it’s a real thing. Oh yeah. So is HS C’s highly sensitive children okay. And there’s a whole bunch of books around CS that I have found really fascinating, actually, one I believe is in my cart ready to read because I believe Carter is in HSC.
00;33;57;02 – 00;34;19;17
Unknown
Okay. And you have to be very aware of the ways in which they process the world around them and how you communicate to them, because again, their brains are different. They’re connecting different, all of these things. Okay. So as I’m listening to this book, she gives two examples that I found myself in these examples. The first example saying, oh, I get that.
00;34;19;19 – 00;34;41;23
Unknown
I understand, you know, this was about actually this part was about Narcissus. Okay. So it’s you’re in a relationship with someone who’s a narcissist or an incredibly toxic person. So toxic person is the umbrella term for different types of people. One of those types of people is a narcissist. Okay. Another one of those types of people is a sociopath or a psychopath.
00;34;41;26 – 00;34;59;20
Unknown
Another types of those people is what they call a crazy maker. Another type of people is an emotional the empire. Another type of toxic person would be what they call garden variety, which are people who just are not great about managing boundaries and are like, oh yeah, just can I just have five more minutes of your time? Oh, just I just write and then they’re there for another hour.
00;34;59;23 – 00;35;27;05
Unknown
Right. So all of these types of people fall under the umbrella category of toxic. So we were talking about toxic people as well as narcissists. And we’re talking about them in regard to these types of examples. What I need your help figuring out is what is it about me that as I’m hearing these examples, one part of me is like, I can understand that.
00;35;27;07 – 00;35;52;28
Unknown
I can absolutely understand why they would say, like, that doesn’t sound toxic to me. And then in the very same scenario, different example, I’m like, oh hell no, that’s toxic. Get out of here. We’re not doing it right. Okay. I would have thought that it would have been more definitive. That toxic looks like toxic, looks like toxic. And once you’ve identified someone as toxic, it’s clear across the board with their types of behaviors.
00;35;53;04 – 00;36;17;01
Unknown
Right? That’s the case. Right? So I’ll give you the first example. Okay. The first example was that this woman was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. And she had previously been very supportive of her husband in a bunch of different capacities. When he had gone through different illness journeys himself. So she gets diagnosed with this type of cancer.
00;36;17;01 – 00;36;37;27
Unknown
She’s processing it. She’s having a hard time. She’s sitting down with her husband that night. They’re in bed and she starts to talk about how she’s feeling about this recent cancer diagnosis and what the treatment plan is going to look like. And her husband says, are we just going to be talking about your cancer diagnosis all night? Oh my God.
00;36;37;29 – 00;37;05;02
Unknown
See, I love both of your reactions right now. I hear that in immediately go to this man has really strong feelings about the cancer diagnosis and he can’t go there. And he is taking an abrasive approach to I can’t talk about this right now because he’s having a hard time managing his own feelings, and he doesn’t know how to communicate that he feels really badly, that she’s going through this.
00;37;05;05 – 00;37;26;00
Unknown
So that’s what you hope. Please discuss among. Well, you both had the same reaction. What was it he did? He doesn’t care about he does want to talk about it. How did how do you why do you stop there? Why? I don’t know that that’s the case. That’s my that’s my knee jerk reaction. That’s my experience. Those are those are my experiences.
00;37;26;00 – 00;37;45;26
Unknown
That’s what people who say those kinds of things have meant. Yeah. And I think you’re right a lot of the time. But how do you. So you hear that he’s like, are we going to talk about your cancer diagnosis all night? You go to after you. Fine. You don’t want to talk about it. You don’t need to talk about it.
00;37;46;03 – 00;38;05;17
Unknown
Why do you go there. And I go to. Oh okay. This is difficult for you. This is difficult for you to process because of what I just said, my experiences, that is what they’re they’re like, if it’s not about me, then it doesn’t matter. Yeah. Okay. If someone said I. I really can’t talk about this tonight. I’m not ready for it.
00;38;05;19 – 00;38;35;15
Unknown
That’s very different runs in there. Are we going to talk about this all night? Like I have better things to do. And I frankly don’t want to listen to it. Right. But why can’t I just accept at face value that when someone says that, that that’s what they’re genuinely communicating? Because the more abrasive that you’re coming at me with that tone, I immediately think to myself, wow, you’re just incapable of like the strength of your response is indicative of how difficult it is for you to be able to talk about this.
00;38;35;21 – 00;39;01;14
Unknown
The more abrasive you are to me, the more, the more disconnected you are from being able to talk about it because it’s too emotional that that’s like the that’s a, an optimistic view of what’s going on. Like, you are giving this person the benefit of the doubt. And in my mind, you’re just setting yourself up for a big letdown.
00;39;01;16 – 00;39;24;19
Unknown
Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That’s why I’m asking. Story of my life. Because I believe that your responses, your having our correct. I believe that the responses you are having more often than not you’ve identified. That’s a toxic response. That’s really shitty. I’m not putting up with that. I’m moving on. Yeah, I think that that’s to be rewarded in this situation.
00;39;24;23 – 00;39;54;14
Unknown
I can’t understand why I am having such a hard time hearing that statement. Are we going to talk about your cancer diagnosis all night as a definitive toxic asshole statement from a potential narcissist, and why I have to go that second degree down to here. What’s not being said? It wasn’t said. You just really, really want people to be better than they are.
00;39;54;14 – 00;40;16;04
Unknown
I think like like deep down, you’re really giving them that chance. Like, you know, the guy shoots you and you’re like, I know you didn’t mean to shoot me. You’re just doing target practice. And I was in your way. Yes. Remember, remember I told you guys the one time that one of my favorite song lyrics is you could slit my throat and I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt.
00;40;16;06 – 00;40;39;15
Unknown
Right. This is this. Is that right? Because. Because let me give you the second example. Same person, same situation that I thought, oh hell no. Right. Okay. So she goes through the cancer treatment and then the day after cancer says to her husband, would you make me, bring me a cup of coffee, would you mind making me a cup of coffee?
00;40;39;15 – 00;41;03;29
Unknown
And he says, make your own coffee. now, in that moment, I can imagine myself in that situation, losing my mind. Oh, yeah. I would. The stuff that would have flown out of my mouth would not have been TV appropriate. And I would have immediately known. I know in that scenario that’s inappropriate. That’s not the correct response.
00;41;03;29 – 00;41;23;23
Unknown
That’s not the response you’re supposed to be giving. You’re an absolute asshole and go f yourself. Right. But why do I see it so clearly in that situation with the cup of coffee? But I would I had my spit shield hit my shield, but I don’t see it so clearly in that first situation. Well, because it’s the same person.
00;41;23;23 – 00;41;45;09
Unknown
So now he’s shown his true colors twice. So if it was a different person I don’t know if he would have had. But I bypassed it the first time. What the, the first example is is more of a communicative thing like it’s a communication thing, whereas the second one is an act. It’s, it’s a favor, it’s a physical like thing that someone’s doing.
00;41;45;11 – 00;42;04;09
Unknown
If they say if you ask them to do something and they say, no, do it yourself, that is just clear, rude. That is just saying, you know, if he said no, do it yourself because I have no arms, right? That’s a different situation. But but he’s he’s just telling her, no, I’m not. I’m an asshole. I don’t want to do this for you.
00;42;04;09 – 00;42;27;12
Unknown
Right. Yeah. You know, an interesting thing. You really want people to to to be their best selves, I guess. And you’re really hoping that their first reaction to, oh, I can’t talk about this is because it’s so intense for them emotionally and they can’t handle it, rather than they’d rather watch, you know, the ballgame. Right? Because they don’t want to talk about it and they don’t care at the end of the day, honestly don’t care.
00;42;27;16 – 00;42;43;28
Unknown
They don’t care after he won’t get her a cup of coffee, you know that. He knows now I know it’s true now it’s true now that. But again, that’s my experience. My experience always aligns in that. So it’s very clear to me when you say things like that, if this is who you are as a human, then I know exactly what you’re communicating.
00;42;44;01 – 00;43;07;10
Unknown
So you’ve already pulled the data from a bunch of different data points to get the idea of who this person is. That’s just based on my yes you have. Yes, you. Yes. If every time that I was in a situation like that and it turned out that the person acted that way because they emotionally couldn’t handle it, then my response would be like, cause, right, I’d be like, oh, okay, this is one of those times.
00;43;07;10 – 00;43;27;10
Unknown
And then I would be saying, do you not want to talk about it because it’s hurting your heart? And then they would either be silent or when I like my son, like my son, he he cannot deal with extreme emotions when other people are expressing those extreme emotions. When we knew that we had to put our dog down and Kelly was crying, he had to leave the house.
00;43;27;13 – 00;43;47;17
Unknown
He had to go walk around the block until he knew that it was safe, that that outpouring of emotion was done. Yeah, because he actually physically gets angry. He gets pissed off about it, and it’s just because of how he he doesn’t mean to be, you know, it’s not a right, a malicious thing. That’s just what his brain does when other people cry.
00;43;47;17 – 00;44;13;10
Unknown
He goes, that’s right. Yeah. This is your son on the spectrum. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. They also could be components of sensory overload in that place. Right. There could be all of you. Go on. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. I feel very seen by your statement, Scott. I have to say that that that I really do believe at the end of the day, I just want to believe that people have a core of goodness and care and compassion and that they’ve had they’ve been calloused over.
00;44;13;12 – 00;44;32;04
Unknown
And where that really screws me up a lot of the time is that when that’s not true or when I’m willing to take it on the chin as a healthy person to help that person get there and over and over and over again, I’m still the one that’s being run over and plowed over because I want to see the best in this person, and I want them to get there.
00;44;32;04 – 00;44;57;21
Unknown
I will do that despite myself. And that’s what’s not fair, right? So in my second question related to this is, do you feel the same way about your spouse is so it’s one thing if this is, you know, your stepfather or if this is a buddy of yours from college who’s like, are we going to talk about your cancer diagnosis all night?
00;44;57;27 – 00;45;25;18
Unknown
And no, I’m not going to get you a cup of coffee, right? You can you can assert that pretty clearly. This guy’s an asshole or whatever. Just don’t be around him a whole lot when it’s your spouse. And you have it. All of us have ten plus years of experience with our significant other. And your spouse is the one that you know, at this intimate level who ebbs and flows with, you know, did they do know them well enough.
00;45;25;20 – 00;45;46;03
Unknown
That is that is that what it is? It’s like, do you know them well enough? Did they really mean that or did they not? Or how does the conversation change when it’s your spouse? I don’t it doesn’t change for me. So let’s say you know your spouse to be someone who is genuinely not wanting to go there in the conversation.
00;45;46;11 – 00;46;03;09
Unknown
Right? They’ll get you the coffee because it’s out of a matter of obligation, but they don’t want to go there in the conversation. Do you take that as my spouse is a toxic person because he’s not allowing me to process he or she is not allowing me to process this. Or how do you reconcile that. There’s no.
00;46;03;09 – 00;46;22;18
Unknown
Well, first of all, I mean from my experience with my wife, she wouldn’t take that. She wouldn’t, expressed that approach that way. She wouldn’t say, oh, we going to talk about this all night? Because that’s that’s just rude. That’s not how she would do it. She would be like, no, I can’t talk about it. That’s how she would say.
00;46;22;21 – 00;46;38;20
Unknown
And then I’d say, okay. Yeah. But that’s how you know. But then because it’s, I’m not sure why you, but does that your sign to know that she just emotionally can’t go there. Or is she just not interested in being responsive to your concern. Well I would never I would never even assume that she would not be interested in.
00;46;38;20 – 00;47;02;01
Unknown
And we’re both the same way. We may not. I’ll ask her every day, how is your day? And she’ll go on and on and on and yeah, I care. But then sometimes she’ll get into like really deep medical stuff that’s happening and I’m like, yeah, I don’t know. But she wants to talk about it. So I’m like, okay, you know, I would never in a million years say, I really don’t want to hear this.
00;47;02;03 – 00;47;18;08
Unknown
So let’s, let’s use Philip as an example. If he is just like I think that says spirits are faces. Hilarious. You know, if he’s just like I don’t want to talk about this right now, do you give him the benefit of the doubt or do you just accept it. He really just doesn’t want to talk about it.
00;47;18;10 – 00;47;32;17
Unknown
He’s like, no, I just don’t want to talk about it. I’m not interested in talking about it. And then you just know, okay, well, he’s just not at an emotional place where he’s ever able to talk about it, and I just need to suck it up and deal and call Aaron. Is that what it is? No. I’m like, he doesn’t care about me.
00;47;32;19 – 00;47;57;14
Unknown
He doesn’t want to talk about it. Is there ever a part of you that wonders if he’s just not able to communicate that? Because he just has really deep feelings and doesn’t know how to communicate? Those know you have. We’ve had numerous conversations about this. and then you have shared that and sometimes will have a three way conversations with him, and he’ll say that, but it still doesn’t feel it still feels like he doesn’t care.
00;47;57;21 – 00;48;20;07
Unknown
Yeah. Interesting. And when it comes to Mark, I feel like I also don’t think that he would say, are we going to talk about this all night? But but there would be a half step below that that would get communicated, which maybe is a little confusing to me. Right. So he might, let’s say, disengage a little bit before I’m done talking about it.
00;48;20;07 – 00;48;37;05
Unknown
And I’ll look over and I’ll be like, are we done talking about this? And he’ll be like, oh, I didn’t know you still wanted to talk about it. That’s different. Right? That’s different. But but he’s he’s not saying I didn’t know you wanted to still talk about it. Oh yeah. Great. Let’s keep engaging. That was almost a way of disengaging because he’s not really interested in talking about it.
00;48;37;07 – 00;48;59;16
Unknown
But it’s coming off as I am not really interested in it. Whereas I think if he came right out and I’m like, are we going to talk about this all night? I probably would feel the same way that I feel about the coffee because I’d be like, that’s frickin rude, right? Do you know who I am? Right? Do you know I have to process every single aspect of every single thing, and I need you present for it, and I need you looking at me while we’re talking about it, and, you know, whatever.
00;48;59;19 – 00;49;17;11
Unknown
So it’s, again, not surprisingly, the black and whites of this are really difficult for me. It’s when it’s in the gray area, and I do tend to give the benefit of the doubt. I do tend to assume that you’re coming from a place where you just can’t emotionally handle it. What I’m really trying to learn, but that also makes you feel better.
00;49;17;14 – 00;49;37;11
Unknown
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because what do I need to do if I if come from a place where you genuinely don’t care about it and I’m not giving you then I then I have to make a choice, right? Am I here, am I staying, am I not or are you fulfilling my needs? Are you right? So yeah, just like a couple sessions ago when we were talking about I need you guys to change because it makes me feel better, right?
00;49;37;12 – 00;50;02;23
Unknown
Right. It makes me feel like I’m in a better place. Similar to that. Yeah. There’s another example on here that they came up with. So it’s it’s pretty much the same, but it’s a different context. It was about a mother who was emotionally avoidant of her child when her child was facing illness of any kind. And so the mother left the child alone, old enough to be left alone.
00;50;02;23 – 00;50;32;11
Unknown
But when the child was sick and the child was vomiting all over the place and was essentially dying of XYZ condition, she’s someone came to find the daughter, brought her to the hospital, and. Oh, that’s right, that’s fine. brought her to the hospital, and the mom never visited her in the hospital. And the comment was that the mother was saying, I’m never going to apologize for leaving you alone.
00;50;32;11 – 00;51;01;05
Unknown
Like it. Just that was what it was. That’s what made sense. I had other things that I was supposed to do. So I once I heard that again, you’re you’re both of your responses are are hilarious because my immediate go to response was this is so traumatic for this mother that she lost best child. Selfish bitch. She left this child home that she cannot mentally go there because of the anguish that is felt.
00;51;01;06 – 00;51;21;24
Unknown
You don’t see that as a mother. That and she also didn’t find somebody to replace her. She literally left the kid to die and then didn’t visit them in the hospital. There’s no there’s no salvage. Not there’s no salvage. How are you so clear cut that there’s no salvaging that cause she’s a bitch. How do you know she’s a bitch?
00;51;21;26 – 00;51;42;17
Unknown
Because she cares more about herself. Do we at all care? Maybe she has some past trauma history that led her to be a new place. Do we also know that maybe she had a really shitty mom and this is too difficult for her to handle? Do we not care about those things so that the court system wouldn’t care about those things if they decide the child was neglected for child neglect?
00;51;42;23 – 00;52;06;03
Unknown
They don’t care if you have prior PTSD or anything, things like that. They don’t care about how the definitive nature of how you know, this is what I need to get out. I need to tap into that. I don’t understand how you are so definitive. How you what are you doing at that point? Are you shutting off the fact that this person, also this mother, also has a history?
00;52;06;03 – 00;52;27;13
Unknown
We don’t care about it. Don’t care? Is it your anger that comes out? What is it? Your history, your personhood, your. It doesn’t matter anymore. You becoming a mother now makes you have to put that child’s needs as a priority, regardless of your own. How do you know that to be true? How does that’s what it means to be a mother?
00;52;27;13 – 00;52;48;20
Unknown
Nature said that. But if you are a mother and you have you new you, you are a mother. But you’re really not great at being a mother because you didn’t have a great mother, because you don’t know how to be a mother, because you became a mother out of wedlock, because you are a I would say, go get your library card and find some free books on what it means to be a goddamn parent.
00;52;48;23 – 00;52;53;09
Unknown
This is not that hard.
00;52;53;11 – 00;53;14;16
Unknown
I’m sorry, but but but wait, it’s for the library card. Wrong. It’s really. I’m wrong. But common sense says that you wouldn’t leave a sick child at home alone, regardless of what you had going on, right? Like what is going on that’s more important than your dying child? Let me here. Let me give you an example that’s associated with this.
00;53;14;18 – 00;53;40;00
Unknown
When I used to work at, a place here in the city, working with juvenile delinquents and juveniles that had really come up through the court system, I had a 13 year old girl that had had an infant. She herself had had a baby. And, I had gone to the house for one of the home visits, and I had found that this 13 year old girl was giving the infant kool aid, in a bottle.
00;53;40;02 – 00;53;55;09
Unknown
Right. Red, red kool aid. I’ll never forget it. I walked in and I said to the to the girl, this is a child parenting a child. This is a very difficult example. Parenting. Right. Where what what are we doing here. Right. And she says well I like kool aid. So I’m sure the name of the child will like cool.
00;53;55;09 – 00;54;20;05
Unknown
Of course. Right. That makes sense. That ends up being having to be a CPS case because this infant is not supposed to be drinking Kool aid. Right. And this is a parent who this is a parent. Like it or not, this is a parent, but this is a child who doesn’t know any different, doesn’t have. Right. So how do we assume that that 13 year old who now becomes a 20 year old, right, maybe has a little more knowledge about the fact that we’re not supposed to be giving Kool aid?
00;54;20;05 – 00;54;40;23
Unknown
Right. To me, we’ve learned that along the way. But have we learned all of the other things we’re supposed to learn about how to be a mom? And does that past history matter in that mom being a mom? So this let’s use this. Who’s the example of this mom who leaves that child there? Let’s pretend it’s the same 13 year old girl who was given the Kool-Aid, right?
00;54;40;25 – 00;54;57;17
Unknown
I’m not supposed to drink the Kool-Aid. Hard to believe. Right? So the point I’m trying to make is that past history doesn’t change in seven years, when she’s now 20, is leaving her daughter home and is thinking, well, I got to go to work because I gotta make money for the family. Sorry that you’re sick. I didn’t realize you were so sick.
00;54;57;17 – 00;55;21;21
Unknown
Oh my God, you’re vomiting and you’re probably dying of X, Y, and Z, right? The part I can’t shake in that experience is that the girl who was 13, given the Kool-Aid, is still the same girl that had the same experiences at 20 and has a past history and is making incorrect decisions, I don’t believe at all that this poor little girl should be left alone.
00;55;21;23 – 00;55;48;00
Unknown
But the difference for me is how do we get to the definitive point that you should have? Why aren’t you? What is the problem? You are a terrible human being with out. How do we then turn off the past history? That. Mom, you need all that information to make that judgment. And perhaps. Maybe I don’t know, we’re wrong for making that snap judgment, but without the information behind it.
00;55;48;00 – 00;56;11;15
Unknown
If you said this, mom that left this child alone was a mom at 13 and all this kind of stuff, then you can kind of take a step back and say, okay, obviously she’s had some some issues. She’s not right. You know, I don’t think her back would feel any different. Honestly, I think she has compassion for the fact that this that this girl has been through this.
00;56;11;15 – 00;56;29;16
Unknown
But her main focus now is this child was suffering and you left. So sorry. Your shit’s not in order. Sorry that you had the life that you had. But you cannot continue to impact this other person moving forward, am I right? That’s my guess. Is that that’s. Yeah. The whole time I’m sitting here going, this is why I would never go into social work counseling.
00;56;29;16 – 00;56;57;22
Unknown
None of this bullshit. Because it is. It is too much. It is too much. It is too much to be like, oh, well. So it’s what came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, this kid has to suffer and have all of these things happen because of a traumatic, because a parent had a traumatic thing. I, I know, I just this is what I mean about the paralysis associated with understanding people when you are a highly sensitive person and then add on top of that that you have training and counseling.
00;56;57;28 – 00;57;14;29
Unknown
And then they had it had they had had ad right. Part of my problem constantly, the problem of empathy is that it is never just as clear cut as you didn’t get me in. In some ways, I guess it is. You didn’t get me the cup of coffee and you shut up. What I can’t understand is, well, they don’t have to.
00;57;14;29 – 00;57;37;09
Unknown
Why is that act so clear to me? But that and give it yourself. I guess I didn’t have a strong reaction to that one, because the only reason I had the reaction was because she just got done with her chemo treatment right. So it would have been a nice thing. But reality is, get at yourself. Like I said, that to make it all the time, I don’t need to serve my ten year old Cheerios in the morning.
00;57;37;15 – 00;57;55;08
Unknown
You can get it yourself. But if she had just gotten done with a cancer treatment and she had asked for something, doesn’t it make pure sense to be like I need to help her out if that’s what you feel in your heart, but because he doesn’t care. He didn’t care that she had cancer, didn’t want to process the emotions with her.
00;57;55;08 – 00;58;12;11
Unknown
Could care less. Probably. She probably takes an Uber to do her cancer treatments. Yeah, I’m not kidding. I know I am not kidding. And so in your mind and then in his mind, his own goal, you’re done with the treatment. What’s the problem? This is the person who this is your said you showed me who you are. I believe you, this is who you are.
00;58;12;13 – 00;58;31;12
Unknown
That’s the problem. Yes. You’ve shown me who you are. So I’m not surprised when you won’t get me. I will ask you because I’m being. I’m hoping that you’ll change your mind. But. Yeah, yeah. Better have a big old schwanz for her to have to deal with that guy all the time. He’s got to have some fucking redeeming qualities.
00;58;31;12 – 00;58;50;15
Unknown
I mean, but again, that’s that’s the other side of the story or you know what, Scott? You know what? Usually they don’t. But usually, honestly, the reality is that these women come from, and myself included at times come from a past situation of not having self-confidence, thinking you need to change someone, being a bad, you know, model to.
00;58;50;17 – 00;59;09;20
Unknown
Yeah, like I should be putting up with this self-worth, right. And this is not just domestic violence related situations. Many women are in these situations. And it’s not that you can’t just up and leave. You can’t leave a partnership. You can’t up and leave their kids. Maybe you don’t make as much money, but there’s there’s so many things, right?
00;59;09;22 – 00;59;31;09
Unknown
It’s so common. But at the end of the day, you can only control you. Right? So if if you know this about your partner and you know them, the capacity, the whatever, then unfortunately you just either pick and choose or you move on. If you need more then you need to move on. Yeah. But don’t be surprised when it happens over and over and over and over.
00;59;31;12 – 00;59;56;11
Unknown
I think what I’m getting better about with strangers or other people who I don’t have very close intimate relationships with, is when you show me who you are, I’m going to believe you. Right. I think I can do that pretty definitively with people I don’t have engagements with. It is the people who are in my inner circle, the people that I have loved, connected with and see to the core of their being that I.
00;59;56;11 – 01;00;18;28
Unknown
You have a really hard time accepting that that is our whole relationship is based off of this, right? We wouldn’t be where we were if if 20 years ago, but you came to me and I was like, well, she showed me who she was. I believe her. I’m like, nah, hell no. Right? I am deep diving right into this right.
01;00;19;01 – 01;00;45;13
Unknown
And look. And so this is part of the drug reinforcement. Yeah. Is that I have so many examples in life where I have helped uncover the truth about who someone really is, what makes them tick, that it then becomes this assumption that everyone has that level of depth, everyone has that story. Right? And that there are only certain people in the world who have the ability to be able to uncover that and to be able to go that.
01;00;45;13 – 01;01;00;12
Unknown
And I will carry that burden to be able to do that. Right. And so you’ve helped me really realize I don’t have to be doing that with all the randos in the world, with all of the random people, right? Just the people that you love, but with the people that I love. Where that becomes challenging is where do you draw the line?
01;01;00;14 – 01;01;18;15
Unknown
What where it is that line. And how do I know that the person that, let’s say, the person that my husband is and the person that he’s showing me and the the ins and outs of the. Yes and the nose and the maybes, and this is who he is. That that is exactly who he is. And if I don’t love all of that, or if I don’t assume that there are something, what do I do?
01;01;18;16 – 01;01;35;15
Unknown
How do I do something about that? Right? Or if you’ve been my best friend for 20 years and then I just come to realize, you know what? She doesn’t care about us. At the end of the day, she doesn’t really care about me. She’s actually incredibly self-serving and only wants to do. But she’s done a manipulative job of making me think that I has something to do with me.
01;01;35;22 – 01;01;54;18
Unknown
If I come to that conclusion about you, what do I do with that? I know that’s a that’s a crossroad. What do you always say? Is it harder to what? What do you always say? Is it harder you say when the pain. Yes. Staying yes. Is greater than the pain of leaving right to. That’s when people leave. Right.
01;01;54;21 – 01;02;14;01
Unknown
But I think it’s the same. Only when the pain of staying. But I think that’s the same with a relationship. If it’s too hard and it’s too you’re not getting anywhere, you’re on the hamster wheel and you’re just burnt out. And this is where we run into problems with toxic people narcissistic relationships, trauma bonding, and long term relationships.
01;02;14;04 – 01;02;31;13
Unknown
Because the codependency, because the problem with all of that that we’ve talked about on this show so much, yeah, is that it is never the case that it is so terrible for great lengths of time. It’s never no, I’m not getting you a coffee. No. Every single thing like, no, I’m not getting you a coffee, right. Like you’re right.
01;02;31;13 – 01;02;53;22
Unknown
And then the next minute it’s like were eight, right? Yes. Yeah. But that’s not that. That’s like a abuse. Right. Like when it’s consistent, even when it’s abuse, you’ll be hard pressed to find a case where it is abuse after abuse after abuse. That’s the whole cycle of abuse right now. So it creates the system where you’re in these patterns where you have to stay for certain reasons, whether it be financial or otherwise.
01;02;53;24 – 01;03;18;12
Unknown
You choose to want to see the best in this pattern of behavior. And that is why people who are committers, people who have past trauma, find it so hard to leave these relationships because that trauma bond has been created, that essentially makes it almost feel impossible to cut that tie, because the minute you cut that tie, I’m assuming you’re going to go deeper.
01;03;18;15 – 01;03;40;26
Unknown
The minute I cut that tie, you’re going to be a different human being. And you essentially have to make terms, make make amends with the fact that I’ve taken you as far as I possibly can. And there’s more to be done. But I can’t be the one to do it in order for that to happen. And for someone who’s an HSP therapist empath, good luck convincing me that we’ve reached the end.
01;03;41;02 – 01;04;05;01
Unknown
You know, therein lies we call it a trauma cycle. You call it whatever cycle. My own personal cycle, which I really am assuming a lot of people on this session can relate to my own personal cycle of whatever you call that, it’s it’s trauma bonding. It’s whatever you call it. You sent me something a while ago from a, therapist who does.
01;04;05;01 – 01;04;23;22
Unknown
Instagram’s the man with the the hat. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So this morning. This is so funny. This morning, he said I was just with a client the other day, and her, her she was married for a long time, and, she was married for a whole year. And all of these things happened, and she’s been since separated for six years, but she still can’t let it go.
01;04;23;24 – 01;04;40;07
Unknown
And, she’s like, I’m just so confused. And the reason why they ended up breaking up was because she found out that he had a whole nother family, a whole nother like, it was like a double life situation. And he’s she’s kept saying to him, I’m so confused because he was so great and so nice. And so he said all these things to me, this, that and the other.
01;04;40;07 – 01;04;55;27
Unknown
And he goes, oh, sounds like you had a baloney whopper. Oh, what does she goes, what do you mean? And he goes, sounds like you had a baloney whopper. And she goes, what is that? He goes, you tell me, or it’s something like that. And she said, well, it would be baloney with lettuce, cheese, like all the things.
01;04;55;27 – 01;05;11;19
Unknown
Right? Yeah. And he’s like, yeah, yeah. Because you just told yourself it sounds like a bunch of baloney. and I just keep thinking of you because I’m like, you do? You’re calling it a whopper, right? But there’s. But it’s not at all. It’s bullshit. Right? And you’re like, wow, this is delicious. But it’s not a whopper baloney.
01;05;11;21 – 01;05;43;11
Unknown
And that, for me, sometimes feels like you. Me like to say all these things and give people the benefit of the doubt. And because you’re trained and because you are an empath and because you’re a highly sensitive person and because you have much more privy to other people’s lives, circumstances that that the other we on the outside watching in can hear you and can buy into it and be like, yeah, but we’re all sitting here going, okay, it’s a baloney whopper.
01;05;43;13 – 01;06;00;27
Unknown
She keeps telling herself this and it’s fine. And sometimes it pans out. Yeah, and other times it doesn’t. But we’re all here for the ride, right? It’s fine. Right? Yeah. But that’s really because you’re saying the ride for us. Yeah, well, our own baloney, right? We have our own baloney. Whoppers. Yeah. This is me. This is me clapping.
01;06;00;27 – 01;06;18;19
Unknown
Like doing the version of clapping. We’re at the coffee shop. Yes. I’m going to send you this. I’m here for every baloney whopper. Absolutely. And I’m here hoping that at the baloney Whopper, that when we really open it up, it was half baloney, half beef patty. Right? Right, right. Or whatever it is. Triple baloney. So it’s really thick, but it’s still baloney, right?
01;06;18;19 – 01;06;39;18
Unknown
So, yeah, I know, I know, the coolest part for me is that we’re taping this podcast at a time in my life where I’m going through it, I’m figuring it out, I’m experiencing it, I’m hating it, I’m enjoying it. I’m doing all of these things I can’t wait to see, wait to see in ten years. I’m listening back to Baloney Leopard, right?
01;06;39;18 – 01;07;01;28
Unknown
So we’re going to call this 100% company Whopper. to listen to the baloney whoppers to say, in ten years, do I still have baloney whoppers? Oh, yeah. How big are the baloney? Yes. Are they smaller, lighter or lighter? Yeah. You got a four pack, a sliders I got sliders. They’re a full on, full on baloney Whopper with fries and a Pepe.
01;07;02;00 – 01;07;26;19
Unknown
You said you got a little baloney Whopper, That’s not so. Yeah. That’s awesome. That’s a 100% the end of the five. I guess there’s not that else to say, guys. Slider. Baloney. Whoppers. Baloney. Whoppers. You ever hear like, tell us about your baloney whoppers for more love out I loved that. Me too. It isn’t empathy. Amazing.
01;07;26;19 – 01;07;55;18
Unknown
Well, we’re amazing. Oh, I don’t know about all this empathy stuff. That’s fine. I accept you wherever you are. Oh, God, I love you. I love you, too. And if you love us, please like and subscribe to More Love the Power of Empathy podcast wherever you get your podcasts. See you next time.